1.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A man is in bed with his wife
Mailmen Get It Regular
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A man is in bed with his wife
Mailmen Get It Regular
2.
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
A man was driving down the highway when another car starts to tailgate him.
To make some room between them, the man in front speeds up and pulls ahead.
As he speeds up, the car behind him speeds up and matches his speed.
Again, the man speeds up to make some room between the two cars.
Again, the car behind him speeds up and continues to tailgate home.
To make matters work, the man’s wife calls his cell phone.
“Hey, dear, sorry I can’t talk right now.
I’m on the highway going ninety miles per hour but this bozo is still tailgating me like crazy.
And to make matters worse,” the man continues, “he’s blinding me with his red and blue lights.”
Three guys were walking through
Little kids want to help you
3.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
4.
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.
The Scot jumped off and shouted
“God save Scotland!”
The English man jumped off and shouted
“God Save England!”
The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted
“God save the person who I land on!”
MY SUSPENDERS ARE CAUGHT IN YOUR CAR DOOR
A police officer asks a thief
5.
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
An elderly man goes into a mental institution and talks to the doctor in charge.
He asks the doctor how a patient is actually admitted to the mental institution.
The doctor says, ‘well, we send each patient into a room filled with a bathtub full of water. We then hand each patient a spoon, a ladle and a bucket, and ask them to empty the tub the fastest way possible.’
The man says, ‘oh, I get it, the sane people use the bucket, since it’s the biggest?!’
The doctor replies, ‘no, sane people pull the plug! Would you like a window room with a view?!’
Two friends are having drinks
A man goes to confess
6.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00,…
because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:
“To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a monkey.
The shop owner points to 3 identical looking monkeys on a perch and says the monkey on the left cost $ 500.00
Why does that one cost so much? asked the shopper.
The owner says well the monkey knows how to use a computer.
The man then asks about the next monkey and was told that this one cost $1000.00,…
because it can do everything the other monkey can do plus he knows the Unix operating system.
Naturally the increasingly startled man asks about the third monkey to be told that it costs $ 2000.00
Needles to say this begs the question.
What can it do?
To which the owner replies:
“To be honest I have never seen him do a thing but the other two call him BOSS
The Grandmother of a just got married grandson
Seems there was a treasure ship on its way
7.
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
8.
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly.
Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others.
I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy.
I am a bride of Christ.
I am doing what I love.
I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me.
I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes.
They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God.
“Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere.
But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the nun.
“They’re so hard to peel…”
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
Two friends went to interview
9.
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
This young woman ran up to me at the cemetery and said “I need to pass through the cemetery but I’m scared to walk alone.
Can you walk with me across?” “Sure.”
I said, being the gentleman I am.
As we walked through, she told me that she had tried to ask other guys before me, but no one would do it.
What has come of this world, when a man won’t give a hand to lovely lady to walk her through a dark place.
“Thank God you’re not like that.”
She smiled at me. “I suppose it’s silly, being afraid of cemeteries at my age.”
I said “Oh yeah of course.
Don’t worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive.
A woman has to go to Italy
Blowing Bubbles
10.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
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11.
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food,
they hadn’t seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before,
the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle,
they pulled it out of the water and tried to wipe off its label,
When they wiped it off a genie emerged from the bottle and told them that they were to be given one wish and one wish alone,
the first drunk looked at the other with a smile on his face and said,
“Finally my friend we can go home! We can get off this boat and see our fami”..
the first drunk didn’t even have time to finish his sentence when the second one shouted out
“I WISH THAT THE ENTIRE OCEAN WAS MADE OF BEER!”
The genie said “wish granted,” snapped his fingers and turned the entire ocean into beer,
then disappears as the bottle turns to dust,
the first drunk looks at the other with the most furious expression on his face and screams
“YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH NOW WE HAVE TO PISS IN THE BOAT!
A US Sailor is in a Mexican
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
Two drunks were lost in the middle of the ocean
The pair had been adrift for six days in a life boat with no water or food,
they hadn’t seen any ships or aircraft, and worst of all they had completely run out of beer three days before,
the two had nearly given up hope when suddenly they came across an ancient looking bottle,
they pulled it out of the water and tried to wipe off its label,
When they wiped it off a genie emerged from the bottle and told them that they were to be given one wish and one wish alone,
the first drunk looked at the other with a smile on his face and said,
“Finally my friend we can go home! We can get off this boat and see our fami”..
the first drunk didn’t even have time to finish his sentence when the second one shouted out
“I WISH THAT THE ENTIRE OCEAN WAS MADE OF BEER!”
The genie said “wish granted,” snapped his fingers and turned the entire ocean into beer,
then disappears as the bottle turns to dust,
the first drunk looks at the other with the most furious expression on his face and screams
“YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH NOW WE HAVE TO PISS IN THE BOAT!
A US Sailor is in a Mexican
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
12.
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.
Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.
“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”
The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.
All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.
He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.
“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”
The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.
He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”
Still, the old man refused.
Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”
The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.
“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.
Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.
A wife was making a breakfast
The big game hunter
The old beady-eyed moderator in charge of the classroom stared towards the clock at the end of the room as the students furiously scribbled down the remainder of their answers, knowing that time was almost up.
Minutes later, the clock struck a new hour and the exam was over.
“YOUR TIME IS UP!” The grouchy supervisor barked, “Please hand in your papers into a pile on my desk.”
The students quietly got up, breathing sighs of relief as they quickly made a pile of test papers as they filed out of the classroom.
All except for one boy who was still finishing off his last answer.
He only finished 20 seconds after the rest of his classmates did, but when he got up to place his exam on the pile, the old man gestured for him to stop.
“Too late,” The old man sneered, “You should’ve handed in your paper earlier.”
The student’s mouth fell agape this wasn’t fair at all.
He stammered for a moment saying, “Hey, come on, I-I should be allowed to h-hand this in.”
Still, the old man refused.
Then the student said smugly, “Do you even know who I am?”
The old man looked up at him through his glasses, almost astounded by how smug this idiotic boy was acting.
“No, I do not,” The moderator replied.
Almost immediately, the student just said, “Good,” as he shoved his paper into the middle of the pile and then ran out of the room.
A wife was making a breakfast
The big game hunter
13.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
14.
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
Obi Wan Kenobi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap. He mind controls his caddy to mark it a hole-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the hole.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!!!”
A police officer asks a thief
A Father’s Last Request
15.
One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.
“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.
“Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”
Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.
Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.
“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”
A man and his wife were at odds
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
One man was reading the newspaper in the afternoon when his wife suddenly came out from behind him and hit him in the head with the pan.
“Why did you do that?!” He shouted. “I found a piece of paper in your coat pocket, with the name ‘Suzy’ on it.” She answered.
“Jesus Christ, honey, remember that last week I went out with friends to hang out at the racing track?”
Susy was the name of the horse I was betting on.“ The woman was silent.
Three days later, as he read the newspaper again, his wife emerged from behind him and hit him again on his head with the frying pan.
“Why did you do that this time?!” He shouted. “I just wanted to let you know… your horse called.”
A man and his wife were at odds
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself
16.
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
The hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail.
Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck.
After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried.
“Thank God, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”
Harry was sick and tired
Sally walked in to the Dentist office
17.
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
A man is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years.
One day, he sees a speck in the horizon.
He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.”
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.”
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.”
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!”, he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.
He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping a longer zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some real fun?”
And the man replies, “Wow! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
Two lawyers met at a cocktail party
Two women were playing a round of golf
18.
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar.
It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by.
He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track.
He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”.
The man can’t believe it.
He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store
John goes to the deli for some soup
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar.
It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by.
He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track.
He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”.
The man can’t believe it.
He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store
John goes to the deli for some soup
19.
An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems.
“Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn’t smell or make noise.”
The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks.
After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, “Doctor, I don’t know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!”
The doctor said, “I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
An elderly woman went to the doctor complaining of recent intestinal problems.
“Doctor I have terrible gas lately, but it doesn’t smell or make noise.”
The doctor prescribed some pills and told the elderly woman to return in two weeks.
After two weeks the woman returned to the doctor saying, “Doctor, I don’t know what were in those pills, but now my gas smells terrible!”
The doctor said, “I see we have cleared up your sinuses. Now let’s work on your hearing.”
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink
A drunk ice fisherman drills a hole
20.
Peter comes very drunk home late at night.
He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A man and his wife were at odds
Peter comes very drunk home late at night.
He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
“No”, she replies sleepily.
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having to do anything. I think I’m getting super powers!”
Emily replies groans: “Oh no, Peter! You pig, you just peed into the fridge again!!!
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A man and his wife were at odds
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21.
The pilot complains about the airman’s attitude, but his comeback is priceless
During the pilot’s pref-light check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished”.
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
“Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force.
I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer’s asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump she out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two friends were walking through
The pilot complains about the airman’s attitude, but his comeback is priceless
During the pilot’s pref-light check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.
So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do
Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.
As he’s leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, “Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I’m going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished”.
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says,
“Sir, with all due respect, I’m not your son; I’m an Airman in the United States Air Force.
I’ve been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer’s asses are beginning to look pretty good to me.
I have one stripe; it’s two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump she out of an aircraft.
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?”
A foursome of senior golfers
Two friends were walking through
22.
Little Johnny and his family often traveled to visit his grandmother for meals during the holiday season and special events Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
One day, Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.
“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
A man shops for groceries with his wife
A couple were talking on the phone
Little Johnny and his family often traveled to visit his grandmother for meals during the holiday season and special events Easter Sunday, Thanksgiving, Christmas.
One day, Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do” his mother insisted.
“We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained.
“But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
A man shops for groceries with his wife
A couple were talking on the phone
23.
Two blondes were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
A Texan was taking a taxi tour
A hunter ventures into the forest
Two blondes were working on a house.
The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in.
The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, “Why are you throwing those nails away?”
The first explained, “If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it’s pointed toward me, I throw it away ’cause it’s defective. If it’s pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!”
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, “You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!”
A Texan was taking a taxi tour
A hunter ventures into the forest
24.
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor,
“Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself,
“I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
then in a normal tone he asks,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response,
So; He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her and asked,…
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“James, for the FIFTH time, I’ve said, CHICKEN!,…” Said the wife.
A woman goes to Italy
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite
An elderly man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
“Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor,
“Stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.
He says to himself,
“I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
then in a normal tone he asks,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response,
So; He walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her and asked,…
“Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“James, for the FIFTH time, I’ve said, CHICKEN!,…” Said the wife.
A woman goes to Italy
Jonesey bought a donkey from Brathwaite
25.
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche, leaving his parents in shock.
“Where did you get that car?!” they yelled.
“I bought it,” the boy replied calmly.
“With what money?” his parents demanded. “We know what a Porsche costs!”
“This one was just $15,” he said, shrugging.
His parents were baffled. “Who sells a Porsche for $15!?”
“The lady up the street,” the boy explained.
“She said I could have it for $15 when I rode by on my bike.”
Panicked, the mother exclaimed, “She must be out of her mind! John, go figure this out!”
The father marched to the woman’s house, finding her peacefully gardening.
He demanded to know why she sold the car for $15.
With a smirk, she said, “My husband called from Hawaii. Turns out, he ran off with his secretary, and she cleaned him out. Broke and stranded, he begged me to sell his Porsche and send him the money… So, I did exactly what he asked.”
A famous doctor was being interviewed
There were two men at a bar
A 15-year-old rolled up at home in a shiny Porsche, leaving his parents in shock.
“Where did you get that car?!” they yelled.
“I bought it,” the boy replied calmly.
“With what money?” his parents demanded. “We know what a Porsche costs!”
“This one was just $15,” he said, shrugging.
His parents were baffled. “Who sells a Porsche for $15!?”
“The lady up the street,” the boy explained.
“She said I could have it for $15 when I rode by on my bike.”
Panicked, the mother exclaimed, “She must be out of her mind! John, go figure this out!”
The father marched to the woman’s house, finding her peacefully gardening.
He demanded to know why she sold the car for $15.
With a smirk, she said, “My husband called from Hawaii. Turns out, he ran off with his secretary, and she cleaned him out. Broke and stranded, he begged me to sell his Porsche and send him the money… So, I did exactly what he asked.”
A famous doctor was being interviewed
There were two men at a bar
26.
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day.
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
OK Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “self enjoyment.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful.”
No Mam, your thinking of self enjoyment, and that’s only two syllables.
She says to the children
A boy was standing in front of the polar
The first-grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words,
She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?
After some thought, Jane proudly replied with Monday.
Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon……day.
Does anyone know another word?
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny’s more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
OK Mike, what is your word.
Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables.
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says ” I know a four-syllable word, pick me…..”
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says,
“O.K. Johnny, what is your four syllable word?”
Johnny proudly says, “self enjoyment.”
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
“Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful.”
No Mam, your thinking of self enjoyment, and that’s only two syllables.
She says to the children
A boy was standing in front of the polar
27.
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, “What’ll it be buddy?”
The man says, “Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles.”
The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.
Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he’s doing all this drinking.
“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”
The bartender hastily asks, “What do you have pal?”
The man quickly replies, “I have a dollar.”
A psychiatrist met an old patient
Two little kids are in a hospital
28.
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
29.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
30.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if.”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Ole and Lena are having make love
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children.
Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
“Darling wife,” the husband whispers, “assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if.”
The wife gently interrupts him. “Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother’s grave that you are his father.”
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
A couple in their nineties were both having problems
Ole and Lena are having make love
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eng jokes