1.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.
“Don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
A Nazi walks into a bar
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.
“Don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
A Nazi walks into a bar
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
2.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
3.
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets we don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.
“I’ve never wanted a divorce my husband does, he said he can’t communicate with me!”
Who Want To Go To Hell
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets we don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied.
“I’ve never wanted a divorce my husband does, he said he can’t communicate with me!”
Who Want To Go To Hell
She finally wakes up and asks the doctor
4.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,
“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
Two men were working at the sawmill
Three men are traveling on a ship
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,
“This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards.
What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said, “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for, Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
Two men were working at the sawmill
Three men are traveling on a ship
5.
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred.
The doctor asked the man,
“Do you smoke or drink?”
“No,” he replied.
“I’ve never done either.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women? ” inquired the doctor.
“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”
“Well then,” said the doctor,
“what do you want to live to be a hundred for?
A pastor
The expensive printer photocopier
6.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
7.
Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
They approach the clerk
A man went to his dentist
Jazzmin O’Shea, a blonde accountant calls her boyfriend and says, Please come over here and help me I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She Lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Second, I’d advise you to relax. Let’s have a cup of coffee, then lets put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.
They approach the clerk
A man went to his dentist
8.
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
9.
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate.
His orders were clear no car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, “Halt, who goes there?”
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, “General Wheeler.”
“I’m sorry, I can’t let you through. You’ve got to have a sticker on the windshield.”
The general said, “Drive on!”
The sentry said, “Hold it! You really can’t come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker.”
The general repeated, “I’m telling you, son, drive on!”
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, “General, I’m new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?”
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A woman announces to her friend
10.
A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.
He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,
“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”
Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”
“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,” he replied.
“That would be great!”
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple is dressed and ready
A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.
He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,
“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”
Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”
“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,” he replied.
“That would be great!”
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple is dressed and ready
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11.
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
12.
A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.
The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.
When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.
He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night.
He goes to the limousine center, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.
The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers.
When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets.
He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.
During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time.
His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A old lady was walking her dog
A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom.
The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon. Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.
When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.
He wants himself and his date to arrive in style, so he looks to rent a limousine for the night.
He goes to the limousine center, and finds a line of people waiting to rent out a limo, but he patiently waits in line, and manages to hire a limo for prom night.
The morning of the prom he decides to buy his date a bunch of flowers.
When he arrives at the florist, he sees a long line of people waiting for their bouquets.
He’s annoyed, but he waits patiently, and manages to buy a big bouquet.
During the prom, everything is going well, the boy is dancing with his date, and having a good time.
His date whispers into his ear to ask if he can get her some fruit punch.
The boy looks over at the table and there was no punchline.
A blonde car gets a flat Tyre
A old lady was walking her dog
13.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
14.
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The strong young man
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic
This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns.
He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.
An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”.
The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.
“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.
The strong young man
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic
15.
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
16.
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
17.
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, “Take another drink”!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store
A blonde walks into the police department
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, “Take another drink”!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store
A blonde walks into the police department
18.
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
A blond man entered the emergency room with his two ears burned.
“What happened?” asked the doctor.
“Well”, the man explained, “my wife was press clothing, behind my chair while I was watching TV.
She put down the iron next to the phone and when the phone rang I answered the iron.”
“Wow that is terrible” responded the doctor, and what happened to your other ear?”
“Well” the blond guy responded “Right afterwards, the phone rang again!”
Mark was passing by the bar
A lady came in for a routine physical
19.
Grandchildren asked their grandfather:
Grandpa, did you have any childhood dreams? And have they come true?
Yes, I had two childhood dreams but only one came true.
My first dream was to become an astronaut which I have not become. When my mother was brushing my hair I was also dreaming not to have any hair at all.
This dream came true, as you can see!
A man joins the navy
The little girl is asking her mother
Grandchildren asked their grandfather:
Grandpa, did you have any childhood dreams? And have they come true?
Yes, I had two childhood dreams but only one came true.
My first dream was to become an astronaut which I have not become. When my mother was brushing my hair I was also dreaming not to have any hair at all.
This dream came true, as you can see!
A man joins the navy
The little girl is asking her mother
20.
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: “hi you’re the first people today with their seatbelts on,
so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar.”
The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks “what are you going to do with the money?”
The man answers: “I’m going to take lessons for my driver’s license”
The woman: ” don’t listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!”
The man on the backseat: “I told you not to ride in a stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk: “did we cross the border?”
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
It was the end of the school day
The police stops a man and woman who have their seatbelts on.
Police: “hi you’re the first people today with their seatbelts on,
so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar.”
The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks “what are you going to do with the money?”
The man answers: “I’m going to take lessons for my driver’s license”
The woman: ” don’t listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!”
The man on the backseat: “I told you not to ride in a stolen car!”
A voice from the trunk: “did we cross the border?”
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors
It was the end of the school day
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21.
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, the poor fellow said,
“Sir, you are too kind, Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand.
The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
It is with great regret and sorrow
A husband and wife have four sons
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside.
He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
“Why are you eating grass?” he asked the man.
“I don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.
“Oh, please come to my house!”
“But sir, I have a wife and four children…”
“Bring them along!” the rich man said.
They all climbed into the limo.
Once underway, the poor fellow said,
“Sir, you are too kind, Thank you for taking all of us in.”
The rich man replied, “No, you don’t understand.
The grass at my house is over three feet tall!”
It is with great regret and sorrow
A husband and wife have four sons
22.
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.
She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, “Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said the teacher.
“It’s something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time.”
Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his onto the floor and shouted, “Quick! Spit’em out!
They’re bastard!”
A guy asked a girl in a university library
A blonde walks into an empty bar
23.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
24.
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A hungry guy really fancies a bowl of hot chili.
He sees a diner just up the street, so he decides to head there.
A pretty waitress shows him to his seat, and he promptly places his order.
The waitress says, “Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl”.
He looks over and sees that the guy’s finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full.
He asks, “Are you going to eat that chili?”
The other guy says, “No. Help yourself”.
He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat.
When he gets about halfway down, his spoon hits something.
He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl.
The other guy says, “Yeah, that’s about as far as I got, too.”
A old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
25.
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.”
Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a good job.”
A kid walks into a class
A man strolls into a pharmacy
Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.”
Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a good job.”
A kid walks into a class
A man strolls into a pharmacy
26.
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
“I finally discovered why I’ve been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I’ve been sitting in the wastebasket.”
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
27.
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent….
“Bless me Father for I have sinned.
It has been 3 months since my last confession.
In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl’s private parts.”
“Played with a girl’s private parts!” exclaimed the priest.
“Whoa, that’s pretty serious.
For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water.”
So Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries.
Then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers.
When the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, “Move over, pal. I gotta gargle….”
A man is talking to his best friend
I smelled something funny
28.
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
29.
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
30.
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
A minister gave a talk to the community center on mating.
When he got home, he couldn’t tell his wife that he had spoken on mating,
So he said he had discussed “Horseback Riding” with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center,…
and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:,
“Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter,… as he’s only tried it twice.
The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.”
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
George was planning on going out
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