1.
On a very cold winter night, three homeless man huddled up close to keep warm.
In the morning, the guy on the right says, “I had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy on the left says, “I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy in the middle says, “I had a dream that I went skiing.”
A little guy gets on a plane
A farmer wanted to have his hens
On a very cold winter night, three homeless man huddled up close to keep warm.
In the morning, the guy on the right says, “I had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy on the left says, “I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy in the middle says, “I had a dream that I went skiing.”
A little guy gets on a plane
A farmer wanted to have his hens
2.
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked her.”
He inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied. “Get in line.”
The doctor said to the elderly man
A elderly man went to a doctor
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee, when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery:
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn’t stand the curiosity.
He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said: “I am so sorry for your loss and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”
“My wife’s.”
”What happened to her?”
“She yelled at me and my dog attacked her.”
He inquired further. “But who is in the second hearse?” The man answered.
“My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
“Can I borrow the dog?”
The man replied. “Get in line.”
The doctor said to the elderly man
A elderly man went to a doctor
3.
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
A guy was limping, so his friend asked him what was wrong.
He replied, “My foot bugs me sometimes.
It’s just an old basketball injury.”
His friend said, “Uh, aren’t you kinda short for a basketball player?”
He replied, “Oh no, I never played basketball.
I just lost a ton of money on the NBA finals last year and kicked in the TV.”
Little Johnny on the plane
A elderly man is stopped
4.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if it is make love after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact: “Marion… Marion.”
“Is that you, Bob?”
“Yes, I’ve come back as we agreed.”
“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”
“Well, I get up in the morning, I have lovemaking. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.”
I have make love again, bathe in the warm sun and then have lovemaking a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch you’d be proud lots of greens.
Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have lovemaking the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it’s back to golf course again.
Then it’s more lovemaking until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again”
“Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?”
“No I’m a rabbit in Kent’.”
A boy was walking down the street
A couple were in a busy shopping center
5.
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
6.
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
7.
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
8.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
The doctor says george everything looks great
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
The doctor says george everything looks great
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
9.
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
A high school recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of the girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the maintenance man who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.
He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators.
A water bearer in India had two large pot
A shipwreck
10.
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said.
“You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have lovemaking?”
“Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said:
“Jake do we still have make love?”
Jake answered impatiently, “If I told you once I told you a thousand times we have blue cross!!”
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
An eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination whereupon the doctor said.
“You are in fine shape for your age.. but tell me.. do you still have lovemaking?”
“Just a minute .. I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She went out to the reception room and said:
“Jake do we still have make love?”
Jake answered impatiently, “If I told you once I told you a thousand times we have blue cross!!”
A young woman was preparing a ham dinner
A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster
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11.
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
12.
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?”
asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?”
asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?”
asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy.
Three men were discussing at a bar
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson
13.
If your cup (literally) runneth over, it may be by design — and that design may be over 2,500 years old.
Variously called a Greedy Cup, Tantalus Cup or Pythagoras Cup, this drinking vessel can only be filled with so much wine before a siphoning effect drains it all back out.
Pythagoras of Samos was a philosopher and mathematician of the 6th Century BCE.
Among other accomplishments, he is widely credited with proving the Pythagorean theorem (though it may well have been the work of his students).
He is also given credit for the creation of this ancient practical joke device that likewise bears his name.
The cup itself looks ordinary except for its central column.
A hidden pipe runs from a void in the bottom of the stem up into the vessel, coiling back on itself in the process.
This twist is the key.
When the cup is filled too high, liquid tips into the central pipe and, per Pascal’s principle of communicating vessels, the entire contents of the cup begin to drain.
Gravity and pressure take over and the rest, as they say, is history — the vessel then empties itself entirely.
If filled to just below that point, however, a user can drink from the vessel normally.
Cross section of a Pythagorean cup being filled: at B, the cup may be safely drunk from, but at C, the siphon effect causes the cup to drain.
Diagram by Nevit Dilmen (CC BY-SA 3.0)
As the (possibly apocryphal) story goes:
Pythagoras designed the cup so that his students would share equally and balance their consumption.
If they poured too much, these self-draining chalices would prevent the students from ending up in their cups, so to speak.
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
A young man from the city
If your cup (literally) runneth over, it may be by design — and that design may be over 2,500 years old.
Variously called a Greedy Cup, Tantalus Cup or Pythagoras Cup, this drinking vessel can only be filled with so much wine before a siphoning effect drains it all back out.
Pythagoras of Samos was a philosopher and mathematician of the 6th Century BCE.
Among other accomplishments, he is widely credited with proving the Pythagorean theorem (though it may well have been the work of his students).
He is also given credit for the creation of this ancient practical joke device that likewise bears his name.
The cup itself looks ordinary except for its central column.
A hidden pipe runs from a void in the bottom of the stem up into the vessel, coiling back on itself in the process.
This twist is the key.
When the cup is filled too high, liquid tips into the central pipe and, per Pascal’s principle of communicating vessels, the entire contents of the cup begin to drain.
Gravity and pressure take over and the rest, as they say, is history — the vessel then empties itself entirely.
If filled to just below that point, however, a user can drink from the vessel normally.
Cross section of a Pythagorean cup being filled: at B, the cup may be safely drunk from, but at C, the siphon effect causes the cup to drain.
Diagram by Nevit Dilmen (CC BY-SA 3.0)
As the (possibly apocryphal) story goes:
Pythagoras designed the cup so that his students would share equally and balance their consumption.
If they poured too much, these self-draining chalices would prevent the students from ending up in their cups, so to speak.
The Scottish Lass Goes To Dentist
A young man from the city
14.
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table
15.
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up.
The dentist was shocked and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP. I’m not a gynecologist!”
“I know,” said the old lady.
“I just want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
John goes to a doctor
Karen goes to the doctor
An old lady went to visit her dentist.
When it was her turn, she sat in the chair, lowered her underpants, and raised her skinny legs all the way up.
The dentist was shocked and with his eyes wide open he screamed: “MADAM, PLEASE PULL YOUR PANTS BACK UP. I’m not a gynecologist!”
“I know,” said the old lady.
“I just want you to take my husband’s teeth out.”
John goes to a doctor
Karen goes to the doctor
16.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.
“Don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
A Nazi walks into a bar
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy.
“Don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
A Nazi walks into a bar
A blonde and a brunette decided to rob
17.
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check.
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
First check up with his new Doctor
Jim grabbed his suitcase
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check.
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
First check up with his new Doctor
Jim grabbed his suitcase
18.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
19.
They each say excuse me and the young man says, “I’m sorry I bumped into you, it’s just that I’m looking for my wife.”
I lost her somewhere in another aisle.
The old man says, “I am also looking for my wife let’s help each other tell me what does your wife look like?”
The young man replies, “She’s a buxom blonde, 25 years old, has long legs and is wearing a short skirt.
Now tell me what does your wife look like?”
The old man replies, “Who? Oh, right never-mind that, let’s go look for your wife!”
A Wild Boar & Fox
Bidding at a local auction
They each say excuse me and the young man says, “I’m sorry I bumped into you, it’s just that I’m looking for my wife.”
I lost her somewhere in another aisle.
The old man says, “I am also looking for my wife let’s help each other tell me what does your wife look like?”
The young man replies, “She’s a buxom blonde, 25 years old, has long legs and is wearing a short skirt.
Now tell me what does your wife look like?”
The old man replies, “Who? Oh, right never-mind that, let’s go look for your wife!”
A Wild Boar & Fox
Bidding at a local auction
20.
Today I went to the children’s daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright.
That poor kid’s parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
Today I went to the children’s daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid took a bite it sure killed alright.
That poor kid’s parents were not happy.
That damn 0.1% of bacteria killed the poor kid
I paid a visit to an art gallery today
Mickey Mouse steps into lawyers office
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Oscar Wilde Quotes 09
His Parents Look At Truck And Ask Funny
21.
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
A Wild Boar was sharpening his tusks busily against the stump of a tree, when a Fox happened by.
Now the Fox was always looking for a chance to make fun of his neighbors.
So he made a great show of looking anxiously about, as if in fear of some hidden enemy
But the Boar kept right on with his work.
“Why are you doing that?” asked the Fox at last with a grin.
“There isn’t any danger that I can see.”
“True enough,” replied the Boar, “but when danger does come there will not be time for such work as this my weapons will have to be ready for use then, or I shall suffer for it.”
Moral: Preparedness for war is the best guarantee of peace.
The manager of a men’s clothing store
The old man and young man
22.
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
Three women are talking about their make love lives.
One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.”
The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.”
The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman.’
“Why the ‘Postman’?” asks one of them.
“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!” says the woman.
A grade school teacher was asking students
A magician was working on a cruise ship
23.
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19 we have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.
He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John.
A frail old man went to live
The Sick Lion & The Fox
The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV.
My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back home to get my husband’s help.
When I got home I couldn’t believe my eyes.
He was in the bedroom with our neighbor’s daughter.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19 we have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he’d been having an affair for the past six months.
He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila.
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps, John.
A frail old man went to live
The Sick Lion & The Fox
24.
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
Paddy and Murphy were watching a John Wayne movie.
Paddy said to Murphy,
“I bet you €5 John Wayne falls off this horse and the horse goes over the cliff.”
Murphy said,
“Ok Paddy.” So there they are, watching the film and John Wayne falls off the horse and the horse goes over the cliff.
Paddy turns round to Murphy.
“I told you what would happen.”
Murphy said,
“You’re right Paddy, there you go €5.
Paddy thinks and at the end of the film, says.
“I feel pretty bad here Murphy.”
“Why that Paddy?”
“Because I’ve seen this film before.”
Murphy says,
“So have I, but I didn’t expect him to make the same mistake twice.”
A rancher was minding his own business
The wise man
25.
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
A man and his wife are traveling
A maid asks the lady of the house
A teacher was helping one of her kindergarten kids put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why.
With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on.
When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off then it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream,
“Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.”
She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry.
She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?”
He said, “I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…”
A man and his wife are traveling
A maid asks the lady of the house
26.
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim.
This was the response: “I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident I’am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.”
When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools you will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being lifted off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower in the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down this explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Sally was driving home
A Swedish truck
An insurance company asked for more information regarding a work-related accident claim.
This was the response: “I put ‘poor planning’ as the cause of my accident I’am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower.”
When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware.
Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel.
Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools you will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being lifted off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower in the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down this explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Sally was driving home
A Swedish truck
27.
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
A man went into a bar in a high rise.
He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out.
He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill.
The flier said it was his last one.
The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars.
The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar.
The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death.
The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, “You sure are mean when you’re drunk, Superman.”
Little Johnny was eating breakfast
A couple had been married for 25 years
28.
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
29.
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
A man and a woman, who had never met before
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room
the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied.
“Just for tonight, why don’t we pretend that we’re married?”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!!” he is excited.
And she said.
“Then get up and take it yourself”!!
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention
A man walks into a Bank gets in line
30.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher what can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-old’s how to read?”
So he is teleport-ed into a classroom after a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter all you do is carry food back and forth this’ll be a breeze” so he is teleport-ed to a restaurant.
After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Fox & Grapes
The teacher begins her lesson
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”
The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher what can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-old’s how to read?”
So he is teleport-ed into a classroom after a few minutes, all the kids’ screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says “I’ll be a waiter all you do is carry food back and forth this’ll be a breeze” so he is teleport-ed to a restaurant.
After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says “I’ll be an artist” so he is transported to an art facility.
He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars.
The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says “I got a masters degree in art.”
Fox & Grapes
The teacher begins her lesson
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