1.
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
2.
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs.
John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them just go ahead and finish your meal.”
For lunch, Grandpa made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have specks of dried egg on it.
“Are you sure these plates are clean?” he asked.
Without looking up, Grandpa said, “I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them!”
Later, as John was leaving, his grandpa’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass.
John said, “Grandpa, your dog won’t let me get by!”
Grandpa yelled to the dog, “Cold Water, go lie down!”
A son took his old father to a restaurant
A father watched his young daughter
3.
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
She was a friendly-looking young woman
Akbar & Birbal
4.
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home,…
when he saw a man eating grass by the side of the road
“Why are doing that?” the lawyer asked.
“I don’t have any money for food” the man replied.
“Oh, then you must come with me”.
“But, Sir, I have a wife and five children.”
“They are all welcome”.
So the family got in the lawyer’s car and he sped off towards his mansion.
“You’re so kind to help so many people” the wife gushed during the journey.
“It’s fine”. said the lawyer.
“I haven’t cut my grass in weeks
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
Baby Love, Cup Of Tea & Dad
5.
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
In a small town in the old country
An ugly old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”
Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”
Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”
Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”
Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”
Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
In a small town in the old country
6.
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
A guy and his wife go golfing.
They’re about halfway through the game when the husband slices a shot for the green and drops his ball right behind the greenskeeper’s shed, blocking his chance to chip in.
So, he lines up his shot, planning to hit it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot.
But his wife stops him.
“See here,“ she says, opening the back door of the shack. “Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” She walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
The husband smiles at her and shifts his stance to line up his shot through the open doors.
“This’ll be a great shot to brag about if I make it.”
But alas, he slices again. The ball travels up, hits the frame of the doorway, ricochets and hits the wife right in the forehead. She falls over dead on the spot.
About a year later the same fellow is back out on the same course, this time golfing with his boss.
They get to the hole where the awful tragedy occurred and, as luck would have it, he slices again, dropping it right behind the greenskeeper’s shed.
As he lines up his shot, planning to whack it out from behind the shed and then up on the green on his next shot, but his boss stops him.
“See here,“ the boss says, opening the back door of the shed.
“Your ball is laying right in the doorway.” he walks through the shed and opens the front door.
“Look. You can see the pin through the open doors.”
“No way, man!” he says. “Did the same thing last year. I took a six!”
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
There are 2 different approaches for
7.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
8.
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
9.
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
10.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
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11.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
12.
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.
When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies,
“Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids….”
A guy walks into the human resources department
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday
13.
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
14.
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
A man knocked at his Bedouin friend’s door to ask him a favor:
“I want you to lend me four thousand dinars because I have a debt to pay can you do that for me?”
The friend asked his wife to gather together everything they had of value, but even so it was not enough.
They had to go out and borrow money from the neighbors until they managed to get the full amount.
When the man left, the woman noticed that her husband was crying.
“Why are you sad? Now that we’ve got ourselves in debt with our neighbors, are you afraid we won’t be able to repay them?”
“Nothing of the sort! I’m crying because he is someone I love so much, but even so I had no idea he was in need.
“I only remembered him when he had to knock on my door to ask me for a loan.”
The porcupines decided to group
Two hunters from Moscow charter
15.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
16.
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn’t get her attention.
When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away.
Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, “Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn’t even make eye contact.”
“Oh,” said the waitress, “I thought you wanted more coffee.”
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
17.
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV it’s a microwave.”
A father asks his 10-year-old son
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, “That’s not a TV it’s a microwave.”
A father asks his 10-year-old son
A man and his wife were in divorce court
18.
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
19.
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car.
She wanted a fast sports car.
He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car.
She wanted a fast sports car.
He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
20.
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic:
hair and makeup done by a professional,
Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,”she tells the doctor, “
…but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor.
“Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Funny Psychiatrists
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic:
hair and makeup done by a professional,
Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,”she tells the doctor, “
…but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor.
“Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Funny Psychiatrists
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
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21.
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
22.
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this.
“So you’re telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says.
“I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry.
“Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.”
The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully.
“I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup.
Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.”
However, we found none of these things in your car?!
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
The astonished woman
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this.
“So you’re telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says.
“I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry.
“Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.”
The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully.
“I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup.
Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.”
However, we found none of these things in your car?!
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
The astonished woman
23.
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
24.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
25.
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
26.
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
A school teacher used to take a short nap every afternoon.
When his pupils asked him why he did so, he said that he went to dreamland to meet ancient sages.
One extremely hot day some of the pupils fell asleep in the afternoon.
When the school-teacher chided them, they said:
“We went to meet the sages in dreamland.”
“What did they say?” demanded the teacher.
“We asked them if a school- teacher came there every afternoon, but they said they had seen no such person.”
A beautiful redhead
Man And Ostrich
27.
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300
Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;
“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” “Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already…” “Ok then, give me the dead donkey”
“…What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” Asked Brathwaite.
“I’m going to raffle him.” Jonesey said calmly. “Are you mad?
You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!!” “I can’t? I will! I’m just not going to tell anyone he’s dead.”
One month later the two ran into each other.
“Jonesey!” Brathwaite exclaimed, “ What happened with your dead donkey boy?” Jonesey beamed,
“I raffled him off like I told you.
I sold 500 tickets at $5 dollars each and raked in $2,500! Brathwaite was shocked,
“…And no one complained about it being dead?”
“Only the guy who won, so I gave him back his $5.”
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite, an old farming partner for $300
Brathwaite agreed to deliver the donkey the following day.
One day later Brathwaite drove up and said;
“Sorry Jonesey, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.” “Well give me back my money.” Said Jonesey.
“Worse news boy, I spent it already…” “Ok then, give me the dead donkey”
“…What are you going to do with a dead donkey?” Asked Brathwaite.
“I’m going to raffle him.” Jonesey said calmly. “Are you mad?
You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!!” “I can’t? I will! I’m just not going to tell anyone he’s dead.”
One month later the two ran into each other.
“Jonesey!” Brathwaite exclaimed, “ What happened with your dead donkey boy?” Jonesey beamed,
“I raffled him off like I told you.
I sold 500 tickets at $5 dollars each and raked in $2,500! Brathwaite was shocked,
“…And no one complained about it being dead?”
“Only the guy who won, so I gave him back his $5.”
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well
A Police Officer was waiting along the side of a highway
28.
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
29.
I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo
I recall my first time with a protection.
I was 16 or so and I went in to buy a packet of protections at the pharmacy.
There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.
She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.
She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.
It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.
Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.
She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.
She then said it was time to slip the protection on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her undergarment and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’
So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and BOOM, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that protection on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.”
After returning from his honeymoon
A family goes to the zoo
30.
An old Man walked into the bank and stood in the queue, when it was his turn he handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10.”
The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”
The old man wanted to know the reason for this.
The teller returned his bank card and told him, “These are the banks rules & rules are rules, now sir, please leave if there is nothing else i can help you with, there is a queue behind you and you will find the ATM outside.”
The old man remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “yes can i withdraw all my money.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She shook her head, leaned over and whispered, “but sir you have £80,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”
The old man then asked, “how much can I withdraw today.”
The teller told him any amount up to £5000.
“Well, better give me £5000 just now”, The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to him.
The old man put £10 in his wallet, stood a couple of seconds before asking teller to deposit £4990 back into his account.
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
On Christmas Eve
An old Man walked into the bank and stood in the queue, when it was his turn he handed his bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10.”
The teller told him, “For withdrawals less than £100 please use the ATM.”
The old man wanted to know the reason for this.
The teller returned his bank card and told him, “These are the banks rules & rules are rules, now sir, please leave if there is nothing else i can help you with, there is a queue behind you and you will find the ATM outside.”
The old man remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “yes can i withdraw all my money.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She shook her head, leaned over and whispered, “but sir you have £80,000 in your account and the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?”
The old man then asked, “how much can I withdraw today.”
The teller told him any amount up to £5000.
“Well, better give me £5000 just now”, The teller then handed it very friendly and respectfully to him.
The old man put £10 in his wallet, stood a couple of seconds before asking teller to deposit £4990 back into his account.
The Ranger Explains The Differences In Bears
On Christmas Eve
Tags:
eng jokes