1.
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered, with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yells the customer.
“What’s with your hand on my steak?”
“Sorry,” answers the waiter, “I don’t want it to fall on the floor again.”
A woman was getting calls from strangers
He rubs it and a Genie emerges
2.
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
3.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
4.
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them.
The mother mouse says, “BARK!!” and the cat runs away.
The mother mouse then says to her baby,
“See how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?”
A old man is walking along the street
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter
5.
The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts: That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers: Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
The animals of the forest are having a meeting.
For months on end, there was one big party and the forest looks like the end of spring break. Vomit everywhere, empty bottles and trash on every clearing.
They agreed that this can’t go on and voted to go tea total.
The bear was elected sheriff and tasked to control the others.
First day he makes his round.
The fox is sober, so are the wolf and the deer.
The rabbit is missing.
After some search, the rabbit was found pis$ed in his burrow.
The bear gave him a lecture and threatened to kick him out of the forest should be be found drunk again.
Next day, the usual round.
All animals are sober, rabbit missing.
Again, found drunk in his burrow.
The bear gives him one last chance.
Next day all is well, but the rabbit is again missing.
After a long search, the bear takes a break at the lake.
He sees a straw stick out of the water and smells a strong wiff of vodka.
He grabs the straw, pulls it out of the water and is astonished to find the rabbit hanging on to that straw.
He was hiding under water, drunk as never before.
The bear shouts: That’s it, you are out! We animals of the forest took a pledge to quit drinking!
The rabbit squints, burps and answers: Us fish never took no pledge! Leave me alone!
A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town
A elderly guy sticks his head in the barbershop
6.
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
7.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
The Wife Calls Her Scientist Husband
Sandra and her husband Jim
8.
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
A teacher in New York decided to honor each of her seniors in high school by telling them the difference they each made.
Using a process developed by He-lice Bridges of Del Mar, California, she called each student to the front of the class, one at a time.
First she told them how the student made a difference to her and the class.
Then she presented each of them with a blue ribbon imprinted with gold letters which read, “Who I Am Makes a Difference.”
Afterwards the teacher decided to do a class project to see what kind of impact recognition would have on a community.
She gave each of the students three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony.
Then they were to follow up on the results, see who honored whom and report back to the class in about a week.
One of the boys in the class went to a junior executive in a nearby company and honored him for helping him with his career planning.
He gave him a blue ribbon and put it on his shirt.
Then he gave him two extra ribbons, and said, “We’re doing a class project on recognition, and we’d like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going then please report back to me and tell me what happened.”
Later that day the junior executive went in to see his boss, who had been noted, by the way, as being kind of a grouchy fellow.
He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.
The boss seemed very surprised.
The junior executive asked him if he would accept the gift of the blue ribbon and would he give him permission to put it on him.
His surprised boss said, Well, sure.
The junior executive took the blue ribbon and placed it right on his boss’s jacket above his heart.
As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said,
“Would you do me a favor? Would you take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else? The young boy who first gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.”
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down.
Dove And Ant
Nasreddin Hodja, having need for container
9.
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
A couple was having quarrel in a lodge and the man calls the manager and says,
“I’m having an argument with my wife, and now she wants to jump out the window.”
“please come fast”
Manager: “I am sorry sir this is your personal issue, please solve it by yourself.”
Husband: “The window is not opening, this is not a personal issue this is a maintenance issue.”
A old couple was watching movie
A old woman was able to give birth to child
10.
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn.
It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs.
“I’m happy because this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.”
Two women were comparing notes
Three drunks get into a taxi
A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn.
It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county.
The wife began to cry.
“Don’t be scared, Susan,” her husband said. “We are not hurt.”
Susan continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs.
“I’m happy because this is the first time in 15 years we’ve been out together.”
Two women were comparing notes
Three drunks get into a taxi
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11.
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
A couple in their nineties were both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor told them that they were physically okay, but might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair.
‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asked.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure..”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asked.
“No, I can remember it..”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?”
He said, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that write it down?” she asked.
Irritated, he said, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddled off into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returned and handed his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”
A elderly couple who had just celebrated
A man lies on his deathbed
12.
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
13.
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer”? She said, “Yes.”
He said. “OK, then, I’d like to phone a friend.”
A woman is in bed with her lover
A husband and wife decided
A man and his wife went to bed one night and the man was getting very frisky and asked his wife if she was in the mood.
His wife answered, “Not tonight dear I have a headache.”
The man replied, “Is that your final answer”? She said, “Yes.”
He said. “OK, then, I’d like to phone a friend.”
A woman is in bed with her lover
A husband and wife decided
14.
An old hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught.
He met a scammer from another village on the way.
The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter.
The scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg every day and now hunter must compensate him for his loss.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim.
But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owes the scammer.
They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision.
Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief.
Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been.
The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The old man then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it.
The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault.
He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.
A lost dog strays into a jungle
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
An old hunter was on his way back to the village holding a dead goose he caught.
He met a scammer from another village on the way.
The scammer decided to try his skills on the hunter.
The scammer claimed that the goose was his goose that laid one golden egg every day and now hunter must compensate him for his loss.
To the scammer surprise, hunter apologized without disputing the ridiculous claim.
But said he would like a judge to determine the amount he owes the scammer.
They both agreed to take the matter to the village chief for a fair decision.
Scammer thought he had nothing to lose and took him to his village.
Scammer presented his claim to the chief.
Then hunter made the scammer swore in front of the chief that the goose had been giving him golden eggs and how long it had been.
The scammer repeated the claim and said it had been over a year.
The old man then claimed that he was a very wealthy person from another village and he had been hunting for this goose for over a year and he just caught it.
The goose had been stealing one golden egg a day from his vault.
He then asked the judge to seize all the scammer assets.
A lost dog strays into a jungle
A farmer comes home to find his sheepdog
15.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom.
After a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This’ll be a breeze” so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Three Engineers are Discussing God
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
16.
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogy one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
This lady is shopping in a supermarket
Two guys were discussing life
Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face.”
The second old fogy one-upped him and said, “My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers.”
The third old man laughed and said, “That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!”
This lady is shopping in a supermarket
Two guys were discussing life
17.
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle.”
A lady from the city and her traveling
A man walks into a store
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a truck driver.
He motioned for her to pull over.
When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket.
He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde, “Stand in that circle and DON’T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that’s funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
He is getting really mad.
He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she’s laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What’s so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren’t looking, I stepped outside the circle.”
A lady from the city and her traveling
A man walks into a store
18.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
19.
There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles.
The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!”
The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.”
The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”
So the officer let him go.
John and Bob were discussing
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
There’s a man speeding on the road and a police officer is chasing him for miles.
The man finally stops and the officer tells him, “When you see those lights and hear those sirens, you are supposed to stop!”
The man says, “Well, I had a good excuse to keep driving.”
The officer says, “I’ve heard every excuse in the book, but if it’s one I haven’t heard, I’ll let you go.”
The man says, “Well a few days ago, my wife ran off with one of your officers, and I was afraid you were trying to bring her back.”
So the officer let him go.
John and Bob were discussing
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
20.
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not!
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it’s because he is left handed.
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A depressed man walks into a bar
Husband says to his wife.
Husband: If I died would you date another man.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him move in to our house.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him sleep in our bed.?
Wife: Of course I would.
Husband: Would you let him use my Golf Clubs.?
Wife: Definitely not!
Husband: Is that because they are personal to me.?
Wife: No it’s because he is left handed.
A husband was sitting on the sofa
A depressed man walks into a bar
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21.
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice make love only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is c*ckeyed.”
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A man went fishing one day
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family doctor.
“Young lady,” the doctor began, “you’re pregnant.”
“But that can’t be. The only men I’ve been with are nudists and in, our colony we practice make love only with our eyes.”
“Well my dear,” said the doctor, “someone in that colony is c*ckeyed.”
A man and woman are sitting at a bar
A man went fishing one day
22.
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
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Divorce letter with funny end
Dry humor about water.
So these two guys are in a cabin in the woods by a small pond in Vermont.
One says, “Hey, go fetch some water to drink.”
So the other takes a pail and wades out into the pond to get water.
He looks up and there is a bear across the pond looking at him and growling!
The guy drops the pail and runs back to the cabin.
He bursts into the cabin and shouts, “There’s a bear in the lake!”
The other guy looks up and says, “Relax, he’s probably more scared than you are.”
The some what wet guy says, “Oh, then you wouldn’t want to drink the water anyway.”
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Divorce letter with funny end
23.
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
Patient: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender
24.
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.
In court the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,‘” asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded,
“Well. I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite donkey Bessie into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted,
“just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’“.
Farmer Joe said,
“Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”
The lawyer interrupted again and said,
“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident,
this man told the Police officer on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and said to the lawyer,
“I’d like to hear what he has to say.”
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded,
“Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the motorway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move.
However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Policeman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the officer came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.”
He said,…
“Your donkey was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?”
I said: ………………………….
A man had the worst day of his life
Finding one of her student Little Johnny
25.
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
A mother and her daughter were at the gynecologist’s office.
The mother asked the doctor to examine her daughter.
“She has been having some strange symptoms and I’m worried about her,” the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, “Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant.”
The mother gasped, “That’s nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing whatsoever to do with men.”
She turned to the girl. “You don’t, do you, dear?”
“No, mummy,” said the girl.
“Why, you know that I have never so much as kissed a man!”
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again.
Then, silently he stood up and walked to the window, staring out.
He continued staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, “Doctor, is there something wrong out there?”
“No, Madam,” said the doctor.
“It’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another one was going to show up.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day
A policeman pulled over a car
26.
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”
“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wound never fit you.”
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
Two young guys appear in court
One day, an elderly man Jimmy was walking down Main Street when he saw his old buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.
Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
“Bubba, where’d you get that truck?!”
“Mary gave it to me,” Bubba replied.
“She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?”
“Well, Jimmy, let me tell you what happened we were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Mary pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive and headed into the woods.
She parked the truck got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
‘Bubba, take whatever you want.’ So I took the truck!”
“You’re a smart man, Bubba! Them clothes wound never fit you.”
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought
Two young guys appear in court
27.
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
The math teacher was giving a lesson on fractions and wrote an example on the chalkboard.
He explained that the numerator was the top and the denominator was the bottom.
Leaning against the board, he asked the class, “Are there any questions?”
When he turned back to face the board, laughter filled the room.
“Mr. Alexander,” one student giggled, “you have chalk dust all over your denominator!”
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
28.
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared.
“Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled.
“I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”
The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.
He replied, “Well, you see my wife and I have married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge.”
“Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”
A wife went to the police station
A man wakes up in a catholic hospital
29.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
30.
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
A young woman was preparing for her wedding.
She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black negligee and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle.
Well, Mom forgot until the last minute, so she dashed out and could only find a short pink nightie.
She bought it and threw it into the suitcase.
After the wedding the bride and groom enter their hotel room.
The groom was a little self-conscious so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed.
While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in there.
She exclaimed, “Oh no! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!”
Then her groom cried out, “I told you not to peek!”
A married couple moves into to a new home
They walked down to their old school
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eng jokes