1.
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.”
Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
“Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
“But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says,
“Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle.”
Two guys walking through the woods
A farmer has three daughters
A Mexican is strolling down the street in Mexico City and kicks a bottle lying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie.
The Mexican is stunned and the Genie says, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish; anything you want.”
The Mexican begins thinking, “Well, I really like drinking tequila.”
Finally the Mexican says, “I wish to drink tequila whenever I want, so make me pee tequila.”
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Mexican gets home, he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pees in it. He looks at the glass and it’s clear.
Looks like tequila.
Then he smells the liquid.
Smells like tequila.
So he takes a taste and it is the best tequila he has ever tasted.
The Mexican yells to his wife, “Consuelo, Consuelo, come quickly.”
She comes running down the hall and the Mexican takes another glass out of the cupboard and fills it.
He tells her to drink it.
It is tequila.
Consuelo is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip.
It is the best tequila she has ever tasted.
The two drank and partied all night.
The next night the Mexican comes home from work and tells his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard.
He proceeds to fill the two glasses.
The result is the same.
The tequila is excellent and the couple drinks until the sun comes up.
Finally Friday night comes and the Mexican comes home and tells his wife,
“Consuelo, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink Tequila.”
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table.
The Mexican begins to fill the glass; and when he fills it, his wife asks him,
“But Pancho, why do we need only one glass?”
Pancho raises the glass and says,
“Because tonight, Mi Amor, you drink from the bottle.”
Two guys walking through the woods
A farmer has three daughters
2.
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
Mark was passing by the bar on the way home from work when he sees his good friend Tom gulping down one shot after another.
Fearing the worst, Mark charged into the bar and confronted Tom.
“Tom what’s going on?” Mark asked.
“It’s my wife,” Tom replied.
“She ran off with my best friend!”
“Hey wait a second! Said Mark “Aren’t I your best friend?”
“Not any more,” Tom said with a happy smile. “He is!”
A cop pulled over a car
A blond man entered the emergency
3.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the n*de?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.
“It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
In a school science class four worms
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window, It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” she replied.
“He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being n*ked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
“Do you always run in the n*de?” one asked.
“Oh yes!” he replied, gasping for air.
“It feels so wonderfully free!”
Another runner moved alongside him.
“Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” our friend answered breathlessly.
“That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
In a school science class four worms
4.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
5.
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
Two blonde girls walk into a department store.
They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
“That’s quite nice, don’t you think, Tracy”
“Yeah. What’s it called Sharon?”
“Viens a moi.”
“Viens a moi? What the does that mean?”
At this stage the store clerk offers some help.
“Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me.’”
Sharon takes anther sniff and offers her arm to Tracy again saying, “That doesn’t smell like come to me.
Does that smell like come to you?”
Two friends went to interview
A nun was walking in the convent
6.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
7.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
8.
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
9.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend Stacy, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and punk clothes.
Also, she is so much older than me.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad.
She’s pregnant Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter we share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry, Dad.
I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Joshua P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it’s safe for me to come home!
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
A man eating grass by the roadside
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend Stacy, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I’ve been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice.
However, I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, and punk clothes.
Also, she is so much older than me.
But it’s not only the passion, Dad.
She’s pregnant Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter we share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone.
We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don’t worry, Dad.
I’m 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, Joshua P.S.
Dad, none of the above is true.
I’m over at Jason’s house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that’s on the kitchen table.
Call when it’s safe for me to come home!
A Englishman, Irishman, Welshman
A man eating grass by the roadside
10.
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
📚 Recommended Posts
Six Engineers And Six MathematiciansFriendship Quotes That Speak From Heart
Giggle Zone Jokes That Hit Sweet Spot
Grin And Giggle Hilarious Jokes For
Laughter Unplugged Pure Fun In Every
11.
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
“Now don’t get mad at me….I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
The owner of a golf course was confused
A old lady goes to her bank
12.
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
An American girl was visiting England and was invited to a party.
While dancing with a stuffy monocled Englishman, her necklace became unfastened and slipped down the back of her dress.
She asked the Englishman to retrieve the jewelry piece for her.
He was very embarrassed but wishing to comply with her request he reached cautiously down the back of her gown.
“I’m terribly sorry,” he said, “but I can’t seem to reach it.”
“Try further down,” she said.
At this point he noticed that he was being watched by everyone in the room which made him feel most uncomfortable and he whispered to the girl, “I feel such a perfect ass.”
“Never mind that!” she cried. “Just get the necklace.”
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman
13.
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
A man and his son were once going with their donkey to market.
As they were walking along by his side a countryman passed them and said,
“You fools, what is a donkey for but to ride upon?”
So the man put the boy on the donkey, and they went on their way.
But soon they passed a group of men, one of whom said, “See that lazy youngster, he lets his father walk while he rides.”
So the man ordered his boy to get off, and got on himself.
But they hadn’t gone far when they passed two women, one of whom said to the other, shame on that lazy lout to let his poor little son trudge along.
Well, the man didn’t know what to do, but at last he took his boy up before him on the donkey.
By this time they had come to the town, and the passersby began to jeer and point at them.
The man stopped and asked what they were scoffing at.
The men said, “Aren’t you ashamed of yourself for overloading that poor donkey of yours, you and your hulking son?”
The man and boy got off and tried to think what to do.
They thought and they thought, until at last they cut down a pole, tied the donkey’s feet to it, and raised the pole and the donkey to their shoulders.
They went along amid the laughter of all who met them until they came to a bridge, when the donkey, getting one of his feet loose, kicked out and caused the boy to drop his end of the pole.
In the struggle the donkey fell over the bridge, and his forefeet being tied together, he was drowned.
Try to please everyone, and you will please no one.
Three Kids Are Arguing About
A photographer from a well known
14.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“So what do you do?” the bartender chats him up.
“Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT,” the guy says.
“How was it changing careers?” the bartender asks.
“Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase ‘My server went down on me,’ is no longer a good thing,” the guy replies.
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A married couple is sleeping
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“So what do you do?” the bartender chats him up.
“Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT,” the guy says.
“How was it changing careers?” the bartender asks.
“Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that the phase ‘My server went down on me,’ is no longer a good thing,” the guy replies.
A 45 year old woman arrives home
A married couple is sleeping
15.
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it,
Susan was asked to give her friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
“Tell us Susan, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your husband?”
Susan responds,
“Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”
Two turtles walk into a bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
16.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
17.
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
18.
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs on it.
He hit a stone and fell down along with the cycle.
The eggs also fell down and broke.
A crowd gathered around the boy.
As usual, free advice started flowing from the onlookers.
“Couldn’t you be more careful?”
“What is this, you are cycling, casually without attention?”
An old man approached the crowd saw what had happened and said “Poor fellow this boy has to answer the Owner of the shop. Ok I will help him, as much as I can” saying this handed over Rs500/- to the boy.
And also said, “These onlookers are good people, they will not only give advice, but they will help you by giving money also, accept their help”.
The onlookers observing the sayings of the old man and his actions gave money to the boy.
The boy was very happy since the money collected was much more than the value of the eggs broken.
One of the onlookers asked the boy.
“Young man if that old man was not around, I do not know what difficulties you would have faced with your owner.”
The boy smiled and replied “Sir, that old man is the owner of the shop, where I work.”
A boy decides to learn the language of all animals
A farmer decides to tell his son
19.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim undressed or make you get out of the pond undressed.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’
An all the girls ran out of the water undressed and the old man just watched.
Some old men can still think fast.
The story goes that some time ago
Once upon a time an old man
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, ‘we’re not coming out until you leave!’
The old man frowned, ‘I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim undressed or make you get out of the pond undressed.’
Holding the bucket up he said, ‘I’m here to feed the alligator…’
An all the girls ran out of the water undressed and the old man just watched.
Some old men can still think fast.
The story goes that some time ago
Once upon a time an old man
20.
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said:
“I’m so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.”
The grandmother was curious.
“What trick is that my dear?” she asked.
The little boy replied:
“I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again.”
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar
A man walked into the bar
📚 Recommended Posts
Six Engineers And Six MathematiciansFriendship Quotes That Speak From Heart
Giggle Zone Jokes That Hit Sweet Spot
Grin And Giggle Hilarious Jokes For
Laughter Unplugged Pure Fun In Every
21.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
22.
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home.
The teacher told the kids,
“As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave.
O.K,… Who said four score and seven years ago?”
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
“Yes, Johnny?”
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
“Very good, Lucy, you may go home now.”
Johnny was red in the face with anger.
The teacher then gave the next quote,
“Who said I have a dream..”
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again.
But this time Mary interjected and said “Martin Luther King.”
“Very good, Mary, you may go home now.”
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off.
But the teacher asked again,
“Who said ask not what your country can do for you?”
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly.
This time Rebecca chimed in and said, “JFK”
“Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now.”
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD!
He turns to the kid next to him and says,
“I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
“Who said that?” asked the teacher angrily.
“Bill Clinton,” said Johnny, “Can I go home now?”
The police stops a man and woman
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home.
The teacher told the kids,
“As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave.
O.K,… Who said four score and seven years ago?”
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
“Yes, Johnny?”
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
“Very good, Lucy, you may go home now.”
Johnny was red in the face with anger.
The teacher then gave the next quote,
“Who said I have a dream..”
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again.
But this time Mary interjected and said “Martin Luther King.”
“Very good, Mary, you may go home now.”
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off.
But the teacher asked again,
“Who said ask not what your country can do for you?”
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly.
This time Rebecca chimed in and said, “JFK”
“Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now.”
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD!
He turns to the kid next to him and says,
“I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
“Who said that?” asked the teacher angrily.
“Bill Clinton,” said Johnny, “Can I go home now?”
The police stops a man and woman
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
23.
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
24.
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having make love to escape the attention of their son.
According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist.
However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other.
One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer.
So he sends a word to his wife through the son.
The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.”
The wife was having her monthlies at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said.
However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part.
Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.”
The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I’ve already written with my hand!”
The husband finds a box
The husband picked up the phone
A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having make love to escape the attention of their son.
According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist.
However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other.
One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer.
So he sends a word to his wife through the son.
The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.”
The wife was having her monthlies at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said.
However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part.
Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.”
The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I’ve already written with my hand!”
The husband finds a box
The husband picked up the phone
25.
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
26.
There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing.
They were called to apper in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight the duck said “blowing bubbles”.
So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said “blowing bubbles”.
Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said “No I am BUBBLES“
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
There were three ducks swiming in a pond one night after midnight and got arrested for trespassing.
They were called to apper in court the next day so the judge called up duck #1 and asked what were you doing in a pond swiming after midnight the duck said “blowing bubbles”.
So then the judge called up duck #2 and asked the same question and the duck said “blowing bubbles”.
Then the judge called up duck #3 and said let me guess you were blowing bubbles to and the duck said “No I am BUBBLES“
Young woman ran up to me at the cemetery
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
27.
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight
28.
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
A cab driver picked up a nun.
She got into the cab, and noticed that the VERY handsome cab driver wouldn’t stop staring at her.
She asked him why he was staring.
He replied: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answered, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
“Well, let’s see what we can do about that: No. 1, you have to be single, and No. 2, you must be Catholic,” she responded.
The cab driver, very excited, said, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun said. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfilled his fantasy with a kiss that would make a call girl blush.
But when they got back on the road, the cab driver started crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “Why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun said, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a costume party.”
A young blonde with a coach ticket
A male patient was lying in bed
29.
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
A sailor drops anchor in a port and heads into the nearest pub.
Everyone in the pub is whispering and pointing at him because of his odd shaped body; he has a very muscular body, but a very tiny head on his shoulders.
As he orders his drink, he tells the bartender, “I’ll explain. I get this in every port and town I visit. I caught a mermaid and she granted me three wishes if I would release her back into the sea. So I told her I wanted a yacht and, sure enough, she came through for me. Next, I asked for a million bucks and now I am set for life. Last of all, I asked her if I could have make love with her and her response was, ‘I don’t know how you can make love to me with your type of body.’ So I asked her, ‘How about a little head?’”
She is going to paint a couple of rooms
A explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb
30.
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
Two turtles walk into a bar.
As soon as they enter inside, it starts to rain.
The big turtle turns to the smaller one and says Go home and get the umbrella.
Small Turtle I will, if you promise not to touch my soda.
Two hours pass…….
Big Turtle Well. I guess he’s not coming back. May as well drink his soda.
As he’s about to reach for it, a voice from outside the bar says
If you touch the soda, I won’t go home and get the umbrella.
Three babies are in their mother
On their 50th wedding anniversary
Tags:
eng jokes