1.
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had lovemaking for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s make love drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him tablet?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the tablet into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best lovemaking that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man comes to his doctor and tells
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had lovemaking for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s make love drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him tablet?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the tablet into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best lovemaking that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man comes to his doctor and tells
2.
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the rubber pack display.
Boy: “Dad, why do they do packs of one protection?”
Dad: “Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights.”
Boy: “So, why do they make packs of three?”
Dad: “For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights.”
Boy: “Then why do they make packs of 12?”
Dad: “Those are for married couples you know, January, February, March.”
A man runs to the doctor
Two couples go on vacation together
3.
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
A country wife came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength, borne of fury, and cutting firewood, lifting sacks of feed, and bales of hay, she dragged him down the stairs, out the back door, and into the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, secured it tightly, and removed the handle.
Next, she picked up an old carpenter’s saw.
The banged up cheater was terrified and hollered, “Stop! Stop! You’re not gonna cut it off with that rusty saw, are you?”
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, put the saw in her husband’s hand and said,
“Nope. You are! I’m gonna burn down the barn!”
A aged farmer and his wife
A old man and old woman got married
4.
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp.
The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard.
Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!”
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
Anne went away to college
A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog.
“Wow! Isn’t that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.”
They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp.
The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard.
Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog.
“Isn’t that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when he’s mad.”
“Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband.
“I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “I’M JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!”
Bobby was sitting porch talking to Grandpa
Anne went away to college
5.
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
6.
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job.
He finds an ad in the paper that says “If you want to succeed be at X address June 15th 12 PM”.
The guy gets a glimpse of hope that he might actually shift his life around so he decides to go.
Day comes and sure thing he is at that specific address at the requested time but discovers only an unfinished office building.
He goes in, elevator taped up, but on the staircase door there’s a sign “If you want to succeed go to the 1st floor”.
He climbs up to the 1st floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 2nd floor”.
He climbs up to the 2nd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 3rd floor”.
He climbs up to the 3rd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 4th floor”.
He climbs up to the 4th floor, no sign.
Baffled he walks around the floor and stumbles upon a door that has written on it “If you want to succeed enter”
Guy enters and as he opens the door he finds a buff scary looking giant man sitting behind a desk.
As he sees the guy enter he sits up from his chair and says “Hello, I’m Ceed, please close the door”.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job.
He finds an ad in the paper that says “If you want to succeed be at X address June 15th 12 PM”.
The guy gets a glimpse of hope that he might actually shift his life around so he decides to go.
Day comes and sure thing he is at that specific address at the requested time but discovers only an unfinished office building.
He goes in, elevator taped up, but on the staircase door there’s a sign “If you want to succeed go to the 1st floor”.
He climbs up to the 1st floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 2nd floor”.
He climbs up to the 2nd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 3rd floor”.
He climbs up to the 3rd floor, another sign “If you want to succeed go to the 4th floor”.
He climbs up to the 4th floor, no sign.
Baffled he walks around the floor and stumbles upon a door that has written on it “If you want to succeed enter”
Guy enters and as he opens the door he finds a buff scary looking giant man sitting behind a desk.
As he sees the guy enter he sits up from his chair and says “Hello, I’m Ceed, please close the door”.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime
A student visits her teacher’s office before finals
7.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
8.
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”
The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church.
So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“
The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.
Husband crying uncontrollably
A poor family
9.
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.
They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.
“I’m pregnant, Mom.
Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.
“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed
“It happened during a school project…”
Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.
“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.
We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.
“Okay… I see where this is going.
But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”
Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:
“I don’t know mom, it was a group project.”
A boy who was a witness to a crime
A man is talking to his best friend
10.
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
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11.
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
These three guys die together in a tragic accident and they all go to heaven.
When they get there, St.Peter greets them and tells them, “We only have one rule here in heaven don’t step on the ducks.”
So, they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck there’s so many, and though they try their utmost to avoid standing on them, the first guy soon accidentally steps on one.
St.Peter then appears with the ugliest woman the guy had ever seen.
St.Peter chains the woman to the guy and says to him, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The next day, the second guy also accidentally steps on a duck.
Once again, St.Peter shows up and with him is another extremely ugly woman.
He chains the woman to the second guy saying, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman!”
The third guy has observed all this and as he really doesn’t want to be chained to an ugly woman for eternity, he’s extremely careful where he steps.
Indeed, he manages to go months without stepping on any ducks one day though, St.Peter appears with the most gorgeous woman the guy has ever laid eyes on.
She’s tall, curvaceous, tanned.
Without a word, St.Peter chains the woman to the third guy.
The guy happily says to the woman, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity?”
The woman replies, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
Two elderly women were out driving
A Priest was being honored
12.
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.”
“He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.”
“As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.”
“Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.”
“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’”
“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.’”
Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
A mans car stalled on a country road
A student came up to a pretty girl
This guy is on the street corner spitting and cussing.
A little old lady goes and gets a cop, telling him about what the guy is doing.
Sure enough, when the cop comes up to the guy he spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop tells him to stop spitting and cussing and then asks him what the problem is.
The man again spits and says, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
The cop again tells him not to spit and cuss and asks him what the problem is.
The man replies, “I was thumbing a ride when this guy stopped and picked me up.”
“He takes off at 100 miles an hour, and I am scared to death.”
“As we entered town, the guy slows down to about 60 miles per hour and skids into an alley where again he picks up speed.”
“Right in front of us are two 18-wheelers parked on either side of the alley with only four feet between them.”
“I screamed out ‘We are going to die!’”
“Then right before we were going to crash I looked over and told the guy, ‘If you get us out of this alive, I will fellate you.’”
Again he spits and tells the cop, “Damn, that guy can drive a car.”
A mans car stalled on a country road
A student came up to a pretty girl
13.
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed…
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.’
And on and on and on too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over undressed, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN.
A blind man
There was an engineer
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed…
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this?
Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it.’
And on and on and on too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over undressed, drying his legs and feet.
‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.
He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN.
A blind man
There was an engineer
14.
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
A man is talking to the family doctor
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator
15.
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
A man goes to take out a loan.
The loan officer comes over immediately.
“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.
“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.
The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.
So, the man holds out his hand and opens his palm, saying: “These are the keys to my car, which is sitting out front. Here are the documents, as well”.
The loan officer peeks out the window and sees a brand new Ferrari parallel parked directly in front of the bank.
“One moment, please.”
The loan officer walks into a back office to consult with the president of the bank.
Everything checks out. So, after sharing a laugh with the president at this man leaving a $750,000 car as security for a $5,000 loan, the loan officer returns and tells the man that they will happily accept the Ferrari.
An employee of the bank then drives the car into the bank’s underground garage and parks it.
Two weeks later, the man returns and pays the $5,000 plus interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer smiles and says: “Sir, we are very happy to have your business. This transaction has worked out very nicely. But to be honest, we are a little bit puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. So what puzzled us is why you’d bother to borrow $5,000?”
The man replies: “Where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for just $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
Johnny and Susie were playing
16.
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
A young couple moves into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they are eating breakfast.
The young woman sees her neighbor hanging the wash outside…
“That laundry is not very clean”, she said.
“She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on but remained silent.
Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry,
The young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband:
“Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband said, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life. What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look.
Wife questioned her husband about his new secretary
A elderly couple walk into a restaurant
17.
Three brothers each marry a woman.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A father watched his young daughter
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
Three brothers each marry a woman.
The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.”
He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy.
The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked.
The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her:
“When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.”
On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either.
On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.
A father watched his young daughter
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
18.
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, “Take another drink”!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store
A blonde walks into the police department
A man is waiting for wife to give birth.
The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.
Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink”!
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, “Take another drink”!
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left…. then to the right…. right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, “That boy should have quit while he was a head.”
A woman goes into a sporting goods store
A blonde walks into the police department
19.
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down
A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.
“I’m shocked!” she complained.
“This is three times what you normally charge.”
“Yes, I know,” said the dentist.
“But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients.”
A hunter ventures into the forest
A laywoman was driving down
20.
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his make love life.
The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but he couldn’t get a clear picture of the problems.
Finally he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having lovemaking?”
“Well, yes, I did once.”
“And how did she look?”
“Oh boy, she looked very angry!”
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere.
“Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during make love. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”
“She was watching us through the window.”
A elderly lady went to the doctor
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids
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21.
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.”.
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, “That was excellent!!
Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”
A old lady went to the doctor
Three women were talking
A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she’d do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said “Your swing is good but you’re gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband’s weapon.”.
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, “That was excellent!!
Let’s try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth.”
A old lady went to the doctor
Three women were talking
22.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?”
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want why won’t you kiss me?
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A woman walks into the city center
A man hears a voice
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter?”
I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want why won’t you kiss me?
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer, I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A woman walks into the city center
A man hears a voice
23.
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
24.
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
A man in a pub asks for a beer.
The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.” “One dollar?” exclaims the man.
Reading the menu, he says,
“Could I have steak and chips?” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”
“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”
The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”
The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home
A man calls his house
25.
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
A little girl and a little boy are sitting in the sand pit.
They are showing their private parts.
They both ask each other ”what is it?”
They both replied ”I don’t know?” so that same day when the boy went home he asked his dad what it was his dad said ”It’s a red farahri you can park it in any pink garage.”
The girl asked her mom what hers was and her mom said ”It’s a pink a garage don’t let any red a farahri park in it!”
The next day the girl came home with blood all over her hands.
Her mom said ”whats that?”
Girl: Blood!”
Mom: ”From what?”
Girl: ”A red farahri tried to park in my pink garage so i pulled his wheels off.
Anna and blonde are walking home
Three guys are on a plane
26.
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
Johnny wanted to get his mom a special Christmas gift, but she was notoriously hard to shop for.
As he walked past a pet store, he thought, “Maybe a pet would be a good idea.”
Entering the store, he asked the manager for suggestions.
“How about a puppy?” the manager offered.
“No,” Johnny replied. “It might make a mess in the house.”
“A fish, perhaps?”
“No, her house is too small for an aquarium.”
Just then, Johnny noticed a parrot and asked, “What about that parrot?”
The manager smiled and said, “That’s Chet. He’s amazing but very expensive.”
Johnny thought for a moment and said, “It’s for my mom. Let’s check him out.”
The manager approached Chet, held a lighter under his left wing, and the parrot began singing, “Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…”
Then he moved the lighter under Chet’s right wing, and the bird sang, “Dashing through the snow…”
“Wow!” Johnny exclaimed. “What else can he sing?”
The manager brought the lighter closer to Chet’s crotch, and the parrot belted out, “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.”
Three men pass away on Christmas Day
Two men are out just fishing quietly
27.
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
The doctor tells his patient: “Well I have good news and bad news…”
The patient says, “Lay it on me Doc. What’s the bad news?”
“You have Alzheimer’s disease.”
“Good heavens! What’s the good news?”
“You can go home and forget about it!”
A couple were making their first doctor visit
A man was pulled over for speeding down
28.
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
Two kids are talking to each other.
One says, “I’m really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I’m worried sick!”
The other kid says, “What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you’ve got it made!”
The first kid says, “What if they try to escape?”
A family enters a large store
A guy went fishing with his friend
29.
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary
A little boy walks in on his parents having make love,
his dad says Jacob please leave me and mommy are trying to make you a brother or sister
and the child replies, Daddy do in doggy style I want puppy.
One night a little girl walks
A boss said to his secretary
30.
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
A man wakes up from his operation and the doctor says ‘I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?’
The man says ‘bad’ so the doctor says ‘during the surgery your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man’ the man says ‘what’s the good then?’
And the doctor says ‘I’m picking her up at 7’
Two old farmers are talking
One day, Einstein has to speak
Tags:
eng jokes