1.
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant.
They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half.
He places one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife.
He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them.
As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering.
“That poor old couple all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.”
As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table.
He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man replies that they’re just fine they’re just used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite.
She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman says “No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.”
As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks, “May I ask what is it you are waiting for?”
The old woman answers “The teeth.”
A couple moves into a new neighborhood
A boy was walking down the street
2.
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on.
One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady.
He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.”
But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.
At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.
Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?”
And the lady said, “Pardon?”
A Vicar goes to the dentist
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
3.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
4.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
5.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner.
“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
The painter Henri Matisse
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed.
He was driving his partner nuts finally his exasperated partner said: “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answered: “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man,” said his partner.
“You don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
The painter Henri Matisse
A Drunk Man Was Sitting By A Pond
6.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
7.
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, “May I help you sir?
The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”
The desk clerk says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”
The man replies, “Listen, you idiot.
The window won’t open and that’s clearly a maintenance issue.
Frank was excited about his new rifle
The madam opened the brothel door
8.
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
“I’ll bet you $10 he’ll jump,” said the first guy.
“Bet you $10 he won’t,” said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge.
The second guy hands the first guy the money.
“I can’t take your money,” said the first guy.
“I cheated you. The same story was on the five o’clock news.”
“No, no. Take it,” said the second guy.
“I saw the five o’clock news too. I just didn’t think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!”
A elderly couple were on a cruise
He walked into the kitchen
9.
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
A blonde walks into an empty bar on New Year’s Eve and asks the bartender if she can use his phone to wish her family back in St. Louis a happy new year.
“Well,” starts the bartender, “the rates are pretty high on New Year’s. You’ll have to leave me a couple of bucks.”
“Oh, darn!” she replies, “I don’t have a dime! What am I gonna do? This is my first holiday without my family.”
The bartender gives it about 2 seconds thought and comes back with a proposal.
“Why don’t you just come back here behind the bar… I’m sure we can work out a way for you to speak with them.”
Eagerly, the blonde runs behind the bar just as the bartender starts to unzip his fly and pull out his mickey.
“Okay, honey,” he says as he gestures towards his, “just put your mouth up to this!”
Desperately wanting to do as he says, the girl kneels down and does what she’s told.
She brings her mouth up to his and quizzically goes “Hello, Mom?”
A teacher was working with a group of children
A business man got on an elevator
10.
A boss said to his secretary
I want to have make love with you
I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still bang.
A little boy walks in on his parents
The son asks the father
A boss said to his secretary
I want to have make love with you
I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it I’ll be done.
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but “Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn’t even have enough time to undressed himself.”
So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened?
She responds, “The Bastard used coins I’m still picking and he is still bang.
A little boy walks in on his parents
The son asks the father
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11.
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
12.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room.
She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantle.
He picks it up, and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beet red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh . . . I . . .”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
A old billionaire marries a young girl
A little girl was in church with her mother
13.
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
A drunk phoned the local police department to report that thieves had been in his car.
“They have stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator,” he cried out.
However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time, and the same voice came over the line.
“Never mind,” the drunk said with a hiccup.
“I got in the back seat by mistake.”
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Jeff was fast asleep in his at bed
14.
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.
The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life.
“See this big ol’ ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “See that big ol’ nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house.
“See this big ol’ house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”
Second lady, “My husband sent me to finishing school.”
First lady, with an incredulous tone, “Now why would he do something like that?!”
Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like, ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of, ‘What the f— ever’”.
The Sleepy Teacher
The doctor tells him
They decide to meet for tea and discuss their lives.
The first older lady starts telling the second about all the wonderful things her husband has done for her over her life.
“See this big ol’ ring right here on my finger? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “See that big ol’ nice car out there? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady pulls out her phone and starts showing the other pictures of her house.
“See this big ol’ house right here? My husband bought me that, because he loves me.”
Second lady, “Well, isn’t that nice.”
First lady, “Well now, I’ve been going on and on about my husband, what has yours done for you?”
Second lady, “My husband sent me to finishing school.”
First lady, with an incredulous tone, “Now why would he do something like that?!”
Second lady, “So I’d learn to say things like, ‘Well, isn’t that nice’, instead of, ‘What the f— ever’”.
The Sleepy Teacher
The doctor tells him
15.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The boss calls his secretary
The barber cut his hair the priest
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The boss calls his secretary
The barber cut his hair the priest
16.
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries.
Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
A man died and went up to heaven
Harry had been feeling sick lately
The CEO of a large company was walking to the cafeteria along with two of his secretaries.
Upon tripping on a bottle, a genie appeared and asked the threesome if they would like to each make a wish.
The first secretary excitedly exclaimed, “I wish I was on a beach in a tropical island!” Immediately her wish was granted.
The next secretary proclaimed, “I wish I was on a tour of France!” Immediately her wish too, was granted.
Being that it was now his turn to make a wish the CEO exclaimed “I want the two of them back in their offices right after lunch!”
A man died and went up to heaven
Harry had been feeling sick lately
17.
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
The man checked his speed and saw he was going 30mph.
He thought, “Am I crazy, or is this chicken keeping pace with me at 30mph?”
So he sped up 40mph, and to his surprise, the chicken kept running right next to his car.
“This can’t be right.”, the man thought.
“No chicken can run this fast.”
So he sped up to 50mph.
The chicken, amazingly, kept pace with his car the man looked closely at the chicken, and he saw it also had 3 legs.
“A 3 legged chicken, running 50 miles per hour? Am I dreaming? How can this be real?”
So the man sped up to 60mph.
The chicken also sped up and kept pace with his car then, to the man’s astonishment, passed his car and ran a few yards ahead, then suddenly turned hard left down another road without slowing down.
The man hit the brakes, and turned down the road to follow the chicken, but the chicken was out of sight but a little ways down the road, the man saw a farmer out to get his mail.
The man stopped next to the farmer and said, “Hey! Did you just see a 3-legged chicken come tearing down this road at 60 miles per hour?”
The farmer looked at the man and said, “Yup, I saw him he was one of mine.”
“One of yours??”, said the man, incredulous.
“Yup”, said the farmer.
“You see, I raise 3 legged chickens.
I like to eat the drumstick, my wife likes to eat the drumstick, and now our little boy likes to eat the drumstick, so I got tired of us fighting over them and decided to use some selective breeding until I got 3 legged chickens.”
“That’s amazing!”, said the man.
“Well, congratulations on your successful breeding program and how do they taste?”
“Well”, said the farmer.
“I don’t know I’ve never been able to catch one.”
A important race on a new horse
Two nuns were shopping
18.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
19.
Once a doctor asked a old man and his old wife for their health secrets.
The old man said,
“I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again,
“But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”
The old man answered,
“That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometers!”
Johnny was told by his friends
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Once a doctor asked a old man and his old wife for their health secrets.
The old man said,
“I’ll tell you my secret. I’ve been married for 75 years. I promised my wife when we got married that when we quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. So I’ve been walking 5 kilometers every day for past 75 years!
The doctor was amazed and applauded and asked again,
“But how come your wife is very healthy as well?”
The old man answered,
“That is another secret. For 75 years every single day she has been following me to make sure I really walk the full 5 kilometers!”
Johnny was told by his friends
A elderly couple visits a doctor
20.
Frank came into work late one day and his boss was noticeably upset:
“You’ve been late almost every day this month! You’re fired unless you give me a good reason why!”
Frank thought for a moment then began to speak, “Sorry, boss. I always have late night plans. I know everyone worth knowing and it keeps me busy.”
The boss, not amused by Frank’s obvious lie, sighs and continues, “Okay, Frank. Tell you what, you convince me that you know everyone worth knowing, and I’ll give you one more chance.”
So, that day, during lunch, Frank and his boss drive to a large manor on the edge of town.
Frank knocks on the door and Kim opens it.
She hugs Frank and invites him and his boss in for a bite to eat.
Impressed, but still not convinced, Frank’s boss says, “That was definitely worth knowing, but it doesn’t prove you know EVERYONE worth knowing.”
Frank thinks for a moment again and starts driving north of town.
After a while, Frank and his boss arrive at another, much larger manor and he knocks on the door.
After a second, the door swings open and Samuel L. Jackson smiles at Frank and invites him in for a bite to eat.
After their second meal, Frank’s boss is more impressed but not entirely convinced.
Frank thinks and begins driving toward the airport.
Several hours later, Frank and his boss pull up to the Vatican in a cab and walk in.
Frank tells his boss that only a select few can go past a certain point so he’ll have to wait outside.
Time passes and Frank’s boss notices a crowd gathering in the plaza of the Vatican.
Once the crowd is large, Frank and the Pope walk out onto a raised platform.
From the platform, Frank can see a commotion forming around where he left his boss and rushes over.
Frank’s boss lies on the ground clutching his heart, and Frank asks, “What happened?”
The boss replies, “When you and the Pope walked out, the guy next to me asked ‘who’s that standing next to Frank?’”
A young pot head starts to smoke
Mrs. Smith asked her students
Frank came into work late one day and his boss was noticeably upset:
“You’ve been late almost every day this month! You’re fired unless you give me a good reason why!”
Frank thought for a moment then began to speak, “Sorry, boss. I always have late night plans. I know everyone worth knowing and it keeps me busy.”
The boss, not amused by Frank’s obvious lie, sighs and continues, “Okay, Frank. Tell you what, you convince me that you know everyone worth knowing, and I’ll give you one more chance.”
So, that day, during lunch, Frank and his boss drive to a large manor on the edge of town.
Frank knocks on the door and Kim opens it.
She hugs Frank and invites him and his boss in for a bite to eat.
Impressed, but still not convinced, Frank’s boss says, “That was definitely worth knowing, but it doesn’t prove you know EVERYONE worth knowing.”
Frank thinks for a moment again and starts driving north of town.
After a while, Frank and his boss arrive at another, much larger manor and he knocks on the door.
After a second, the door swings open and Samuel L. Jackson smiles at Frank and invites him in for a bite to eat.
After their second meal, Frank’s boss is more impressed but not entirely convinced.
Frank thinks and begins driving toward the airport.
Several hours later, Frank and his boss pull up to the Vatican in a cab and walk in.
Frank tells his boss that only a select few can go past a certain point so he’ll have to wait outside.
Time passes and Frank’s boss notices a crowd gathering in the plaza of the Vatican.
Once the crowd is large, Frank and the Pope walk out onto a raised platform.
From the platform, Frank can see a commotion forming around where he left his boss and rushes over.
Frank’s boss lies on the ground clutching his heart, and Frank asks, “What happened?”
The boss replies, “When you and the Pope walked out, the guy next to me asked ‘who’s that standing next to Frank?’”
A young pot head starts to smoke
Mrs. Smith asked her students
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21.
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.
Then he spoke: “Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.”
“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.”
“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.”
“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed.
She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
And the wife responded, “What property? the schmuck had a paper route!!”
A boy comes back from school
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by.
Then he spoke: “Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.”
“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.”
“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.”
“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed.
She said, “Your husband must have been quite a man, amassing so much property to leave to all of you.”
And the wife responded, “What property? the schmuck had a paper route!!”
A boy comes back from school
Johnny had to take care of his baby sister
22.
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
A old man lived in the village
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.
As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teen aged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing.
The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down.
The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.
Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure.
He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn’t the same elephant.
A old man lived in the village
A shepherd and a huge flock of sheep
23.
A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped
He yelled “G**damn it” and the preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.'”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again.
The preacher again told him, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.”
The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising.
The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
A man is in court for murder
The trooper asked the driver
A man was working on a preacher’s car in a garage and he was pushing hard on a wrench to loosen a nut and his hand slipped
He yelled “G**damn it” and the preacher said, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord, help me, Lord help me.'”
The man went back to work and, a little while after, his hand slipped again and he said “Goddamn it” again.
The preacher again told him, “Don’t take the Lord’s name in vain, say ‘Lord help me, Lord help me.”
The man put the car up on the jacks and got under it and, all of a sudden, the car starting coming down and he said, “Lord, help me, Lord help me!” And the car started rising.
The preacher said all of a sudden, “Well, Goddamn.”
A man is in court for murder
The trooper asked the driver
24.
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered.
“You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”
“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”
A young man and a young woman
The doctor asked the patient
An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered.
“You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”
“A rose?” asked the neighbor.
“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man.
He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”
A young man and a young woman
The doctor asked the patient
25.
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car.”
The second says, “That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”
The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a lesbian escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting
The visiting church school supervisor asks
Four guys are playing golf together and talking about how successful their sons are.
The first says, “My son is so successful, he’s VP of his company and just gave his best friend a car.”
The second says, “That’s nothing, my son is CEO of his company and just gave his best friend a house.”
The third says, “Well, my son owns 3 highly profitable companies and just gave his best friend a jet.”
They look expectantly at the last guy who says, “My son is a lesbian escort who gets showered with love and admiration. He just got a car, a house, and a jet from three of his clients.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting
The visiting church school supervisor asks
26.
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.
As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across the drawing of one little boy.
He was busy drawing a man driving an old car.
“In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question.
“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
A elderly lady was well-known
The doctor entered the room and advised
A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story.
As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done.
Then she came across the drawing of one little boy.
He was busy drawing a man driving an old car.
“In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”
“It’s a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”
The little boy seemed surprised at the question.
“Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn’t it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”
A elderly lady was well-known
The doctor entered the room and advised
27.
A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping
A man and his wife went three days without talking after having an argument.
On an occasion, the man remembered that the next day he would have an early meeting in office.
As he needed to get up early, he decided to ask his wife to wake him up.
But he did not want to be a person who began the first conversation, so he wrote on a paper: “You wake me up at 6 in the morning.”
When he got up in the morning, he looked at the clock and realized that it was 9 o’clock.
He was so angry and shouted: “What’s wrong with you! What were you thinking? You are inconsiderate, you did not do what I asked you to do.”
His wife did not say anything and looked at the table a paper on which was written the following: “It’s six o’clock, get up!”
A man scolded his son for being so unruly
A Husband and wife are shopping
28.
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
A couple were driving home late at night in the pouring rain when their car accidentally ran over a badger.
They got out of the car to see whether it was still alive, and found that although it was very cold, the animal was still breathing.
“What shall we do?” said the wife.
“I know,” said the husband.
“Put it between your legs to warm it up.”
“But it’s all wet and it stinks!”
“Well, cover the badger’s nose then!”
A young boy caught sight of his mother
A man was on a bus tour
29.
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
One day an elephant wandered into a forest in search of friends.
He saw a monkey on a tree.
“Will you be my friend?” asked the elephant.
Replied the monkey, “You are too big you can not swing from trees like me.”
Next, the elephant met a rabbit he asked him to be his friends.
But the rabbit said, “You are too big to play in my burrow!” Then the elephant met a frog.
“Will you be my friend? He asked.
“How can I?” asked the frog.
“You are too big to leap about like me.”
The elephant was upset.
He met a fox next.
“Will you be my friend?” he asked the fox.
The fox said, “Sorry, sir, you are too big.”
The next day, the elephant saw all the animals in the forest running for their lives.
The elephant asked them what the matter was.
The bear replied, “There is a tiger in the forest.
He’s trying to gobble us all up!”
The animals all ran away to hide.
The elephant wondered what he could do to save everyone in the forest.
Meanwhile, the tiger kept eating up whoever he could find.
The elephant walked up to the tiger and said, “Please, Mr Tiger, do not eat up these poor animals.”
“Mind your own business!” growled the tiger.
The elephant has a no choice but to give the tiger a hefty kick.
The frightened tiger ran for his life.
The elephant ambled back into the forest to announce the good news to everyone.
All the animals thanked the elephant.
They said, “You are just the right size to be our friend.”
The homeless man
The teacher decided to observe
30.
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile up on the freeway.
You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but something happened.
I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it.”
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact!
But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap.
It’s $1000 an inch.”
The man perks up at this.
“So,” the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want, but it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife.
I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine inches, she might be a bit put out.
But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time, she might be disappointed.
So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day.
“So,” says the doctor, “have you spoken with your wife?”
“I have,” says the man.
“And has she helped you in making the decision?” asked the doctor.
“She has,” says the man.
“And what is it?” asks the doctor.
“We’re getting a new kitchen.”
Two women are discussing
There are three women
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eng jokes