1.
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
A Chinese walks into a bar in Hollywood late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg
As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.
Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, “You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbor, get outta here.”
The astonished Chinese man replied, “It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbor, it was the Japanese”.
“Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you’re all the same,” replied Spielberg.
In return, the Chinese gives Spielberg a slap and says, “You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship.”
Shocked, Spielberg replies, “It was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me.”
The Chinese replies, “Iceberg, Spielberg, Jarlsberg, you’re all the same.”
He lies dying on the sidewalk
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
2.
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
A teacher asks a student:
“What kind of woman would you like to be with when you’re all grown up?”
“A woman like the moon!” Answers the kid.
“That’s beautiful,” breathes the teacher, “what a choice! Because you’d like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?”
“No, I’d like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!”
Three nuns who had recently died
Two Irish nuns have just arrived
3.
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
A newly married Liam goes to the meet Father Charles.
He greets the priest and says, ‘Father, I need to talk to you.’
The Priest asks, ‘Is it a confession, my son?’
Liam replies, ‘No, Father. I need to clarify something.’
The Priest takes Liam to his private chamber and says, ‘Tell me, Liam.
What is it?’
Liam asks, ‘Father, why do some women try to change men after marriage?
My friends keep teasing me about it.’
The Priest smiles and replied, ‘Liam, my son; as the bride walks down the long aisle, she excitedly registers 3 stimuli.
The altar, the choir and the sound of the hymn being sung.
Aisle, Altar, and Hymn. She becomes mesmerized. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
Aisle, Altar, hymn. Aisle, Altar, Hymn.
And finally, as she stops beside the groom, she is already saying to herself… “I’LL ALTER HIM.”
What bird can do more that others
A panel of doctors
4.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. I cant get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A guy goes over to his friend house
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I cant wear your trousers,” she said.
“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell,” he said. I cant get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”
A guy goes over to his friend house
A husband and wife in their 40th wedding anniversary
5.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
6.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”
“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ I’m like, hello? It’s only 25 cents!”
The man pulled over and asked the truck driver
A man joins a soccer team
7.
It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked “Do you know what it is?”
Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”
Little Kenny did so.
The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”
Little Kenny said “No.”
The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF BUM.”
A couple on their first night
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
It was a little boy’s first day in school and a teacher was going to play a “guessing” game.
She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.
When it was the new boy, Kenny’s turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss.
She asked “Do you know what it is?”
Kenny replied “No”
The teacher said, “Go ahead and open it up and taste it.”
Little Kenny did so.
The teacher then asked, “Now do you know what it is?”
Little Kenny said “No.”
The teacher said, “I”ll give you a hint it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work.”
A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams “KENNY, SPIT IT OUT… IT’S A PIECE OF BUM.”
A couple on their first night
Johnny went to the store with his grandmother
8.
It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.
Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.
Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”
He tells his doctor of his concern
Johnny was curious about her mother
It was a bright Sunday morning and Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper at the front porch when his only child came up to him.
“Dad, I’m pregnant,” confessed the child.
Mr. Smith just looked up, shook his head, and continued reading.
“That’s it? Aren’t you going to say something? Are you mad? Are you happy? Won’t you even congratulate me?” cried the child.
Mr. Smith calmly looked at the child and said, “What is wrong with you, Robert?”
He tells his doctor of his concern
Johnny was curious about her mother
9.
Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession.
This is a hilarious example of exactly that.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be in IT”, says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “you must be a manager”.
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Two old men Abe and Sol
Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession.
This is a hilarious example of exactly that.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be in IT”, says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “you must be a manager”.
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Two old men Abe and Sol
10.
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
John and his wife are getting ready for bed.
The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.
“You know love,” she says,
“I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my melons are barely above my waist and my bum is hanging out a mile. I’ve got fat legs and my arms are all flabby.”
She turns to John and says,
“Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself.”
He thinks about it for a bit and then says in a soft voice.
“Well… there’s nothing wrong with your eyesight.”
A old couple in an old folks home
Little Sally asked her dad
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11.
The old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10”.
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why.
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter there is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have £300,000 in your account, but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to £3000.
“Well please let me have £3000 now.”
The teller, with a kind smile, handed £3000 to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and said,
“Please deposit this £2990 back into my account.”
A overweight blonde
Mike was driving home
The old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said, “I would like to withdraw £10”.
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than £100, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why.
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter there is a line of customers behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance.
She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “You have £300,000 in your account, but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to £3000.
“Well please let me have £3000 now.”
The teller, with a kind smile, handed £3000 to her.
The old lady put £10 in her purse and said,
“Please deposit this £2990 back into my account.”
A overweight blonde
Mike was driving home
12.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
13.
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man
One day in the hospital, two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside of the operating room.
The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”
“I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four.
They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O It’s a breeze!”
“Well what are you here for?” the second kid asks.
“A circumcision.” The first kid replays woefully.
The second kid says “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”
A busload of politicians
A blind man
14.
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later: “Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
“Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad…”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
“Five minutes later…
“Daaaa-aaaad…”
“WHAT??!!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
A man walks into a store
A man had been drinking at the bar
15.
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn’t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation.
The doctor checks out his leg, but can’t find anything wrong.
So he gives the old guy a full physical exam, and still can’t come up with any possible explanation for the pain.
The doctor hands the patient his bill and says, “I’m sorry but the pain in your leg is simply caused by old age, there’s nothing I can do about it.”
The old man replies with a look of disbelief, “That’s impossible! That can’t be!”
The Doctor says, “What do you mean? I’m the expert here; if you know so much, how can you say it’s NOT old age?”
The patient answers, “I’m no doctor but it doesn’t take a medical degree to tell that your diagnosis is wrong.
Clearly you’re mistaken. After all my other leg feels just fine.”
“So what?” says the doctor “What difference does that make?”
“Well it doesn’t hurt a bit, and it’s the SAME AGE!”
A Irishman is in the bar
A woman went shopping
16.
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife’s melons a little feel and says,
“Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow.”
His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, “Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens.”
His wife then reaches over and grabs his weapon.
“Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.”
A man scolded his son
What is politics
17.
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup
18.
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
A group of racist Americans imprison a Mexican and plan to take him out
The Mexican insists he became an American citizen.
The Americans promise to let him go if he can prove it by answering their questions.
One of the Americans threatened, “There’s nothin’ I hate more than hearing someone speakin’ anything other than
the American language.
If I catch you speaking just a lick of Spanish on our precious American soil
we’ll immediately deport you with or without a proper quiz.
Do you think I’m bluffing?!”
The Mexican answered “No.”
The Mexican was immediately deported.
Good Old Days
Woman v/s Umbrella Thief
19.
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, ‘I think I will divorce my wife. She hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.’
Charles continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says,
‘You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find.’
A special Christmas gift
Mr Steinberg to the hospital
20.
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Johnny,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher.
“You don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, too!” Little Johnny retorted.
“It means the car won’t start.”
Three nuns were talking
A guy walked into a doctor office
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21.
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second, and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.”
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek, and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: Then you use to bite my neck”
Angrily, he got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
A man was standing in front of mirror
A family enters a large store
22.
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her.
“Would you have lovemaking with me for 10 million dollars?”
Without skipping a beat she screams.
“Yes!”
The man then asks,
“What about for $20?”
She looks at him sideways and says,
“What do you think I am, a whore?”
The man says, “We’ve already established that you are, now we’re just negotiating.”
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A doctor answers his phone
23.
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?”
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
An elderly couple had dinner at another
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen
24.
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
God asks the nun
Do you need help, sir
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses.
He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays.
The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the h*le.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water.
A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the h*le, making a h*le in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
God asks the nun
Do you need help, sir
25.
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Two Irishmen were talking: The first asks, “Connor, you know that guy Trump who is running for President?”
Connor says, “I do Sean, I do.”
“Well”, says Sean, “The next time he gets up to talk, I’d like to see someone throw a shoe at his head”.
“Now, now, you know you’re not supposed to wish harm on anyone”, says Connor.
“Oh!” says Sean, “I’m not wishing him harm, and I just want to see Donald duck.”
A man and his dog walk into a bar
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
26.
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
Open her front door, stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the Lord.”
This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “There is no Lord.”
One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food. Thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch.
The next morning the lady screamed, “Praise the Lord, who gave me this food.”
The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed, “It wasn’t the Lord, it was me.”
The lady without missing a beat screamed,
“Praise the Lord for not only giving me food, but making the atheist pay for it!”
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A elderly couple were killed in an accident
27.
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas.
She’s down to her last $50.
Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”
A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don’t know… why don’t you play your age?”
He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she’d won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.
The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”
The operator replies, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”
A blonde was summoned to court to appear
The couple go home and find the postman groaning in pain
28.
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
A couple went to a bang therapists office
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us having lovemaking, for your expert analysis?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
“There’s nothing wrong with the way you have lovemaking,” and charged them $50/-.
This happened several weeks in a row.
The couple would make an Appointment, have lovemaking with no problems pay the doctor fees and then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find-out?”
The man said, “We’re not trying to find out anything.
She’s married And we can’t go to her house – I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
The 5 star hotel charges $3000/-, 3 star hotel charges $1500/-, Any other hotel charges minimum $500/- for one day room.
We do it here for $50/-, and I get that back from Medical Insurance.”
An elderly man walks into a confessional
A man came to visit his grandparents
29.
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Suddenly Satan appeared
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.”
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen
Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices.
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table
He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man.
“You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
Suddenly Satan appeared
30.
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
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eng jokes