1.
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
The wife served breakfast to the Husband.
Along with that, she gave me a tablet also and said:
“Take this Paracetamol after breakfast.”
Husband: “Why? I don’t have a fever.”
Wife: “OK, then take this Digene.”
Husband: “Come on ! I don’t have even gastric trouble.”
Wife: “OK, take at least Pudeen Hara You will have an immediate relief.”
Husband: “My dear, my stomach is perfectly OK.”
Wife: “Oh, but you must take at least Combiflame Any pain in your hands or legs will disappear in no time.”
Husband: “Are you crazy? Why so much of care and concern for me all of a sudden? Thanx darling, but I am totally fit, fresh and energetic.”
Wife: “Ve….ry good ! Now take this broom and clean up the cobwebs from all the rooms and then clean up the loft also.”
A husband and wife talking
Three elderly men are at the doctor
2.
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
A woman said to her friend, “I don’t know what to do. My husband is such a mess maker that you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything in its place, I am always going around the house organizing things.”
The friend says, “Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put back in its place.’”
The first woman asked, “Did it help?”
Her friend said, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”
A drunken man gets on the bus
Two young men were out in the woods
3.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
4.
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher
“Walking is especially beneficial And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the instructor.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
A Young Mouse & Frog
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
The Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
“Ladies, exercise is good for you,” announced the teacher
“Walking is especially beneficial And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!”
The room was very quiet.
Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
“Yes?” asked the instructor.
“Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?”
A Young Mouse & Frog
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar
5.
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
A guy is walking down the street with his friend.
He says to his friend, “I’m just a walking economy.”
His friend replies, “What do you mean?”
“It’s like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.
Two kids are arguing
A woman meets a man in a bar
6.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
7.
Three old men are discussing their make love lives.
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”
The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had make love I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had lovemaking too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
He asked the madame
Three old men are discussing their make love lives.
The Italian man says, “Last week, my wife and I had great lovemaking. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end.”
The Frenchman boasts, “Last week when my wife and I had make love I rubbed her body all over with butter. We made passionate love and she screamed for 15 minutes.
The old Jewish man says, “Well last week my wife and I had lovemaking too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned.
They replied, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?”
“I wiped my hands on the drapes.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
He asked the madame
8.
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get to the cabin, the guy goes out to chop some wood to start the fireplace.
When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
To that she replies “Well, come here and I’ll warm them between my legs.”
He goes out a couple of more times and does the same thing.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night.
When he returns, he again says, “Honey, my hands are really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A female teacher was having a problem
9.
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender,
“I’m so pissed off!”
“Oh yeah? What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home.
We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her damned husband came in the front door.
So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough,” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said:
“Hey great! You’re undressed already! Let me just take a leak.”
And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t piss out the window right onto my head?”
“Yeech!” the bartender shook his head.
“No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his protection out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!”
“Damn, that’s awful!” says the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump.
It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his bum out of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would sure mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on,
“But do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground.”
A nervous young lady sat on a dentist’s chair
Valentine’s Day was quickly approaching
10.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?”
A teacher asks a student
A lady calls the police to report
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?”
A teacher asks a student
A lady calls the police to report
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11.
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast.
Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
“Henry,” she said, “I’ve just received a letter from mother saying she isn’t accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her.
What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn’t you?”
“Er, yes, I did,” said the husband.
“But I, I couldn’t spell ‘convenience,’ so I made it ‘risk.'”
A woman goes to a psychiatrist
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed
12.
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm and they were in a floating structure in the middle of a crocodile lake.
The owner of the farm shouted:
“Whoever jumps into the water and swims to shore, will receive 10 million dollars.”
The silence was deafening.
Suddenly, a man jumped into the water.
He was chased by crocodiles, but with great luck he was unharmed.
The owner announced: “We have a winner!”
After receiving their reward, the man and his wife returned to the hotel room.
The man tells his wife:
“I did not jump in myself, Someone pushed me!”
His wife smiled and said coldly: “It was me!”
Moral of the story: Behind every successful man, there is always a woman to give him a little push!
Paddy and Murphy are working
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday
13.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
14.
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.
Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?”
Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.
“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
A man wasn’t feeling well
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.
Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him.
“So what would you like?”
Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him.
“Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.”
“OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!”
Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging “Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?”
A man wasn’t feeling well
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
15.
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.”
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.”
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!”
A woman pregnant with triplets
A US Sailor is in a Mexican
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, “Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale.”
A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, “I caught them at the dam, so they’re dam fish.”
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, “Preachers aren’t supposed to talk like that.”
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them.
When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
His son replied, “That’s the spirit dad. Pass those f**king potatoes!”
A woman pregnant with triplets
A US Sailor is in a Mexican
16.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
17.
A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home
Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition.
The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left
The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship…
The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying…
The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess
What do you think she shouted to her husband?”
Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!”
The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him
The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!”
The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?”
The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same words!”
Two roosters fought for supremacy
While rummaging through the boat
A couple went for a cruise tour to enjoy their private honeymoon while leaving their children at home
Unfortunately, the cruise ship was sinking due to catastrophic weather condition.
The couple finally made their way to the lifeboat area but there was only space for one person left
The man jumped onto the lifeboat, leaving his wife on the sinking ship…
The wife stood on the sinking ship and shouted to her husband saying…
The teacher paused the above story and asked her students in the classroom, “Let us guess
What do you think she shouted to her husband?”
Most students answered altogether: “I hate you! I was blinded by love!”
The teacher noticed that there was a student who sat quietly and asked him
The student answered, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our children!”
The teacher was shocked and asked: “Have you heard this story before?”
The student shook his head and said, “Nope, but before my mother passed away to disease, she told my father the exact same words!”
Two roosters fought for supremacy
While rummaging through the boat
18.
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A young man went to his grandfather’s place to stay for the weekend.
He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.
He asked his grandfather,
“Are you sure you washed it properly?”
“As clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply.
So the young man shrugged and started eating.
The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy.
It also smelled a bit like dog.
“Are you sure you washed it properly?” He asked.
“Clean as cold water can get it.” was the reply again.
The man, a bit suspicious for his health, looked at his grandfather, than at his plate and started eating.
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog jumped out in front of him, growled and generally blocked him from going forward.
“Cold water, leave the poor boy alone!” shouted the old man from inside.
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
19.
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
20.
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
Wife’s Diary: Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.
I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
The conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.
He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.”
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.
He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior.
I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
He just sat there quietly and watched TV.
He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed.
About 15 minutes later, he came to bed.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.
He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do.
I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary, same day: A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?
A child asked his father
Wife had delivered twins
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21.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
22.
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
23.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for a half hour.
Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears,
“This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office.
My outraged boss fires me
When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.
The police say they can do nothing
I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet.
The cab driver just drives away.
I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
Two men were sitting in a pub drinking
24.
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time.
He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
1) A certifiable medical excuse.
2) A death in the student’s immediate family.
The class smart alack (believe me, there’s always at least one in every class!) raised his hand and asked,
“What about extreme bang exhaustion?”
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glare and said,
“Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
An old lady on the bus
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
25.
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds
What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
he lawyer looked puzzled
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
The rain was pouring
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought?
Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds
What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi?
Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.”
he lawyer looked puzzled
“Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”
The rain was pouring
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
26.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year grandson.
The old man’s hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.
The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather’s shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult.
Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
“We must do something about Grandfather,” said the son.
“I’ve had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor”.
So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed their dinners together.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.
When the family glanced in Grandfather’s direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence.
One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, “What are you making?”
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, “Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when you get old.”
The four year old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents that they were speechless.
Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.
Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done that evening the husband took Grandfather’s hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family and for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
Children are remarkably perceptive their eyes ever observe, their ears ever listen, and their minds ever process the messages they absorb.
If they see us patiently provide a happy home atmosphere for family members, they will imitate that attitude for the rest of their lives.
The wise parent realizes that every day that building blocks are being laid for the child’s future.
The Magical Lamp
A Woman Writes In To A Men’s Helpline
27.
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
An old man is 85-year old and insists on taking his wife’s hand everywhere they go.
When a man asked him why his wife kept looking away, he responded,
“Because she has Alzheimer’s.” the old man said.
Then the man proceeded to ask him, will your wife worry if you let her go?
He then replied, “She doesn’t remember anything, she doesn’t know who I am anymore, she hasn’t recognized me for years.”
Surprised, the old man said, “And you have continued to guide her every single day even though she doesn’t recognize you?”
The elderly man smiled and looked into the man’s eyes and said, “She may not know who I am, but I know who she is, and she is the love of my life.”
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch
28.
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looked their up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinking’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinking’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
Joe had asked Bob to help
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, “Looked their up ahead, Earl, it’s a police roadblock! We’re gonna get busted fer drinking’ these here beers!!”
“Don’t worry, Bubba,” Earl said.
“We’ll just pull over and finish drinking’ these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?” asked Bubba.
“Just let me do the talkin’, OK?” said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, “You boys been drinking’?”
“No sir,” Earl said. “We’re on the patch.”
Joe had asked Bob to help
A woman takes her daughter to doctor
29.
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House.
All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run you about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
Johnny doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.”
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
Johnny whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700.”
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
30.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
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eng jokes