1.
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven.
At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter.
Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?”
1st nun: “Adam and Eve.”
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?”
2nd nun: “An apple.”
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
After a few minutes thinking she says “Gosh, that’s a hard one!”
A Irishman walked into a bar
A teacher asks a student
Three nuns who had recently died were on their way to heaven.
At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter.
Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells.
St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?”
1st nun: “Adam and Eve.”
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
St. Peter: “What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree?”
2nd nun: “An apple.”
The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates.
And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
St. Peter: “What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?”
After a few minutes thinking she says “Gosh, that’s a hard one!”
A Irishman walked into a bar
A teacher asks a student
2.
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
3.
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho.
Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!”
Four guys are playing golf together
Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time
4.
The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road.
“Look at that,” said the girl.
“Not a crow in sight.”
The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, “Good job scarecrow!”
To their surprise the scarecrow replied.
“Hay, it’s in my jeans.”
A teacher asked her students
Two older women were fussing
The young couple admired the scarecrow they saw along the road.
“Look at that,” said the girl.
“Not a crow in sight.”
The boy looked at the scarecrow and said, “Good job scarecrow!”
To their surprise the scarecrow replied.
“Hay, it’s in my jeans.”
A teacher asked her students
Two older women were fussing
5.
A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank! …
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses,
he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
“Did you see me rob this Bank?”
The customer replies ….. “YES”
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO THE CUSTOMER HEAD and BANG!!!!…
SHOOTS THE CUSTOMER IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman:
“DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????”
The woman calmly responds.
“No … but MY HUSBAND DID!”
A man and a woman, who had never met before
A young man went to his grandfather
A man walks into a Bank, gets in line, and when it was his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the Bank! …
But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses,
he turns around and asks the next customer in line:
“Did you see me rob this Bank?”
The customer replies ….. “YES”
The bank robber raises his gun POINTS IT TO THE CUSTOMER HEAD and BANG!!!!…
SHOOTS THE CUSTOMER IN THE HEAD AND KILLS HIM!
The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman:
“DID YOU SEE ME ROB THIS BANK????”
The woman calmly responds.
“No … but MY HUSBAND DID!”
A man and a woman, who had never met before
A young man went to his grandfather
6.
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
“Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”
“Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.”
“Why, what’s in the paper?”
“Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!”
“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?”
“Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!”
“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?”
“Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.”
“Why? What’s that story on?”
“Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!”
“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!”
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues…
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?”
A nun was walking in the convent
Two polite people having dinner
Brad and Mike are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other.
Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Mike opens the morning paper and turns to the obituaries page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column.
He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event.
He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database.
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Brad up.
“Brad, are you up yet?” asks Mike.
Brad sleepily answers, “Yeah, but I’m only now starting my coffee.”
“Brad, open the newspaper to page 31.”
“Why, what’s in the paper?”
“Brad, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!”
“Ok, Ok, I’ve got the paper here, so what’s in page 31?”
“Brad, open the paper to page 31 already!”
“All right, don’t be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what’s on page 31 that’s so important?”
“Brad, look at the bottom of column 4.”
“Why? What’s that story on?”
“Brad, read the story on the bottom of the column already!”
“OK, OK, I’ll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!”
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues…
Finally, Brad comes on the line quietly and fearfully asks, “So Mike, where are you calling me from right now?”
A nun was walking in the convent
Two polite people having dinner
7.
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
At school little Johnny’s class is learning about medicines.
Sister Catherine, the teacher, asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.
The first pupil said: “Tylenol?”
“Very good! And what is it used for?”
“It is used for a headache.”
The second pupil said: “Nytol.”
“Excellent!” said Sister Catherine. “And what it is used for?”
“To help you sleep”, replied the student.
Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: what is it used for, Johnny?” asked the surprised Sister catherine.
“It is used for diarrhea.”
“And who told you this, Johnny?”
“Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father,…
‘take a V**gra, and maybe that shit will get harder.’”
Sister Catherine fainted.
A young couple on their wedding night
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender
8.
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
After the wedding he lays down the law
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied,
“Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.”
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”
After the wedding he lays down the law
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed
9.
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
“Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!”
The wife says, “Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?”
He says, “I don’t care! Just be out by the end of the week!”
A man came to the emergency room
A young man was sitting in his office
10.
A group of blondes walk into a bar.
One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ’2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”
Two gas company servicemen
A drunken man gets on the bus
A group of blondes walk into a bar.
One of the women tells the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them.
The gals lift their glasses and toast, “Here’s to 51 days!” and they proceed to down their drinks.
Once again, they tell the bartender to “line ‘em up”, and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, “I don’t get it. Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?”
One of the blondes explains, “We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box ’2-4 years,’ but we finished it in 51 days!”
Two gas company servicemen
A drunken man gets on the bus
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11.
A lady walks into a pet store.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a night house, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New call girl in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
One of the priests said
A lady walks into a pet store.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a night house, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New call girl in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
One of the priests said
12.
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
13.
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven.
The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.
The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times”.
The angel gives him an old model pick up, the second guy says “11 years and only once” and is granted a Mercedes.
The last man says “20 years and not once , I loved her with all my heart” and with the angel impressed he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men.
Hours later the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says ” I know we are dead but it could be much worse”.
The guy looks up and says “How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard”
3 Archers are competing at a contest
Three construction workers where sitting on the bridge
14.
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her stand 20 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, hes standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him and says: For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
Little Johnny was sitting in class
A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her stand 20 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, hes standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him and says: For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!
A circuit-riding preacher trained his horse
Little Johnny was sitting in class
15.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
16.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
17.
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
A man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted.
She pulls out a large syringe to give him an anesthesia shot.
“No way, no needles! I hate needles!” the man exclaims so she starts to hook up the nitro us oxide tank, and the man says,
“I can’t do the gas thing either. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.
“No,” he says, “I’m fine with pills.”
So the lady dentist gives him two little blue pills and he swallows them.
“What are those?” he asks. “tablet,” she calmly replies.
“I’ll be damned,” said the man, “I didn’t know tablet works as a pain killer.”
“It doesn’t,” says the wise lady,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter
Two lawyers are having a drink
18.
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long train journey.
The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.
So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun.
“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00,” he says.
This catches the senior’s attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?”
The senior doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the senior’s turn.
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.
He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00.
The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?”
The senior reaches into his pocket hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep.
Age will overcome youth and technology anytime.
A professor sits with a farmer in a train
An elderly patient in a mental hospital
19.
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
20.
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
Me and my two brothers wanted to give my grandpa nice birthday gifts.
My two brothers, both more wealthy than me, bought a brand new car and a beautiful cabin on lakefront property respectively.
I couldn’t afford anything other than a talking parrot.
However, this could’ve worked well for me because this particular bird was trained to quote Bible verses and my grandfather is very religious.
A week after her birthday, we each received a Thank you letter from grandpa.
To my first brother: “Hi darling.
Thank you for the new car, but my eyes and ears aren’t what they used to be and I’m not sure I can drive anymore.
But, thank you so much because it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana”
To my other brother: “Hello, dear child.
Thank you for the cabin, but I’m afraid my eyesight isn’t what it used to be and I can’t fully appreciate the view.
But, thanks again sweetheart, it’s the thought that counts. Love, Nana.”
To me: “Hello sweety.
I know you can’t afford a great deal, but I appreciate what you gave me so much.
It was precisely what I needed.
The chicken was delicious. Love, Nana.”
Three women were sitting in a bar
Young boy gets suspended from school
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21.
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
Grandpa was telling his young grandson what life was like when he was a boy.
“In the winter we’d ice skate on our pond.
In the summer we could swim in the pond, and pick berries in the woods.
We’d swing on an old tire my dad hung from a tree on a rope.
And we had a pony we rode all over the farm.”
The little boy was amazed,, and sat silently for a minute.
Finally, he said, “Granddad, I wish I’d gotten to know you a lot sooner!”
A couple were having an argument
A father put his daughter to bed
22.
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.
The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting.
The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train.
Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his knees and began to pray,
Dear Lord let this bear become a Christian!!
At that moment the Grizzly Bear stopped dead in his tracks, stood straight up on his hind legs, raised his paws to the heavens, and said Dear Lord thank you for this food I’m about to eat
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
There was once a small town
23.
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
A bear walks into a bar.
The bartender is extremely busy and looks tired.
He eventually makes his way over to the bear.
The bear immediately tells him, “You look exhausted.”
“Yeah, it’s been a rough day,” says the bartender,
“What are you drinking?”
“I’ll have a glass of…” says the bear.
He waits a painfully long moment before adding “scotch.”
“Why the long face?” asks the bartender.
“Don’t you mean “big pause”?” asks the bear.
“Yeah, sorry.” Sighs the Bartender.
“Like I said, it’s been a rough day.”
A American traveling to Japan
Two Women riding in an elevator
24.
A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?”
One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?”
Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”
“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher.
Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
Johnny going to his first day of school
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
A science teacher asked her students “Children, if you could own one mineral, what would it be?”
One boy said, “I would choose gold. It’s worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette.”
Another boy said, “I would want platinum because it’s worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.”
The teacher said, “Johnny, What would you want?”
Johnny said, “I would want silicone.”
“Why would you want silicone?” Asked the teacher.
Well my mom got some, he replied, “and there’s always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway.”
Johnny going to his first day of school
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
25.
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples.
“My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered.
“So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.”
“And how did you explain it to your mother?”
“With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck.
The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake.
Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’”
“And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment.
I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”
Once while a travelling Tenali Rama
Every day Nasreddin went to beg
26.
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
27.
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, “What’ll you have?”
The guy answers, “A scotch, please.”
The bartender hands him the drink, and says “That’ll be five dollars,” to which the guy replies, “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, “You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, “Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, “What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!”
The guy says, “What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!”
The bartender replies, “I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.”
To which the guy replies, “Thank you. Make it a scotch.”
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
A guy walked into a bar and asked
28.
A salesman is talking to an old farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders:
He says. “What on earth is that all about?”
The old farmer says.
“We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”
“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”
The old farmer replied.
“There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!”
She turned to her class and said
A man boarded an aeroplane
A salesman is talking to an old farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders:
He says. “What on earth is that all about?”
The old farmer says.
“We had a fire in the chicken coop two months ago and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.”
“Okay, but that was two months ago. Why does he still wear them?”
The old farmer replied.
“There ain’t nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other!”
She turned to her class and said
A man boarded an aeroplane
29.
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
30.
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting.
She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40.
A cop pulls her over and says “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She says “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.”
His brow furrows and he straightens up.
“Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for backup.”
He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the woman’s window.
“Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asks sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squints warily at it.
“This looks legitimate,” he mumbles.
“Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulls it out of the glove compartment and hands it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!”
He bangs open the trunk of the car and flinches: but it was completely empty… The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
He watched as old lady boarded
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Tags:
eng jokes