1.
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
2.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
3.
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?”
The young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again.
“So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”
A secretary walked into her boss
Three people were stuck on an island
4.
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice.
The doctor said she should run ten miles a day for thirty days.
This, he promised, would help her lose the 20 pounds she’s been trying to get rid of.
The blonde followed the doctor’s advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she had indeed lost the pesky 20 pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results.
At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
“How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?”
A woman finds magic lamp
The old lady handed her bank card
5.
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
A young lady is buying a box of tampons in the store.
They are missing the UPC and won’t ring up.
The cashier asks his co-worker to go and check the price of Tampax.
Do you mean the kind you push in or the kind you hammer in?
Everyone including the cashier is shocked: What?
You said to check the price of thumb tacs.
I am asking whether you mean the kind of thumb tacs you push in or the kind you hammer in?
You should have seen the face of the young lady who wanted to buy these tampons.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory
A blonde woman walks into bank
6.
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
7.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
8.
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
An elderly lady went to the doctor and asked for his help in reviving her husband’s passion.
“Why don’t you give him tablet?” the doctor asked.
“Oh, no,” the woman replied.
“He doesn’t even take aspirin for a headache!”
“That’s not a problem,” the doctor told her.
“Just crush up the pill and slip it into his coffee. He’ll never even know.”
Several days later, the old woman returned to the doctor, and he asked her if his suggestions worked.
“Oh, Doctor!” she exclaimed. “It was horrible! I did just as you said and as soon as he finished his coffee, he jumped up from the table, ripped off my clothes and took me right there on the table, we made love for a whole hour!!”
“And that was horrible?” the doctor asked, puzzled.
“Oh, the love making was wonderful!” the old woman exclaimed…
“But I can never show my face in that coffee shop again!”
A priest walked into a barber shop
A guy went to a psychiatrist
9.
A Dog and a rooster, who were the best of friends, wished very much to see something of the world.
So they decided to leave the farmyard and to set out into the world along the road that led to the woods.
The two comrades traveled along in the very best of spirits and without meeting any adventure to speak of.
At nightfall the rooster, looking for a place to roost, as was his custom, spied nearby a hollow tree that he thought would do very nicely for a night’s lodging.
The Dog could creep inside and the rooster would fly up on one of the branches
So said, so done, and both slept very comfortably.
With the first glimmer of dawn the rooster awoke for the moment he forgot just where he was.
He thought he was still in the farmyard where it had been his duty to arouse the household at daybreak.
So standing on tip-toes he flapped his wings and crowed lustily but instead of awakening the farmer, he awakened a Fox not far off in the wood.
The Fox immediately had rosy visions of a very delicious breakfast.
Hurrying to the tree where the rooster was roosting, he said very politely:
“A hearty welcome to our woods, honored sir
I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you here.
I am quite sure we shall become the closest of friends.”
“I feel highly flattered, kind sir,” replied the rooster slyly.
“If you will please go around to the door of my house at the foot of the tree, my porter will let you in.”
The hungry but unsuspecting Fox, went around the tree as he was told, and in a twinkling the Dog had seized him.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
A Dog and a rooster, who were the best of friends, wished very much to see something of the world.
So they decided to leave the farmyard and to set out into the world along the road that led to the woods.
The two comrades traveled along in the very best of spirits and without meeting any adventure to speak of.
At nightfall the rooster, looking for a place to roost, as was his custom, spied nearby a hollow tree that he thought would do very nicely for a night’s lodging.
The Dog could creep inside and the rooster would fly up on one of the branches
So said, so done, and both slept very comfortably.
With the first glimmer of dawn the rooster awoke for the moment he forgot just where he was.
He thought he was still in the farmyard where it had been his duty to arouse the household at daybreak.
So standing on tip-toes he flapped his wings and crowed lustily but instead of awakening the farmer, he awakened a Fox not far off in the wood.
The Fox immediately had rosy visions of a very delicious breakfast.
Hurrying to the tree where the rooster was roosting, he said very politely:
“A hearty welcome to our woods, honored sir
I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you here.
I am quite sure we shall become the closest of friends.”
“I feel highly flattered, kind sir,” replied the rooster slyly.
“If you will please go around to the door of my house at the foot of the tree, my porter will let you in.”
The hungry but unsuspecting Fox, went around the tree as he was told, and in a twinkling the Dog had seized him.
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
10.
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
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11.
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
12.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
13.
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
14.
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
3 Archers are competing at a contest to find out which one of them is the best archer.
Thunderous applause. thousands of people watching.
The first one climbs onto the podium and brings his wife with him.
He puts an apple on her head, distances himself of her for 30 feet, aims, aaaaaaims and perfectly hits the apple.
“I am Wilhelm Tell!” He shouts.
The applause even gets louder.
The second challenger approaches the podium.
He also brings his wife, puts a cherry on her head, goes away for 50 feet, aims, aaaaaaims, and also hits the target perfectly.
The crowd is amazed.
“I am Robin Hood!”
The last challenger enters.
He puts a watermelon on his wife’s head.
Takes 3 steps back, aims, aaaaaaims, and shoots his wife straight into the face.
The whole crowd turns silent. “I am sorry!”
A scientist is asked by the government
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates
15.
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken finger.”
A lady is working at old people home
A doctor had just finished a marathon
A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, “Show me where.”
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, “Ouch!”
Then she touched her leg and screamed, “Ouch!”
She touched her nose and cried, “Ouch!”
She looked at her doctor and said, “See? It hurts everywhere!”
The doctor laughed and said, “Don’t worry; it’s not serious. You’ve just got a broken finger.”
A lady is working at old people home
A doctor had just finished a marathon
16.
A man celebrating his 100th birthday was asked by a reporter how he had managed to live so long.
The man contemplated that question and looked over at his wife.
She sat beside him and a small smile played around her lips.
He hesitated for a moment before he explained.
“Well, son, I got married when I was 21.”
The wife and I decided that if ever we argued the loser should take a long walk to cool off.
So I guess I’ve benefited from 79 years of fresh air.
A priest dies and is waiting in line
On his last day of work
A man celebrating his 100th birthday was asked by a reporter how he had managed to live so long.
The man contemplated that question and looked over at his wife.
She sat beside him and a small smile played around her lips.
He hesitated for a moment before he explained.
“Well, son, I got married when I was 21.”
The wife and I decided that if ever we argued the loser should take a long walk to cool off.
So I guess I’ve benefited from 79 years of fresh air.
A priest dies and is waiting in line
On his last day of work
17.
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
18.
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A couple married for over 50 years
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket.
As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her “no.”
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, “Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don’t be upset. It won’t be long.”
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn’t have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, “There, there, Ellen, don’t cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we’ll be checking out.”
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, “Ellen, we’ll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap.”
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
“I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen…”
The mother broke in, “My little girl’s name is Tammy… I’m Ellen.”
A man walks into a bar orders a drink
A couple married for over 50 years
19.
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He’s inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it’s being used, and by whom.
“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”
“Yes. My husband and I use it during make love,” she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure.
“Um, er… I admire you for your honesty,” he continues.
“Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”
“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail
A boy is wandering in a hotel
20.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down
Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles, when you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some 54 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for.
There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth”.
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound”.
The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door”.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man demands the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire, and so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door”.
The man is relieved to know that he has finally reached to the end.
He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound but he can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
A chemistry professor wanted to teach
A businessman was in big trouble
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21.
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: “Pull down your pants,”
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded.
“I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Ole and Lena are having make love
A young pure couple is finally wed
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding.
When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, both the bride and groom were curious as to what a contemporary service entailed.
They weren’t sure, so they promptly asked the pastor.
“Oh there aren’t many differences at all just a few minor details,” replied the pastor.
The couple preferred the sound of a contemporary wedding over a traditional one, so they decided to go ahead with it.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church.
The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
Upon seeing the groom, the pastor promptly told him: “Pull down your pants,”
“Uh, Reverend, I’ve changed my mind,” the groom responded.
“I think I would prefer the traditional service.”
Ole and Lena are having make love
A young pure couple is finally wed
22.
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
A certain king of Spain who was very proud of his ancestors was known for his cruelty toward those who were weaker than him.
Once he was travelling with his retinue over a field in Aragon where years ago he had lost his father in a battle,
when he came upon a holy man rummaging through an enormous pile of bones.
“What are you up to there?” asked the king.
“All honor to Your Majesty!” said the holy man.
“When I heard that the king of Spain was coming here, I decided to gather the bones of your deceased father and deliver them to you but no matter how hard I look, I cannot find them, they are just the same as the bones of peasants, the poor, beggars and slaves.”
The teacher begins her lesson
Santa was traveling in a train
23.
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory
An elderly man and his wife are losing their memory. Fearful that they may be developing early signs of dementia, Alzheimers, or the like, they speed off to their doctor.
The doctor gives them a thorough examination and says, “Honestly, you are both in great shape and should take pride in your physical fitness.
Go home, relax a little, and if you’re still having trouble with your memories, just try to write things down so you can’t forget.”
Gleefully returning home with fears of permanent memory loss behind them, the couple decides to celebrate with a movie. In the middle of the movie, the older gentleman makes a move for the kitchen.
“Where are you going?” asks the wife
“Just going to grab some vanilla ice cream,” replies the husband
“Oh, grab me some too, then!” The man nodes his head in affirmation and begins his walk towards the kitchen.
“Shouldn’t you write it down like the doctor recommended?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream, I can remember.”
“In that case, throw some whipped cream and a cherry on top, why don’t ya?” The wife added Again the man nodded in affirmation and began walking towards the kitchen.
“Well shouldn’t you write it down?”
“It’s just some vanilla ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I’ve got it,” the man replies growing weary of this conversation.
He is in the kitchen banging around for roughly 15 minutes and returns with two plates of steaming hot bacon and eggs. The wife looks at him utterly befuddled and says,
“Well hey, you forgot my toast!”
There was once a small town
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
24.
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
Two man went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.
Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
The old man was a witness
A Scotsman drinking in a Havana bar
25.
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
Three guys are in a doctor`s office.
One is a drunk, another`s a smoker and the third`s a gay guy.
The doctor tells each of them that, if they indulge in their bad habit one more time, they will die.
Outside they pass a bar.
The drunk says, “I don`t care if I die, I need a drink.”
The drunk goes into the bar takes a drink and, sure enough, he drops dead.
Meanwhile the smoker and the gay guy are walking along.
Then the smoker spots a lit cigarette on the sidewalk.
The gay guy looks over and says, “If you bend down to pick that up, we`re both dead.”
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man is traveling through the jungle
26.
There was an old man who had a dream one night that he would be protected from a ravaging storm that would engulf his whole village.
The next day, as expected, a terrible storm came to his region.
The first day a neighbor of his offered help for him to flee help that he denied since he was sure God was going to help him.
The second day, when he had to take refuge in the second floor of his house given that the waters had taken over all of the first floor.
A rescue team came to his house and offered him to get out of there help that he again refused given that God had promised him to get out of there.
The third day came a helicopter to rescue him but he was adamant that God was going to save him.
Not long after he drowned and died.
Once in heaven he complained to God, “why didn’t you help me as you promised?”
To which God replied, ” I sent your neighbor, a rescue squad and even a helicopter to which you simply declined!”
One day a friend asked
A priest dies and is waiting in line
There was an old man who had a dream one night that he would be protected from a ravaging storm that would engulf his whole village.
The next day, as expected, a terrible storm came to his region.
The first day a neighbor of his offered help for him to flee help that he denied since he was sure God was going to help him.
The second day, when he had to take refuge in the second floor of his house given that the waters had taken over all of the first floor.
A rescue team came to his house and offered him to get out of there help that he again refused given that God had promised him to get out of there.
The third day came a helicopter to rescue him but he was adamant that God was going to save him.
Not long after he drowned and died.
Once in heaven he complained to God, “why didn’t you help me as you promised?”
To which God replied, ” I sent your neighbor, a rescue squad and even a helicopter to which you simply declined!”
One day a friend asked
A priest dies and is waiting in line
27.
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
28.
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die.
They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail.
Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued.
They prayed a lot of course, and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, “you know sister, I am about to die, and there’s always been one thing I’ve wanted here on earth–to see a woman undressed. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?”
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes.
As she was doing so, she remarked, “well, Father, now that I think about it, I’ve never seen a man undreseed, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?”
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, “Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?”
The priest patiently answered, “That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life.”
“Well,” responded the nun, “forget about me. Stick it in the camel!”
Joe grew up in a small town
Two buddies Bob and Earl
29.
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident “I just lost it.”
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two friends are having drinks
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus; she noticed the man opposite to her was smiling at her so she immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Slogan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling” and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick” and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident “I just lost it.”
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
Two friends are having drinks
30.
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy.
Suddenly the son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?”
The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of melons. In her twenties, a woman’s melons are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kind of privet part are there?”
The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man’s twenties, his weapon is like an oak, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!”
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
Three nuns passed every day through a street
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