1.
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
There was an old lady who was very small,
Her name was Reanne but everyone called her Re.
After a while Re died of old age and the whole town was dismayed.
Re was so small that her family didn’t bury her and instead later her to rest in a flower.
When the town folks came by to pay their respects they were surprised that instead of an old lady in the flower they saw a tiny baby looking around.
When the townsfolk asked the family they simply responded:
“That’s normal, that’s just Re in carnation”
A magician was working on a cruise ship
One day a little boy gets on a bus
2.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
3.
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The guy asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The old man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie?. Here’s one that goes nicely with your shirt.”
The guy shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot! I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table.
The old man said, “I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn’t you find it?”
The guy rasped, “I found it, they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A mans car stalled on a country road
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The guy asked, “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water?”
The old man replied, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie?. Here’s one that goes nicely with your shirt.”
The guy shouted, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot! I need water!”
“OK, don’t buy a tie, but to show you what a nice guy I am, I’ll tell you that over that dune there, about five miles down, there is a nice restaurant my brother runs. Go over that way, they’ll give you all the water you want.”
The guy thanked him and walked away towards the dune and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the guy came crawling back to where the old man was sitting behind his card table.
The old man said, “I told you, about five miles over that dune. Couldn’t you find it?”
The guy rasped, “I found it, they wouldn’t let me in without a tie.”
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A mans car stalled on a country road
4.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has scr*wed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place,
Since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks,
He takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper:
“Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back:
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather:
“He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, roosters it up and says:
“Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling:
“He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The book-keeper signs back:
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the lawyer:
“Well, what’d he say?”
The lawyer replies:
“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.!!”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his book-keeper has scr*wed him for ten million bucks.
This book-keeper is deaf and it was considered an occupational benefit why he got the job in the first place,
Since it was assumed that a deaf book-keeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to shake down the book-keeper about his missing $10 million bucks,
He takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the book-keeper:
“Where is the $10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the book-keeper where the money is hidden.
The book-keeper signs back:
“I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather:
“He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the book-keeper’s temple, roosters it up and says:
“Ask him again!”
The attorney signs to the underling:
“He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”
The book-keeper signs back:
“OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”
The Godfather asks the lawyer:
“Well, what’d he say?”
The lawyer replies:
“He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.!!”
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
An 80 year old man married to 20 year old girl
5.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it.
Later they get together.
The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water.
Next week is his first communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”
They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast.
“Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
6.
One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.
He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.
On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red.
“I’m here for the party” says his friend. “I’m red, because I’m angry”.
The host welcomes his friend, and goes back to his party.
A little while later, the doorbell rings again.
The man opens the door, and is greeted by a man in a green morph suit.
“I’m here for the party” says the guest, “and I’m green with envy”.
The man welcomes this person in as well.
A short time later, the doorbell rings again.
At the door are two undressed men.
One has his weapon in a hollowed-out pear, and the other has his tool in a bowl of custard.
The man is dumbfounded.
“This is an emotion costume party, I am afraid that I can’t let you in dressed like that”.
The man with a pear on his weapon says in a deep-south accent; “we are dressed as emotions. Can we come in?”
“OK, you can come in if you can tell me how you are possibly dressed as emotions”, says the man.
“Well, you see, I am deep in dis’ pear, and my friend here… Well… He is bang’ dis’ custard”.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
After a long night of making love
One day, a man decides he wants to host a costume party.
He decides that he wants an emotion-themed party so he sends out all his invitations, telling his guests to dress as their favorite emotions.
On the night of the party, his doorbell rings, and he opens the door to find his friend dressed in red.
“I’m here for the party” says his friend. “I’m red, because I’m angry”.
The host welcomes his friend, and goes back to his party.
A little while later, the doorbell rings again.
The man opens the door, and is greeted by a man in a green morph suit.
“I’m here for the party” says the guest, “and I’m green with envy”.
The man welcomes this person in as well.
A short time later, the doorbell rings again.
At the door are two undressed men.
One has his weapon in a hollowed-out pear, and the other has his tool in a bowl of custard.
The man is dumbfounded.
“This is an emotion costume party, I am afraid that I can’t let you in dressed like that”.
The man with a pear on his weapon says in a deep-south accent; “we are dressed as emotions. Can we come in?”
“OK, you can come in if you can tell me how you are possibly dressed as emotions”, says the man.
“Well, you see, I am deep in dis’ pear, and my friend here… Well… He is bang’ dis’ custard”.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
After a long night of making love
7.
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
8.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
9.
An old man and his wife are in bed.
After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.
He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife hears the noise and asks.
“What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
The doctor called the wife into his office
A senior citizens group charters a bus
An old man and his wife are in bed.
After lying in silence for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, “seven points.”
His wife rolls over and says, “What in the heck are you talking about?”
The old man answers, “I’m playing fart football!”
A few minutes later the wife farts and says, “Touchdown! Tie score.”
After five minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown! I’m winning 14 to 7!”
Furious about loosing, the wife rips another fat and yells out, “The score is tied!”
The pressure is on and the old man refuses to lose.
He strains incredibly had but instead of farting he accidentally poops the bed.
The wife hears the noise and asks.
“What in the world was that noise?”
The old man replies, “That’s the whistle for halftime. Switch sides.”
The doctor called the wife into his office
A senior citizens group charters a bus
10.
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
Moishe the Carpenter, returning home with his week’s wages, was accosted by an armed robber on a deserted street.
“Take my money,” said Moishe, “but do me a favor: shoot a bullet through my hat otherwise my wife won’t believe I was robbed.”
The robber obliged he threw Moi-she’s hat into the air and put a bullet through it.
“Let’s make it look as if I ran into a gang of robbers,” said Moishe, “otherwise my wife will call me a coward! Please shoot a number of h*les through my coat.”
So the robber shot a number of h*les through the carpenter’s coat.
“And now?”
“Sorry,” interrupted the robber.
“No more h*les I’m out of bullets.”
“That’s all I wanted to know!” said Moishe.
“Now hand me back my money and some more for the hat and coat that you’ve ruined or I’ll beat you black and blue!”
The robber threw down the money and ran.
Once there was a business executive
A dead donkey in his front yard
11.
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
Bob was in trouble.
He forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was really angry.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work.
When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
Ralph is driving home
A lady goes to the doctor
12.
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
One day, a gentleman’s wife is planning on hosting a dinner party and wants to class it up a bit, so she sends her husband out to pick up some snails for escargot.
He picks up the snails and starts heading home, but on the way, the gentleman runs into an old friend and stops to chat for a minute.
The two get to chatting and the friend suggests, “Wanna grab a pint?”
To which the man replies, “No, I should really be getting back, my wife’ll be pissed if I’m late for her dinner.”
So after some more minor prodding the man, of course, goes out for the one, snails in hand.
The fellas get to drinking and lose track of time, drinking into the night until the man looks up at the clock and realizes,
“Oops! I’m 4 hours late for the darn dinner!”
So he snatches up his bag of snails and tears down the street to home.
As the man starts up his walk, stumbling and plastered, he trips on the front steps, raising a cacophony of sound and alerting his wife to his beleaguered presence.
She slams open the door, looks down at the drunk, and darn near explodes.
“Where the hell have you been?! You’re four hours late for dinner! Explain yourself, ya drunk bastard!”
The man, knowing he’s screwed and looking down at his sad state and the snails scattered all about, decides to take the chance.
Raising his fist and adopting a motivational tone, he says with a dare, “Five feet more lads, we’re almost there!”
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A woman wakes up in the night
13.
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,
“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.
Insurance doesn’t work quite like that
An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
“If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A man was telling his co-worker
Are you still going to that memory clinic
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,
“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.
Insurance doesn’t work quite like that
An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
“If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A man was telling his co-worker
Are you still going to that memory clinic
14.
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs,
“Morris, pack your bags. …. I won the lottery!
The husband says, ‘Oh my God!
“What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter to me,” she says.
“Just get the hell out.”
The first day of their Honeymoon
A Dad and a Son were watching TV
15.
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and they both had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
The wife said “Where are you, you know we have lots to do.”
He said “You remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?”
Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all choked up…
“Yes, I do remember that shop,” she replied.
“Well… I am in the gun shop next door to that.”
A couple made a deal
Johnny and his wife had their first fight
16.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of “WOW”! were heard.
A woman faints due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar.
The bartender says, “Say, you’re the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?”
The proud father answers, “Seventeen pounds.”
The bartender is puzzled, and concerned. “What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds at birth.”
The Texas father takes a slow swig from his long-neck
Lone Star beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, “Had him circumcised.”
I’ve made a severe and continuous
My friend has trouble attracting women
17.
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit.
So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit.
A week later he went in for his first fitting.
He put on the suit and he looked fabulous, he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror, he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise, he noticed that there were no pockets.
He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”
The young man answered, “Yes, I did.”
To this, the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”
Karen lost her husband almost four years
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office
18.
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
An old woman had 3 daughters.
One day she decided to test her Sons-in-law.
One day she was walking along a lakeshore with the first son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The first son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
Another day she was walking along a lakeshore with the second son-in-law.
Purposefully, she fell down in the lake and started yelling for help.
The second son-in-law jumped into the water and dragged her out into the shore.
The next day he found a brand new E Class Mercedes in his door steps with the wordings
“Thank you!!! Your Mother-in-law who loves you very much.!!!”
The third time she was walking with the third son-in-law and she repeated the same.
But that guy didn’t respond to her cries for help and didnt move a single step to save her.
The poor old lady who wanted to test her sons-in-law drowned and died.
The next day he found a brand new Rolls-Royce in his doorsteps with the following wordings…
“Thank you very much! Your Father-in-law.!!!”
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt
Tax his land, tax his wage
19.
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
A man well into his seventies asks his wife:
“Mary, doesn’t it make you sad when you see me running after those young girls sometimes?”
“Not in the least, Peter,” replies Mary,
Mary added To this
“our dog chases cars all the time and there’s also no chance he could manage to drive one!”
A man asks a farmer near a field
A woman joins a country club
20.
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker.
One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not.
This angered him and he took the farmer to court.
The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure.
The farmer replied, your Honor,
“I am primitive
I don’t have a proper measure, but I do have a scale.”
The judge asked, “Then how do you weigh the butter?”
The farmer replied; “Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him.
Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter
If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker.”
What is the moral of the story?
We get back in life what we give to others
Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question:
Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make?
Honesty and dishonesty become a habit
Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a straight face.
Others lie so much that they don’t even know what the truth is anymore
But who are they deceiving? Themselves.
A wood-chopping contest
Share! Share!
There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker.
One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not.
This angered him and he took the farmer to court.
The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure.
The farmer replied, your Honor,
“I am primitive
I don’t have a proper measure, but I do have a scale.”
The judge asked, “Then how do you weigh the butter?”
The farmer replied; “Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him.
Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter
If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker.”
What is the moral of the story?
We get back in life what we give to others
Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question:
Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make?
Honesty and dishonesty become a habit
Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a straight face.
Others lie so much that they don’t even know what the truth is anymore
But who are they deceiving? Themselves.
A wood-chopping contest
Share! Share!
21.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. I cant get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A guy goes over to his friend house
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. I cant get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A guy goes over to his friend house
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
22.
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
23.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You turn off the lights for economical reasons, not romantic ones.
You read the obituaries to find eligible women.
Old ladies offer to help you cross the street.
Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.
The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
A beautiful girl walks by and nothing happens.
You have all the answers but nobody is asking you the questions.
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
All the names in your little black book end with MD.
A man asks in a formal tone
Two elderly ladies were enjoying
24.
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
Joe was sitting at a bar.
He was totally depressed.
The bartender, serving him a drink, asked what was wrong.
“I’ll never understand women.” said Joe.
“The other night on my birthday, my wife said as my gift, I could do with her what I wanted.”
“Wow! That’s quite some gift.” said the bartender.
“So why are you so dejected?”
“Well I thought about it for a while” said Joe, “and decided to send her home to her mother, and now she won’t even speak to me!”
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
An old owl was perched on a tree
25.
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
An elderly patient in a mental hospital was being reviewed for possible release.
When asked what he would do if released, he replied,
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place.”
Obviously, his release was denied.
Six months later, the board was again considering his release and again asked him the same question.
His reply was the same.
“I am going to make a slingshot and come back here and break every damn window in the place”.
Again, he was turned down.
Several months later he was complaining to a fellow patient that he could never seem to get released.
The elderly patient asked him what he said when they interviewed him, and he told him.
The elderly patient said, “You will never get released with answers like that. You have to tell them what they want to hear. Let me give you some advice on how to answer them when they ask you questions.”
So, after considerable coaching, the man felt that he was ready.
So when the board met again, they again asked him what he would do if they let him out. But this time he was ready.
He said, “I am going to get a job, find an apartment, and settle down.”
“Good,” they said, and then what?”
He said, “I want to meet a nice girl and start dating.”
They agreed he was making real progress and asked, “And then what”?
“One night when we are alone in my apartment, I am going to make passionate love to my girlfriend. I am going to take her dress off, and then take her corset off and lie her down on the bed.”
“Yes? they said excitedly.
“Then I am going to gently remove her underwear,” he continued.
The board members were really getting excited now and asked,
“Then what are you going to do?”
He said, “I am going to take the elastic out of those underwear, make myself a slingshot, come back here and break every damn window in this place!!!
A lawyer and senior citizen are sitting a train
Johnny decided to ask his dad
26.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
27.
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelite’s out of Egypt.
“When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
“Then he used his walkies-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to bl*w up the bridge and all the Israelite’s were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
A couple was dining out
A polish man is sitting at a bar
Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelite’s out of Egypt.
“When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
“Then he used his walkies-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to bl*w up the bridge and all the Israelite’s were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
A couple was dining out
A polish man is sitting at a bar
28.
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, “This means that I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?”
The judge said that was true. “Does this mean I cannot call a pig Mrs. Johnson?” the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, “Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson.”
A woman is bouncing on her bed
A student called up his Mom
29.
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
30.
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
What bird can do more that others?
A Pelican. What two birds met in the insane asylum?
A Cuckoo and a Loon. What bird lives in Hollywood? A Starling.
What bird can give you splinters? A woodpecker.
What bird works in construction? A Crane.
What bird loves guacamole? A Dipper.
What do you call a bird that picks its nose? A Flicker.
What do you call a bird that works at a restaurant? A Wader.
What bird just got arrested? A Robin.
What bird goes to church? A Cardinal.
What is a man’s favorite bird? A Swallow. What bird does drugs? A Junco.
What bird wears a toupee? A Heron. What bird is in a band? A Rock Dove.
What bird can’t walk straight? A warbler.
What bird parties the most? A Raven
Men at interview
A newly married Liam
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eng jokes