1.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
2.
A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.
After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.
As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,
“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”
His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,
“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”
The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,
“What, so short?”
A student came up to a pretty girl
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man eagerly waited at the train station to pick up his mother-in-law, who was visiting for the first time in a while.
After spotting her, he greeted her with a smile and helped load her heavy suitcases into the car.
As they drove in silence for a while, the man nervously asked,
“So, how long are you planning to stay with us?”
His mother-in-law, with a knowing smile, replied,
“I’m planning to stay as long as you want me to!”
The man thought for a moment, smiled back, and said,
“What, so short?”
A student came up to a pretty girl
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
3.
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.
He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
While teaching religion class
A group of friends went deer hunting
Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire.
A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
“Hey, lady,” yells Larry, “Throw me the cat.”
“No,” she cries, “It’s too far.”
“I play football, I can catch him.”
The smoke is pouring from the windows Finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him.
The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.
He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.
While teaching religion class
A group of friends went deer hunting
4.
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.
“I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!”
Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
Sam showed up in court together
A wife was sitting peacefully
“Mom, Dad, sit down. I have something very important to tell you,” said Samantha, upon her return home from college after graduation.
“I met a guy who lives near the college that I really like and we decided we are going to get married!”
“Oh Samantha! I am so happy for you!”
Gushed her Mom giving her a big hug, “I hope you two will be really happy together! I can’t wait to meet him!”
“Tell us more about him” said her Dad, “does he have any money?”
“Oh Dad! Is that all you men ever think about? That was the first question he asked me about you too!”
Sam showed up in court together
A wife was sitting peacefully
5.
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said,
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the top side of the grass!”
This bloke went into a nightclub
A man boards a flight
6.
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
A very elderly couple were having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leaned forward and said softly to his wife: “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife dropped her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed: “Yes. Yes he did.”
The old man was very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asked:
“Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again, the old woman dropped her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she said: “You.”
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A husband said to his wife
7.
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human it was physically impossible.
The little girl said: “When i get to heaven i wiII ask Jonah.”
The teacher asked: “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied: “Then you ask him.”
I need a tooth pulled
Three old ladies were sitting at dinner
8.
A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up.
He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can’t tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.
“Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer’s Disease, I don’t know which.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
“Drop her off at the edge of town,” says the doctor, “and if she finds her way back, don’t bang her!”
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have all been mixed up.
He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can’t tell which is which.
He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr.Smith answers the phone.
“Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has HIV or Alzheimer’s Disease, I don’t know which.”
“Well, what should I do?” asks a distraught Mr. Smith.
“Drop her off at the edge of town,” says the doctor, “and if she finds her way back, don’t bang her!”
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
9.
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
3 guys crash land on an island and get captured by cannibals
Once they they are brought to the chieftain he tells them what they have to do if they want to live.
“Go in the woods, gather 10 fruits of the same kind. You have as long as you want to do so.
Once you’re back there will be another task”
The guys then leave to get the fruit.
The first one comes back with 10 apples.
The chieftain then tells him: “Now you have to shove all of those apples in your a***s, without making any sound”.
The guy reluctantly starts putting apples in his b*m, but by the 3rd one is in great pains and starts crying.
The cannibals then take him and tie him to a tree.
The second one arrives with 10 blueberries.
He is also told to put the fruit.
He manages to put 9 and as he was about to put in the last he starts laughing and gets tied to a tree next to his friend.
The first guy asks him “Why did you fail? You only had to endure one more.”
The second guy replies”Well putting the fruit in wasn’t that bad, but i saw the other guy come back with 10 pineapples”
There was once a mysterious man
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
10.
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
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11.
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
12.
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
Eliza says to the other two, “You know girls, my husband bought me the most wonderful jewelry for our anniversary.
A lavish diamond necklace and some beautiful earrings.”
“How wonderful!” Josephine says.
Isabelle responds, “That’s nice, real nice.”
Josephine then says to the other two, “Well my husband spared no expense for our anniversary he took us on a beautiful trip to the Bahamas.”
“Amazing!” Responds Eliza.
“That’s nice, real nice.” Isabelle says.
Eliza and Josephine look to Isabelle.
“What did your husband get you for your anniversary?” asks Eliza.
“He bought me lessons in southern etiquette classes.” Isabelle says.
“Etiquette classes?” Eliza says.
“What did you learn there?” asks Josephine.
“Well,” says Isabelle, “I used to say, ‘I DON’T GIVE A RATS BUM.’ but now I say,
‘That’s nice, real nice.’”
Johnny and Billy are walking to the church
A old man gets on a crowded bus
13.
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice make love only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is c*ckeyed.”
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A man went fishing one day
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice make love only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is c*ckeyed.”
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A man went fishing one day
14.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
15.
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
16.
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck
The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe!
See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed,
I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”
The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”
The redneck replies: “Sure! I’ll give you as much time as you want to crack the safe!
If you do it, I’ll give you some of that tea stuff y’all seem to like!”
The Londoner, excited by this offer agrees, after a few seconds the Londoner already cracked the safe.
The redneck, comes out in anger and yells: “How the hell did you find the passcode so quickly?
Are you a bank robber?”
“No.” Replies the Londoner:
“I’m a historian, and I just guessed correctly that your passcode, is 1776.”
A guy is eating breakfast with his wife
I saw a man sitting alone in the park one day
17.
A man came home from the mine where he works, very sad and stressed.
The wife asks: Babe what’s wrong???
The man says: All the people I’m working with are dead.
Wife: What happened??
Man: The lift cables broke and the lift lost control and killed all of them.
Wife: How did you survive??
Man: Had a running stomach so I went to the toilet… when coming back, they were gone, and every family will receive $10 million each.
Wife: Daaaaamn!!! You mean i have lost $10 million because of Your ShiiiiT !?!?!?
Johnny was curious about her mother
Harry was stunned to come home
A man came home from the mine where he works, very sad and stressed.
The wife asks: Babe what’s wrong???
The man says: All the people I’m working with are dead.
Wife: What happened??
Man: The lift cables broke and the lift lost control and killed all of them.
Wife: How did you survive??
Man: Had a running stomach so I went to the toilet… when coming back, they were gone, and every family will receive $10 million each.
Wife: Daaaaamn!!! You mean i have lost $10 million because of Your ShiiiiT !?!?!?
Johnny was curious about her mother
Harry was stunned to come home
18.
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.
He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, “Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college gradjyate.”
So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,
“Mr College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.”
The young’n tells him, “Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time.
The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air.
While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground.
The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.”
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.
He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.
Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse throw open the door and asks,
“Ma, are you all right?”
As she pulls up her panties she says, “Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!”
Two guys are driving along in a car
A man was riding on a full bus
19.
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
20.
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog waiting for him.
The sheepdog says: “I herded the sheep into the barn, just like you asked!”
“You sure you got them all?” The farmer replies.
“Yep! All 40 of them!” Says the sheepdog.
“40? But I only have 37 sheep.” Replies the farmer.
The sheepdog answers: “I know. I rounded them up for you.”
A old hunter was on his way back
A dog and a cat were having an argument
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There Was Engineer Who Had Funny Jokes
Mark Twain Quotes 08
Quotes That Remind You To Live Fully
21.
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
A man went into a bar in a high rise
Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things.
“Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?” he asked his mother.
“He thinks a lot,” replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, “So why do you have so much hair?”
Two lawyers arrive at the pub
A man went into a bar in a high rise
22.
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
Three ladies walked into a bar. One brunette, one redhead, and one blonde.
They went to the tender and he said:” theres a magic mirror in the bathroom, if you tell the truth in front of it you will walk away with whatever you wish for.
If you lie however, you will disappear forever”
The three ladies one by one went to the mirror and gave their “truths”
Brunette: I think im smart! The brunette walked out with million dollars
Redhead: My dog is my bestie.
The redhead walked out with a ticket for a life time supply of dogfood.
A boy is visiting his girlfriend’s parents
There are several men sitting
23.
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother.
Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.
Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you.
Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.”
The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: “You have one more wish; what shall it be?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.”
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, “Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.”
With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful!, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair.
He held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered…
“I bet now you’re sorry you had me castrated.”
Bill Gates goes to purgatory
A hot air balloon
24.
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A husband and wife were sitting at the breakfast table and the man was reading the ads in the paper.
He looked up and said, “Here is a great sale on tires!”
His wife replied, “What do you want tires for? You don’t have a car.”
He says, “Do I complain when you go out and buy a new corset?”
This elderly couple is watching television
A woman is bouncing on her bed
25.
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
26.
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
27.
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
: “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?
” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!
” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”
A family goes to the zoo
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
A man sat in the confession booth in church and said
: “Forgive me, my Father, for I have sinned !” “What have you done my son ?
” The priest asked. “I had a Promiscuous dream !! I dreamt that I the touched the breast of Rihanna…”
Silence prevailed for a moment, followed by the noise of the priest leaving his seat..the man thought to himself “Oh God , he must felt great resentment after my confession !!
” Suddenly , the door opened on the Christian side and the priest exclaimed : “Give me your hand to kiss it”
A family goes to the zoo
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
28.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke.
“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
The cruise ship was sinking
She need better laundry detergent
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To his amazement, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, “Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!”
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke.
“Nice going Patrick! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
The cruise ship was sinking
She need better laundry detergent
29.
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar
A panel of doctors was asked for their opinions concerning a proposal to build a new wing to their hospital.
This was what they said: The Allergists could barely breathe for the shock.
The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves be made.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole thing was deluded.
The Radiologists could see right through it.
The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it being a bad idea;
The whole thing gave them a stomach ache.
The Neurologists thought the administration had a big brain idea.
The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted but rectifiable.
The Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body.” while hiding behind a patient.
The Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”, then held their breath until blue.
The Plastic Surgeons said this was a stretch.
The Podiatrists were afraid it was the wrong step.
The Urologists felt they were pissing away money.
The Anesthesiologists thought it was a pipe dream.
The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no… And the Surgeons weren’t even allowed to cut.
A newly married Liam
Three women were sitting in a bar
30.
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
Harry was working at a construction site when he came across a bottle.
He popped it open and out came a Genie.
“I gotta warn you,” said the Genie “I’m not that powerful but I’ll try my best.”
“Well” said Harry, “I’m trying desperately to start a new business and I have a very important meeting tonight with a potential investor…”
“I’ll tell you what,” said the Genie, “and this is the best I can do. I’ll give you a one time good luck charm. To start it say, 123. When you’re done, say 1234.”
And with that the Genie was gone in a puff of smoke.
Harry couldn’t believe his good luck.
As he nervously tied his tie in front of the mirror, he kept on repeating over in his head 123, 123, 123.
Harry nervously knocked on the rich man’s office.
“Come in,” said the man in a deep imposing voice.
OK, here goes thought Harry to himself as he sat down across from the man. Before he started he muttered to himself “123”, suddenly he knew everything would be OK.
He opened up his mouth to start speaking but before he could say anything the man behind the desk pleasantly asked, “What did you say 123, for?”
Brian was pulled over for speeding
Three old ladies are sitting
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eng jokes