1.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a pure.”
“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?”
“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A blonde goes into a store
A old man going to confession
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a pure.”
“What??” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but why?”
“Oh, you’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A blonde goes into a store
A old man going to confession
2.
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
3.
A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.
“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.
His mother asked, “What was the question?”
“Where’s Portugal.”
“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”
She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal.
Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal.
She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.
“I swear Portugal can’t be far.
The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”
My wife told me to go to the doctors
A elderly gentleman was on his deathbed
A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.
“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.
His mother asked, “What was the question?”
“Where’s Portugal.”
“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”
She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal.
Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal.
She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.
“I swear Portugal can’t be far.
The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”
My wife told me to go to the doctors
A elderly gentleman was on his deathbed
4.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean.
Then I realized that Matty had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him, and he said, “No.”
I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I didn’t have any clothes with me.”
I asked again: “Matty, are you sure you did not have an accident?”
“No,” he replied. I just knew that he must have because the smell was getting worse.
Sooooo… I asked one more time: “Matty, did you have an accident?”
Stopped by an old gentleman Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled, “SEE, MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!!”
While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
Johnny went to confession
A doctor drives by a small town
5.
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
6.
Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section.
When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
“Can I help you?” she asks.
“Well I don’t know” the man responds,
“I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
A professor of chemistry
She was a little bit apprehensive
Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section.
When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help.
“Can I help you?” she asks.
“Well I don’t know” the man responds,
“I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”
A professor of chemistry
She was a little bit apprehensive
7.
A doctor drives by a small town.
He stops at a gas station & notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by & tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner’s daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night & goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in & looks at the open casket & notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father Sir, I’m a doctor & I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”
“What do we do now?” asks the father.
“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.
“Yes,” replies the father.
“Take her to a room & have the boyfriend have bed time with her.”
They do as the doctor said & sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy & the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by & the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again, Doctor, it is so great to see you again.
About a week ago Mrs. Edward died.
Half of the town has bang her already but she is just not waking up.”
I smelled something funny
Man was travelling through
A doctor drives by a small town.
He stops at a gas station & notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by & tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner’s daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night & goes to the funeral.
When he gets there he goes in & looks at the open casket & notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father Sir, I’m a doctor & I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep.”
“What do we do now?” asks the father.
“Does she have a boyfriend?”, asks the doctor.
“Yes,” replies the father.
“Take her to a room & have the boyfriend have bed time with her.”
They do as the doctor said & sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy & the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by & the doctor returns to the same gas station.
The same kid greets him again, Doctor, it is so great to see you again.
About a week ago Mrs. Edward died.
Half of the town has bang her already but she is just not waking up.”
I smelled something funny
Man was travelling through
8.
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: ‘What does the cow say?’
Child: ‘Moooo!’
Mother: ‘Great! What does the cat say?’
Child: ‘Meow.’
Mother: ‘Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?’
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, ‘Bud.’
A guy and a girl are lying
A old man and old woman are together
9.
There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her melons would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and the woman’s melons went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, “I’m sorry,” and her melons got one size bigger.
Then she’s walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, “Oh my god! A thousand apologies!”
This is a seed bank
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
There once was a girl who wasn’t feeling very pretty so she went to a genie to make her pretty.
The genie told her that to make her feel pretty, he would make it so that every time someone apologized to her her melons would increase by one size.
So the girl is walking down the street and someone bumps into her and says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and the woman’s melons went up one size.
Then someone accidentally stepped on her foot and said, “I’m sorry,” and her melons got one size bigger.
Then she’s walking down the street and a man from India bumps into her and says, “Oh my god! A thousand apologies!”
This is a seed bank
can I sleep with your 18 daughters?
10.
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
“$85 for an extraction, Ma’am,” was the dentists reply.
“Och huv ye nay got anything cheaper,” replies the Scottish lass getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, Ma’am,” replied the dentist.
“What abut if ye did nae use any anesthetic?” asked Maggie hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, Ma’am, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $65.”
“What abut if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi’ too anesthetic?” asked the Scottish lass.
“Well it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their level of professionalism
It’ll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40.”
“Och that’s still a bit much, how ab too if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watching’ and learning’?”
The dentist replied, “Well OK it’ll be good for the students, I suppose
I’ll charge you only $5 in that case, but it will be a traumatic experience.”
“Now yer talking’ laddie! It’s a deal,” said Maggie.
“Can ye book the hubby in for next Wednesday?”
A old Italian man goes to church for confession
A Greedy Cup
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11.
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”
The old farmer Peter replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”
The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial lawyers in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Alberta we settle small disagreements like this with the ‘Three Kick Rule.'”
The lawyer asked, “What is the ‘Three Kick Rule’?”
The Farmer replied, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger.
He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney his first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very slowly managed to get to his feet wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, you old fart now it’s my turn.
The old farmer smiled and said, “Nah, I give up you can have the duck.”
He dialed the employee’s home
A woman was at her hairdresser’s
12.
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful you guessed it blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls”.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked.
“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A older man was driving down
A police officer in a small town stopped
13.
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
14.
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
A very elderly couple is having their 75th wedding anniversary.
The man said to his wife, “Dear there is something that i must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child has never looked quite like the rest. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer could not take all of that away. But, I must know did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head unable to look her husband in the eye and then confessed.
“Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife had said had hit him harder than he expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally she says to her husband, “You.”
A young lady came home from a date
A 7 year old son came in from school today
15.
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
An elderly retired gentleman had had severe hearing problems for some time.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the man to hear better than he had ever heard before.
One month later, the elderly man went back again to the doctor.
The doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”
The gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
A man and his dog walk
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
16.
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man
17.
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you’re dragging”.
“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them!
Thanks for telling me, Officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money from? You didn’t steal it, did you?!”
“Oh, no no no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back-yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot
On game-days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot-hole in the fence, right into my flower garden!
It used to really tick me off kills the flowers you know?”
She continues, “Then, I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, on game-days, I stand behind the fence by the knot-hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence.
I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay buddy!
Give me $20 bucks, or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair”, said the cop, laughing alright, good luck!
And oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”.
Einstein says Let’s play a game
A fox observing a fish cart coming
One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.
Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag you’re dragging”.
“Oh, really? Darn it!”, said the old lady.
“I’d better go back and see if I can find them!
Thanks for telling me, Officer..”
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.
“Where did you get all that money from? You didn’t steal it, did you?!”
“Oh, no no no”, said the old lady.
“You see, my back-yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot
On game-days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot-hole in the fence, right into my flower garden!
It used to really tick me off kills the flowers you know?”
She continues, “Then, I thought, ‘why not make the best of it?’
So, now, on game-days, I stand behind the fence by the knot-hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence.
I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, ‘Okay buddy!
Give me $20 bucks, or off it comes!’
“Well, that seems only fair”, said the cop, laughing alright, good luck!
And oh, by the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well, you know”, said the little old lady, “not everybody pays”.
Einstein says Let’s play a game
A fox observing a fish cart coming
18.
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
Little Sally asked her dad if she could take her dog Fluffy far a walk around the block, he told her no because Fluffy was in heat.
Little Sally says what does in heat mean?
Without any explanation her dad took a rag with gas on it and wiped the dog’s rear end with it and told her to go around the block and come back straight home.
When she returned she was alone. Her dad asks; where is Fluffy?
Little Sally says, Fluffy ran out of gas a few blocks back and another dog is pushing her home.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed
A mother found a candy bar wrapper
19.
Three guys were at deer camp, they had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was Garry’s turn in the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof, I couldn’t sleep a wink, I just watched him all night.”
The third night was Herb’s turn.
Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
“Good morning,” he said.
The guys couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long.”
A man’s favorite donkey
A elderly carpenter
Three guys were at deer camp, they had to bunk two to a room.
No one wanted to room with Steve because he snored so badly.
They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first night, John slept in Steve’s room and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
The rest of the guys said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Steve snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was Garry’s turn in the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
Once again they asked, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, “Man, that Steve shakes the roof, I couldn’t sleep a wink, I just watched him all night.”
The third night was Herb’s turn.
Herb was a big burly guy who loved to fish and hunt — a man’s man.
The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
“Good morning,” he said.
The guys couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed.
I went and tucked Steve into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long.”
A man’s favorite donkey
A elderly carpenter
20.
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.
“My grandfather lived to be 96.”
“Ninety-six? What finally got him?”
“Liquor and women.”
“Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy, “both will get you in the end.”
“Well actually, no, it’s not what ya think.
Towards the end, Grandpa couldn’t get either one, so he just laid down and died.”
Three old men were talking
Two hunters get up early one morning
Two guys were discussing life in general over drinks one night.
“My grandfather lived to be 96.”
“Ninety-six? What finally got him?”
“Liquor and women.”
“Well, that just goes to show ya,” snickered the one guy, “both will get you in the end.”
“Well actually, no, it’s not what ya think.
Towards the end, Grandpa couldn’t get either one, so he just laid down and died.”
Three old men were talking
Two hunters get up early one morning
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21.
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar
Tax day, April 15, was looming when an elderly woman showed up at the IRS.
She said she required a thick stack of tax forms.
“Why so many?” the clerk asked.
“My son is stationed overseas,” she said.
“He asked me to pick up forms for the Marines on the base.”
“You shouldn’t have to do this,” the clerk told her.
“It’s the base commander’s job to make sure that his troops have access to the forms they need.”
“I know,” said the woman.
“I’m the base commander’s mother.”
A fox observing a fish cart coming
A Irishman walks into a bar
22.
A city boy driving through the country passes a chicken farm and he is doing 55 mph.
A chicken runs by and passes him inside of his fenced in field.
He thinks wow that is amazing.
He stops and pulls into the barnyard where he sees the farmer.
He said to the farmer, “I was driving along the road out there and one of your chickens passed me in my car.”
The farmer replies, “I know, I raise chickens and never seem to have enough chicken legs for the poultry plant, so I have genetically produced a chicken with three legs.”
The city boy replies, “wow that is fantastic, you ought to be rich now. How do they taste?”
The farmer replies “Don’t know, never been able to catch one!”
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A city boy driving through the country passes a chicken farm and he is doing 55 mph.
A chicken runs by and passes him inside of his fenced in field.
He thinks wow that is amazing.
He stops and pulls into the barnyard where he sees the farmer.
He said to the farmer, “I was driving along the road out there and one of your chickens passed me in my car.”
The farmer replies, “I know, I raise chickens and never seem to have enough chicken legs for the poultry plant, so I have genetically produced a chicken with three legs.”
The city boy replies, “wow that is fantastic, you ought to be rich now. How do they taste?”
The farmer replies “Don’t know, never been able to catch one!”
A wife asked her husband to describe her
Two elderly people living in a Florida
23.
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple He walks up to the driver’s side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband replies, “he wants my license!”
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he says I was speeding!”
As the officer looks at the license he notices they’re from Ohio
“you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable.”
She would never shut up, couldn’t cook worth s!!!!!!!t, constantly belittled me.
The old lady once again yells “what?! What did he say to you?”
The husband yells back “he said you two used to date!”
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper
A new young blonde bride calls her mother
24.
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.
“Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied, “Well Johnny, this sounds like a great quey for your mother.”
So off Johnny went to go ask his mother…
“Mom, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make a little cat but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s mom thought about it and said: “Well, Johnny, this sounds like a good question to ask Mr Jones down at the railroad yard.”
So off Johnny went to go ask Mr Jones.
“Mr Jones, why do big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Mr Jones looked at Johnny seriously and said, “Well Johnny, that because Union pacific always pulls out on time!”
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A little Johnny reading the story
25.
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
An elderly man went to a doctor with multiple complaints.
“I see spots before my eyes,” he said.
“It’s due to old age,” said the doctor.
“No food agrees with me,” said the man.
“That too is due to old age,” said the doctor.
“The digestive system becomes weaker as we grow older.”
“My back is giving trouble,” persisted the man.
“Sometimes the pain becomes unbearable.”
“Old age,” said the doctor.
This was too much for the man.
“Why do you go on saying ‘old age, old age’,” he screamed.
“If you cannot cure me, say so. I’ll go elsewhere.”
“See how easily you lost you temper,” said the doctor.
“That is another characteristic of old age.”
At last, old man slaps him, doctor asks,
“Why did you slap me?”
Old man said
“This is also due to old age, you see.”
Two men were waiting at a bus stop
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
26.
The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,
“Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
“What the hell do you think I am…
A STUNT DRIVER?”
Two Women riding in an elevator
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
The car speed off the highway, went through the guardrail, rolled down a cliff, bounced off a tree and finally shuddered to a stop.
A passing motorist, who had witnessed the entire accident, helped the miraculously unharmed driver out of the wreck.
“Good lord, mister,” he gasped,
“Are you drunk?”
“Of course,” said the man, brushing the dirt from his suit.
“What the hell do you think I am…
A STUNT DRIVER?”
Two Women riding in an elevator
Two old guys were sitting on a bus bench
27.
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
The salesman approaches the farmer and says, “Good day to you sir! I’d like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what.”
Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and without a word leads the man to the barn.
When they get there he says,
“You a good salesman? Let me tell you a story.”
“The other day I came out to milk old Bessie. I just got sat down behind her and she kicks me with her back left leg.”
“So I tied it to the stall. Then she kicks me with her back right leg. So I tied that to the stall, too. Then she swats me right in the face with her tail. So I tied a piece of twine to her tail and looped the other end
over the rafters.”
The salesman gives a puzzled nod, and the farmer continues.
“Then my wife walked into the barn and she sees me standing behind old Bessie.”
“Now, mister… if you can convince my wife I was only trying to MILK that cow I’ll buy one of your damn tractors.”
A baby turtle was standing
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
28.
A certain Rabbi was adored by the community; everyone was enchanted by what he said.
Except for Isaac, who never missed an opportunity to contradict the Rabbi’s interpretations and point out faults in his teachings.
The others were annoyed by Isaac, but could do nothing about it. One day, Isaac died.
During the funeral, the community noticed that the Rabbi was deeply upset.
Why are you so sad? someone commented.
He was always criticizing everything you said!
I am not upset for my friend who is now in heaven replied the Rabbi
I am upset for my own self
While everyone revered me, he challenged me, and I was obliged to improve.
Now he has gone, I am afraid I shall stop growing.
A armed robber
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
A certain Rabbi was adored by the community; everyone was enchanted by what he said.
Except for Isaac, who never missed an opportunity to contradict the Rabbi’s interpretations and point out faults in his teachings.
The others were annoyed by Isaac, but could do nothing about it. One day, Isaac died.
During the funeral, the community noticed that the Rabbi was deeply upset.
Why are you so sad? someone commented.
He was always criticizing everything you said!
I am not upset for my friend who is now in heaven replied the Rabbi
I am upset for my own self
While everyone revered me, he challenged me, and I was obliged to improve.
Now he has gone, I am afraid I shall stop growing.
A armed robber
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates
29.
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together.
One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”
The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”
The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”
“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”
A elderly man selected a primary care specialist
This guy knocks on a door
Three Russian men are sitting in a jail cell together.
One of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”
The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”
The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”
“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”
A elderly man selected a primary care specialist
This guy knocks on a door
30.
A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time….
It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story.
The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on.
“Well…” said the lady ” My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker.
“Wow such a diverse group of occupations!” said the reporter.
“How do you explain it?” “Well…” said the lady, ” one was for the money, two was for the show, three was to get ready, and four was to go.”
A man calls his house
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A 90 year old woman just got married for the 4th time….
It was big news in a small town and a local reporter wanted to interview the lady for a story.
The reporter asked the lady what professions her previous husbands had while they were married and before they passed on.
“Well…” said the lady ” My first husband was a banker, the second was a circus performer, my third was a Pastor and my fourth is an undertaker.
“Wow such a diverse group of occupations!” said the reporter.
“How do you explain it?” “Well…” said the lady, ” one was for the money, two was for the show, three was to get ready, and four was to go.”
A man calls his house
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
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