1.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
2.
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
3.
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked.
“Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.
“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle.
When a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Teacher & johnny
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.
“You simpleton!” the officer barked.
“Don’t you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?”
“Yes sir,” the solder answered apologetically.
“But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle.
When a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,
“Let’s eat one now and save the other until winter’ —that did it.”
Teacher & johnny
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
4.
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm.
The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
“Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
A man walks into the barber shop
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists
5.
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
“In front of you?” He asks shyly.
The nurse says: “Well no, but I’ve seen the undressed human body before. The man said, “Not one like mine. You’d die laughing at my undressed body.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the Nurse to the patient, “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man’s private parts, she composed herself as well as she could.
“I am so sorry,” she said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” Bob replied.
She ran out of the room.
A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together
A man asks a farmer near a field
6.
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper
Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye.
Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere.
“Jesus is watching you.”
The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes.
After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing.
A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns.
“Jesus is watching you.”
Quite confused, the thief searches the house and checks the front door, but nothing pops out as unusual.
He finally decides to move rooms, and finds a parrot, but ignores it.
Before he can begin to do anything, someone speaks again, “Jesus is watching you.”
The robber realized it was the parrot talking!
Going to the parrot, he asks it, “Are you the one who’s been talking to me?”
The parrot responds, “Yes.”
The thief couldn’t believe it.
So, he asks another question.
“What is your name?”
“Ismael” the parrot replies.
The man scoffed.
“What type of idiot names a parrot Ismael?”
The parrot speaks yet again,
“The same type of idiot that names a Rottweiler Jesus.”
On his last day of work
He saw an ad in the newspaper
7.
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
A little old lady tried to phone her local bank but was put through instead to the bank’s call center.
“Is that the High Street branch?” she asked.
“No, madam,” replied the voice at the other end.
“It is now company policy to deal with telephone calls centrally.”
“Well, I really need to speak to the branch,” said the old lady.
“Madam, if you just let me know your query, I’m sure I can help you.”
“I don’t think you can, young man. I need to speak to the branch.”
The call center operator was adamant.
“There’s nothing that the branch can help you with that can’t be dealt with by me.”
“Very well then,” sighed the old lady.
“Can you just check on the counter? Did I leave my gloves behind when I came in this morning?”
A woman was out driving
A married man was visiting
8.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you, If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone?”
“Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one biting the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
A man goes to the doctor
Getting late for a meeting
9.
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a undressed beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
My wife told me to go to the doctors
A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a undressed beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”
A elderly man made his final request to his wife
My wife told me to go to the doctors
10.
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A very attractive young lady was sitting
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results.
The lab tech says to him, “I’m sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, that’s either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer’s disease and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” asked Mr. Smith.
“Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A very attractive young lady was sitting
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11.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
12.
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway.
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”
The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway Route 20!”
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled.
One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
Two very old men were having a conversation
A cop pulls a car over for going 20 mph on the highway.
The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, “Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?”
The old lady responds, “I was just going the posted speed limit!” and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, “That’s not the speed limit sign, that’s the sign for this highway Route 20!”
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, “We tried to tell you, Eugenia!”
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled.
One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
“What’s the matter?” the cop asks.
She responds, “We just came off of Interstate 190.”
A girl takes her big fat cat to the vet
Two very old men were having a conversation
13.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
14.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said,
“You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you’d like to talk about or ask me?”
“Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yeah, and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
A blonde girl goes to the council
Mrs. Parks asked her class
15.
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
16.
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
A couple of weeks later she finally wakes up and asks the doctor, “Where is my baby?!”
The doctor replies, “They are both fine, you have a beautiful boy and girl.
Your husband went back to work and you were out so long that your brother named them.”
The woman looked concerned, as her brother wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. “Oh no. What did he name them?”
“He named the girl Denise,” The doctor replies.
The woman, relieved, “Well, that’s not so bad. What about the boy?”
“Denephew.”
A judge was interviewing a woman
The passenger window and tapped lightly
17.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
18.
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
John Watching the tv
Harry was sick and tired
A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, your husband has a very sensitive heart.
I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.
On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did he say?”
“Well”, the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably won’t make it.”
John Watching the tv
Harry was sick and tired
19.
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
A very wealthy lawyer in a small town is notorious for never giving money to any charity.
The local animal shelter knows he has a dog and they think that this could be their way into his wallet.
They go to his door and he answers, “What do you want?”
One of the ladies replies, “Hello Mr Smith. We know you are very wealthy and we know you also never give to charity. Wouldn’t you enjoy giving back to an organization that helps dogs much like your own?”
The lawyer looks her dead in the eye and replies, “Do you also know that both of my parents are suffering life-threatening illnesses and have medical bills several times their own income?”
The lady, taken back, replies, “Well no I thought.”
He interrupts her, “Did you also know my sister’s husband left her and their two kids without a penny?”
Still stuttering she replies, “Um… Oh my….”
“And my brother lost his legs in the war,” The lawyer continues.
At this point the people from the shelter are dumbstruck and aren’t saying a word.
Then he finishes, “If they don’t get a cent, do you expect to?”
A magical genie lamp
A older gentleman was on operating table
20.
3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang
The sailors plead with the king to spare their lives so the king strikes a deal.
He says: “Each if you have to go in the forest and get three of the same fruit”
So the sailors go into the forest. The first sailor comes back with 3 kiwis.
The king then tells him: “Now stick all three up your ass and if you make a sound you lose your life!”
The sailor does as he’s told and as he puts the second kiwi in he screams in agony.
So he loses his life.
The second sailor comes back with three grapes and the king tells him the same thing.
So the second sailor starts putting the grapes up his ass and as he is about to put the third grape in he suddenly he starts laughing hysterically.
The king asks: “What happened, you were doing so well!”
The second sailor replies: “I’m sorry but I just saw the third guy walk out of the forest with 3 pineapples!”
A guy enters a bar
There was once a man
3 sailors get stranded on an island and get captured by a cannibal gang
The sailors plead with the king to spare their lives so the king strikes a deal.
He says: “Each if you have to go in the forest and get three of the same fruit”
So the sailors go into the forest. The first sailor comes back with 3 kiwis.
The king then tells him: “Now stick all three up your ass and if you make a sound you lose your life!”
The sailor does as he’s told and as he puts the second kiwi in he screams in agony.
So he loses his life.
The second sailor comes back with three grapes and the king tells him the same thing.
So the second sailor starts putting the grapes up his ass and as he is about to put the third grape in he suddenly he starts laughing hysterically.
The king asks: “What happened, you were doing so well!”
The second sailor replies: “I’m sorry but I just saw the third guy walk out of the forest with 3 pineapples!”
A guy enters a bar
There was once a man
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21.
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot found themselves standing before the Gates of Heaven.
St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
“Gentlemen,” the Devil started, “Heaven is now overcrowded. St Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.
If anyone of you can ask me a question which I cannot answer or don’t know, then you’re worthy enough to go to Heaven.
If not, then you’ll come with me to Hell.”
The philosopher stepped up, “OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates’ teachings,” With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct The philosopher disappeared and went to hell.
The mathematician then asked, “Give me the most complicated formula you can ever think of!”
With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared.
The mathematician read it and agreed it was correct.
The mathematician also went to hell.
The idiot stepped forward and said, “Bring me a chair!”
The Devil brought forward a chair.
“Drill 7 holes on the seat.”
The Devil did just that.
The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.
Standing up, he asked, “Which hole did my fart come out from ?”
The Devil inspected the seat and said, “The third hole from the right.”
“Wrong,” said the idiot, “it’s from my bastard.”
The idiot went to Heaven.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
22.
A preacher, a lawyer, and a doctor all do deer hunting.
They go for a few hours without seeing anything, and then they all spot an enormous deer grazing in a field.
They all excitedly shoot at it at the same time.
The deer immediately drops, but they only find one bullet hole.
They argue and debate for hours over who shot the deer, each wanting it claim the trophy of a kill.
After much debate and getting nowhere, they decide to call their friend, who is a Wild Life Expert, to come and examine the deer.
They tell him where they all stood, that they shot it at the same time, and that it dropped immediately.
He looks at it for hours, and he keeps circling the deer, looking all over, and finally said:
“I know who shot the deer”
“Who?” They all asked eagerly.
“It was the preacher.”
The preacher jumps up and down and shouts for joy, while the other two are furious.
“How can you tell that just from looking at the bullet hole?!” They ask angrily
“Well it’s really very simple gentlemen.”
He says calmly. “If you look at the bullet hole, you can see that it goes inside one ear, and comes out the other”
A man goes to the circus
Wife is running in the park
A preacher, a lawyer, and a doctor all do deer hunting.
They go for a few hours without seeing anything, and then they all spot an enormous deer grazing in a field.
They all excitedly shoot at it at the same time.
The deer immediately drops, but they only find one bullet hole.
They argue and debate for hours over who shot the deer, each wanting it claim the trophy of a kill.
After much debate and getting nowhere, they decide to call their friend, who is a Wild Life Expert, to come and examine the deer.
They tell him where they all stood, that they shot it at the same time, and that it dropped immediately.
He looks at it for hours, and he keeps circling the deer, looking all over, and finally said:
“I know who shot the deer”
“Who?” They all asked eagerly.
“It was the preacher.”
The preacher jumps up and down and shouts for joy, while the other two are furious.
“How can you tell that just from looking at the bullet hole?!” They ask angrily
“Well it’s really very simple gentlemen.”
He says calmly. “If you look at the bullet hole, you can see that it goes inside one ear, and comes out the other”
A man goes to the circus
Wife is running in the park
23.
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
A woman goes to her doctor,
complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says,
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine.
In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger
A recently married couple are in bed
A statue of a Macho athlete
24.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.
A little girl raised her hand.
“I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some children’s stories could become, asked the little girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl.
“My kitty raised her back and went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!’.”
The boy working in that department
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.
A little girl raised her hand.
“I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some children’s stories could become, asked the little girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl.
“My kitty raised her back and went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!’.”
The boy working in that department
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
25.
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
26.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?”
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want why won’t you kiss me?
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A woman walks into the city center
A man hears a voice
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?”
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want why won’t you kiss me?
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A woman walks into the city center
A man hears a voice
27.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, undressed, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the undressed man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
He paid for your Football season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, undressed, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the undressed man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
He paid for your Football season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
28.
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
At one point during the game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old hockey players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a penalty is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb bastard’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach.
“Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
A 97 year old midwife at the Pearly Gates
As he walked up to old lady’s car
29.
An extremely modest old man was in the hospital for a series of tests.
The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
An elderly drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied:
“I think I just be****t the sh***************t out of a ghost”
A old man accidentally crashed his car
A man was crossing a road one day
An extremely modest old man was in the hospital for a series of tests.
The last test had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put.
He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
An elderly drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard barely containing his laughter who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked,
“What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied:
“I think I just be****t the sh***************t out of a ghost”
A old man accidentally crashed his car
A man was crossing a road one day
30.
The first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde pure bride slipped into a nice but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”
A old woman was able to give birth to child
The day she won the lottery
The first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blonde pure bride slipped into a nice but sweet nightie and,
with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”
Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard!
To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”
A old woman was able to give birth to child
The day she won the lottery
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eng jokes