1.
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
A work-related accident claim
One night four college students
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
A work-related accident claim
One night four college students
2.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
3.
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway.”
“Your mom and I first got together in an internet chat room.”
“Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe.”
“We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.”
“As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.”
“Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, ‘You got Male.’”
A man and woman were soon to be married
A couple returns from their honeymoon
The father answers, “Well, son, I guess one day you were going to find out anyway.”
“Your mom and I first got together in an internet chat room.”
“Then I set up a date via e-mail and we met at a cybercafe.”
“We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.”
“As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.”
“Since it was too late to hit the delete button, a little Pop-up window appeared nine months later that said, ‘You got Male.’”
A man and woman were soon to be married
A couple returns from their honeymoon
4.
It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”
The man says, “I’m having a cookout this weekend. I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”
The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”
The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per pound.”
“Three twenty nine!?!” exclaimed the customer. “Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!”
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”
“No. He’s out of it right now.”
“Well,” says the butcher. “When I don’t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!
A doctor just finishes his check-up
Why do you want more pay
It’s a summer holiday weekend and a man walks into a butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”
The man says, “I’m having a cookout this weekend. I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”
The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”
The man, disappointed goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”
The proprietor replies, “It’s $3.29 per pound.”
“Three twenty nine!?!” exclaimed the customer. “Just up the street he sells it for 29 cents!”
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”
“No. He’s out of it right now.”
“Well,” says the butcher. “When I don’t have any, I can sell it for 19 cents per pound!
A doctor just finishes his check-up
Why do you want more pay
5.
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
A little boy asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The little boy then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The little boy run back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A man calls the hospital
6.
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Ted was a young boy who used to spend all of his time playing sports and making music.
He never went on the computer because his parents forbid him from touching any computer because they knew all the bad stuff you could find on the internet.
Nevertheless, Ted was happy and went on without computers until he got to high school.
All his friends were playing video games and having fun and he started to feel a bit left out, so when he got home one day from school, he begged his mother to get him a computer.
“Please mother, please, all my friends are playing computer games!”
He would cry, but his mother continued to deny him.
1 week later the issue rose again in his friends group at school and everyone was confused why Ted couldn’t play video games with him.
After repetitive failure from his mother, he asked his dad.
“Please father, please, all my friends are playing it!” But his father denied him as well.
Ted was really angry and all he wanted to do was play online with his friends every once in a while.
He thought he’d take matters into his own hands and he stole his fathers computer and hid it in his room.
That night he played with his friends for hours and hours until morning, then he secretly stayed home and played all day.
His dad didn’t notice until that afternoon, when he walked into his office and his computer was missing, so he asked his son Ted if he touched it.
Ted owned up and gave the computer back, but had a tantrum afterwards.
“WHY DON’T I GET TO PLAY WITH MY FRIENDS” he yelled in tears.
Feeling pity, his dad finally bought him a laptop.
Ted was on it 10 hours a day and refused when his parents told him to get off.
After 2 months nothing had changed and his parents started to get worried about his well being.
They approached him to talk about it. Ted agreed, but only if he could play video games whilst they talked.
“So Ted” his mother said, “we’ve been worrying about you lately” “uh-hu” Ted said.
“Seriously son!” His father yelled, “this needs to stop!” “Mhm yep” Ted replied.
“Are you listening to us Ted?” His mother said, but Ted didn’t even reply.
“You know what son?” His father yelled, “you are a tool Ted.”
Three guys are sitting around the campfire
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
7.
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house.
They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their physician get some help.
Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders.
The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor’s office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said,
“Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don’t you write that down so you won’t forget?”
“Nonsense,” said the husband, “I can remember a dish of ice cream!”
“Well,” said the wife, “I’d also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you’ll forget.”
“Don’t be silly,” replied the husband.
“A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!”
“OK, dear, but I’d like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you’d really better write it down now. You’ll forget,” said the wife.
“Come now, my memory’s not all that bad,” said the husband.
“No problem a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream.”
And with that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him.
The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream.
He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs.
The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, “Hey, where’s the toast?”
Susie asks her mummy
The grandfather spend time with his grandson
8.
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along.
She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried.
She asks, “What if the baby starts coming, and I can’t get to the hospital in time?”
The doctor replies, “Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors.
It’s a very natural process.
The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant.”
The blonde interrupts with,
“Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window
The pick-up couple was relaxing after lovemaking
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
9.
The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets.
He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns the owner didn’t even see me.”
The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.
The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside.
He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?”
The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”
Two beggars live in a forest
A beggar was given a piece of bread
The Lawyer looks around shrewdly, grabs three freshly baked buns and quickly puts them into his pockets.
He says to the Priest, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns the owner didn’t even see me.”
The Priest replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’II show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Priest then proceeded to call out to the owner of the bakery, “Sir, I want to show you a miracle of the lord.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see what the priest was talking about.
The Priest asked him for a bun, and then he proceeded to give it to a homeless-looking man outside.
He asked two more times, and after once again handing the buns out, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the miracle?”
The Priest said, “Look in the Lawyer’s pockets.”
Two beggars live in a forest
A beggar was given a piece of bread
10.
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting but all the good fields they found were posted “No Trespassing.”
Being a law-abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their car and went to a farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields.
The Salt Lake hunter assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said he would allow the hunting of his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor.
“You see that old horse over there by your car? Well, he’s old and he’s got the miseries, But he’s sort of a family pet, and I can’t bring myself to shoot him will you shoot him for me?”
The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son.
As he approached the car, his son asked, “Well, can we hunt the fields?”
The man, pretending to be angry, responded, “You know these farmers, they won’t let anybody hunt here it makes me so mad, I could….I could.”
The man picked up his gun and shot the farmer’s horse.
But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him.
He turned around and his son said, “You got his horse, I got his dog and cow now let’s get outta here!”
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A cowboy
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter took his son to Idaho to do a little shooting but all the good fields they found were posted “No Trespassing.”
Being a law-abiding pheasant hunter (as surely all Utah pheasant hunters are) the man left his son by their car and went to a farm house to ask the farmer if they might hunt in his fields.
The Salt Lake hunter assured the farmer that no damage would be done to his fields or fences, and the farmer said he would allow the hunting of his fields, if the hunter would do him a favor.
“You see that old horse over there by your car? Well, he’s old and he’s got the miseries, But he’s sort of a family pet, and I can’t bring myself to shoot him will you shoot him for me?”
The hunter agreed, and as he was walking back to his car, he decided to play a joke on his son.
As he approached the car, his son asked, “Well, can we hunt the fields?”
The man, pretending to be angry, responded, “You know these farmers, they won’t let anybody hunt here it makes me so mad, I could….I could.”
The man picked up his gun and shot the farmer’s horse.
But to his surprise, he heard additional gunshots behind him.
He turned around and his son said, “You got his horse, I got his dog and cow now let’s get outta here!”
The Old Man Was Fishing In A Puddle
A cowboy
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11.
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
76 million are retired.
That leaves 251 million to do the work.
There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.
Which leaves 203 million to do the work.
There are 74 million children younger than 6.
Which leaves 129 million to do the work.
There are 95.2 million children and young adults in school.
Which leaves 33.8 million to do the work.
At any given time, there are roughly 4 million people on vacation.
Which leaves 29.8 million to do the work.
Of this there are 15 million employed by the federal government, not including the military.
Leaving 14.8 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with North Korea and the Middle East.
Which leaves 12 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments.
And that leaves 1.2 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,012,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,011,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
A leper goes to watch a baseball game
A young lady was waiting for her flight
12.
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
There was once a man who was looking to create a new idiom.
He was having trouble thinking of one, so he decided to look around there. He didn’t find anything.
So he got into his car, drove to town, and looked around there for inspiration.
As you can probably guess, he had no luck.
The man eventually gave up and went to see a friend on their farm. He was driving as he passed down a rustic looking well.
He pulled over and rushed to closer inspect the well.
It was located near the ocean, it had a handle to pull up the bucket that had a weight on the other side, and it looked very old.
The man was suddenly struck with inspiration. He ran home and told other people. His idiom?
Well, Weight and Sea. I’ll tell you in a bit
3 sailors get stranded on an island
A lady goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot
13.
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second.
“But then everything changed that’s why I’m here I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that my husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearies.”
The librarian handed the chicken a book
Fox & Rooster
Two women were sitting in the doctor’s waiting room comparing notes on their various disorders.
“I want a baby more than anything in the world,” said the first, “But I guess it is impossible.”
“I used to feel just the same way,” said the second.
“But then everything changed that’s why I’m here I’m going to have a baby in three months.”
“You must tell me what you did.”
“I went to a faith healer.”
“But I’ve tried that my husband and I went to one for nearly a year and it didn’t help a bit.”
The other woman smiled and whispered, “Try going alone, next time, dearies.”
The librarian handed the chicken a book
Fox & Rooster
14.
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist
15.
There, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing.” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and I’ll buy you a drink.”
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart a.., cannot resist asking, so how many have you caught today?
The old man sipped his whiskey, and said, you’re the 8th.
A doctor entered the hospital
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
There, standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water.
A passer-by stopped and asked him, “What are you doing?”
“Fishing.” replied the old man.
Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and I’ll buy you a drink.”
In the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart a.., cannot resist asking, so how many have you caught today?
The old man sipped his whiskey, and said, you’re the 8th.
A doctor entered the hospital
A Salt Lake pheasant hunter
16.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
17.
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”
Santa was traveling in a train
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket.
He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.
The fisherman says to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets.
Everyday I come done to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day.”
The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license.
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “If you don’t believe me then watch,” as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, “Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water.”
The fisherman turns to the warden and says, “What lobsters ?”
Santa was traveling in a train
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation
18.
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
“How did everything go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time.
But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language.
Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words.
You’ve got to come get me and take me home Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset….
Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
Jean was out walking with grandfather
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
As soon as the newlyweds returned from their honeymoon, the young bride called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
“How did everything go?” her mom asked.
“Oh, mother,” she began, “The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time.
But, mother, on our way back, Andy started using really horrible language.
Stuff I’d never heard before Really terrible four-letter words.
You’ve got to come get me and take me home Please, Mother!” the new bride sobbed over the telephone.
“But, honey,” the mother countered, “What four-letter words?”
“I can’t tell you, mother, they’re too awful! Come get me, please!”
“Darling, you must tell me what has gotten you so upset….
Tell mother what four-letter words he used.”
Still sobbing, the bride said, “Mother, words like dust, wash, iron, cook.”
Jean was out walking with grandfather
One day Nasreddin Hodja quarrelled
19.
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
20.
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
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21.
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, would you like some?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this!
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two old women were sitting on a bench
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, would you like some?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said, “my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this!
A horse a cow and a chicken live on a farm
Two old women were sitting on a bench
22.
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
23.
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a harden, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A foursome of senior golfers
This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance.
She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one.
While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, “You really smell terrific. What’s that you have on?”
The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5.
Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, “You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?”
“Well, I’ve got a harden, but I didn’t think you could smell it,” the guy replied.
A English teacher spent a lot of time
A foursome of senior golfers
24.
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says: “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up.
Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch.
Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers: “Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?”
The Doctor replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
The cabbie said no problem
They were reaching a stalemate
25.
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be a load of rubbish, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table.
The waiter asks, “What would you like to eat today, Sir?”
Man: “I would like an elephant’s ear and a muffin to eat, please.”
Waiter: “Give us just a moment.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he’s going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else.
At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, “Apologies Sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?”
The man is stunned he didn’t think they’d get to this moment.
Man: “Uhhh… An Indian elephant is fine.”
Waiter: “Thank you.”
The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: “And which side did you want the ear from?”
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: “Uhhhh… Left ear, I guess…”
Waiter: “Splendid.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: “Here is your order sir we do apologize, but we are out of muffins for today.”
A Policeman Catches A Man
The priest asks a little Joey
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be a load of rubbish, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table.
The waiter asks, “What would you like to eat today, Sir?”
Man: “I would like an elephant’s ear and a muffin to eat, please.”
Waiter: “Give us just a moment.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he’s going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else.
At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, “Apologies Sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?”
The man is stunned he didn’t think they’d get to this moment.
Man: “Uhhh… An Indian elephant is fine.”
Waiter: “Thank you.”
The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: “And which side did you want the ear from?”
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: “Uhhhh… Left ear, I guess…”
Waiter: “Splendid.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: “Here is your order sir we do apologize, but we are out of muffins for today.”
A Policeman Catches A Man
The priest asks a little Joey
26.
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
Week after week, the man came to his pastor with a big problem.
“When I go to bed, I can’t sleep because I’m afraid of monsters under my bed.
I know it’s silly, but I can’t help it.”
The pastor recommended prayer, reading the Bible, singing hymns, keeping the lights on, but nothing worked.
One Sunday the man came to church happy and well rested.
He got the answer from his friend the carpenter.
“He told me just to cut the legs off the bed!”
His new girlfriend demanded
A local priest
27.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A man was walking down the street
A little boy was afraid of the dark
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation, “I now pronounce you man and wife.”
A man was walking down the street
A little boy was afraid of the dark
28.
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day.
It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard.
Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.
She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny, David?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard.
Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard.
Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.
She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny, Billy?”
“Well, ma’am, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!”
This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again.
So she bends over to pick it up.
This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student.
She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.
“Heck, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
Little Johnny asked a questions to his teacher
Two Blondes living in Kansas
29.
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
A man hasn’t been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup.
Afterward the doctor comes in with the results.
“I’m afraid I have some very bad news,” the doctor says.
“You’re dying, and you don’t have much time left.”
“Oh, that’s terrible!” says the man.
“How long have I got?”
“Ten,” the doctor says sadly.
“Ten?!?!” the man asks.
“Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?”
“Nine…”
A stingy old lawyer
A teacher told her young class
30.
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue.
She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two Precious dolls were in the box.
She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving.
He almost burst with Happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.’
A man stopped at a flower shop
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
Tags:
eng jokes