1.
My son starts school today, It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently.
It is an adventure that might take him across continents.
All adventures that probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow.
To live this life will require faith, love and courage.
So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him – but gently, if you can.
Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend.
He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true.
But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader.
Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found in school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.
Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win.
Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people.
A king had his men place a boulder
A 12-year-old girl was walking
My son starts school today, It is all going to be strange and new to him for a while and I wish you would treat him gently.
It is an adventure that might take him across continents.
All adventures that probably include wars, tragedy and sorrow.
To live this life will require faith, love and courage.
So dear Teacher, will you please take him by his hand and teach him things he will have to know, teaching him – but gently, if you can.
Teach him that for every enemy, there is a friend.
He will have to know that all men are not just, that all men are not true.
But teach him also that for every scoundrel there is a hero, that for every crooked politician, there is a dedicated leader.
Teach him if you can that 10 cents earned is of far more value than a dollar found in school, teacher, it is far more honorable to fail than to cheat.
Teach him to learn how to gracefully lose, and enjoy winning when he does win.
Teach him to be gentle with people, tough with tough people.
A king had his men place a boulder
A 12-year-old girl was walking
2.
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said,
“I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why do you want to talk to me?” she asked puzzled.
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Did anything happen today
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
3.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired holding hands, they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Jerry had carved I love you, Sally.
Jerry said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers.
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Jerry said, She’s lying.
She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Jerry said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday.
My wife and I were sitting at a table
A man calls home to his wife
4.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle.”
A lady from the city and her traveling
A man walks into a store
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle.”
A lady from the city and her traveling
A man walks into a store
5.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
6.
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
A elderly couple are walking down a country road one day and they see a man standing next to a plane with a sign that says “Plane Rides $5”
The old woman looks at her husband and says “Earl, let’s go up in the plane”
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5, maybe next time.”
And on they went.
Fast forward 3 weeks, same couple same plane.
“Oh Earl let’s do the plane ride today “
Earl replies “Ethel $5 is $5 , maybe next time.”
The pilot interrupts and says “I’ve seen you two every day for 3 weeks and its always the same so I’ll make you a deal,
if you and your wife can go the whole ride without making a sound, I’ll give you the ride for free.”
Earl looks at Ethel and says “Deal”
And off they went.
They’re up in the plane and haven’t made a sound so the pilot starts pulling out every trick in the book, loops and barrel rolls, nose dives and stalls and still the two dont make a sound.
Defeated the pilot lands and everyone gets out.
“Man I thought for sure I’d have you holler’n doing all them flips and such”
Earl replies “Well I was gonna say something when Ethel fell out but $5 is $5”.
A young recruit goes to the military office
A girl goes into her father’s study
7.
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
There’s a couple that has been dating for a while.
As much as he wants to, she won’t sleep with him, because she’s saving her purity for marriage.
Just as they were kissing, he was becoming hotter and hotter, and he said,
“Oh come on, just a feeling.”
To which she replies, “No, I’m saving myself for marriage!”
They went back and forth.
He said, “Just one feel, I promise, that’s all, just one feel.”
She finally agreed, “Okay, just one feel, but that’s all, just one, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
So he puts his hand down her underwear and takes a little feel.
Things are getting a lot warmer and he asks, “Can’t we please?”
She of course states, “NO, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “Please, please?” and she says,
“No, absolutely not, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He says, “How about if I agree to only just put the tip in?”
She says, “No way, I’m saving myself for marriage.”
He begs and pleads with her, “I promise, just the tip, no more,and we’ll stop after that.”
She finally gives in, “Okay, but just the t!p, no more, and that’s all.”
He says okay and pulls down her underwear and puts the tip in he’s so hot and ready that he can’t control himself shoves it the whole way in and starts going to town she meanwhile is moaning and groaning and shouts,
“Okay, go ahead and put it the whole way in!!”
A little stunned, he says, “No no…absolutely not, a deals a deal!”
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
A husband and wife get up on Sunday
8.
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their make love activities.
The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she was able to get her husband excited at night by getting totally undressed, lying in bed, and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night she got totally naked and began the long process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place, as she was a bit arthritic, but she finally got it in place.
She was having an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked back so hard that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her bum sticking
straight up in the air.
Moments after this happened, her husband came out of the bathroom.
“Gladys!” he exclaimed,
“For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth back in! You look like an bastard!!”
A business man got on an elevator
A man goes into a restaurant
9.
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little. weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas.” sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
“Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?” he asked again.
“Oh no, father. Just a little gas.”
She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, “Cute little fart.”
Two blonde girls walk into a store
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers
10.
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
A ship captain was alerted by one of his sailors about a pirate ship approaching their coordinates.
He asks the sailor to bring him his red shirt.
The sailor asked him, “Why do you need a red shirt, Captain?”
The captain replied, “So if I lose, you will not see me bleed.”
This gave his crew the courage they need and they eventually fought off the pirates from the enemy ship.
The next day, a sailor informed the captain of two pirate ships approaching.
“Bring me my red shirt!” the Captain shouted. And they all fought bravely and won.
On the third day, a sailor comes to the Captain trembling with fear.
“What is it, son?” asked the Captain.
The sailor replied, “Captain, we see ten pirate ships approaching! Shall I bring you the red shirt?”
The captain yells, “Bring me my brown pants!”
Mary and her five-year old son
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
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11.
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
A guy’s partner called him late at night worried that he wasn’t home yet
Partner: Where have you been? It’s near 3 am. And you sound very tense. What’s happened?
Guy: Oh God! I’m in the car.
But somebody has stolen the steering wheel! I don’t know what to do.
On top of that it’s raining like crazy and the car is getting flooded.
Partner: Are you drunk again?
Guy: Just a few beers. But that has nothing to do with this. Can you call someone?
Partner: Ok, listen to me. Just shut up and close your eyes. First, breathe.
Guy: Ok.
Partner: Now, get out of the passenger seat and go sit in the driver’s seat.
Guy: Woah!
Partner: Also, don’t drive, I’m coming to get you. (Drunk driving is bad, folks!)
Guy: Ok…
Partner: Finally, stop peeing. It’s not rained in three months.
Two guys walking in front of a large church
After returning from his honeymoon
12.
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
A man walked into work on Monday with two black eyes.
His boss asked what happened.
The man said, “I was sitting behind a big woman at church.
When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out.
She turned around and punched me square in the eye.”
“Where did you get the other shiner?” the boss asked.
“Well,” the man said, “I figured she didn’t want it out, so I pushed it back in.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A woman was terribly overweight
13.
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn’t want to make love with him for the last 7 months.
The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her what’s wrong and why doesn’t she want to make love with her husband any more.
The wife tells him, “For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work.
I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me, ‘So are you going to pay today or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
When I get to work I’m late so the boss asks me, ‘So are we going to write this down in the book or what?’ so I take a ‘or what’.
Back home again I take the cab and again I don’t have any money so the cab driver asks me again, ‘So are you going to pay this time or what?’ so again I take a ‘or what’.
So you see doc when I get home I’m all tired out, and I don’t want it any more.”
The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, “So are we going to tell your husband or what?”
This elderly lady went to the doctor
Two sisters blonde and brunette
14.
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster.
He was hoping he could get a special rooster one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm.
Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk.
“Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt.
There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen.
But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace.
Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.”
But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn.
His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out.
A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
Three homeless man huddled up close
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
15.
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
A Man and His Wife Are at a Restaurant and the Husband Keeps Staring at an Old Drunken Lady Swigging Her Gin at a Nearby Table.
His Wife Asks, “Do You Know Her?”
“Yes,” Sighs the Husband.
“She’s My Ex-wife, she Took to Drinking Right after We Divorced Seven Years Ago, and I Hear She Hasn’t Been Sober Since.”
“My God!” Says the Wife.
“Who Would Think a Person Could Go on Celebrating That Long?”
A poor boy and rich girl
Who Want To Go To Hell
16.
A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain a person could possibly experience.
“Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth,” said the woman.
“Nonsense,” said the man, “a kick to the crotch is much more painful. Ask any guy.”
“You’re so wrong,” maintained the woman, “Childbirth is far more painful.”
“The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: “I have proof that I am right.”
“What proof?” she asked scornfully.
“Because,” he continued, “a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, ‘Do you want to try for another baby?’
But I have never, ever heard a man say, even years later, ‘You know what I’d really like? Another kick to the crotch.'”
Jack goes to the doctor
A man walks into a dimly lit bar
A man and a woman were discussing the worst pain a person could possibly experience.
“Without doubt, there is nothing more painful in life than childbirth,” said the woman.
“Nonsense,” said the man, “a kick to the crotch is much more painful. Ask any guy.”
“You’re so wrong,” maintained the woman, “Childbirth is far more painful.”
“The man was not about to yield to her argument and announced: “I have proof that I am right.”
“What proof?” she asked scornfully.
“Because,” he continued, “a few years after giving birth a woman will say to her partner, ‘Do you want to try for another baby?’
But I have never, ever heard a man say, even years later, ‘You know what I’d really like? Another kick to the crotch.'”
Jack goes to the doctor
A man walks into a dimly lit bar
17.
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
Once at a crossroad, Mulla Nasruddin Hodja saw a portly nobleman riding towards him.
“I say, Mulla,” said the man.
“Which is the way to the palace?”
“How did you know I was a Mulla?” asked Hodja.
The nobleman had a habit of addressing every scholarly-looking man as “Mulla,” which was a title given to learned men and meant “master” but he didn’t want to tell Hodja that.
“How did I know?” he bragged.
“Well, I’m a mind-reader, that’s how.”
“Pleased to meet you,” said Hodja.
“As to your question, read my mind and proceed.”
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Two young guys appear in court
18.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any recent interest in his paintings, which happened to be on display.
“I have good news and bad news,” the gallery owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death.”
“What did you say?” questioned the artist.
“When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed.
“What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
A frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline
I Gotta Be Drunk
19.
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s make love scandal.
Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too.
Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having make love relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.
Husband: He is a veterinarian.
A old man and woman were married for years
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen while the husband was watching a debate in a news channel over a doctor’s make love scandal.
Wife: Why is everyone’s going so mad? Doctors are humans too.
Unless the doctor is raping women in his office, I don’t see any problem in having make love relationship with patients. Common, everyone does this.
Husband: He is a veterinarian.
A old man and woman were married for years
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
20.
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
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21.
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
“I can’t speak to my wife directly as she might find it offensive, given our old age” he says to the doc.
“There’s a simple trick you can try to determine her hearing,” explains the doctor
“Simply ask her a question at a distance and if she doesn’t hear you, move slightly closer and ask again until she does”.
That night, the husband arrives home and sees his wife in the kitchen cooking he thinks to himself, “What a perfect opportunity to test her hearing”.
He stands in the doorway of the kitchen and promptly asks“What’s for dinner honey?
No answer
He moves closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still no answer
He moves even closer.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
Still his wife doesn’t answer
He now sees how serious her hearing problem is at this point, he is stood right next to his wife.
“What’s for dinner honey?”
“FOR THE FOURTH DANG TIME ALBERT, WE’RE HAVING CHICKEN!!!”
The Argentinean golfer Robert
The cuckoo clock
22.
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
23.
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: “Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk shorts. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.”
He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.
A week later he returns.
His wife asks: “Did you have a good trip, dear?”
He says: ” Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk shorts.”
His wife smiles and says, “Oh no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”
A young woman went to her doctor
A grade school teacher was asking students
24.
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena,
after looking to the man using the urinal to his right,
my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims,
“Daddy, that man’s wiener is a lot bigger than yours!”
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him, “Well son, that’s because daddy isn’t aroused by men.
One day a father and son
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding
My kid and I were in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena,
after looking to the man using the urinal to his right,
my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims,
“Daddy, that man’s wiener is a lot bigger than yours!”
The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me.
So I put my hand around my kid and told him, “Well son, that’s because daddy isn’t aroused by men.
One day a father and son
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding
25.
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
This married couple was sitting
This young couple invited their parson
A girl came skipping home from school one day.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” She yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!”
“Very good,” said her mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?”
“Yes, Honey, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
“Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
“Very good,” said her embarrassed mother.
“Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?”
“No, Honey, it’s because you’re 25.”
This married couple was sitting
This young couple invited their parson
26.
A married couple moves into to a new home.
After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”
“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”
“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband.
“Take care of these things yourself!”
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.
“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”
“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
She asked her mother to go out
A married couple moves into to a new home.
After a few days, as the husband returns home from work, his wife says to him, “Honey, one of the pipes in the bathroom is leaking, could you fix it?”
“What do I look like, a plumber?” asks the husband, and goes to sleep.
A few days later, the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Honey, my car doesn’t start. I think it may need a new battery. Could you change it for me?”
“What do I look like, a mechanic?” asks the husband with a frown.
A week goes by, and the wife once again turns to her husband and says, “Dear, the roof is leaking, could you do something about it?”
“What do I look like, a roofer?” asks the husband.
“Take care of these things yourself!”
He then leaves home for a week on a business trip. “When I come back,” he says to his wife, “I’d like all these things taken care of.”
He comes back a week later and is astonished to discover the roof is fixed, the car is running and the pipes are brand new.
“Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls at his wife.
“Nothing at all.” said the wife. “The neighbor popped in and turns out he’s a handyman. He said he’d fix the whole thing if I’d just bake him a cake or sleep with him.”
“Wow,” said the husband. “What kind of cake did you make him?”
“What do I look like,” exclaims the wife, “a baker?”
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
She asked her mother to go out
27.
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Twice a week, you say?”
“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”
A truck driver was driving
A woman was getting calls from strangers
A neighbor asked his friend, who was celebrating 50 years of marriage, what the secret was to a long and happy marriage?
His friend replied, “When we were first married, we vowed to go out twice a week no matter how little money we had and we have done so for 50 years.”
“Twice a week, you say?”
“Yeah. She goes out on Tuesday and I go out on Friday.”
A truck driver was driving
A woman was getting calls from strangers
28.
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
An old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs, and every morning the farmer would head out to feed them.
And every morning, he would see all the pigs make love up a storm.
He would get turned on by this and try to get back to the house in time to make love his wife but he always got soft before he got there.
So one day, he took his hatchet and headed out to the pigpen.
“No!” said his wife.
“Don’t kill those pigs!”
“I’m not going to kill them. I’m moving the pen closer to the house.”
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
A man owns a rabbit farm
29.
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by.
There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them.
The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench watching the time go by.
There is an old hound dog lying on the ground in front of them.
The old dog lifts it’s hind leg and begins to lick his privates as dogs always seem to do.
One of the old men says to the other, “Boy, I sure wish I could do that.”
After a short pause, the other old man says, “Well, go ahead, he looks like a friendly dog!”
Three contractors were submitting estimates
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
30.
Mr. john goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”
Mr. john is dumbstruck.
After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”
“Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.”
A man comes home
A Hunter walking through the jungle
Mr. john goes to the doctor for a check up.
After extensive tests the doctor tells him, “I’m afraid I have some bad news for you. You only have six months to live.”
Mr. john is dumbstruck.
After a while he replies, “That’s terrible doctor. But I must admit to you that I can’t afford to pay your bill.”
“Ok,” says the doctor, “I’ll give you a year to live.”
A man comes home
A Hunter walking through the jungle
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eng jokes