1.
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning.
“I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.
So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
“Hi there.” slurs the stranger, “Can you give me a push?”
“No, get lost, it’s half past three I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says,
Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again?
What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?
“But the guy was drunk.” says the husband.
“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife.
“He needs your help.”
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
“Hey, do you still want a push?”
He hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”
And the stranger replies: “I’m over here, on your swing.”
A woman’s husband had been slipping in coma
Three Brothers Get Married
2.
A man whose wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said “it’s a girl but theres another one on the way”
he rang again later and the nurse said “it’s another girl but they’re still coming!”
He rang once more and the nurse said “this one’s a boy but there’s still another coming!”
By this time he couldn’t stand it any more, his nerves were shot and he could barely dial the numbers,
so he went to the pub and got blisteringly drunk.
An hour later he was 3 sheets to the wind and more anxious than ever, but decided to finally call.
As he was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, he accidentally dialled the cricket results line.
They picked up and he asked nervously “…how many did we get mate?”
The person promptly replies “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck
A guy visits a carnival
Three ducks went to court
A man whose wife was pregnant couldn’t bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he’d ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said “it’s a girl but theres another one on the way”
he rang again later and the nurse said “it’s another girl but they’re still coming!”
He rang once more and the nurse said “this one’s a boy but there’s still another coming!”
By this time he couldn’t stand it any more, his nerves were shot and he could barely dial the numbers,
so he went to the pub and got blisteringly drunk.
An hour later he was 3 sheets to the wind and more anxious than ever, but decided to finally call.
As he was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, he accidentally dialled the cricket results line.
They picked up and he asked nervously “…how many did we get mate?”
The person promptly replies “198 all out…. and the last one was a duck
A guy visits a carnival
Three ducks went to court
3.
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
His boss asked what happened
A blonde goes to the post office
A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said, “Did you follow my instructions?”
The woman nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
His boss asked what happened
A blonde goes to the post office
4.
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A boy is selling fish on a corner.
To get his customers’ attention, he is yelling, “Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!”
A pastor hears this and asks, “Why are you calling them ‘dam fish.’”
The boy responds, “Because I caught these fish at the local dam.”
The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.
The wife responds surprised, “I didn’t know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way.”
He explains to her why they are dam fish.
Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.
He responds, “That’s the spirit, Dad!
Now pass the bang potatoes!”
One drunk says to the other
Three guys go to a ski lodge
5.
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, “I would give anything for a birdie on this h*le.”
A nearby stranger walked out of the woods beside the h*le and whispered, “If you give up one quarter of your make love life, I guarantee you will make this shot.”
The golfer said “OK.”
He made the shot for birdie.
A few h*les later, he was having trouble on another h*le.
“Please, let me make this for eagle” he said.
Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, “If you give up another quarter of your make love life, you will make eagle.”
“You’re on,” the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.
On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed an eagle to win.
The stranger again stepped up and said “If you give up the last half of your lovemaking life, you will make eagle to win.”
“OK,” the golfer said, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.
As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, “I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no lovemaking life.”
The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, “Nice to meet you, my name is Father O’Malley!”
A college teacher reminds her class
A man went to the doctor
6.
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
A lady came in for a routine physical at the doctor’s office.
“Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container.
“The bathroom is over there on your right.
The doctor will be with you in a few minutes.
A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.
“Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”
A blond man entered the emergency
Edward was lying on his deathbed
7.
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO.
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror what it could be…and suddenly.
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
WHOOOOOOOSHHHHH!
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A man settles in his seat
A man walks out onto a busy New York City
8.
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One’s a brunette, one’s a redhead, and one’s a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
Suddenly the brunette yells, “earthquake!!” Everyone is startled and looks around.
She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, “Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The redhead then screams, “tornado!!” Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around.
She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did.
The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready . . . Aim . . .”
The blonde shouts, “fire!!”
A hot new secretary
A young couple were on their honeymoon
9.
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
10.
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber
Once upon a time an old man and a young man were living nearby.
The old man spread rumors that his young neighbor was a thief.
As a result, the young man was arrested by the police and brought to magistrate.
Days later the young man was proven innocent.
After been released he sued the old man for wrongly accusing him.
In court the old man told the Judge:
He just made comments, didn’t harm anyone..
The judge, before passing sentence on the case, told the old man:
Write all the things you said about him on a piece of paper.
Cut them up and on the way home, throw the pieces of paper out.
Tomorrow, come back to hear the sentence.
The next day, the judge told the old man: Before receiving the sentence, you will have to go out and gather all the pieces of paper that you threw out yesterday.
The old man said: I can’t do that ! The wind spread them and I won’t know where to find them.
The judge then replied: The same way, simple comments may destroy the honor of a man to such an extent that one is not able to fix it.
“If you can’t speak well of someone, rather don’t say anythıng.”
Let’s all be masters of our mouths, so that we won’t be slaves of our words.
A elderly man in Louisiana
A armed robber
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11.
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp.
The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard.
Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!”
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
Anne went away to college
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp.
The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard.
Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!”
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
Anne went away to college
12.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook.”
A husband and wife were debating
A man visited the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook.”
A husband and wife were debating
A man visited the doctor
13.
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
The following day, the teacher asked for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raised her hand, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.”
Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.
The teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”
Little Lucy went next, “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator.”
Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”
Next up was little Johnny.
He said, My gramps fought in World War 2, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory.
He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a knife.
On the way down, he drank the case of beer.
The teacher looked stunned, but little Johnny continued, Then gramps landed right in the middle of 100 German soldiers.
He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets!
So he pulled out his knife and killed 20 more.
Then the blade on his knife broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.
The teacher now looked more than a little shocked.
After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
“Well,” Johnny replied, “don’t mess with gramps when he’s been drinking.”
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
A lion was feeling very hungry
14.
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,
lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of melons I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer,
lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, “Are you okay?”
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”
“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging,
I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of melons I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess”
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Chris Evans and Scarlett Johansson
15.
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
It was Sunday and the preacher has just finished an inspiring church service when Rick,
The wealthiest man in town, stood up and asked to address the congregation.
The preacher wasn’t surprised at this.
“Just make it quick, Rick.” He sighs.
“Sure Father.” Said Rick.
He cleared his throat and addressed the audience:
“I can still recall the day when I earned my first dollar,” he began.
“That same evening, I attended a church meeting where the speaker talked about his humanitarian efforts.
At that moment, I had only that single dollar to my name, and I had to make a tough decision: give it to the speaker’s cause or keep it for myself.
“I chose to donate it all, and I truly believe that God blessed that decision, which is why I am a millionaire today.”he finished, a tear gleaming in his eye.
“Oh yea?” an old woman in the audience stood up,
“I dare you to do it again!”
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A little girl who really loved dolls
16.
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
Once there was a business executive who was sunken in debt and could see no way out.
Creditors were closing in on him suppliers were demanding payment.
He sat on the park bench, head in hands, wondering if anything could save his company from insolvency.
Suddenly an old man appeared before him.
“I can see that something is worrying you,” he said.
After listening to the executive’s woes, the old man said: “I believe I can help you.”
He asked the man his name, wrote out a check, and pushed it into his hand saying,
“Take this money meet me here exactly one year from today, and you can pay me back at that time.”
Then he turned and disappeared as quickly as he had come.
The business executive saw in his hand a check for $100,000, signed by Andrew Carnegie, one of the richest men in the world at that time!
“I can erase my money problems in an instant!” he realized
But instead, the executive decided to put the uncashed check in his safe just knowing it was there might give him the strength to work out a way to save his business, he thought.
With revived hope, he negotiated better deals and extended terms of payment.
He closed several big sales within a few months, he was out of debt and making money once again.
Exactly after one year, the executive returned to the park with the uncashed check of $ 100,000
At the same time, the old man appeared there but just as the executive was about to hand back the check and share his success story, a nurse came running up and grabbed the old man.
“I’m so glad I caught him !” she cried.
He is always escaping from the rest home and telling people he’s Andrew Carnegie.
The astonished executive just stood there, stunned.
All year long he’d been wheeling and dealing, buying and selling, convinced he had a check of $100,000 behind him.
Suddenly, he realized that it wasn’t the money real or imagined, that had returned his life around.
It was his newfound self-confidence that gave him the power to achieve anything he went after.
A young naval student
Moishe the Carpenter
17.
The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
The officer signals for her to pull over, and then walks over and asks her with a smile: “What’s the rush?”
“I’m late for work.”
“Sure,” says the officer, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectal dis tender.”
“A what? A rectal dis tender? And what is that, exactly?”
“Well, you see, I start by putting a finger in, then another, then I work up to three fingers, four fingers, until the whole hand is in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then slowly but surely I extend the rectum, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
“And what the hell do you do with a 6 feet as…?”
“Give him a speed gun and put him by the side of the road.”
A mathematician and biologist & physicist
A General stepped out taking
18.
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory.
They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.
Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.
One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”
One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear.
She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.
The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”
Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.
One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”
After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.
Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.
They peeked at the bird.
At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.
Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”
A family is sitting around the supper table
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says
19.
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
A man walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “Man! How many bars do you work at?”
The male teacher in a girls school asked
A man is talking to the family doctor
20.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
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Isaac Newton Motivational Quotes 05
21.
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
No way man. It’s just it’s just ice cream. Furiously cleans mouth. …I just made this one up. Promise!
Sunny day. Penguin driving down the road. Hears a thump thump from wheel.
Pulls into garage. Take a look at this please.
Ok. Will take a few mins. Go for a walk Penguin.
Sunny day. Penguin get an ice cream.
Waddles around. Bit of window shopping.
Goes back to garage. What’s the story with vehicle garage man? Penguin family at home.
Need to go back and take turn on egg.
Well it looks like you blew a seal…
Cue laughter and cheers …..
My friend has trouble attracting women
An older woman gets pulled over for speeding
22.
On a very cold winter night, three homeless man huddled up close to keep warm.
In the morning, the guy on the right says, “I had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy on the left says, “I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy in the middle says, “I had a dream that I went skiing.”
A little guy gets on a plane
A farmer wanted to have his hens
On a very cold winter night, three homeless man huddled up close to keep warm.
In the morning, the guy on the right says, “I had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy on the left says, “I also had a dream that someone was pulling on my weapon.”
The guy in the middle says, “I had a dream that I went skiing.”
A little guy gets on a plane
A farmer wanted to have his hens
23.
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat.
They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again.
She still wants more and the guy says “Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself.”
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat.
He asks the man “Look, I’ve got this gal in my car and I’ve made love to her four or five times and she still wants more.
I’ll change your flat if you’ll take over for me.”
So that’s what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, “What are you doing in there?”
The guy says, “I’m making love to my wife.”
The cop asks, “Why don’t you do that at home?”
The guy answers, “To tell you the truth, I didn’t know it was my wife until you shined the light on her.
I have become a victim
Wife discussing christmas presents with her maid
24.
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut.
When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently.
He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail.
Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut’s opening to greet him just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
A tourist is picked up by a cab
The father shark said to the son shark
The king of a small African nation had an elegant golden throne in his large grass hut.
When an old friend came to visit from another nation, he was worried that the man would discover he was a king and treat him differently.
He searched frantically for a place to hide the throne, but to no avail.
Finally, he decided to have it wedged up in the ceiling of his hut.
When his friend arrived, he went to the hut’s opening to greet him just then, the ceiling started to give way, and the golden throne fell on the king and killed him.
A tourist is picked up by a cab
The father shark said to the son shark
25.
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband.
“it is 3 o’clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. Who was that?” asked his wife.
“Just some drunk guy asking for a push did you help him?” she asks.
“No, I did not, it is 3 o’clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!”
Well, you have a short memory. Can’t you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? “I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
“Hello, are you still there?” Do you still need a push? calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing!”… replies the drunk.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
A old man notices his wife is having trouble hearing
26.
A lawyer is talking to his client.
He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”
“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”
“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”
“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.”
Four strangers traveled together
A co-worker told John
A lawyer is talking to his client.
He says, “I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”
The client says, “I could use some good news. What is it?”
“You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance.”
“Great! Now what’s the bad news?”
“Well, uh… she’s marrying your father.”
Four strangers traveled together
A co-worker told John
27.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her melons.
He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your melons and say,
“Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger melons.”
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great melons!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new melons and didn’t want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–“Scooby dooby doobies.
I want bigger melons.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”
“Hickory hickory dock
A man walked into a bar
The Kid Asks His Dad
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith…
…for advice about enlarging her melons.
He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your melons and say,
“Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger melons.”
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great melons!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.
At this point she loved her new melons and didn’t want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus–“Scooby dooby doobies.
I want bigger melons.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”
“Hickory hickory dock
A man walked into a bar
The Kid Asks His Dad
28.
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
A young couple were on their honeymoon and were staying at a hotel with a large swimming pool.
They decided to go for a swim, and the bride donned a new bikini that she had recently purchased.
As she swam and splashed around in the pool, she soon discovered that the bikini was too large, and the top and bottom kept coming off.
As they were the only ones in the pool, she and her husband would laugh and playfully retrieve the bikini from the pool’s bottom.
That evening they dressed for dinner and headed to their hotel’s elegant restaurant, where they were seated next to a huge aquarium.
Strangely, the aquarium was devoid of any aquatic life.
When the bride asked their waiter why the aquarium had no fish in it, he smiled broadly and said, “That’s not an aquarium…that’s the swimming pool!”
A dentist was getting ready to clean
Little Johnny and Billy were engaging
29.
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
I went to a Dynamo show the other day…
I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad.
We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.
“You there!”
Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day.
So he then placed into a handkerchief and then he smashed it with a small hammer.
“Crap! That wasn’t supposed to happen”
So I thought oh brilliant, how that’s £200 down the drain, he exclaimed his sincere apologies and told me to come him once the show was over, and so I waited nearly 2 hours before I then went backstage to see him where he was holding some donuts.
So I thought to myself, “donuts?”.
“Pick the middle one, and take a bite”
So I chose the middle one, took a bite and you know what was in it?
Jam
I went to a Dynamo show the other day
A kid asks his father
30.
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said,
“Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said,
“Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
“Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked,
“Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said,
“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said,
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
The priest said,
“Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said,
“Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.”
The priest thought long and hard and then said,
“Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The young woman asked,
“Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest said,
“No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional
Roosevelt, Stalin, Mussolini, and Hitler are on a plane
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eng jokes