1.
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I ‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
A young man sees her and eagerly approaches
A waiter takes an order from a customer
2.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
3.
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns.
The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says.
“Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear.
He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”
Two tourists were driving through
A policeman stops a lady
4.
The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,
“Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
“What the hell do you think I am…
A STUNT DRIVER?”
Two Women riding in an elevator
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,
“Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
“What the hell do you think I am…
A STUNT DRIVER?”
Two Women riding in an elevator
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
5.
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
The devil realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing.
He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
The guard stops him and says
The pastor always said
6.
One night a little girl walks in on her parents room while they doing romance.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about this so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face,
“Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner
A little boy walks in on his parents
One night a little girl walks in on her parents room while they doing romance.
The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops.
“What are you doing, Mommy?”
The mother too embarrassed to tell her little girl about this so she makes up an answer.
“Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl replies, “Well, mommy you really shouldn’t bother with that.”
The mother has a confused look on her face,
“Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl replies “Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner
A little boy walks in on his parents
7.
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole in the ice and peers into it.
As he does so, a loud voice from above says,
“There are no fish down there.”
So the drunk fisherman walks several yards away and drills another hole.
As he peers into it he again hears a voice say,
“There’s no fish down there.”
So he walks about 20 yards away and drills another hole.
Once again the voice says,
“There’s no fish down there.”
The fisherman looks up to the sky and asks,
“God, is that you?”
“No, you idiot,” says the voice.
“It’s the rink manager.”
A elderly woman went to the doctor
A farmer walked into a bar
8.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
9.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
She called him on the mobile
A Burglar Invades A House
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
She called him on the mobile
A Burglar Invades A House
10.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day. So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before
I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts. So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day. So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before
I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts. So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
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11.
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attached to her eye.
He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.
The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.
This carries on for a while and the bartender eventually decides to tell her to stop.
“Excuse me ma’am, i would appreciate it if you did not hit your son.”
“He is NOT my son! He is my husband!”
The young man notices the quizzical look on the bartenders face and explains.
“I am actually much older than i look. A few days ago, i found a Genie who offered me two wishes. Being an elderly man, my first wish was to look and act much younger.”
The bartender says “Wow, that’s incredible, you don’t look a day over 25! So why does your wife have a phone attached to her eye?”
“Well, since I had wished to look and act much younger, I had a sudden urge to go on the internet, but I had no phone or internet connection. My second wish was to have a mobile phone with permanent wife-eye connection!”
A American girl was visiting England
A firefighter is working on the engine
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attached to her eye.
He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.
The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.
This carries on for a while and the bartender eventually decides to tell her to stop.
“Excuse me ma’am, i would appreciate it if you did not hit your son.”
“He is NOT my son! He is my husband!”
The young man notices the quizzical look on the bartenders face and explains.
“I am actually much older than i look. A few days ago, i found a Genie who offered me two wishes. Being an elderly man, my first wish was to look and act much younger.”
The bartender says “Wow, that’s incredible, you don’t look a day over 25! So why does your wife have a phone attached to her eye?”
“Well, since I had wished to look and act much younger, I had a sudden urge to go on the internet, but I had no phone or internet connection. My second wish was to have a mobile phone with permanent wife-eye connection!”
A American girl was visiting England
A firefighter is working on the engine
12.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
13.
A call girl brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.
The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”
Her client tells her to give him a hand job.
Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good bl*w jobs.
“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good bl*w jobs.”
Her client asks her to give him a bl*w job.
Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a lady parts.”
A blonde came home from school
A gang of armed robbers
A call girl brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago.
The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.
“You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs.”
Her client tells her to give him a hand job.
Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good bl*w jobs.
“Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good bl*w jobs.”
Her client asks her to give him a bl*w job.
Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.
“Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if only I had a lady parts.”
A blonde came home from school
A gang of armed robbers
14.
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
A rich cheapskate hires a local handyman from the want ads.
The handyman shows up in overalls, chewing a piece of straw in his teeth.
“What y’all want done ’round here?” the bumpkin asks.
“I need you to demolish my porch. Smash it apart, and haul the scrap away to the junkyard.”
“Alrighty!” says the bumpkin. “I’ll have ‘er done in a jiffy.” And off he goes.
He comes back, several hours later, all sweaty, and tired. “Well… work’s all done.
But you of all folks oughta know, that that weren’t no Porsche. It’s was a Ferrari.”
A guy dials his home and a strange woman
A guy phones up his Boss
15.
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
16.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, “Don’t worry about that It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
The Sick Lion & The Fox
A elephant wandered into a forest
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said.
“I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on hunting equipment?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.
“I haven’t gone hunting in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you money Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded.
“Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?”
I replied, “Don’t worry about that It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.”
The Sick Lion & The Fox
A elephant wandered into a forest
17.
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story Don’t mess with the old dogs Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts
There was a man sitting at a bar
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost.
Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in it now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther.
So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says …….
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
Moral of this story Don’t mess with the old dogs Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery! and brilliance only come with age and experience.
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts
There was a man sitting at a bar
18.
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting but all the good fields they found were posted “No Trespassing.”
Being a law-abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their car and went to a farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields.
The Salt Lake hunter assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said he would allow the hunting of his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor.
“You see that old horse over there by your car? Well, he’s old and he’s got the miseries, But he’s sort of a family pet, and I can’t bring myself to shoot him will you shoot him for me?”
The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son.
As he approached the car, his son asked, “Well, can we hunt the fields?”
The man, pretending to be angry, responded, “You know these farmers, they won’t let anybody hunt here it makes me so mad, I could….I could.”
The man picked up his gun and shot the farmer’s horse.
But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him.
He turned around and his son said, “You got his horse, I got his dog and cow now let’s get outta here!”
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A cowboy
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting but all the good fields they found were posted “No Trespassing.”
Being a law-abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their car and went to a farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields.
The Salt Lake hunter assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said he would allow the hunting of his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor.
“You see that old horse over there by your car? Well, he’s old and he’s got the miseries, But he’s sort of a family pet, and I can’t bring myself to shoot him will you shoot him for me?”
The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son.
As he approached the car, his son asked, “Well, can we hunt the fields?”
The man, pretending to be angry, responded, “You know these farmers, they won’t let anybody hunt here it makes me so mad, I could….I could.”
The man picked up his gun and shot the farmer’s horse.
But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him.
He turned around and his son said, “You got his horse, I got his dog and cow now let’s get outta here!”
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A cowboy
19.
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.
The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, but then hesitated and said: ‘Sorry, I can’t do it.’
Next it was the second man’s turn to be interviewed.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun, walked out again. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can’t do it.’
Finally it was the third man’s turn.
The FBI agent told him: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders.
Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.’
The man took the gun and went into the room.
The agent heard six shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
Seconds later the man came out of the room, saying: ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks, so I had to beat her to death with the chair!’
A man sees an ad for a $50 cruise
Four freshman partied too hard
20.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
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21.
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
A woman wants to divorce her husband, so she is talking to her lawyer.
Lawyer: “Well first we need a reason, is he not giving you money?”
Woman: “if he hides as much as a dollar from me, I’m not cooking for him for three days straight.”
Lawyer: “Well is he beating you?”
Woman: “Him? I’d throw him through the window, with my left hand only”
Lawyer: “How about being faithful?”
Women: “That’s where we get him! The second child is not from him.”
This blonde city girl who was out driving
The bride immediately called her mother
22.
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute.
So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.
“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.”
So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.
Now the man begins to panic.
“What am I going to do?”
He thinks, “I’m a goner!”
Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him.
He can’t figure out where this man is coming from, or what he’s doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me.
If he can’t, then I’m done for.”
When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down,
“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”
The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”
The teacher asks her student
A old lady was stopped
23.
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
24.
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
Little Harry walks in the bathroom and sees his mum with no clothes on, standing in front of him, he looks up at her private parts he asks “What’s that mum?”
His mum frozen tried to think what to say, finally she came up with the following, “That’s where your dad accidentally hit me with an love!” and little Harry replies,
“Good shot, right in the cunt!”
A older couple wake up in the morning
A family is at the dinner table
25.
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
A young female teacher, good looking and wearing a short and tight skirt, was giving an assignment to her class one day.
It was a big assignment, so she started writing high up on the whiteboard.
Suddenly, one boy in the class giggles.
She quickly turns and asks:
“What’s so funny, Michael?”
“Sorry teacher, but I just saw one of your garters,” he answers.
Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the whiteboard after adjusting her skirt.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top to write it.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another student.
She turns again and shouts:
“What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
His days are counted she, now furious, screams as loud as she can:
“Get out of my classroom!!” This time the punishment gets more severe.
“I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
She fixes her skirt again.
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops her marker when she turns towards the board, so she bends over to pick it up.
This time one of the kids bursts out laughing.
The teacher quickly turns around and sees little Johnny packing his things and heading for the classroom’s door.
“Where do you think you are going?” She asks.
Johnny turns around, still shocked, and answers: “Well, from what I just saw, my school days are pretty much over.”
A man and a woman meet
A blonde woman walking down the street
26.
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
Josey wasn’t the best pupil at Sunday school.
She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.
“Who is the creator of the universe?”
Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up.
Josey jumped and yelled, “God almighty!”
The teacher congratulated her.
A little later the teacher asked her another question, “Tell me who is our lord and savior?”
Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, “Jesus Christ!”
The teacher congratulated her again.
Later on the teacher asked, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”
Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, “If you stick that thing in me again, I’ll snap it in half and stick it up your bum!”
A very attractive nun
The employer asked the candidate
27.
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, “How many children do you have?”
“Ten,” she replied.
“What are their names?” he asked.
“LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy,” she answered.
“They’re all named LeRoy?” he asked “What if you want them to come in from playing outside?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just call ‘LeRoy,’ and they all come running in.”
“And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?”
“I just say, ‘LeRoy, come eat your dinner’,” she answered.
“But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?” he asked.
“Oh, that’s easy,” she said. “I just use their last name!”
A small guy goes into an elevator
A old couple go to a doctor
28.
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.
“Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?”
“Sure. Do you know the bulls only bang the cows once a year?”
“Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what’s the relationship between this and Mad Cow?”
“And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?”
“Mr. Brown, that’s interesting, but, what’s the point?”
“Lady, the point is this: if I’m playing with your melons twice a day, but only bang you once a year, wouldn’t you go mad, too?”
Three women worked in the same office
A married man decided to work late
29.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
30.
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
Tags:
eng jokes