Hilarious funny jokes for kids that are clean and safe 03

1.



Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test.
He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
“Hey John, that tennis elbow is hurting?” Doctor asked.
“Oh, the receptionist told you about it”? Asked John.
The doctor says “No, no not at all. I bought a new urinalysis machine and it tells me everything.”
“That’s bullshit” says John.
The doctor assures him that it’s true and tells him to take some med and come back in two weeks with another urine sample.
The receptionist give John a specimen cup before he leaves.
Two weeks later John is getting ready to see the doctor but after telling his family about this bullshit machine they decide to play a joke with the old doctor.
John pisses in the cup and so does his wife and teen age daughter, then he jacks off into it.
As he is in the garage he puts a couple drops of oil from his dip stick into the cup and then shakes everything up.
He gets to the office and hands the specimen cup to the receptionist with a big smile on his face.
This time it takes 30 minutes for the doctor to call him and the doctor looks very upset when he calls him.
The second the get into the room the doctor says “Alright bastard, your daughters pregnant, your wife has VD, your cars about to throw a rod and if you don’t stop jacking off your tennis elbow is never going to heal.”
Two guys were working at a sawmill
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes

2.



A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team

3.



The male teacher in a girls school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.
Then replied, “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary’s reaction.
Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lilly put up her hand. “Yes, Lilly?” asked the teacher.
“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye.”
“Very good. Thanks, Lilly,” said the male teacher.
He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you:
First, you have NOT done your HOMEWORK.
Second, you have a DIRTY mind.
And thirdly, I fear, one day in future, you are going to be sadly disappointed!”
A frail old man is put in to a care home
A man walks into the front door

4.



Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.
The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion.
After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party.
Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door.
Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright green scales and a flowing emerald dress.
“Oh gosh, Hilda. You sure look good!” Says Sven. “What’s your costume supposed to be?”
Hilda gives her dress a twirl and declares, “Oh I am the emotion of envy!”
Before Sven can reply, Ole’s gal Lena rounds the corner in a long red dress, her hair dyed the color of flames.
Sven lets out a whistle and says, “Oh gosh, Lena! That’s quite da costume! What are you supposed to be?”
Lena curtsies with a giggle and says, “Why, I am the flame of burning love.”
Before either of them can compliment her, Ole rounds the corner, stark n*ked except for an old rubber tire held around his middle.
“Good lord!” Sven says, “Ole! What on earth are you supposed to be?”
Ole grins back at him and says, “Oh, me?” He says, “I am de spare!”
Four freshman partied too hard
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson

5.



A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.
He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.
Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
“Oh, Sherry by all means. To me, it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world. Port, on the other hand, makes me fart.”
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks
A drunk comes stumbling into a bar

6.



A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar

7.



A man, reading a book by candle-light, came across a sentence which stated that men with long beards were fools.
This distressed the man because he had a long beard himself.
He had always thought the beard made him look scholarly and dignified, but now he began to wonder if perhaps he had not been laboring under a delusion.
He decided to do away with the beard there and then and gathering it up in his hands, held the tip to the candle flame.
It caught fire and burnt faster than he had expected
In a moment the beard was all gone.
Then a spark leapt up into the hair on his head and before he knew what was happening, the hair on his head was reduced to ash
His cry of alarm brought his neighbors running.
They were shocked to see his scorched face and the smoke curling up from his head.
“What happened?” they asked, dowsing him with water.
“Whatever was to have happened, has happened,” said the man, sadly.
“I read that men with long beards were fools and I behaved like one.”
Fox & Rooster
The big hunter walked in the bar

8.



A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party.
Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer,
“What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked, but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills.
When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
Three doctors are discussing
The Human Resources Officer asks a engineer

9.



A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you

10.



My general was making so damn angry by giving me extra work.
So i started thinking of a way to get back at him. So i went around to all the people thank were a higher rank than me and asked them to follow me and if they would sign my release papers.
They all said hell no because i was only in the army for a year.
And so i went up to the general and asked him to follow me. He did and i led him around all of the officers.
They all glared at him, and were writing things down.
And thats how i got a different general, but not out of the army.
An Irishman is out of work and decides to go
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls

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11.



Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them kept complaining of family problems.
Finally, the other man said: “You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation: A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter.
We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter.
Later, my father married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter, my step-mother. And my father became my stepson.
Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Much later, the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son.
This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son.
But he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grandson.
That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.
Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother.
This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I am my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!”
A lady rubbed a bottle
A old couple were walking on beach

12.



A man asks a farmer near a field,
As He is in hurry,
“Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”
The farmer says,
“Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 4:11 one.”
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing
A man well into his seventies asks his wife

13.



A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.
After some thought, he made a sign that read, “WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!”
He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.
A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, “NOW THERE ARE TWO!”
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three men pass away on Christmas Day

14.



Joan invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, “Would you like to say the blessing?”
“I wouldn’t know what to say,” the girl replied.
“Just say what you hear Mommy say,” Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, “Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?”
The teacher of the earth science class
John and Tony were in the bar

15.



A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house

16.



A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies

17.



A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.
After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.
As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,
“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”
His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,
“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”
The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,
“What, so short?”
A student came up to a pretty girl
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob

18.



A kid walks into a class with a shirt, pants, underwear, and socks the teacher asks, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then another boy walks in with no shirt and no socks and the teacher says, “Where have you been?”
The boy says, “On top of blueberry hill.”
Then a girl walks in and the teacher asks, “Where have you been?
Oh, let me guess on top of blueberry hill.”
And the girl says, “No, I am blueberry hill.”
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A man and a woman meet

19.



A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street

20.



Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.
“Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother.
The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully.
That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.”
“Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked.
Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an in make love!”
A woman is standing looking in mirror
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21.



A man and his wife are driving down the road when they hit a baby skunk.
“It’s still alive!” The wife exclaimed, looking back at the poor skunk.
“Alright, I’ll just go back and hit it again, put it out of its misery,” the husband replied.
“No don’t, it’s just a baby! We have to call the vet!”
The husband waits patiently while the wife gets out to talk to the vet.
“Is it bleeding?” The vet asked.
“No, but it’s shaking a lot.”
“That means it’s going into shock,” the vet concluded,
“Cover him up and bring him in as soon as you can.”
“But sir it’s 80 degrees out I don’t have a jacket or anything to cover him with,” the wife explained.
“Ok, just put him between your legs to keep him stable for the ride over.”
The vet replied calmly, “What about the smell?” The wife asked.
“The smell? Just cover his nose!”
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
A blonde is terribly overweight

22.



A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner

23.



A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women

24.



A couple of years ago, one night, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face.
Totally ruined the mood.
Now, I didn’t know Joseph THAT well, don’t even remember where he was from, but let’ just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye.
He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months.
Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend .
Apparently they’d bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note.
I tried to track them down, but never could.
In conclusion, if it hadn’t been for cotton eye Joe, I’d have been married a long time ago.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
A group of kindergartners were trying
There was this boy called James

25.



A tourist is picked up by a cab in New York on a dark night.
The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk and stops inches from a shop window.
The driver said, “Look friend, don’t ever do that again you scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and says he didn’t realize that a “little tap” could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault today is my first day as a cab driver; I’ve been driving hearses for the last 25 years.”
A city park stood two statues
The king of a small African nation

26.



The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a pure and I don’t know anything about lovemaking. Can you explain it to me first?”
“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.”
Turning on his side, he smiles.
“Then we will have to re-imprison him.”
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of lovemaking, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!”
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.”
Limply turning his head, He yells at her, “Hey, its not a life sentence, OK!”
A husband and wife decided
A young couple decided to wed

27.



An 80-year-old woman walks into a tattoo shop, looks directly at the artist and says, “I want to get a tattoo”.
The artist hesitantly replies “Well, ok where would you like this tattoo?”
Old lady: “actually I want two, one on the inside of my left thigh and one and the inside of my right thigh.”
Artist: “you know how much this will hurt? Are you really sure you want them there?”
Old lady barks at him: “of course I know that’s where I want them! I don’t care how much it will hurt!”
Artist: “okay, whatever you want then. Let’s take a look at art the art book to see if there is something you want.”
Old lady: “I already know what I want. I want a Christmas tree on my left thigh, and a turkey on my right thigh”
Artist: “uhhhh ok, I will do that, but could you answer me as to why you would want such a thing?”
Old lady: “because in sick of my husband complaining there is nothing to eat between Christmas and Thanksgiving!
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday
A man was in hurry to catch a train

28.



As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist

29.



Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender

30.



A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home