1.
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print so romantic we felt like newlyweds again I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry-We’ll definitely have a white Christmas no snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again
I don’t think that’s possible
Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night
The temperature dropped to -20
The cold makes everything
sparkle so
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again
I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way
I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
The local bar was so sure
The Pencil Maker
The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven.
It looked like a Grandma Moses print so romantic we felt like newlyweds again I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape.
What a fantastic sight!
Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow such a disappointment!
My neighbor tells me not to worry-We’ll definitely have a white Christmas no snow on Christmas would be awful!
Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again
I don’t think that’s possible
Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night
The temperature dropped to -20
The cold makes everything
sparkle so
The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks
This is the life!
The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again
I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way
I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
The local bar was so sure
The Pencil Maker
2.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer into buying a bicycle, but was meeting with considerable sales resistance.
“Shucks, I’d sooner spend my money on a cow,” said the farmer.
“Ah,” replied the salesman, “but think how silly you’d look riding around on a cow.”
“Humph!” retorted the farmer. “Not near as silly as I’d look trying to milk a bicycle!”
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A doctor just finishes his check-up
3.
A woman with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterward they’re just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other.
The phone rings, and because it’s the woman’s house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice. “Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really. That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye.”
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, ” that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
A man and his wife went to bed
A woman with her lover who also happens to be her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours, and afterward they’re just lying there, enjoying the nearness of each other.
The phone rings, and because it’s the woman’s house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.
She is speaking in a cheery voice. “Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really. That’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you. Sounds terrific. Great! Thanks! Okay. Buh-bye.”
She hangs up the phone and her lover asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, ” that was my husband telling me what a wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
A couple was invited to a swanky masked
A man and his wife went to bed
4.
A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family.
They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left.
A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight.
A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again.
The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies,
“It’s quite nice but the only thing I don’t like is that they don’t let you fart”
A man had been drinking at the bar
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A frail old man is put in to a care home by his family.
They visit him a few days later and as they are talking he starts leaning to the left.
A nurse quickly runs over and props him up straight.
A little while later he starts leaning to the right, again the nurse runs over and props him up again.
The family, impressed by the care he seems to be receiving then ask him how he likes the place, to which he replies,
“It’s quite nice but the only thing I don’t like is that they don’t let you fart”
A man had been drinking at the bar
The male teacher in a girls school asked
5.
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A group of frogs was traveling through
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asks.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a whole 31 days.”
The bartender thought about this for a while.
“But, isn’t it a good thing that she isn’t talking to you?” asked the bartender.
“Yeah, except today is the last night,” he muttered.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag
A group of frogs was traveling through
6.
Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.
“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,
“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”
A teacher was giving an assignment
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
Two Blondes, living in Kansas, were sitting on a bench one evening, one asked the other.
“What do you think is farther, Florida or the moon?”
The other blonde give her a puzzled look and replies,
“Helloooooooooooooooooooo Can you see Florida??????!!!!!!”
A teacher was giving an assignment
Three ex-pats are drinking in a NY city bar
7.
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
John was talking to his fiance, Rebecca.
He said, “Be honest now, baby, how am I as a lover?”
To which she replied, “Honey, I would definitely say that you’re warm.”
“Really?” he asked excitedly.
“Yes, in fact I would say that you’re the dictionary definition of the word ‘warm.'”
John was pleased until he went home and just for fun, checked his dictionary and found, “WARM: Not so hot.”
Two guys are walking through
Two women are walking home
8.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
9.
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit.
I gotta go home and f*ck the cat.”
A man get a call girl
Three devout nuns were summoned
Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: “When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times.”
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila.
He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar.
He turns to the other mice and replies: “Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home.
In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.” The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t have time for this bullshit.
I gotta go home and f*ck the cat.”
A man get a call girl
Three devout nuns were summoned
10.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
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11.
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at his clock it’s 3:30 a.m.
He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there.
“Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband
Husband and wife talking in bed
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at his clock it’s 3:30 a.m.
He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there.
“Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband
Husband and wife talking in bed
12.
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.
He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date.
After being informed of the problem, their daughter’s date said he could get the peanut out..
The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father’s nose and told him to blowhard.
When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.
The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
The young man insisted that it was nothing.
Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said,
‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t he smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows up?’
The father replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry
He entered their bedroom
13.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
“It`s for my husband,” she tells the clerk.
“Did he tell you what gauge to get?” asked the clerk.
“Are you kidding?” she says.
“He doesn’t even know that I`m going to shoot him!”
Two old women were sitting on a bench
The doctor comes in and informs
14.
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit,
She instructed her son Little Johnny to use his own phone to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site.
After Little Johnny had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching dad on the mobile.
Women!! ?????
Hearing this Mom got angry.
She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure.
People from the neighborhood rushed around to find out what the cause of the commotion was.
The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody what the lady said to him when he called.
Little Johnny said: “The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please Try Again Later…”
A man joined a big Multi National Company
There was this professional assassin that charged
15.
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, “Grandpa, are you going to take that new pills?”
Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park.
Johnny asked, “Grandpa, are you going to take that new pills?”
Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies. “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.”
little kid is walking street with his Daddy
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
16.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
17.
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
If you’re ever feeling a bit too sure of yourself after drinking, just think back on this story!
A wife goes out for the night with her girlfriends just before she leaves, she assures her husband that she won’t be home any later than midnight: “I promise, honey.”
Unfortunately, that night happened to be ladies’ night, which meant the c*cktails were only half the usual price.
She had a great time, and before she knew it it had gotten really late.
As she finally arrives home, she closes the door just a little too loudly behind her. She quickly checks her watch.
Damn, it’s almost 3 o’clock in the night.
I probably woke up my husband with the slamming door and now he’s gonna hear the cuckoo-clock strike three.
Wait, I got it, I’ll wait here for the clock to strike and then add 9 extra cuckoos.
He’ll think it’s just 12 o’clock!
She does exactly as planned. As the hour strikes, she performs the extra cuckoos with the skill of an absolute master.
She goes to bed feeling satisfied that her little scam had worked – even totally drunk she had managed to avoid a fight.
Mick Says To Paddy
The Hunter And A Bear
18.
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me.
But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on?
I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.
The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back.
I saw your wife and a strange man get out.
They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window.
Your wife was kissing the man.
Then he took off his shirt.
Then she took off her top.
Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean?
There’s always that doubt.
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Johnny went to confession
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me.
But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business.
Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor?
Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on?
I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.
The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away.
Later, after dark, the car came back.
I saw your wife and a strange man get out.
They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window.
Your wife was kissing the man.
Then he took off his shirt.
Then she took off her top.
Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean?
There’s always that doubt.
One day Emma came home and asked her mother
Johnny went to confession
19.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
20.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
“Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
A father put his three year old daughter
A older couple wakes up
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21.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
22.
The old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house.
A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray.
He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray.
The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard.
It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.
Josh was amazed.
He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”
“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.
A woman announces to her friend
A old man ordered one hamburger
The old Josh was sat in his garden, sunbathing in the deck chair when he noticed his grand-son kneeling on the lawn with a worm.
When he asked his grandson what he was doing, he found that he was trying to push the worm down the hole from which it came.
“If you can get that worm back in that hole I’ll give you ten dollars,” said Josh.
His grandson sat and thought for a moment, then rushed into the house.
A few minutes later he returned with his mother’s hair spray.
He picked up the worm by one end and, as he let it hang down, he sprayed it all over with the hair spray.
The spray set and the worm became stiff and hard.
It was now easy to push the worm back in the hole.
Josh was amazed.
He gave the boy ten dollars, picked up the hair spray and went indoors.
About an hour later Josh came back into the garden and gave his grand-son another ten dollars.
“But grandpa,” said the boy, “you’ve already given me the ten dollars you promised.”
“That’s from your grandma,” said Josh.
A woman announces to her friend
A old man ordered one hamburger
23.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
24.
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
So a truck driver is driving through the country when he sees a penguin in the middle of the road.
He pulls over and looks around, but can’t see anyone.
So he picks up the penguin, puts him in the cab of his truck, and continues on his way.
A couple of miles down the road he gets pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up to the truck and asks, “What are you doing with that penguin in your cab?”
The truck driver thinks for a second and says, “Well, he was just sitting in the middle of the road, so I decided to pick him up” to which the cop replied, “well ok, but what are you going to do with him now?”
Truck driver thinks for another second and says, “Well I was thinking I’d take him to the zoo.”
The cop shrugs his shoulders, tells the truck driver that’ll be fine and lets him go on his way.
A couple weeks later and the same truck driver with the same penguin is pulled over again by the same cop.
But this time the cop storms up to the truck and demands to know angrily,
“What are you still doing with that penguin? You said you were going to take him to the zoo?”
“I did” exclaimed the truck driver “that was two weeks ago, I’m taking him to the cinema today”
Nasreddin Hodja was lying in the shade
Two Government maintenance guys
25.
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
John asks his wife Mary
A newly couple moved into their new home
A couple is walking in East Berlin on Christmas Eve.
They feel a slight precipitation.
“I think it’s raining,” says the man.
“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.
“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the main.
“Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?
“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
The man turns to his wife with a smile.
“See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
John asks his wife Mary
A newly couple moved into their new home
26.
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
A young couple move into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hanging up the washing outside.
Wife: “That laundry isn’t very clean; she doesn’t know how to wash correctly
Perhaps she needs better laundry detergent.”
Her husband looks on, remaining silent.
Every time her neighbor hangs out her washing to dry, the young woman makes the same comments.
A month later, the woman is surprised to see a nice clean load of washing on the line and says to her husband:
Wife: “Look, she’s finally learned how to wash her clothes correctly
I wonder who taught her this?”
The husband replies, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
Moral of the story:
Some people nowadays, what they see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which they look, not on what’s really behind/inside of it…
While rummaging through the boat
A doctor entered the hospital
27.
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
“I don’t know why, but I’m afraid that this room might be bugged with listening devices.”
the girlfriend tells her boyfriend.
“That’s crazy, there’s nothing to be worried about.” the man replies.
The girl insists, so he starts to search the room
He looks in all of the drawers, under the TV, and behind the curtains
When he pulls the rug up, to his utter disbelief, he finds a suspicious looking disc.
“Wow, you might be right!” the man says as he unscr*ws the disc from the floor.
The next morning, they head to the front desk to check out of their room.
“You guys must’ve had a good time last night” the clerk says laughing.
Angry and confused, the man asks, “AND HOW WOULD YOU KNOW THAT?! ARE YOU USING LISTENING DEVICES TO TRACK EVERYTHING WE’RE DOING OR SOMETHING?!?!”
The clerk replies,
“Not at all
It’s just that the entire chandelier on the floor below your room came down.”
I forgot my teeth
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
28.
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
Two men were hunting in the woods when, all of a sudden, one man had a heart attack.
The other called 911.
Someone answered, and he said, “You’ve gotta come help me.
The guy I was hunting with had a heart attack.”
The person said, “Well, you’ve gotta make sure that he is dead.”
So the hunter said, “Okay.” Then he left the phone, there was a long pause, then a gun shot.
The hunter got back on the phone and said “Okay, now what?”
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop
A man lives in a high rise
29.
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early
A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early
30.
One day, a man walks into a Chemist to buy some protection.
He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see safety item on the shelf.
Frustrated, the man finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five-pound note next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the man, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the man begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t make a bet.”
Two little squirrels were walking along
Two men were working at the sawmill
One day, a man walks into a Chemist to buy some protection.
He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see safety item on the shelf.
Frustrated, the man finally unzips his pants, places his willy on the counter, and puts down a five-pound note next to it.
The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the man, and then picks up both notes and stuffs them in his pocket.
Exasperated, the man begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t make a bet.”
Two little squirrels were walking along
Two men were working at the sawmill
Tags:
eng jokes