1.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.
After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained.
“But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife.
“That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
A couple that had been married
John asks his wife Mary
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed.
After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling bad about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked.
“One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
“But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained.
“But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.”
“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife.
“That’s what started the argument in the first place.”
A couple that had been married
John asks his wife Mary
2.
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
A beautiful, good looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him “Can you help me remove something from my corset please?”
‘The exciting young man replied, “Wow! It will be my pleasure……. So what is it?”
“Your Eyes, idiot!”
Two Irishmen were talking
Two drunks are driving down the highway
3.
A 5-year-old son Little Johnny after reading the story of a king.
Johnny: Mom, I also want 3 wives. one will cook, one will sing, and one will bathe me.
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Johnny:..No mom, I will still sleep with you…Mom’s eyes filled up with tears God bless you, son.
Mom:…but who will sleep with your 3 wives.
Johnny: Let them sleep with daddy…
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears… God bless you, son!
Johnny decided to ask his dad
Frank and Jim are walking down
A 5-year-old son Little Johnny after reading the story of a king.
Johnny: Mom, I also want 3 wives. one will cook, one will sing, and one will bathe me.
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Johnny:..No mom, I will still sleep with you…Mom’s eyes filled up with tears God bless you, son.
Mom:…but who will sleep with your 3 wives.
Johnny: Let them sleep with daddy…
Daddy’s eyes filled up with tears… God bless you, son!
Johnny decided to ask his dad
Frank and Jim are walking down
4.
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said,
“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!”
Two men are having golf
A elderly Pope goes to New York
The professor showed a large cage with a male rat in it.
The rat was in the middle of the cage.
Then, the professor kept a piece of cake on one side and kept a female rat on the other side.
The male rat ran towards the cake and ate it.
Then, the professor changed the cake and replaced it with some bread.
The male rat ran towards the bread.
This experiment went on with the professor changing the food every time.
And, every time, the male rat ran towards the food item and never towards the female rat.
Professor said: This experiment shows that food is the greatest strength and attraction.
Then, one of the students from the back rows said,
“Sir, why don’t you change the female rat? This one may be his wife!”
Two men are having golf
A elderly Pope goes to New York
5.
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
6.
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
A police car pulled up in front of grandma Bessie’s house, and grandpa got out.
The polite policeman explained that the elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn’t find his way home.
“Morris,” said grandma, “you’ve been going to that park for over 30 years, how come you get lost today?”
Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn’t hear, grandpa whispered,
“I wasn’t lost. I was just too tired to walk home.”
The court why you want a divorce
The husband called the wife on the phone
7.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.
A little girl raised her hand.
“I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some children’s stories could become, asked the little girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl.
“My kitty raised her back and went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!’.”
The boy working in that department
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.
A little girl raised her hand.
“I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some children’s stories could become, asked the little girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start, and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must have been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl.
“My kitty raised her back and went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff!’.”
The boy working in that department
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
8.
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce.
Remember this: you must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up
“You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the pastor
“He gets $2,000
You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the pastor
“You split it equally.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye
“What about our three children?”
The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution.
“Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.
Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head.
“No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out
If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Cimon And Pero’s Story
A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor.
The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant.
“Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce.
Remember this: you must divide your property equally.”
The wife flared up
“You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?”
“Yes,” said the pastor
“He gets $2,000
You get $2,000.”
“What about my furniture? I paid for that.”
“Same thing,” answered the pastor
“You split it equally.”
There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye
“What about our three children?”
The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution.
“Go back and live together until your fourth child is born.
Then you take two children and your husband takes two.”
The wife shook her head.
“No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out
If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”
The baker decided to weigh the butter
Cimon And Pero’s Story
9.
One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.
He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.
On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red.
“I’m here for the party” says his friend. “I’m red, because I’m angry”.
The host welcomes his friend, and goes back to his party.
A little while later, the doorbell rings again.
The man opens the door, and is greeted by a man in a green morph suit.
“I’m here for the party” says the guest, “and I’m green with envy”.
The man welcomes this person in as well.
A short time later, the doorbell rings again.
At the door are two undressed men.
One has his weapon in a hollowed-out pear, and the other has his tool in a bowl of custard.
The man is dumbfounded.
“This is an emotion costume party, I am afraid that I can’t let you in dressed like that”.
The man with a pear on his weapon says in a deep-south accent; “we are dressed as emotions. Can we come in?”
“OK, you can come in if you can tell me how you are possibly dressed as emotions”, says the man.
“Well, you see, I am deep in dis’ pear, and my friend here… Well… He is bang’ dis’ custard”.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
After a long night of making love
One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.
He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.
On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red.
“I’m here for the party” says his friend. “I’m red, because I’m angry”.
The host welcomes his friend, and goes back to his party.
A little while later, the doorbell rings again.
The man opens the door, and is greeted by a man in a green morph suit.
“I’m here for the party” says the guest, “and I’m green with envy”.
The man welcomes this person in as well.
A short time later, the doorbell rings again.
At the door are two undressed men.
One has his weapon in a hollowed-out pear, and the other has his tool in a bowl of custard.
The man is dumbfounded.
“This is an emotion costume party, I am afraid that I can’t let you in dressed like that”.
The man with a pear on his weapon says in a deep-south accent; “we are dressed as emotions. Can we come in?”
“OK, you can come in if you can tell me how you are possibly dressed as emotions”, says the man.
“Well, you see, I am deep in dis’ pear, and my friend here… Well… He is bang’ dis’ custard”.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
After a long night of making love
10.
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
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11.
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line.
At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said,…
…”is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead!”
It had been a tricky question!
The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,
immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory,
but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said,
“Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights.
And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words,
“Dead. But your father is still fishing at Bighorn River, Montana.”
Once upon a time a married couple
What is Celibacy
12.
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America.
One asks the other, “What is the first thing you are going to do when you get to America?”
The second one replies, “Since I am going to become an American the first thing I am going to do is eat American food to start the process.”
The first one agrees that this is a great idea and decides to join him.
The ship docks and they leave looking for ‘American’ food.
They see a hot dog cart and head right over.
As they are walking away, the first one opens his wrapper and stares for a moment, then turns to the other and asks,
“So what part of the dog did you get?”
A rather virtuous young couple marry
A boy and his dad are walking through the park
13.
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
14.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
15.
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
A man goes into a cafe and sits down.
A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, “What’s the special of the day?”
“Chili,” she says, “but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl.”
The man says he’ll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it.
As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.
“Are you going to eat your chili?” he asked.
“No, help yourself,” replied his neighbor.
The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili.
When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl.
Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him says, “Yeah, that’s as far as I got, too.”
A old lady was stopped
The defense lawyer asks Sam
16.
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.”
One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road.
The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too we had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself.”
Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
He goes to his doctor for a complete checkup
A funeral service is held for a woman
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens.”
One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road.
The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.
The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too we had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.”
The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched .
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself.”
Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
He goes to his doctor for a complete checkup
A funeral service is held for a woman
17.
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the movie channel.
He looked at her and asked, “Do you think we can still do that?”
“Well, we can sure try!” she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom.
He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom.
When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
“What are you doing, sweetheart?” he asked.
“Well,” she replied, “I thought if you couldn’t get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!”
A family are driving in their car
The man calls the manager and says
18.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
19.
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s shenanigans, they fell asleep and woke up at around 10 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she complied nonetheless.
He proceeded to slip his shoes on and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until now.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and shouted: “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
He gets into the taxi
A old lady walked into the Bank
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them and they took off to her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s shenanigans, they fell asleep and woke up at around 10 pm.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Mystified, she complied nonetheless.
He proceeded to slip his shoes on and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until now.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and shouted: “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
He gets into the taxi
A old lady walked into the Bank
20.
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
Predicting the weather
How to catch an elephant
After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
“Doctor,” the man said,
“I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”
“Nonsense,” the doctor said.
“Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”
“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted.
“This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”
“Well,” said the doctor,
“let me ask you this. How often do you have s*x?”
The man seemed a bit ashamed.
“I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”
“Well, there you have it!”
The doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”
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21.
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
Wife sent a message to her husband: Don’t forget to buy vegetables on your way back from office, and says hi to you.
Husband: Who is Rita?
Wife: Nothing, I was just making sure that you read my message or not
Twist in the tale…..
Husband: But I’m with Lisa, which Lisa are you talking about?
Wife: where are you….?
Husband: near vegetable market.
Wife: wait I will come there.
After 10 minutes she texts her husband “where are you”?
Husband: “I m at office, now buy whatever vegetables you need.”
She was going around in turn asking
A man and his wife are traveling
22.
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.
The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,”Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit.”
“I’m real sorry about that neighbor, I’ll try to keep him penned up.”
“Next time,as God as my witness, I’ll shoot that dog of yours,”and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it’s mouth.
The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,
blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit,
and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work
.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don’t look like the guilty culprit.
As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face.”Something wrong neighbor?”
“Yeah.My rabbit died” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
“Yeah,but what I don’t understand is some sick basterd dug him up,
fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
The police stops a man and woman
A guy had a dog that kept getting into the neighbors backyard.
The neighbor would come over, banging on the door,screaming,”Your dog has been in my yard again,digging holes and scaring my rabbit.”
“I’m real sorry about that neighbor, I’ll try to keep him penned up.”
“Next time,as God as my witness, I’ll shoot that dog of yours,”and his neighbor storms off.
The following day the man is calling for his dog,and the dog comes crawling from under his neighbors fence with dirt all over his face and a dead rabbit in it’s mouth.
The guy thinks up a plan.He takes the rabbit,gets him cleaned up,
blow dries him and fluffs him up a bit,
and puts him in his cage before his neighbor makes it home from work
.He then grabs his dog,puts him in the car and drives around until his neighbor gets home so he don’t look like the guilty culprit.
As he arrives home,there his neighbor is,standing on his front lawn,with a puzzled look on his face.”Something wrong neighbor?”
“Yeah.My rabbit died” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that.”
“Yeah,but what I don’t understand is some sick basterd dug him up,
fluffed him up,and stuck him back in his cage!”
The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk
The police stops a man and woman
23.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer
24.
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I’m in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With you!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? It’s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don’t want a child.”
“Oh, don’t worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I’ll use a rubber!”
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor
A young man asked an old rich man
25.
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”
Two old women were talking
A man goes to the doctor and says
A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous.
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit came to his table and asked if he was ready to order:
“What would you like, sir?”
He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, “A quickie.”
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,
“What would you like, sir?”
Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
“A quickie, please.”
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding “SMACK!” and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
“Um, I think it’s pronounced ‘QUICHE.’”
Two old women were talking
A man goes to the doctor and says
26.
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said,
“Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary
and the teacher said, “Very good,”
and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady
A man decides to take the opportunity
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,
“Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?”
When Mary didn’t stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her,
took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.
“God Almighty!” shouted Mary and the teacher said,
“Very good” and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, “Who is our Lord and Savior?”
But Mary didn’t even stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.
“Jesus Christ!” shouted Mary
and the teacher said, “Very good,”
and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question,
“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”
And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.
This time Mary jumped up and shouted,
“If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!”
The Teacher fainted.
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady
A man decides to take the opportunity
27.
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bast…, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, make love orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to.
The ‘violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re!”
Two months later they’re in court.
The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined..”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
Test their skills in recognizing
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light.
The driver is a real bast…, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, make love orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket.
He then hands it to.
The ‘violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember that you’re!”
Two months later they’re in court.
The ‘violator’ has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?”
Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.”
Lawyer: “Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don’t normally make?”
“Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH,” underlined..”
“What does the “AH” stand for, officer?”
“Aggressive and hostile, Sir.”
“Aggressive and hostile?”
“Yes, Sir.
“Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand?”
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car
Test their skills in recognizing
28.
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child
“Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed in an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle…
“They’re looking for me.”
A Mr.Smith was on his death bed
They get back together to discuss
29.
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
30.
A man finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a Genie emerges.
The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The man is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!”
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A man walks into the psychiatrist
A man finds a lamp.
He rubs it and a Genie emerges.
The Genie tells him he will be granted three wishes.
The man thinks for a moment and says, “First, give me a bottomless mug of beer.”
A mug of beer appears in his hand. He sips it once, then again and the mug is magically refilled.
The man is thrilled and continues to drink.
The mug never empties.
Then the Genie says, “And what about your other two wishes?”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Give me two more just like this one!”
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A man walks into the psychiatrist
Tags:
eng jokes