1.
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
2.
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
3.
A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her clothes and high heels.
“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A elderly couple returned to a Mercedes
A lady fixed her husband a special meal for his birthday.
After dinner she fixed him a pitcher of martinis then poured him a drink.
Then she left to pick up his favorite dessert from the local bakery.
When she returned from her errand she found her husband, drink in hand, prancing about the living room wearing her clothes and high heels.
“What the hell is going on!” she exclaimed.
Her husband got a quizzical look on his face and said,
“What? You asked what I wanted for my birthday and I told you. I wanted to eat, drink and…….. be Mary.”
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A elderly couple returned to a Mercedes
4.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
5.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
6.
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
7.
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
8.
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
Three mischievous old grannies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when an old man walked by.
One of the old ladies called out, saying, “We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.”
The old man responded, “There is no way you can.”
One of the women said, “Sure we can! Just drop your pants and we can tell your exact age.”
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped.
They asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, “You’re 87 years old!”
Standing with his pants around his ankles, the old gent asked, “How in the world did you guess?”
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three ladies happily yelled in unison…
“We were at your birthday party yesterday!”
A man brings his best buddy home
Two elderly women were out driving
9.
A Zen student said to his teacher, “Master, I have an ungovernable temper help me get rid of it.”
“You have something very strange,” said the teacher.
“Show it to me.”
“Right now I cannot show it to you.”
“Why not?”
“It arises suddenly.”
“Then it cannot be your own true nature,” said the teacher,
“If it were, you would be able to show it to me at any time why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”
There after whenever the student felt his temper rising he remembered his teacher’s words and checked his anger in time, he developed a calm and placid temperament.
Three newlywed men were discussing
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A Zen student said to his teacher, “Master, I have an ungovernable temper help me get rid of it.”
“You have something very strange,” said the teacher.
“Show it to me.”
“Right now I cannot show it to you.”
“Why not?”
“It arises suddenly.”
“Then it cannot be your own true nature,” said the teacher,
“If it were, you would be able to show it to me at any time why are you allowing something that is not yours to trouble your life?”
There after whenever the student felt his temper rising he remembered his teacher’s words and checked his anger in time, he developed a calm and placid temperament.
Three newlywed men were discussing
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
10.
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money.
She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!”
The receptionist objected, stating, “You can’t just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America he’s a very busy man.”
“But I am here to make a very large cash deposit,” added the old woman.
The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices.
She came back and said, “You’re in luck this morning, he will see you,” and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.
When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk.
The bank president stood up and asked, “How can I help you?”
She replied, “I would like to open a savings account,” and placed the bag of money on his desk.
“How much would you like to deposit?” he asked curiously.
One nun was called Sister Mathematical
The burnt light
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11.
An old man was sitting on a bus.
A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow.
The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had lovemaking with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Three older ladies were discussing
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar
An old man was sitting on a bus.
A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green,red,orange,blue,and yellow.
The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring.
The young man finally said sarcastically, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, “Got drunk once and had lovemaking with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Three older ladies were discussing
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar
12.
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“But officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer.
I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say,” “And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell
“I’m the groom.”
A really slow group of golfers
Salesman From La Tries To Trick Texas Lady
13.
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
One particular parrot is extremely cheap.
She asks the pet shop owner why.
The owner replies that it has spent some time in a brothel and has picked up some bad language.
Always the spendthrift, the lady takes the parrot home with the intention of teaching it some manners.
When she gets home the parrot pipes up. “New brothel, new Madame”.
The lady was a little taken aback, but remembering the Parrots background she chastises the parrot and tells it that sort of language is unacceptable.
A few hours later the lady’s two daughters arrive home.
The parrot pipes up again: “New brothel, new call girl”.
The girls are shocked but the mother explains the parrots background and once again chastises the parrot.
A few hours later the husband returns home.
Again the parrot pipes up: “Yo Steve, how you doing?”
There was once a man
A guy visits a carnival
14.
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
As a older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them !!!”
This guy walks into a bar
A man entered the bus
15.
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.
“Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No,” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I have to throw up!” exclaimed the girl.
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush,” said her mother.
After about sixty seconds, the little girl returned to her seat.
“Did you throw up?” her mother asked.
“Yes,” the little girl replied.
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?” her mother asked.
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy.”
They have a box next to the front door that says: ‘For the Sick.’”
A guy goes to a girl house for the first time
The wife has just taken a shower
16.
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
Actual Instruction Labels
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
If they say they’re John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.
Then ask them to spell the company name.
Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work, if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
Say “no” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.
This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, “I don’t have any friends, would you be my friend?”
If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.
My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout…”
If the company cleans rugs, respond: “Can you get out blood?
Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?”
Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, “I guess you don’t want anyone bothering you at home, right?”
The telemarketer will agree and you say, “Me either!” Hang up.
Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.
Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. “Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how’s your momma?”
Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
When the salesperson asks, “Is this the homeowner?” say, “Is this the salesperson?” And when they say, “Yes,” hang up.
Actual Instruction Labels
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
17.
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
One late Saturday night, a young guy walks 18-year-old Rachel to her front door.
They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny .
The alcohol they drank just minutes before, gave him a boost of confidence.
With a smile on his face, he leans with his arm against the wall and says:
“So… How about a bl*wjob?”
Horrified, she replies, “Are you crazy? My parents might see us!”
He answers:
“Oh, come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?”
“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?” She insists.
He continues, “Oh come on, there’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”
Her: “No way, it’s too risky.”
The light turns on
The boyfriend is now super horny:
“Please… I love you so much!”
She answers with a sad voice: “I love you too, but I just can’t…
I would never be able to look at my parents in the eyes again.”
“Please?..” the guy continues, now really desperate.
Out of the blue, the light on the door turns on, and the girl’s sister shows up in her shorts with messy hair.
In a sleepy voice, she says: “Dad says to go ahead and give him a bl*wjob.
Or mom can do it. Or if need be, he’ll come down himself and do it.
But for God’s sake, tell him to take his hand off the intercom.
A blonde woman walking down the street
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
18.
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud knocking on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunk stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband,
“it is 3:00 in the morning!”
He then returns to bed.
“Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some guy asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”
“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!.”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes back the answer.
“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.
A young lady settled down in her local train
Two young brothers in Rome
19.
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She Daughter-in-law always asks my son.”
“If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!
A few days later husband and wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked:
“now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
Husband replied: “I don’t have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us.”
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
A little boy and a little girl attended
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
A 50 year old lady, who suddenly started learning how to swim instead of her usual routine work of going to a Church !!!!
Everyone was curious and asked her: “why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?”
The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: “Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel each other She Daughter-in-law always asks my son.”
“If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
And because I do not want to put my son in a difficult position, so I am learning how to swim!
A few days later husband and wife were quarreling again, and the daughter-in-law unreasonably asked:
“now tell me! If your mom and I fall in water, whom will you save first?”
Husband replied: “I don’t have to get down in the water, my mom knows how to swim, she will save you.”
Wife refused to relent: “No, you have to jump in the water, and have to save one of us.”
Husband replied: “Then you will surely die…. because I don’t know how to swim …. and my mom will definitely save me first.”
A little boy and a little girl attended
A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant
20.
There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn.
It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.
After searching for a while he gave up and enlisted the help of children playing outside the barn.
After they searched for a while, just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy went up to him and asked for another chance.
The farmer looked at him and thought, why not?
After all your friends look sincere enough so the farmer sent the boy back in the barn.
After a moment, the boy came out with a watch on his hand.
The farmer was both happy and surprised so he asked the boy how he succeeded.
The boy replied, “I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen in silence,
I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction”
A woman walks into the City
A philosophy professor
There once was a farmer who discovered that he had lost his watch in the barn.
It was no ordinary watch because it had sentimental value for him.
After searching for a while he gave up and enlisted the help of children playing outside the barn.
After they searched for a while, just when the farmer was about to give up, a little boy went up to him and asked for another chance.
The farmer looked at him and thought, why not?
After all your friends look sincere enough so the farmer sent the boy back in the barn.
After a moment, the boy came out with a watch on his hand.
The farmer was both happy and surprised so he asked the boy how he succeeded.
The boy replied, “I did nothing but sit on the ground and listen in silence,
I heard the ticking of the watch and just looked for it in that direction”
A woman walks into the City
A philosophy professor
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21.
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson accidentally travel through time
At the endgame premiere, Scarlett Johansson and Chris Evans accidentally traveled back in time to 1960s on a cruise.
It seemed nice, however people looked at them confused.
The ship crashes on a island and Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, and the Beatles are the only survivors.
Immediately the Beatles fall head over heels for Scarlett, as many people do today.
Chris had brought coin rolls with him to endgame, so he used them as a weapon to protect Scarlett.
Ringo immediately sees them and yells at the other Beatles.
In fact, it was the first time any of the Beatles had seen coin rolls.”Look at this!”
Paul exclaims opon seeing them, ” Bloody quarter lines! And the other coins are in lines to. “
Chris tried to explain coin rolls to the other Beatles but they all have ignored him with excitement.
All except John. He stops in front of Chris and Scarlett and asks, “Where can i buy these ‘coin rolls’?”
Chris replied with “Google it.”
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer
Mom, why am I named Rosemary
22.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
23.
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in its mouth.
The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.
He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy,
“Did you hear that Fluffy died?” The guy stammers and says, “Um… no… what happened?” The neighbor replies,
“We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.
There are some real sick people out there!”
A man is talking to a local at the pub
A teacher is going over farming tools
24.
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
25.
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to Confession and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven different women.”
The priest replied, “Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing.”
“Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?”
“No,” said the priest, “but it will wipe that crap-eatin’ grin off your face.”
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A Jewish man went to eat at a Chinese restaurant
26.
In ancient Greece there lived an old man (Cimon).
The old man was sentenced to hunger death, he was kept in prison.
The idea was to keep him hungry till he died.
His darling daughter who was lactating pleaded with the government to see him (Cimon) everyday at least until his death.
She was granted permission.
She was checked thoroughly by the prison officers to ensure she is not carrying any food for her father.
Pero couldn’t bear the sight of her dying father.
She looked at him with the eyes of of a caring father.
So, in order to save his life she gave him breast milk on a daily basis.
When Cimon was still alive after many days without food the government became suspicious of Pero.
On one occasion, the prison guards caught Pero fronts feeding her father.
The case was filed against her but her selflessness and attitude won and turned the heart and mind of the jailer and he granted her father freedom.
Share! Share!
The Lion & The Poor Slave
In ancient Greece there lived an old man (Cimon).
The old man was sentenced to hunger death, he was kept in prison.
The idea was to keep him hungry till he died.
His darling daughter who was lactating pleaded with the government to see him (Cimon) everyday at least until his death.
She was granted permission.
She was checked thoroughly by the prison officers to ensure she is not carrying any food for her father.
Pero couldn’t bear the sight of her dying father.
She looked at him with the eyes of of a caring father.
So, in order to save his life she gave him breast milk on a daily basis.
When Cimon was still alive after many days without food the government became suspicious of Pero.
On one occasion, the prison guards caught Pero fronts feeding her father.
The case was filed against her but her selflessness and attitude won and turned the heart and mind of the jailer and he granted her father freedom.
Share! Share!
The Lion & The Poor Slave
27.
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch.
He’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch.
He’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
A farmer is tending to his flock sheep
The baker decided to weigh the butter
28.
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili
29.
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not what I want.
I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
Girl: “Oh. You’ll have to see my father about that because I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not what I want.
I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
Girl: “Oh. You’ll have to see my father about that because I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
30.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
Tags:
eng jokes