1.
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing.
“But,” she told him, “it didn’t end all that great for me.”
“Why, what happened?” he asked.
“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.
Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off.
I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!
“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?
“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…
I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
How to catch an elephant
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing.
“But,” she told him, “it didn’t end all that great for me.”
“Why, what happened?” he asked.
“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.
Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off.
I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!
“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?
“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…
I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”
How to catch an elephant
Husband Scolds His Wife For Forgetting
2.
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
3.
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner.
After she cut off the end of the ham, she placed it in a pan for baking.
Her daughter asked her, “Why did you cut off the end of the ham?
And she replied, “I really don’t know but my mother always did, so I thought you were supposed to.”
Later when talking to her mother she asked her why she cut off the end of the ham before baking it, and her mother replied, “I really don’t know, but that’s the way my mom always did it.”
A few weeks later while visiting her grandmother, the young woman asked, “Grandma, why is it that you cut off the end of a ham before you bake it?”
Her grandmother replied, “Well, dear, that’s the only way it would fit into my baking pan.”
A 75 year old man was walking
A old lady finished her annual physical
4.
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
Two accountants were in a bank when a gang of armed robbers burst in.
While some of the robbers snatched bundles of cash from the tellers, others lined the customers up against the wall and relieved them of their wallets, watches and other valuables.
As the robbers moved down the line, one accountant pressed something into the hand of the other accountant.
“What’s this?” said the second accountant without looking down.
His colleague replied: “It’s that $100 I owe you.”
A call girl brings a client
A country guy in a bar
5.
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
One day an old lady and an old man were sitting on their porch when the old lady says “Hey pa, why don’t you run down to the restaurant and get us some ice cream.”
Pa said, “OK I will go right now.”
Ma told him that she had better write it down for him, because he always forgets.
He said no he would be fine, so off he went to the restaurant.
When he got back he handed her a hamburger and she said “Dang it pa, I knew you would forget, I told you to get mustard on mine!”
A man went to his doctor and told
Two men are drinking in a bar
6.
One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having lovemaking, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”
Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having lovemaking and says “What are you doing?”
To which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner now go to bed you little freak!”
About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing.”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?
“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”
A depressed man walks into a bar
A father is talking to his son about girls
One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having lovemaking, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”
Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having lovemaking and says “What are you doing?”
To which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner now go to bed you little freak!”
About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing.”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?
“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”
A depressed man walks into a bar
A father is talking to his son about girls
7.
Two women go out one night without their husbands.
They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home.
On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:
“Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?”
The other looks at her and replies “I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?”
“Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there.”
“Yes, but how are we going to wipe?”
“I’m just going to use my underwear and throw it out.”
Her friend however, was wearing her favorite and rather expensive knickers and didn’t want to ruin them.
So she elected to take a wreath off a nearby grave and use that.
And so they went home.
The next day the husband of one was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other.
“Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear.”
“Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her bum and on the ribbon it was written: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’”
Little Johnny went to his father
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
Two women go out one night without their husbands.
They go to a bar, have a chat along with a couple of drinks and then head back home.
On the way home one of them turns to the other and says:
“Sorry, but I need to go to a toilet. Can we stop for a minute?”
The other looks at her and replies “I also have to go there, but where can we go in the middle of the street?”
“Oh, look, there is a cemetery over there we can go there.”
“Yes, but how are we going to wipe?”
“I’m just going to use my underwear and throw it out.”
Her friend however, was wearing her favorite and rather expensive knickers and didn’t want to ruin them.
So she elected to take a wreath off a nearby grave and use that.
And so they went home.
The next day the husband of one was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was hungover and still in bed, so he phoned the other.
“Do you know where our wives went last night? Because mine came back home with no underwear.”
“Well you are luckier than me, my wife came home with a ribbon in her bum and on the ribbon it was written: ‘From all of us at the Fire Station. We’ll never forget you.’”
Little Johnny went to his father
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
8.
He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.”
Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. ”
John: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?”
Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”
He puts John to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when John wakes up.
“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” John asks.
“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… ” “CIRCUMCISED!” yells John.
“THAT’S the word!!! “
A guy was in an elevator one day
A old lady went to visit her dentist
He says, “Doc, I want to be castrated.”
Doc says, “Look, I don’t know what kind of cult you’re into or what your motives are, but I’m not going to do that sort of operation. ”
John: “Doc, I just want to be castrated, and I’m a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?”
Doc says, “Well, OK, I guess I could make this one exception. I don’t understand it, but OK.”
He puts John to sleep, does the trick, and is waiting at the bedside when John wakes up.
“Well, Doc, how’d it go? ” John asks.
“It went fine, just fine. It’s really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task, and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it’s really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don’t mind my… ” “CIRCUMCISED!” yells John.
“THAT’S the word!!! “
A guy was in an elevator one day
A old lady went to visit her dentist
9.
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each.”
So the eager senior manager shouted:,
“I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.”
“Pfufffff” and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted:,
“I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”
“Pfufffff” and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said:,
“I want these two idiots back here right now.”
“Pfuffff” …….
Moral :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST
A man decides to take the opportunity
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each.”
So the eager senior manager shouted:,
“I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.”
“Pfufffff” and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted:,
“I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.”
“Pfufffff” and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said:,
“I want these two idiots back here right now.”
“Pfuffff” …….
Moral :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST
A man decides to take the opportunity
One afternoon a Lawyer was driving home
10.
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili
An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili
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11.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was front-fed or bottle-fed.
“front-fed,” she replied.
“Well! We’ll have to check you out. Alright then, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She undressed and the doctor began his exam.
He pinched her melons, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a detailed examination.
He frowned, then continued squeezing and pressing for a few more minutes.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight you don’t have any milk!”
“I know,” she said. “I’m his Grandma, but I’m certainly glad I came.”
One day her husband comes home early
A old man and woman were married for years
12.
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this.
“So you’re telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says.
“I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry.
“Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.”
The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully.
“I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup.
Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.”
However, we found none of these things in your car?!
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
The astonished woman
A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over.
The cop says to the man, “Are you aware of how fast you were going?”
The man replies, “Yes, I’m trying to escape a robbery I got involved in.”
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, “Were you the one being robbed?”
The man casually replies, “No, I committed the robbery.”
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this.
“So you’re telling me you were speeding… AND committed a robbery?”
“Yes,” the man calmly says.
“I have the loot in the back.”
The cop begins to get angry.
“Sir, I’m afraid you have to come with me.”
The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man.
“Don’t do that!” the man yells fearfully.
“I’m scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!”
The cop pulls his hand out.
“Wait here,” he says.
The cop calls for backup.
Soon cop cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.
The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car.
However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, “Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment.”
However, we found none of these things in your car?!
The man replies, “Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!”
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
The astonished woman
13.
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A school teacher asked her students
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A school teacher asked her students
14.
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A little old man told his wife, “I have to go to my doctor’s appointment now. I’ll see you later.”
After he left, his wife sat down on the couch and watched television.
A news report came on that someone was driving down the interstate highway in the wrong direction.
Knowing that was the route he would be on, she called to warn him,
“Honey, there’s a car going in the wrong direction!”
The husband replied, “They’re all going in the wrong direction!”
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
15.
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
“You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.
“No, no, no!” insisted the man.
“I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”
A Father is asked by his friend
The teacher asks a question
16.
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.
A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports corset and a tiny pair of shorts.
One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man.”
The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn.”
A female teacher was having a problem
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
Two old men are sat on a bench at the park.
A young, smoking hot girl runs past in a sports corset and a tiny pair of shorts.
One of the men smiles and this brings the girl over.
“Why are you staring at me and grinning, you pervert?” she says.
The old man sweetly replies “My dear I’m not smiling at you, I’m smiling at the thought that no matter how bad the world gets,
there will always be young, pretty girls in the summer to cheer up a lonely old man.”
The girl replies “awwwww you sweet old man” leans in and gives him a kiss on the cheek and jogs on.
The old man turns to his friend and says “3 to zip mugley, your turn.”
A female teacher was having a problem
A Blonde bought a brand new Car
17.
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
A husband and wife went to see a marriage Councillor,
After he had listened to a twenty minute tirade about how bad a husband he was, the Councillor stood up, went round to his wife and embraced her and gave her a hug.
Then turned to husband and said..
“this is what your wife needs three times a week, can you manage that?”
Husband said..” Well I can drop her off Mondays and Wednesday but I play golf on Fridays!
A husband and wife were dining at restaurant
A new soldier was on sentry duty
18.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man was driving along the highway
A blind man goes to a restaurant
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man was driving along the highway
A blind man goes to a restaurant
19.
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
The alcoholic came to the yoga school.
Hi, I am an alcoholic.
I’ve read in the magazine that yoga helps alcoholics to change their lives. I think I am ready. Can you please give me a few lessons.
Of course, welcome to the family!
So how are you? Have your drinking habits changed?
Yes, that’s really a game changer! All my family and friends are impressed! Now I can drink shots standing on my head in the bar!
A deaf man enters a pharmacy
A young man came to an old man
20.
An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.
The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said.
They go to found out what his future holds.
The fortune-teller says,
“Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says, “NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!”
The old man is very excited and tells her to continue.
The fortune-teller says,
“In two weeks, you will double your winnings with a smart investment.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“IN TWO WEEKS! YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCKS!”
The old man is even more excited and tells her to continue.
“By this time next month, your wife will be more content than she has ever been.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“NEXT MONTH! YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
Arriving home from work
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
An old man and an old woman, married for fifty years, go to see a fortune teller.
The old man is hard-of-hearing and the old Woman always tells Him what is said.
They go to found out what his future holds.
The fortune-teller says,
“Next week, you will win the state lottery jackpot.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says, “NEXT WEEK! YOU WIN THE LOTTERY!”
The old man is very excited and tells her to continue.
The fortune-teller says,
“In two weeks, you will double your winnings with a smart investment.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“IN TWO WEEKS! YOU DOUBLE YOUR MONEY IN THE STOCKS!”
The old man is even more excited and tells her to continue.
“By this time next month, your wife will be more content than she has ever been.”
The old man says, “What did she say?”
The old woman says,
“NEXT MONTH! YOU’LL BE DEAD!”
Arriving home from work
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
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21.
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy
22.
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
A story tells that two friends were walking through the desert.
During some point of the journey they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.
The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, wrote in the sand,
“Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”
They kept on walking until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath.
The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but the friend saved him.
After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone,
“Today my best friend saved my life.”
The friend who had slapped and saved his best friend asked him,
“After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand and now, you write on a stone, why?”
The other friend replied,
“When someone hurts us we should write it down in sand where winds of forgiveness can erase it away.
But, when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it.”
Moral of the story, Don’t value the things you have in your life but value who you have in your life.
The pilot complains about the airman
A busload of politicians
23.
A little girl received a tea set that quickly became one of her favorite toys.
While her mother was away for a few weeks caring for a sick aunt, the toddler would lovingly bring her dad “cups of tea” really just water while he was absorbed in watching the news on TV.
Each time she handed him a “cup of tea,” he would take a sip and praise her enthusiastically, making her feel incredibly proud.
When the mother finally returned, the dad couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been taking care of him.
Right on cue, the girl brought him another “cup of tea,” which he sipped before showering her with praise again.
Watching this, the mother asked, “Has it ever crossed your mind that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A waiter takes an order from a customer
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
A little girl received a tea set that quickly became one of her favorite toys.
While her mother was away for a few weeks caring for a sick aunt, the toddler would lovingly bring her dad “cups of tea” really just water while he was absorbed in watching the news on TV.
Each time she handed him a “cup of tea,” he would take a sip and praise her enthusiastically, making her feel incredibly proud.
When the mother finally returned, the dad couldn’t wait to show her how his little princess had been taking care of him.
Right on cue, the girl brought him another “cup of tea,” which he sipped before showering her with praise again.
Watching this, the mother asked, “Has it ever crossed your mind that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?”
A waiter takes an order from a customer
A old lady dies and goes to Heaven
24.
A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up
I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri
“All right,” says the caseworker
“I’m seeing a pattern here
Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop
It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
“I call them by their surnames!”
A climber fell off a cliff
It was no ordinary watch
A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up
I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri
“All right,” says the caseworker
“I’m seeing a pattern here
Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop
It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
“I call them by their surnames!”
A climber fell off a cliff
It was no ordinary watch
25.
A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?”
“I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Roger”
“You don’t have an Uncle Roger”
“Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do.
Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway”.
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.
“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room.
Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!
And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard.
I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s dead!”
The man pauses for a minute and says “Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer
A 90 year old woman just got married
A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.
“Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?”
“I can’t, she’s upstairs with Uncle Roger”
“You don’t have an Uncle Roger”
“Yes I do. He’s upstairs with mommy in the bedroom.”
Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, “Okay honey, this is what I want you to do.
Go upstairs and knock on the bedroom door. Tell mommy that my car just pulled into the driveway”.
3 minutes pass and the little girl gets on the phone again.
“Daddy, I did what you said and mommy and uncle Roger started yelling and running around the room.
Uncle Roger jumped out of the bedroom window into the front yard and I think he broke his leg!
And mommy jumped out of the other window into the backyard.
I think she was going for the swimming pool but she forgot you drained the swimming pool last weekend to clean it, and I think she’s dead!”
The man pauses for a minute and says “Swimming pool? Is this 555-0124?”
A man in a pub asks for a beer
A 90 year old woman just got married
26.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
27.
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her:
After following along for a while, turns to her and asks.
“Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”
“NO!” Says the little girl as she keeps on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks.
“Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”
“NO!” Says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says.
“Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks and a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out.
“Look, Dad, you’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley – YOU RIDE IT.”
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer
Two ladies are walking their dogs
28.
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old.
“When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?”
asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
“You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A guy phones up his Boss
Bob was fixing a door
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man.
“You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old.
“When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more.
You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing’ comes out!”
“Actually,” said the 80-year -old,
“Eighty is the worst age of all.”
“Do you have trouble peeing, too?”
asked the 60-year old.
“No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.”
“So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?”
“No, I have one every morning at 6:30.”
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said,
“You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what’s so bad about being 80?”
“I don’t wake up until 7:00.”
A guy phones up his Boss
Bob was fixing a door
29.
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay!” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.
Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.
He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”
She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”
“Why?” he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said, “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”
“Let me see” he said.
“Okay!” and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken.”
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter.
He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.
She said Oh, my God, it’s too late for you!
You’ve already got the neck and the gizzards!!
Two little old ladies Connie and Jean
A 50 year old lady started learning how to swim
30.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat.
Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy if it disturbs you, I’ll move.”
“It doesn’t bother me just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is projectile vomits.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering and once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you he keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Who Is Doing All The Work
A leper goes to watch a baseball game but when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat.
Because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, he’s very concerned about grossing out the other fans.
The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won’t disturb anyone finally, he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.
The man answers, “Yeah just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
The leper sits down and adds, “As you can see, I have leprosy if it disturbs you, I’ll move.”
“It doesn’t bother me just shut up, and watch the game.”
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“It’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is projectile vomits.
A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man’s mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, “Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but it’s obvious that my appearance has caused you to get sick, I’ll find another place to sit.”
“Really, it’s NOT you just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.”
So the leper sits back down but during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again this time it is the dry heaves.
The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering and once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, “Really, it’s NOT you.”
So the leper asks, “Well if it’s not me that is making you so sick, than what is it?”
“It’s that guy behind you he keeps dipping his nachos in your back!”
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Who Is Doing All The Work
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eng jokes