1.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
2.
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone.
His wife has a conference in paris and he gives her a ride to the airport, as he’s dropping her off..
she says: “thanks honey, is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He replies: “yes, how about an Italian girl,a beautiful one…LOL”
3 days later..
When the husband picks her up from airport.. he says: “how was your trip honey?”
She replies: “Oh, my trip was fantastic”
He says: “And what about my present,my Italian girl?”
She replies: “oh,wait for nine months….”
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A German guy lets his wife travel to Paris alone.
His wife has a conference in paris and he gives her a ride to the airport, as he’s dropping her off..
she says: “thanks honey, is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He replies: “yes, how about an Italian girl,a beautiful one…LOL”
3 days later..
When the husband picks her up from airport.. he says: “how was your trip honey?”
She replies: “Oh, my trip was fantastic”
He says: “And what about my present,my Italian girl?”
She replies: “oh,wait for nine months….”
A man is having dinner with his new girlfriend’s family
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
3.
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this problem you see, only you’ve got to promise not to laugh”.
The doctor replies, “Of course I won’t laugh!
That would be thoroughly unprofessional.
In over twenty years of being a doctor I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“OK then,” says the man, and he drops his trousers.
The doctor is greeted by the sight of the tiniest weenie he has ever seen in his life.
Despite his best efforts, he begins laughing, softly at first, then uncontrollably.
Several minutes later he manages to compose himself and wipes the tears from his eyes.
“I’m so sorry,” he says to the patient.
“I don’t know what came over me, I won’t let it happen again.
Now what seems to be the problem?
The man looks up at the doctor with sad eyes and says, “It’s swollen.”
A man goes into a restaurant
A boy starts his first day at Walmart
4.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
5.
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
One Monday morning a guy was in the neighborhood on his usual route.
As he approaches one of the homes he notices that both cars are in the driveway, his wonder is cut short by Billy the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
“Wow Billy, looks like you guys had a hell of a party last night,” the man comments.
Billy in obvious pain replies,
“Actually we had it Saturday night, this is the first I have felt like moving since 4 am Sunday morning.
We had about fifteen couples over for our anniversary bash and got a bit wild.
Hell we even got so drunk that around midnight we started playing WHO AM I.”
The guy thinks a moment and says, “How do you play that?”
Billy continues between hung over gasps,
“Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our “units” showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.”
The guy laughs and says, “Damn,… I’m sorry I missed that.”
Billy responds,
“But your name was guessed six to seven times.”
Two young nuns are ordered to paint a room
A married Irishman went into the confessional
6.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
7.
Man looks at his friend and says “if you and a friend go camping
you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a protection in your bum
would you tell anyone? ”
The friend says im a disgusted tone “No”
So the man says “ok let’s go camping
The Kid Asks His Dad
One day Little Johnny’s class
Man looks at his friend and says “if you and a friend go camping
you two get really drunk and in the morning you wake up with a protection in your bum
would you tell anyone? ”
The friend says im a disgusted tone “No”
So the man says “ok let’s go camping
The Kid Asks His Dad
One day Little Johnny’s class
8.
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
Many years ago in a poor Chinese village, there lived a peasant with his son
His only material possession, apart from some land and a small straw hut, was a horse he had inherited from his father.
One day, the horse ran off, leaving the man with no animal with which to till the land.
His neighbors – who respected him greatly for his honesty and diligence – came to his house to say how much they regretted what had happened
He thanked them for their visit, but asked:
– How can you know that what has happened has been a misfortune in my life?
Someone mumbled to a friend: “he can’t accept reality, let him think what he wants, as long as he isn’t saddened by what happened.”
And the neighbors went off, pretending to agree with what they had heard.
A week later, the horse returned to the stable, but it was not alone; it brought with it a fine mare for company.
Upon hearing this, the villagers – who were flustered since they now understood the answer the man had given them – returned to the peasant’s house, in order to congratulate him on his good fortune.
– Before you had only one horse, and now you have two
Congratulations! – they said.
– Many thanks for your visit and for all your concern – answered the peasant
– But how can you know that what has happened has been a blessing in my life?
Disconcerted, and thinking he must be going mad, the neighbors went off, and on the way commented: “does he really not understand that God has sent him a gift?”
A month later, the peasant’s son decided to tame the mare
But the animal unexpectedly reared up and the boy fell and broke his leg.
The neighbors returned to the peasant’s house – bringing gifts for the wounded boy
The mayor of the village offered his condolences to the father, saying that all were very sad at what had happened.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons
Jean was out walking with grandfather
9.
A man went to the doctor’s.
The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.
The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.
The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”
The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”
George goes to the doctor
A man walk into a supermarket
A man went to the doctor’s.
The doctor came in and said, “Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor.
The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you’d like.
The man’s brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman’s brain costs “30,000.00.”
The patient could not help but ask, “Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?”
The doctor replied, “The female brain is used.”
George goes to the doctor
A man walk into a supermarket
10.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A guy walks up to a caretaker in a dog shelter
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11.
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
A wife arrived home from a shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed undressed, with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her and said, “Honey, before you leave, please let me explain.”
The wife stopped to listen.
He continued, “I was driving along the highway, and I saw this young girl looking very tired and bedraggled, so I offered her a lift. She was also hungry, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef in the refrigerator which you didn’t like”.
“She was wearing some very worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of your shoes which you’d discarded simply because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday–the one you never wore because the colours didn’t suit you”.
“Her slacks were torn, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but much too small for you now”.
The wife seemed to have no problem with any of this, but still needed just one question to be answered.
“That’s all fine and good,” she said.
“But why did I find you both in our bed with NO clothes on?”
The husband replied, “Well, that’s simple See, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and asked, “Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
They go to see their doctor
Johnny greeted his mother at the door
12.
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar.
She recognized him as an old flame.
“Honey,” she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, “that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
Her husband said, “That’s silly, no one celebrates that much!”
A little boy comes down for breakfast
Joey was asked by his mother
13.
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman.
She screamed at him: “You’re a pig! A pig with no honor! How dare you do this to me! I’m your faithful wife!”
She was about to storm off, when her husband stopped her with these words: “Wait a minute, let me at least explain what happened!”
“Fine!” sobbed the angry wife, “but they will be your LAST words to me!”
“Well, while I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and haggard. I felt sorry for her, so I brought her home.”
She was hungry, so I made her a meal from the roast beef you thought was too fattening.
Her sandals were torn so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style.
She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I got you for your birthday that you don’t wear because the colors don’t suit you.
Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you liked before your sister bought the same pair.
Then, as she was about to leave the house, she turned to me and said pleadingly, “Please, please, is there anything ELSE your wife doesn’t use anymore?”
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A blonde and a Lawyer on an airplane
14.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
15.
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
I paid a visit to an art gallery today and saw an exquisite piece of art.
It was of a fox. Every stroke on the painting was perfect and every colour was blended together beautifully.
But as I analysed the painting, I noticed that something didn’t feel right.
As if there was still something missing from it.
And I was right! As soon as I caught it, I just couldn’t unsee it.
So I decided to head to the manager to warn them about the error in the artist’s craft.
“Hey, you take a look at that fox painting? The artist must be a legend!”
“Oh yeah. Most favourite piece I’ve made. Its copies sell well.”
“Oh! I must say it does look absolutely magnificent!
But I’m sure you realise what’s wrong with it.”
“Ah, yes. An intentional design.”
“So you masterfully handcrafted this fox painting, intentionally painted the tail out, and still managed to sell enough copies even though it’s an incomplete painting.”
The artist chuckled and nodded in agreement.
My eyes widened, with the hands open and on my sides, and my lips mouthing the word in amazement: “How?”
The artist shrugs and says “It’s just the detailing, man.”
He laughed at my cringe. I laughed at his burnt painting
An Australian asks a travel agent
Today I went to the children’s daycare
16.
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
A family enters a large store.
After browsing for several moments they purchase some goods and head for the large counter at the front of the store.
They notice a robotic seal standing in a corner situated near the counter.
It is dressed in a tuxedo and each time goods are packaged the seal nods as if in agreement.
After the third purchase is made the father asks the counter assistant why the robot nods each time.
The assistant replies, “Isn’t it obvious? It’s our seal of approval.”
The husband was falling asleep
Two kids are talking to each other
17.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there’s another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attraction’ ’em?’
A man went to God
He lies dying on the sidewalk
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, ‘Here, you hold this high so I can see what I am doing!’
Soon a baby boy was brought into the world.
‘Whoa there’, said the doctor, ‘Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down, I think there’s another one coming.’
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
‘Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!’ said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby.
‘No, don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!’ cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor,
‘You reckon it might be the light that’s attraction’ ’em?’
A man went to God
He lies dying on the sidewalk
18.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.
ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.
ON TESCO”S TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS” COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURY”S PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
You Know You’re Addicted
Telemarketer Repellant
19.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
20.
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A woman was terribly overweight
Two drunks are walking along
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The woman says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
A woman was terribly overweight
Two drunks are walking along
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21.
Ever since he was young, the painter Henri Matisse used to visit the great Renoir at his atelier every week.
When Renoir was crippled with arthritis, Matisse began to visit him daily, taking food,
paintbrushes and paint, always trying to convince the master that he worked to hard.
He needed to rest a little.
One day, noting that each brush stroke made Renoir groan of pain, Matisse couldn’t stay silent:
“Great master, your work is already vast and important why continue to torture yourself that way?”
“Very simple,” Renoir answered.
“Beauty remains; pain ends up passing.”
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A guy stood over his tee shot
Ever since he was young, the painter Henri Matisse used to visit the great Renoir at his atelier every week.
When Renoir was crippled with arthritis, Matisse began to visit him daily, taking food,
paintbrushes and paint, always trying to convince the master that he worked to hard.
He needed to rest a little.
One day, noting that each brush stroke made Renoir groan of pain, Matisse couldn’t stay silent:
“Great master, your work is already vast and important why continue to torture yourself that way?”
“Very simple,” Renoir answered.
“Beauty remains; pain ends up passing.”
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A guy stood over his tee shot
22.
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
The Little Johnny going to his first day of school, he looks worried, his dad asks him.
“What’s wrong?”
Nervous, the kid asks,
“How long do I have to go to school for?”
“Until you’re 18” says the father.
The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.
When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says,
“Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you.”
A old man going to confession
A science teacher asked her students
23.
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job.
She met a nice man who said he would give her work.
All she had to do was paint his porch white.
He gave her a bucket of paint and left.
He walked into his house, laughing.
He told his wife what he had done.
“Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You’re so mean.” his wife replied.
Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.
The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
“It takes time, but it was easy.” was her reply.
“Oh, and it’s a Ferrari, not a Porsche.”
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing
Mrs. O’Henry was talking to her husband
24.
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
25.
A man is traveling through the jungle for days.
Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.
After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.
The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees as long as he doesn’t bang his granddaughter.
Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does bang his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him.
The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, “First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest.”
Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it.
He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.
On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading “Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock.”
Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window.
On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, “Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post.”
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
A rather confident man walks into a bar
A man is traveling through the jungle for days.
Growing tired, he passes by a house and decides to ask if they could put him up for the night.
After he knocks on the door, an old Chinese man with a beard that reached the floor answers.
The traveler asks if he could stay the night, and the Chinese guy agrees as long as he doesn’t bang his granddaughter.
Before the traveler can agree, the old man warns him that if he does bang his granddaughter, he will perform the three greatest Chinese tortures on him.
The traveler says okay, and the man lets him in.
When it was time for dinner, the man meets the granddaughter, who is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.
After he figures that the old man is asleep, he goes into her room and makes love to her.
The next morning, the man awakes with a 100-lb rock on his chest with a sign reading, “First Chinese torture: wake up with 100-pound rock on chest.”
Being a strong man, the traveler thinks nothing of it.
He picks up the rock and throws it out the window.
On the back of the rock, there is another sign reading “Second Chinese torture: right ball tied to rock.”
Thinking quickly, the traveler jumps out the window.
On the other side of the window, there is another sign reading, “Third Chinese torture: left nut tied to bed post.”
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
A rather confident man walks into a bar
26.
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson
Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie.
He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears.
I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn’t offer a bulk discount.
For the next hour, Mr. Johnson haggled with me, insisting on paying a single, reduced price for the order of shears rather than the standard per-item price.
With my frustration growing, Mr. Johnson wouldn’t back down.
Finally, he made a desperate attempt to get the deal he wanted: he suggested we play any simple game of my choice; winner sets the price structure for the shears.
He then asked me what I wanted to play.
Unable to hold back my aggravation, I shouted: ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS!
A hideous little orc is in the kingdom’s capital
A scientist is asked by the government
27.
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
Lying on his deathbed, an elderly man made his final request to his wife:
“Honey, I’m almost out of time and there’s something I’d like you to do for me when I’m gone.”
She nodded her head and said,
“You can count on me. Anything you ask, I’ll make sure it’s done.”
“I want you to wed my buddy, Jacob,” he said, his voice filled with emotion.
Astonished, his wife replied,
“Jacob? But I thought you couldn’t stand him!”
He smiled and looked into her eyes as he answered,
“That’s precisely why…”
A woman wakes up in the night
A mother and father took their son
28.
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, enter a hotel late at night.
They approach the clerk, and Santa says, “Could you pleash give ush a bed with two rooms?”
“You mean a room with two beds?” asks the clerk.
“Whatever, whatever you shay.”
So they get a key and somehow manage to stumble upstairs to their room.
After fumbling for ten minutes, they even manage to get their door open.
As they stumble inside, the door closes behind them and they are in total darkness.
They go forward slowly, and both fall on the bed closest to the door.
“Ahh,” says Santa, “Now we can get some sleep at last.”
As they try to rearrange themselves, they suddenly realize that they are not alone in their bed.
“Hey! There’s somebody in my bed!” says Banta.
“There’s somebody in my bed too!” says Santa.
“Let’s get rid of them. We paid for this room and we’re going to sleep in the beds!” says Banta.
They start a tremendous struggle. They heave and push until eventually Santa throws Banta on the floor.
“ALL RIGHT!!” Santa shouts, “I’ve thrown mine off the bed.”
“You’re lucky,” says Banta, “I got thrown off and I’m too tired to fight any more.”
“Well, never mind,” says Santa, “Why don’t you just come and share my bed. Let’s get some sleep round here.”
A woman returned home to her husband
A blonde accountant calls her boyfriend
29.
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”
She says, “No, I dyed my hair. I’m naturally blonde.”
“I thought so,” he says.
“Your finger is broken.”
A boss said to his secretary
A blind guy on a bar stool
30.
Two women are walking home from the bar when they both feel the need to pee, so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One of them uses her underwear to wipe, while the other grabs a wreath off a headstone.
The next evening, the husbands meet at the bar.
One looks at the other and says, “I think I need to keep an eye on my wife—she came home without her underwear last night.”
The other husband responds, “Well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum that said, ‘You were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department.’”
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A watermelon farmer was determined
Two women are walking home from the bar when they both feel the need to pee, so they slip into a nearby cemetery.
One of them uses her underwear to wipe, while the other grabs a wreath off a headstone.
The next evening, the husbands meet at the bar.
One looks at the other and says, “I think I need to keep an eye on my wife—she came home without her underwear last night.”
The other husband responds, “Well, mine came home with a card wedged in her bum that said, ‘You were loved and will be missed by the entire fire department.’”
Three guys go to a ski lodge
A watermelon farmer was determined
Tags:
eng jokes