1.
A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her bum.
The doctor said, “okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there.”
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her bum instead of cheese.
The doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese.”
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!”
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
A man called his doctor, and said “doc”, you gotta come over here quick, you see when my wife got out of the shower, and bent over to pick up her towel a mouse ran straight up her bum.
The doctor said, “okay just hold a piece of cheese just outside of her ass until I get over there.”
The doctor drove up, got out of his car, and went inside to see the man holding a big fish up to her bum instead of cheese.
The doctor said, “what are you doing, I said a piece of cheese.”
The man said, “I did what you said, and it almost worked, but when the mouse started to come out, the cat chased it right back up there!”
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
Johnny was enjoying a cigarette
2.
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
3.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.
“What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be £6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be £12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer
“Excuse me, sir
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress
“Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”
A school teacher
A man is in a bar
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich.
“What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich
A short time later the waitress returns with the order.
“That will be £6.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “I’ll have a hamburger, fries and a coke,” and the ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
“The usual?” asks the waitress
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad,” says the man
“Same for me,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, “That will be £12.62.” Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer
“Excuse me, sir
How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”
“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp
When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress
“Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”
“That’s right! Whether it’s a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”
The man sighs and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!”
A school teacher
A man is in a bar
4.
One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave.
At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion’s body.
Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep.
He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare you tease me? I will kill you.”
The mouse begged for its life.
It said, ‘’You Majesty, I am a tiny creature If you kill a poor creature like me, it will do you no honor save my life for this time.”
Out of pity the lion let the mouse go.
The Lion and the Mouse Some days after, the lion was caught in a hunter’s net.
Lion tried hard but could not get out he began to roar.
The mouse heard the roar of the lion.
It at once came to the net and said, “Your Majesty, please be quite I will gnaw at the ropes of the net with my little sharp teeth you will be released.”
The mouse cut the net into pieces with its teeth and set the lion free.
The lion said, “Dear little friend, thank you very much you have saved my life.”
Moral of the story: Being kind to someone is never a waste.
Amer tells a story
A teacher shows three toys to a student
One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave.
At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion’s body.
Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep.
He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare you tease me? I will kill you.”
The mouse begged for its life.
It said, ‘’You Majesty, I am a tiny creature If you kill a poor creature like me, it will do you no honor save my life for this time.”
Out of pity the lion let the mouse go.
The Lion and the Mouse Some days after, the lion was caught in a hunter’s net.
Lion tried hard but could not get out he began to roar.
The mouse heard the roar of the lion.
It at once came to the net and said, “Your Majesty, please be quite I will gnaw at the ropes of the net with my little sharp teeth you will be released.”
The mouse cut the net into pieces with its teeth and set the lion free.
The lion said, “Dear little friend, thank you very much you have saved my life.”
Moral of the story: Being kind to someone is never a waste.
Amer tells a story
A teacher shows three toys to a student
5.
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket and starts throwing the frozen veggies on the floor, so the Manager asks if he can help.
“I’m looking for Broccoli,” informed that they are out of stock she leaves.
Within an hour she’s back throwing the frozen veggies onto the floor,
The irate Manager asks again If he can help, “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
Once again he informs her they are out of stock.
15 min before closing, she comes stalking straight to the Frozen veggies, as she is about to start throwing them out,
The very irritated Manager asks can I help “I’m looking for Broccoli.”
The Manager asks Madam can you spell Dog in Dog more,
She says yes “DOG.”
“Very good, can you spell Cat in Cats delight.”
She says “CAT.”
“Very good, now can you spell bang in Broccoli.”
She says “there’s no bang in Broccoli.”
Madam, I’ve been trying to tell you that all day!!!
A few women were sitting around the table
A lady went into the pharmacy
6.
Mr Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
“Once upon a time there was a white bunny…”
“Jeez..dad it’s boring,what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok”
Mr Brown said,
“Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and….”
“Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked Mr Brown.
” I swear!”
“Ok”,
“Once upon a time there was a undressed bunny…”
A father was reading a magazine
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
Mr Brown was telling his son a bed-time story.
“Once upon a time there was a white bunny…”
“Jeez..dad it’s boring,what about science fiction?”
“Ok, Ok”
Mr Brown said,
“Once upon a time there was a Bunny who got onto a spacecraft and….”
“Dad, a little more grown up!”
“Do you promise me not to tell your mom?” asked Mr Brown.
” I swear!”
“Ok”,
“Once upon a time there was a undressed bunny…”
A father was reading a magazine
The Elderly Couple Gets Stranded On Island
7.
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.
The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.
The bartender’s wife answers and he who is very amazed says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you OK bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is OK.
When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bum.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
A young blonde lady went on a tour
A man goes to take out a loan
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
Just as the bartender is about to ask the customer for his order he hears a phone ring.
The customer puts his hand up to his ear and says, “Hello? No honey, I’ll be home in 20 minutes, love
you, bye.”
The bartender says, “What the heck is that?”
The customer replies “It’s my hand phone..give me your home number so you can try it.”
With that, the bartender gives him his home number and the customer punches the numbers in on his hand and puts his hand up to the bartender’s ear.
The bartender’s wife answers and he who is very amazed says, “I…honey… just thought I’d call you and tell you I love you OK bye.”
The bartender says, “That’s amazing! How do you get one?”
“I’ll tell you when I get back from the restroom.”
30 minutes later there is no sign of the customer and the bartender is getting concerned so he walks to the restroom to make sure the guy is OK.
When he enters he finds the guy with his pants around his ankles, bent over with his palms on the wall and a long piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bum.
“What the hell are you doing?” asks the incredulous bartender.
“Give me a second,” the man replies as he grunts and groans, “I’m getting a fax.”
A young blonde lady went on a tour
A man goes to take out a loan
8.
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
She tells the doctor that her daughter has been having terrible nausea in the morning,
lost her appetite, and even missed a period.
The doctor examines her, orders a bloodwork, and tells them to come back later in the evening.
The mom and girl come back. The doctor announces that the girl is pregnant.
The visibly irked mother tells the doctor in a very indignant tone:
“But that is not possible at all.
I have ensured that she doesn’t have any boyfriends, she goes to an all girls Catholic school, and dresses like a nun.
She is absolutely a virgin.
You probably haven’t examined her well! You are wrong!!”
The girl doesn’t speak a word and stays fidgeting while looking at her toes.
The doctor stands up and walks to the window.
As he peeps out, the mother says,
“Well..aren’t you going to say something? Order more tests? Refer us to a different doctor?
What are you looking for through that window anyway?”
The doctor turns.
“Ma’am. The last time this happened a star appeared in the east
A college professor
A couple decide to take their young daughter
9.
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”
Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge.
The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land
No questions asked or answered given have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull with every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent.
The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,…
“Your badge!…”
“Show him your badge!”
Father was a hardworking man
A rather old fashioned lady
“I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”
The old rancher says, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The agent verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.”
Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge.
The officer proudly displays it to the farmer.
“See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land
No questions asked or answered given have I made myself clear? Do you understand?”
The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.
Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull with every step the bull is gaining ground on the agent.
The agent is clearly terrified.
The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs,…
“Your badge!…”
“Show him your badge!”
Father was a hardworking man
A rather old fashioned lady
10.
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
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11.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush.
They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely undressed.
They call the police and as they wait, they decide to cover the woman up.
The Cubs fan takes of his hat and covers her left fronts.
The Royals fan takes off his hat and covers her right fronts.
The Yankees fan takes off his hat and covers her crotch.
The police arrive.
The detective walks around the scene and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Cubs hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He lifts the Royals hat, looks underneath, sets it back down and writes in his little book.
He the lifts the Yankees hat, looks underneath, starts to set it back down, stops, does a double-take, sets the hat back down slowly and starts to write in the little book.
The Yankees fan is upset by this. He asks, “What was that? Haven’t you seen one of those before?”
The detective replies, “You misunderstand. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat,
The pilot announced
He knocked on the door of one house
12.
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
Nasreddin Hodja had a buffalo whose horns were set wide apart.
Hodja often felt an urge to sit on the animal’s head between the horns, but never dared try it.
One day the animal came and sat down very near him.
Hodja threw caution to the winds and seizing the horns swung himself into the space between them.
“Now I feel like a king on his throne!” he said exultantly to his wife
The buffalo, startled by the sudden invasion of its privacy, got indignantly to its feet and jerked its head violently forward.
Hodja went sailing into the air and fell head foremost into a ditch.
“It doesn’t matter,” he said to his wife who came running to help him.
“It’s not the first time a king has lost his throne.”
Thomas is 32 years old
A blonde and a lawyer
13.
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
Dave Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in London.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
“My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses.”
“My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the East end.”
“My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City.”
“Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the Thames.”
The nurse and witnesses are blown away they did not realize the extent of his holdings.
As Dave slips away, the nurse says to his wife, “Mrs. Smith, my deepest condolences your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property.”
“Property?” she replies no he had a window cleaning round.
I joined an online dating site and met a girl
A mathematician and plumber
14.
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner.
When the time came to leave, his car wouldn’t start, and it was too late to call the local service station.
The husband urged Charlie to stay over.
There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn’t even a sofa.
So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.
No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.
“I couldn’t do that,” he whispered. “Your husband is my best friend!”
“Listen, sugar,” she whispered back, “there ain’t nothing in the whole wide world could wake home up now.”
“I can’t believe that,” Charlie said. ”
Certainly if I get on top of you and bang you, he’ll wake up won’t he?
“Sugar, he certainly won’t.
If you don’t believe me, pluck a hair out of his bastard and see if that wakes him.”
Charlie did just that.
He was amazed when the husband remained asleep.
So he climbed over to the wife’s side of the bed and bang her.
When he finished, he climbed back to his own side.
It wasn’t long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again.
Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep.
This went on eight times during the night.
Each time Charlie scr*wed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband’s bastard hairs.
The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: “Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don’t mind you mating my wife, but for Pete’s sake, stop using my bum for a scoreboard!”
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A girl walks in class
15.
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly,…
made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,…
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph.
I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
“The weather out there is terrible.”
She sleepily replied,
“Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit.”
The Maid asked for a pay raise
A priest and a taxi driver both died
16.
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift
And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll.
He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.
“Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5.”
The dad doesn’t want to be cheap for his daughter’s birthday, so he moves to the next one.
“We have the Princess Barbie, which is $15.”
“What is included?”
“Well the Princess Barbie comes with the barbie, a hairbrush, and a dress.”
The dad doesn’t think that is worth $15, so he moves on to the next one.
“We have the Cinderella Barbie, which is $20.”
“What is included?”
“The Cinderella Barbie has everything the Princess Barbie has, plus the Prince Barbie and glass slippers.”
The dad is very interested by this one, but wants to hear the last offer.
“Well the last one is the Divorced Cinderella Barbie, which is $200.”
The dad is taken aback by this.
“Why in the world is it $200?”
“Well sir, the Divorced Cinderella Barbie comes with the Prince’s palace, the Prince’s chariot, the Prince’s gold…”
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
There’s this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift
And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll.
He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.
“Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5.”
The dad doesn’t want to be cheap for his daughter’s birthday, so he moves to the next one.
“We have the Princess Barbie, which is $15.”
“What is included?”
“Well the Princess Barbie comes with the barbie, a hairbrush, and a dress.”
The dad doesn’t think that is worth $15, so he moves on to the next one.
“We have the Cinderella Barbie, which is $20.”
“What is included?”
“The Cinderella Barbie has everything the Princess Barbie has, plus the Prince Barbie and glass slippers.”
The dad is very interested by this one, but wants to hear the last offer.
“Well the last one is the Divorced Cinderella Barbie, which is $200.”
The dad is taken aback by this.
“Why in the world is it $200?”
“Well sir, the Divorced Cinderella Barbie comes with the Prince’s palace, the Prince’s chariot, the Prince’s gold…”
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
17.
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
Grandpa was telling his grandson
Johnny was told by his friends
A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
“God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa.”
The father asked, ‘Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?’
The little girl said, “I don’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.”
The next day Grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
“God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma..”
The next day the grandmother died.
“Holy crap” thought the father, “this kid is in contact with the other side.”
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
“God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy.”
He practically went into shock.
He couldn’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day had lunch and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
“I’ve never seen you work so late. What’s the matter?”
He said, “I don’t want to talk about it, I’ve just spent the worst day of my life.”
She said, “You think you had a bad day, you’ll never believe what happened to me.
This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!”
Grandpa was telling his grandson
Johnny was told by his friends
18.
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone.
His wife has a conference in paris and he gives her a ride to the airport, as he’s dropping her off..
she says: “thanks honey, is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He replies: “yes, how about an Italian girl,a beautiful one…LOL”
3 days later..
When the husband picks her up from airport.. he says: “how was your trip honey?”
She replies: “Oh, my trip was fantastic”
He says: “And what about my present,my Italian girl?”
She replies: “oh,wait for nine months….”
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone.
His wife has a conference in paris and he gives her a ride to the airport, as he’s dropping her off..
she says: “thanks honey, is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He replies: “yes, how about an Italian girl,a beautiful one…LOL”
3 days later..
When the husband picks her up from airport.. he says: “how was your trip honey?”
She replies: “Oh, my trip was fantastic”
He says: “And what about my present,my Italian girl?”
She replies: “oh,wait for nine months….”
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
19.
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back that’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won so I gave him his $5 back.”
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
A Indian Chief in a modern society
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back that’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won so I gave him his $5 back.”
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
A Indian Chief in a modern society
20.
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
Grandpa and Grandma always got very excited when they recalled the old days they were together.
They made a decision, one day to make it,..
“yesterday once more”.
They made a date on the riverbank they used to go when they were young.
The next day, Grandpa got up 6 a.m. in the morning,
dashed to the bank, picked up a big bunch of wild flowers before sunrise,
waited there for his sweetheart to come.
But grandpa ended in disappointment grandma never showed up even after sunset.
Grandpa went home in such anger.
He opened the door, seeing grandma lying on the sofa with her pillow.
He threw the flowers on the floor and questioned:
“Why didn’t you come to our date?”
Grandma hid her head in the pillow and replied shyly
“Mom didn’t allow me to go…”
An elderly, faithful man died
A group of racist Americans
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21.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
22.
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
A woman goes her young daughter to the doctor.
The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says,
“Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant?! She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?”
Darla says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
“Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I’ll be darned if I’m going to miss it this time!”
A old lady was walking down the street
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
23.
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
An elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop and asks,
“How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, “About two hours.”
The elderly guy leaves.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.”
The elderly guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.”
In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
The animals of the forest are having a meeting
A old farmer and his wife had a bunch of pigs
24.
A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes.
After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant make love demands.
The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce.
After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”
The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”
The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.
He said, “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”
The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.
She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his make love advancements again.
She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife.
He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”
The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.
“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
A drunken Irishman is driving through
A woman consulted a divorce attorney to discuss her marriage annulment on account of her husband’s irrational attitudes.
After being married to her husband for years, a woman decided to call it quits as she was fed up of enduring his constant make love demands.
The woman went to see a lawyer to assist with the procedure, as well as discuss the terms of the divorce.
After making her thoughts known to the divorce attorney, he questioned her saying: “Don’t you love him anymore?”
The wife replied, “Oh, I still love him, but all he ever wants is make love, I can’t take it anymore.”
The lawyer thought for a while and suggested to help save his client’s marriage.
He said, “Instead of divorcing him, why don’t you try charging him every time you want to make love?”
The woman thought the suggestion was a good idea and decided to give it a try, hopeful that there was a chance to still live happily with the love of her life.
She left the attorney’s office and headed home hurriedly, but immediately she stepped into her house, her husband made his make love advancements again.
She said, shoving him off in the process, “Not so fast! From now on, it’ll be $10 in the kitchen, $20 in the living room and $50 in the bedroom.”
Without further ado, the anxious husband pulled out a dollar bill and handed it to his wife.
He said, “Well then, here’s $50.”
The wife received the note and started making her way to the bedroom, but her husband stopped her in earnest, pulling her to him.
“Hold on. That would be five times in the kitchen.”
The Queen and Dolly Parton die
A drunken Irishman is driving through
25.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
26.
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
A woman walks into the City Center link office, trailed by 15 kids.
“WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up, I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“OK, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues.
One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker.
“I’m seeing a pattern here are they ALL named Terri?”
Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier.”
When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’
An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry and all of them stop It’s the smartest idea I ever had, naming’ them all Terry.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch, I call them by their surnames!”
Whispering firmly to the dying man
A man was crossing a road
27.
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
Long ago, people lived happily under the rule of a king
The people of the kingdom were very happy as they led a very prosperous life with an abundance of wealth and no misfortunes.
Once, the king decided to go visiting places of historical importance and pilgrim centres at distant places.
He decided to travel by foot to interact with his people.
People of distant places were very happy to have a conversation with their king
They were proud that their king had a kind heart.
After several weeks of travel, the king returned to the palace.
He was quite happy that he had visited many pilgrim centres and witnessed his people leading a prosperous life.
However, he had one regret
He had intolerable pain in his feet as it was his first trip by foot covering a long distance.
He complained to his ministers that the roads weren’t comfortable and that they were very stony.
He could not tolerate the pain
He said that he was very much worried about the people who had to walk along those roads as it would be painful for them too!
Considering all this, he ordered his servants to cover the roads in the whole country with leather so that the people of his kingdom can walk comfortably.
The king’s ministers were stunned to hear his order as it would mean that thousands of cows would have to be slaughtered in order to get sufficient quantity of leather
And it would cost a huge amount of money also.
Finally, a wise man from the ministry came to the king and said that he had another idea
The king asked what the alternative was.
The minister said, “Instead of covering the roads with leather, why don’t you just have a piece of leather cut in appropriate shape to cover your feet?”
The king was very much surprised by his suggestion and applauded the wisdom of the minister.
He ordered a pair of leather shoes for himself and requested all his countrymen also to wear shoes.
Moral: Instead of trying to change the world, we should try to change ourselves.
A man is in a bar
A priest and a rabbi
28.
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand I’m very hi-tech, I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it by the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bums.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender.
“Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says:
“No, I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”
A man went to his lawyer
A man died and went to straight
He starts dialing numbers on his hand, like a telephone, and talking into his hand.
The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesn’t need any trouble here.
The guy says, “You don’t understand I’m very hi-tech, I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.”
The bartender says “Prove it.”
The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender.
The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.
“That’s incredible,” says the bartender. “I would never have believed it!”
“Yeah,” said the guy, “I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it by the way, where is the men’s room?”
The bartender directs him to the men’s room.
The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesn’t return.
Fearing the worst given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the men’s room.
There is the guy spread-eagle on the wall his pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his bums.
“Oh my god!” said the bartender.
“Did they rob you? Are you hurt?”
The guy turns and says:
“No, I’m ok I’m just waiting for a fax.”
A man went to his lawyer
A man died and went to straight
29.
A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers.
As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench.
He asks his sergeants why they’re guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it.
He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it.
So he calls that commander, now a it. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander.
The captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General.
He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition.
The old retired General goes “wait, is the paint still wet?”
A group of frogs was traveling through
Two guys were hiking in the mountains
A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers.
As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench.
He asks his sergeants why they’re guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it.
He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it.
So he calls that commander, now a it. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander.
The captain goes through this song and dance a couple more times before he gets a hold of an old retired 4 star General.
He politely calls him up and asks him why he ordered his men to guard this bench that all the commanders since then have maintained the tradition.
The old retired General goes “wait, is the paint still wet?”
A group of frogs was traveling through
Two guys were hiking in the mountains
30.
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins.
He pulls the guy over and says:
“You can’t drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately.”
The guy says OK, and drives away.
The next day, the officer sees the guy still driving around with the truck full of penguins, and they’re all wearing sun glasses.
He pulls the guy over and demands:
“I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?”
The guy replies: “I did today I’m taking them to the beach!”
A rabbit and a bear were walking in the forest
A man walks into a bar and leans over
Tags:
eng jokes