1.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
2.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
3.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says.
He’s never been with a call girl before, but he decides what the hell.
They’re going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it’s a police officer.
“What’s going on here, people?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop, “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “neither did I until you shined that light in her face.”
So my mom decided to sell her house
Three Engineers are Discussing God
4.
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
5.
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
6.
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer
Paddy’s friend is hit by a car so he phones for an ambulance.
Paddy: ‘Get an ambulance here quick, he’s bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broke.’
Operator: ‘What’s your location sir?’
Paddy: ‘Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street …’
Operator: ‘How do you spell that sir?’
Silence… (heavy breathing).
Operator: ‘Are you there sir?’
More heavy breathing a minute later.
Operator: ‘Sir, can you hear me?’
Repeated and repeated until….
Operator in mode: ‘Sir, please answer me can you still hear me?’
Paddy: ‘Sorry bout dat… I couldn’t spell Eucalyptus, so I’ve dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .’
A father buys a lie detector robot
A motorcycle police officer
7.
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator.
He says to the other patrons, “Here’s the deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and insert my genitals.
The gator will close his mouth for one full minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed .
If it works everyone buys me drinks.”
All of the other patrons clap and cheer. It’s a deal.
So the guy opens the gator’s mouth. The gator closes its mouth.
After a minute, the guy grabs a bottle and smashes it to the gator’s head, he opens the mouth and removes his genitals unharmed.
Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay $100 to anyone else who’s willing to give it a try.”
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the room. It’s a woman.
“I’ll try.” She says. “But you have to promise not to hit me with the beer bottle after the minute is up.”
Two 90 year old men
3 sailors get stranded on an island
8.
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother.
He says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says,
“Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your daddy a great big hug!”
He goes to the emergency room
A woman told to her husband
9.
An 87 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle and do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor replied, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”
A young woman visiting her new doctor
Mick Says To Paddy
An 87 year old man was having his annual checkup when the doctor asked how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he boasted.
“I’ve got an 18 year old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, Let me tell you a story.
I knew a guy who was an avid hunter.
He never missed a season but one day he went out in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.
The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him!
He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle and do you know what happened?” the doctor asked.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No, what?”
The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him.”
“That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man.
“Someone else must have shot the bear.”
The doctor replied, “That’s kind of what I’m getting at.”
A young woman visiting her new doctor
Mick Says To Paddy
10.
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
A man is talking to the family doctor.
“Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.”
The doctor answers, “Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.
Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.”
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
“Honey, what’s for dinner?” Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, “For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!”
A man walks into the front door
A New York Divorce Lawyer died
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11.
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me.” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
“How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but I still think my thumb’s broken.”
Adam was talking to his friend
A young couple on their wedding night
12.
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns
Jones came into the office an hour late
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half an hour.
Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns
Jones came into the office an hour late
13.
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home.
The teacher told the kids,
“As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave.
O.K,… Who said four score and seven years ago?”
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
“Yes, Johnny?”
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
“Very good, Lucy, you may go home now.”
Johnny was red in the face with anger.
The teacher then gave the next quote,
“Who said I have a dream..”
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again.
But this time Mary interjected and said “Martin Luther King.”
“Very good, Mary, you may go home now.”
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off.
But the teacher asked again,
“Who said ask not what your country can do for you?”
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly.
This time Rebecca chimed in and said, “JFK”
“Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now.”
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD!
He turns to the kid next to him and says,
“I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
“Who said that?” asked the teacher angrily.
“Bill Clinton,” said Johnny, “Can I go home now?”
The police stops a man and woman
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
It was the end of the school day and all of the kids were anxious to go home.
The teacher told the kids,
“As soon as you can name the speaker of a famous quote you may leave.
O.K,… Who said four score and seven years ago?”
Johnny lifts his hand in excitement.
“Yes, Johnny?”
But before he could answer, Lucy jumped in and said Abraham Lincoln.
“Very good, Lucy, you may go home now.”
Johnny was red in the face with anger.
The teacher then gave the next quote,
“Who said I have a dream..”
Johnny lifted his hand excitedly again.
But this time Mary interjected and said “Martin Luther King.”
“Very good, Mary, you may go home now.”
At this point Johnny was really frustrated and pissed off.
But the teacher asked again,
“Who said ask not what your country can do for you?”
Johnny knew this one, he raised his hand quickly.
This time Rebecca chimed in and said, “JFK”
“Very good, Rebecca, you may go home now.”
Now, Johnny was BOILING MAD!
He turns to the kid next to him and says,
“I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!”
“Who said that?” asked the teacher angrily.
“Bill Clinton,” said Johnny, “Can I go home now?”
The police stops a man and woman
There was a guy who bought an elderly circus elephant
14.
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls.
This continued every year.
They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.
His friends and family never asked about it, but they always wondered why he wished for nothing else.
Just ping-pong balls.
When he was 40, he wished for 40 ping-pong balls.
The time finally came for his 50th birthday party and he invited 50 people and said that each of them should bring 1 ping-pong ball each.
And they did. No questions asked.
The man turned 60 and guess what he wished for? That’s right. 60 ping-pong balls.
At 70 year old he got 70 ping-pong balls from his beloved wife and children.
At 80 years old, sadly, the man became sick. Very sick. He had to be put in a hospital.
On his deathbed, surrounded by his wife and children his wife asked him:
“My love, tell me. What were you going to do with all the ping-pong balls?”
He smiled at his wife.
“Well” he said. “I was going to use them for..”
Sadly he died before he could tell her.
My general was making so damn angry
A philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot
15.
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden
A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! But I hope you don’t mind me asking what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
A new soldier was on sentry duty
The old Josh was sat in his garden
16.
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
“Come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY.
I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life.”
I say I’m a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took home.
I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you show up and drink the whole thing! “But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
A old man and a young man
The town champion went to the Zen master
17.
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
Three men are playing golf at a Country Club: Obi Wan Ken-obi, Darth Maul and a very old man.
Obi Wan tees off and hits his ball in the sand trap.
He mind controls his candy to mark it a h*le-in-one.
Next Darth Maul hits his ball and it lands in the rough.
He walks over to his ball and uses the Force to throw it on the green.
Finally, the old man hits his ball over the trees and, into the parking lot, onto a parked car.
The man lifts the car using the Force and brings the car to the green and drops the car on green, the ball then falls of the car and into the h*le.
Obi Wan turns to Darth Maul and says, “Damn, I hate playing with Yoda!”
A man died and went to straight
A father buys a lie detector robot
18.
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
Jim was in a bad mood, and anyone who got in is way was going to regret it.
Jim walked into his favorite restaurant and plopped himself down on a chair.
“Get me a steak well done with mashed potatoes.”
Three minutes later when his order came, Jim screamed “DIDN’T YOU HEAR ME SAY WELL DONE?!”
“Why thank you sir” the waitress smiled, “that was the first compliment I got all day!”
A old couple were walking on beach
The cop pulled over an old lady
19.
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.
He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.
As he approached the line for the 3rd time he said,
“If you don’t let me unlock the door, you’ll never get in there!”
A frog in a trap
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
20.
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.
If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many cafes located throughout the area,” said Peter.
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,
“We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
Joe packs the picnic basket
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter.
Here is your Oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses.
If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many cafes located throughout the area,” said Peter.
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off,
“We could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t insisted on exercising three times a week and eating that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat food!”
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
Joe packs the picnic basket
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21.
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”
A horrible sunburn all over his body
There are three girls at a bar
An old man was a witness in a burglary case.
The defense lawyer asked Sam, “Did you see my client commit this burglary?”
“Yes,” said Sam, “I saw him plainly take the goods.”
The lawyer asks Sam again, “Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?”
“Yes, says Sam. “I saw him do it.”
Then the lawyer asks Sam, “Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?”
Sam says, “I can see the moon. How far is that?”
A horrible sunburn all over his body
There are three girls at a bar
22.
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two call girls and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an weapon.
His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of “Here I come again …ONE, TWO, THREE…UUH!” all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?”
The first mutters, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get a hard on.”
The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing? I couldn’t even get on the bang bed.”
A man walks into a drug store
A doctor goes to his office
23.
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
The husband picked up the phone
A man and his wife are dining at a table
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied.
“I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
The husband picked up the phone
A man and his wife are dining at a table
24.
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
A neighbor asked his friend
A waiter brings the customer the steak
A woman was getting swamped with calls from strangers.
A billing service had launched an 800 number that was identical to hers.
When she called to complain, she was told to get a new number.
“I’ve had mine for twenty years,” she pleaded. “Couldn’t you change yours?”
The company refused, so she said, “Fine. From now on, I’m going to tell everyone who calls that their bill is paid in full.”
The company got a new number the next day.
A neighbor asked his friend
A waiter brings the customer the steak
25.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him.
He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
“What’s the matter, dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room.
“Why are you down here at this time of night?”
The husband looks up, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?” he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched, thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses.
The words are not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the backseat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues, “Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years!”
“I remember that too,” she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today!”
Roger is a hard worker
Bob goes to see his friend Pete
26.
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
Harry had been feeling sick lately and was finally convinced to see the Doctor after his wife Suzy’s urging.
After a thorough examination, and much thought, the Doctor was ready to tell Harry and a very worried Suzy, his prognosis.
Harry was too stressed out.
He would need 6 months of pure relaxation.
Suzy, very agitated, took out her notepad to begin writing down his list of orders for these months of relaxation.
“How should I go about it?” asked Harry.
“OK” said the doctor “I would like your wife to take one tranquilizer four times a day.”
The CEO of a large company
Sam was the owner of a worldwide
27.
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax.
After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, “Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?”
“How dare you!” said the woman, “I’m not one of your cheap pickups!”
“Well, then,” said the beggar, “what are you doing in my bed?”
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes
A college teacher reminds her class
28.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
29.
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, “Excuse please, front private part so happy back private part whistle!
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A wife asked her husband to describe
A young Japanese girl had been taught all of her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon when the young Japanese bride crawled out of the bed after making love and she stooped down to pick up her husband’s clothes and she let out a big fart.
She looked up and said, “Excuse please, front private part so happy back private part whistle!
A man took his wife to a Broadway show
A wife asked her husband to describe
30.
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar.
It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by.
He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track.
He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”.
The man can’t believe it.
He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store
John goes to the deli for some soup
A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.
He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar.
It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by.
He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.
The man thinks “hmmmm… all these sevens… I think the universe is trying to tell me something.”
So feeling that maybe this is his lucky day, the man cuts out early from work and goes to the race track.
He reads the racing schedule and sees that in the seventh race horse # 7 is called “Lucky Universe”.
The man can’t believe it.
He runs up to the teller and bets all his money on the horse.
The horse came in seventh.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store
John goes to the deli for some soup
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