1.
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea
“Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew
“Got any more dogs?”
A Greedy Cup
Amer tells a story
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle.
For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc.
After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea
“Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew
“Got any more dogs?”
A Greedy Cup
Amer tells a story
2.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
3.
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.
The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,”Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit.”
“I’m real sorry about that neighbor, I’ll try to keep him penned up.”
“Next time,as God as my witness, I’ll shoot that dog of yours,”and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it’s mouth.
The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,
blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit,
and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work
.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don’t look like the guilty culprit.
As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face.”Something wrong neighbor?”
“Yeah.My rabbit died” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
“Yeah,but what I don’t understand is some sick basterd dug him up,
fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
The police stops a man and woman
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.
The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,”Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit.”
“I’m real sorry about that neighbor, I’ll try to keep him penned up.”
“Next time,as God as my witness, I’ll shoot that dog of yours,”and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it’s mouth.
The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,
blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit,
and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work
.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don’t look like the guilty culprit.
As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face.”Something wrong neighbor?”
“Yeah.My rabbit died” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
“Yeah,but what I don’t understand is some sick basterd dug him up,
fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
The police stops a man and woman
4.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
A attorney telephoned the governor
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
A attorney telephoned the governor
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
5.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, ‘Harry, what’s your problem?’
Harry answered, ‘I’m too smart for the 1st grade.
My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!’
Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: ‘What is 3 x 3?’
Harry: ‘9.’
Principal: ‘What is 6 x 6?’
Harry: ’36.’
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, ‘I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade’
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, ‘Let me ask him some questions..’
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, ‘What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?’
Harry, after a moment: ‘Legs..’
Ms Brooks: ‘What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?’
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: ‘Pockets.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a dog do that a man steps into?’
Harry: ‘Pants.’
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?’
The principal’ s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied,’Bubble gum.’
Ms. Brooks: ‘What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?’
Harry: ‘Shake hands.’
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: ‘What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?’
Harry: ‘Firetruck.’
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, ‘Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man is in a hotel lobby
A man escapes a prison
6.
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
7.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded; “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house”
The woman agreed. A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passenger seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife. Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home?
What would you do if you are the wife?
Martin and his wife Debbie walk into a dentist
A old man goes to a restaurant and orders
8.
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair then sliding a little more until he was almost under the table.
The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:
“Pardon me, ma’am. But I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The wife has just taken a shower
A husband and wife were walking down
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair then sliding a little more until he was almost under the table.
The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn’t seem to notice!
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table.
Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman:
“Pardon me, ma’am. But I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The wife has just taken a shower
A husband and wife were walking down
9.
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate.
The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye.
Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
After Brian proposed to Jill
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
A young sailor was sitting in a bar having a few drinks when he looks over and sees a pirate.
The pirate has a wooden peg-leg, a hook for a hand, and patch over his eye.
Unable to resist, the sailor asks “How’d you end up with a peg-leg?”
“I was swept overboard during a fierce storm,” says the pirate. “and a bloody shark bit off me whole darn leg!”
“Holy cow!” said the sailor. “What about the hook, how’d you get that?”
“Me crew and I were boarding an enemy ship, a fierce sword battle ensued. One of them cut me darn arm!”
“Absolutely incredible!” gasped the sailor. “And the eye patch, tell me how you got that?”
“A bloody seagull dropping fell into me eye,” replied the pirate.
“Umm, you lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” asked the sailor, admonished.
Embarassed, the pirate answered “It was me first day with the hook.”
After Brian proposed to Jill
A little guy sitting at a bar drinking a beer
10.
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,
God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.
The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing,
but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me.
May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?”
Saint Peter said, “Your wish is granted!”
*POOF* She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said,
“I’d like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?”
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity,
God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish.
The first nun said with a blush, “This is slightly embarrassing,
but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me.
May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?”
Saint Peter said, “Your wish is granted!”
*POOF* She disappeared and returned to Earth to fulfill her fantasy.
The second nun agreed and said,
“I’d like the same, but may I return with the face and body of Jessica Alba?”
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
The smart kid has the perfect answer for his boss
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11.
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.”
“Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
A man came to visit his grandparents
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
“Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV,
but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.”
“Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV,
but I’m sleeping with a 50-year-old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde,
and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,
sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.”
Aren’t older women great?
They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.
A man came to visit his grandparents
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
12.
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
“You’re going to jail for all that marijuana in your pocket!” the policeman stated.
“But officer, this weed isn’t mine It keeps appearing in my pocket every time I flush it down the toilet.”
The man replied,
“Oh, really? This I gotta see If you can prove it, you’re free to go!” the policeman challenged.
The man takes all the marijuana out of his pocket and puts it in the toilet.
He then pulls the handle and watches it go down the drain.
Several minutes go by and nothing happens.
“Well, why hasn’t the weed appeared back in your pocket?” the policeman asked.
“What weed?”
A lawyer trying to get tickets
A man and waiter
13.
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money.
The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”
She Old Lady: “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”
He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”
She: “$180,000 Please.” Started dumping the whole amount on his table.
The bank president was a bit surprised.
“How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”
She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”
He: “What kind of bets?”
She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”
He: “Yes. Go ahead.”
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behaviour.
Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
A married man affair with his secretary
George goes to the doctor
An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.
She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money.
The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside the office.
She came back and said, “You are lucky this morning, He will see you!”
Bank president: “How can I help you madam?”
She Old Lady: “I would like to open a new account and deposit this money.”
He: “How much money do you like to deposit?”
She: “$180,000 Please.” Started dumping the whole amount on his table.
The bank president was a bit surprised.
“How did you get this much cash Madam? We are not a laundering facility!”
She: “Oh, it’s nothing illegal. I make bets.”
He: “What kind of bets?”
She: “For example, I bet you that your right hand will taste like eggs, just your right hand and not your left. Lets meet again by tomorrow 9:00 AM. If I’m right, you will owe me $25,000. If I lose, I’ll pay you $10,000!”
The man is shocked. How is that even possible? But he’s a banker at heart and this is easy money, so he accepts the bet almost immediately.
She: “Okay then, I’ll come around 9:00 AM tomorrow with my lawyer. Don’t try to dodge the bet! No regrets!”
Feeling hesitant before her certainty, he mumbles his agreement.
It was so bizarre, he didn’t even like eggs! But he was so tense about it, he couldn’t sleep all night, licking his hands and smelling them to make sure they smell normal.
The next day at 9:00 AM the old lady was there, right on time, with her witness.
She: “Can I check your hands now Sir?”
He: “Yes. Go ahead.”
She held his hands and started sniffing his right hand. Then she licked it briefly to confirm.
Her lawyer started banging his head against the wall.
The president, delighted with his $10,000 win and kicking himself for worrying, asked the lady what was wrong with lawyer’s strange behaviour.
Lawyer: “She had a bet with me for $100,000. I can’t believe I lost. She said she will be licking the hands of the president of the Bank of America at 9:00 AM today!”
A married man affair with his secretary
George goes to the doctor
14.
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
15.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
His boss asked what happened
A blonde goes to the post office
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
His boss asked what happened
A blonde goes to the post office
16.
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
17.
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
18.
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
A frail old man went to live
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’
‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk.
‘I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.’
Puff! She’s gone.
‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep.
‘I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.’
Puff! He’s gone.
‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
A frail old man went to live
19.
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
20.
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
A man went to his lawyer and told
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
“How’d you die?” the first man asks the second.
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?” says the first.
“It’s very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.
How did you die?” says the second. “I had a heart attack”, says the first guy.
“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, bot no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”
The second man shakes his head. “that’s so ironic” he says.
“What do you mean?” asks the first man “If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
A man went to his lawyer and told
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21.
Three guys were at deer camp, they had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was Garry’s turn in the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof, I couldn’t sleep a wink, I just watched him all night.”
The third night was Herb’s turn.
Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
“Good morning,” he said.
The guys couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long.”
A man’s favorite donkey
A elderly carpenter
Three guys were at deer camp, they had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was Garry’s turn in the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof, I couldn’t sleep a wink, I just watched him all night.”
The third night was Herb’s turn.
Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
“Good morning,” he said.
The guys couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long.”
A man’s favorite donkey
A elderly carpenter
22.
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
Once there were three men, Charlie, Mason and Buck, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.
As they stood at the gates of Heaven, St. Peter came up to them and said, “You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around Heaven.
You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly.”
St. Peter looked at Charlie and said, “You, Charlie, were a bad man.
You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat-up Dodge.”
Next, St. Peter looked at Mason and said, “You were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times.
For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon.”
St. Peter finally looked at Buck, and said, “You, Buck, have set a fine example.
You did not have making love until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife!
For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari.”
A short time later, Mason and Buck pulled up in their cars next to Buck’s Ferrari, and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.
“What’s wrong, Buck?” they asked. “You got a Ferrari! You’re set forever!
Why so down?”
Buck looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, I just saw my wife go by on a skateboard.
A famous scientist was on his way
The teacher was teaching the kids
23.
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, “And what will your third wish be?”
The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”
“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish.
Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.”
“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.”
“Funny,” said the genie, “That was your first wish, too.”
A Midwest farmer was describing
A third grade teacher asked her students
A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie appeared in a puff of smoke and said, “And what will your third wish be?”
The man looked at the genie and said, “Huh? How can I be getting a third wish, when I haven’t had a first or second wish yet?”
“You have had two wishes already,” the genie said, “but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish.
Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You have one wish left.”
“Okay,” said the man, “I don’t believe this, but what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women.”
“Funny,” said the genie, “That was your first wish, too.”
A Midwest farmer was describing
A third grade teacher asked her students
24.
A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says.
“I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
A man walks into a bar already drunk
The math teacher was giving a lesson
A man goes into a coffee shop and says, “I would like one of your special breakfasts.”
“No problem,” comes the reply from behind the counter.
“But I want it my way,” says the man.
“What do you mean ‘your way’?” asks the waiter.
The man says, “Well, I want the eggs only half done,” he says.
“I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease pours out of it.”
“I don’t have the time to do all that!” replies the waiter.
“Well it seemed you had the time yesterday!” answers the guest.
A man walks into a bar already drunk
The math teacher was giving a lesson
25.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the wh*le body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the bastard spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the bastard being the Boss.
So the bastard went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the bastard should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
A beggar was given a piece of bread
She walked to the station to borrow
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the wh*le body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the bastard spoke up.
All the parts laughed at the idea of the bastard being the Boss.
So the bastard went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the bastard should be the boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!
A beggar was given a piece of bread
She walked to the station to borrow
26.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
27.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
28.
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
29.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
30.
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says, “Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!”
And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it’s impact on the world, he says, “Yeah… I left my extra line on land”.
The atheist hops out of the boat and, “SPLASH!“, he sinks right through to the bottom of the lake.
After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says,
“Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were.”
At the station
A 6 year-old boy was in the market
The priest says, “Oh heavens, I forgot my lures back on land” and steps out of the boat, walks across the water back to the land, and grabs his lures before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was astounded, but before he could make sense of the situation, the rabbi says, “Oh Yahweh help me, I forgot my bait!”
And he also steps out of the boat, and walks across the water back to the land to grab his bait, before walking back to the boat.
The atheist was stunned, but refusing to believe in divinity of any sort or it’s impact on the world, he says, “Yeah… I left my extra line on land”.
The atheist hops out of the boat and, “SPLASH!“, he sinks right through to the bottom of the lake.
After a moment the priest looks at the rabbi and says,
“Come to think of it, we probably should have told him where the rocks were.”
At the station
A 6 year-old boy was in the market
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