1.
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
3 nuns go to mother superior and say they don’t want to be nuns anymore.
Mother superior says “Ok but you have to go and do something unholy.”
The next day, the first nun goes to mother superior and says “I stole a kids bike!”
Mother superior replies “Ok, that is un-holy. Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The second nun goes and says “I slept with a married man!” Mother superior replies,
“That is unholy enough.
Go and drink from the holy water and you will no longer be a nun.”
The third nun goes up to mother superior and says
“Mother superior, Mother superior!” “Yes?” Replies Mother superior.
“What have you done for your unholy act “I pissed in the holy water!”
A girl goes into her father’s study
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson
2.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
3.
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
One of the priests said, “Sometimes it feels like such a burden to always be the one who listens to other people’s problems.
I can only talk about my sins with the bishop, and he just visits once a year…”
The others nodded in agreement
Suddenly, one of them said, “Wait a minute, we can forgive other people’s sins, why don’t we just confess to each other?”
The others were hesitant at this proposition, but eventually one of them said, “My brothers, I have a great sin to confess: I am an incurable gambler, and sometimes I steal money from the alms box…”
The others were taken aback by this, but forgave their fellow priest.
The next one said, “Brother, your sin is nothing compared to mine – I’m a lecherous womanizer!
There’s not a woman between 18 and 85 in my congregation that I haven’t been with!”
The others were surprised, but still forgave their fellow priest.
The third priest, who was 90 years old, was unwilling to confess his greatest sin.
After some coaxing, he finally said, “Okay then
My brothers, I am a notorious tattletale – I can never seem to keep my mouth shut…”
A beautiful parrot
A priest was being honoured
4.
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
They have another funeral for her.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall please!”
A teacher told her young class
A old man lived in the village
5.
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain.
He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.”
A cowboy is riding his horse
A married man affair with his secretary
A man walks out to the street and stops a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman… he was a cabbie who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, he was always in the right place at the right time. Things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy, perfect in every way.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. And he could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right, he never made a mistake, he was perfect!!”
Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
He was the best lover in bed, and could take his wife to the top of the mountain.
He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong. His clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “This Frank Feldman was an amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well… I never actually met Frank. He died, and I have the pleasure of being married to his widow.”
A cowboy is riding his horse
A married man affair with his secretary
6.
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
A few months after his parents were divorced,
little Johnny passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”
I need a man, I need a man!”
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning.
“Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike.
Dead Donkey
A blonde walked into a department store
7.
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
A man enters a barber shop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
“Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber.
“Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
Two buddies Bob and Earl
A grandmother was surprised
8.
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
9.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie theater for the latest superhero saga with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
” I meant my dress size,you idiot!!!”
The moral story: Even when a man is listening, hes gonna get it wrong.
A grandmother was surprised
He gets into the taxi
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park.
What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie theater for the latest superhero saga with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&Ms.
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
“Well dear, what was it like being eight again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
” I meant my dress size,you idiot!!!”
The moral story: Even when a man is listening, hes gonna get it wrong.
A grandmother was surprised
He gets into the taxi
10.
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man’s face was severely burned.
The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin.
However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her b**ttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret after all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man’s new face.
He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?”
My darling,” she replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”
A husband and wife have four sons
She never took an interest in religious studies
11.
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
As she was walking through a lovely park, she noticed a sad man sitting on a bench.
Next to him, there was a very tiny person playing a tiny piano. The woman got quite curious, and decided to approach and ask what was going on.
She said, “Hello, what a cute little musician you’ve got there. Where did you find him?”
The man replied, “I met a genie who told me that I could make a wish, any wish.”
“Really?!?” the woman asked.
“Where did you find him?”
“I came upon this lamp while I was vacationing in Egypt,” the man said, and pulled out a small lamp out of his backpack.
The woman was getting really excited.
“Wow! Can I try it?”
“Sure, but wait.”
The man didn’t have time to complete his sentence before the woman had grabbed the lamp and rubbed it vigorously.
A genie appeared and said in a booming voice, “You are hereby granted one wish Choose well!”
The man tried to interject, “Now wait just a-” but the woman instantly blurted out “I wish for a million bucks!”
Suddenly, one million ducks appeared around them. The noise from all the quacking around them was deafening.
The genie bowed and disappeared into the lamp.
The woman said, “Awh shoot I wished for a million bucks, not a million ducks you know what, I think your genie’s hard of hearing.”
The man replied, “You’re telling me… Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
The friendly usher
A Vicar goes to the dentist
12.
A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”
Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door.
“Can I have a drink please?”
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”
The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”
“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”
The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!”
Two teenagers Fred and Joe
A man goes into a coffee shop
A man walks into a bar, already drunk, and asks for a drink.
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you obviously already had a little too much to drink.”
Fuming mad the man staggers out the front door and walks back in through the side door.
“Can I have a drink please?”
“Sorry,” the bartender says, “but you can’t have a drink here.”
The man staggers out again and then stumbles his way back in through the back door. “Can I please have a drink?”
“Enough!” the bartender screamed. “I told you, no drinks!”
The man looks at the bartender closely and exclaims “Geez! How many bars do you work at?!”
Two teenagers Fred and Joe
A man goes into a coffee shop
13.
There are 2 different approaches for each loves.
For Males OBSERVATIONS
the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
heart rate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
pupils constrict slightly instinctively in preparation for flight/fight response
sweat pores extend slightly to reduce heat and give the appearance of being cool CONCLUSION If all these match then the subject has a high probability of having lied in response to the question
For Females OBSERVATIONS
Is she breathing?
Is her mouth open and words are coming out of them? CONCLUSION she’s lying.
A guy and his wife go golfing
I’ve made a severe and continuous
There are 2 different approaches for each loves.
For Males OBSERVATIONS
the eyes deviate slightly to the left indicating the Male is accessing the creative part of the brain
heart rate elevates in an attempt to support the strain of the creative effort
pupils constrict slightly instinctively in preparation for flight/fight response
sweat pores extend slightly to reduce heat and give the appearance of being cool CONCLUSION If all these match then the subject has a high probability of having lied in response to the question
For Females OBSERVATIONS
Is she breathing?
Is her mouth open and words are coming out of them? CONCLUSION she’s lying.
A guy and his wife go golfing
I’ve made a severe and continuous
14.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of melons are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, there are three kinds of melons.
In her 20’s, a woman’s are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30’s to 40’s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, ‘Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’.
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20’s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30’s and 40’s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50’s, it is like a Christmas Tree.’
‘A Christmas tree?’
‘Yes – the root’s dead and the balls are just for decoration.’
Harry walks in the bathroom
A husband and his wife sitting in a bar
15.
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
A nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.”
“Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?”
Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.”
“What a wonderful answer!” the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your legs.”
She looked at him with confusion.
“Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?”
“Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’ If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, we’d have lost her.”
A man and his wife were sitting in the living room
A man and his wife are travelling through
16.
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly.
After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until he crashes heavily into the ground with a hard knock on his shell.
After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again.
The little turtle persisted again and again while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch watched the turtle with pain.
Suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
Three Guys Go In For A Job Interview
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
17.
A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.
As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”
“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”
The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”
Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”
And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”
A elderly couple were sitting together
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A little boy said, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
“Why sure you can,” his grandfather replied.
As he sat on his grandfather’s lap he said, “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”
“A sound like a frog? Well, sure Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”
The boy said, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”
Perplexed, his grandfather said, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”
And the little boy said, “Because Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”
A elderly couple were sitting together
A man and woman were having marriage problems
18.
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking
Young boy gets suspended from school.
His mother was furious, and yelled ” “What did you do this time?!”
The boy said all I did was tell a joke.
He said he told the joke to his friends in class, and they laughed so hard they pooped their pants.
Then the teacher asked me what I said to them, and so I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants too.
Then he sent me to the principal’s office and when the principal asked me why I was there, I told him the joke, and he laughed so hard he pooped his pants.
So he suspended me.
His mother said skeptically, “For telling a joke?”
The boy said no ma’am, for starting shit.
Gifts to grandpa
Two old farmers are talking
19.
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
Haggard and tired Fred returns home from a long day of golf with his golf buddies.
Fred’s wife greets him at the door and seeing his condition exclaims, “Honey, you look awful, how was your game?”
Heaving a sigh, Fred replies, “Worst game of golf I’ve ever played.”
His wife asked what happened.
He went on to explain, “Charlie had a heart attack and dropped dead on the first tee.”
“Oh, that’s just terrible,” his wife exclaimed.
“It WAS terrible,” Fred replied.
“All day long it was: Hit the ball, drag Charlie, hit the ball, drag Charlie.”
You Are All The Same
A duck walks into a general store
20.
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.
She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight.
So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little.
She tried to step up onto the steps again.
But it was still to tight.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight.
She tried one more time.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
And she still couldn’t get up onto the bus.
So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the bum.
He gives her a boost onto the bus.
She turns around and slaps him and saying
“What do you think you are doing.”
Well the man says:
* * * * * * * * *
“Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted.”
A store that sells husbands
An old woman had 3 daughters
This lady that was wearing a tight skirt was waiting at the bus stop to get onto the bus.
A bus pulled up and the driver opened the doors.
She tried to step up onto the step but her skirt was too tight.
So she reached back to unzip and loosen it a little.
She tried to step up onto the steps again.
But it was still to tight.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
Tried to step up again and the skirt was still to tight.
She tried one more time.
She reached back and unzipped some more.
And she still couldn’t get up onto the bus.
So this man behind her reaches and grabs her by the bum.
He gives her a boost onto the bus.
She turns around and slaps him and saying
“What do you think you are doing.”
Well the man says:
* * * * * * * * *
“Well lady after you unzipped my pants for the third time I thought we was acquainted.”
A store that sells husbands
An old woman had 3 daughters
21.
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
Two little boys go into the grocery store.
One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.
The cashier asks “Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?”
The nine year old replies “Nope, not for my mom.”
Without thinking, the cashier responded “Well, they must be for your sister then?”
The nine year old quipped, “Nope, not for my sister either.”
The cashier had now become curious “Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?”
The nine year old says “They’re for my four year old little brother.”
The cashier is surprised “Your four year old little brother??”
The nine year old explains: “Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can’t do either of them!”
Three women are about to be executed for crimes
A lady came to the hospital
22.
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does loving, the woman never achieves peak.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to lovemaking pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an peak.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”
Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming peak.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT’S THE WAY TO WAVE A TOWEL!”
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
A wife found her husband standing
An older Jewish gentleman marries a younger lady and they are very much in love.
However, no matter what the husband does loving, the woman never achieves peak.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to lovemaking pleasure, they decide to ask the rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following suggestion.
“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and should bring on an peak.”
They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice.
They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love.
But it doesn’t help and she is still unsatisfied.
Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi.
“Okay”, says the rabbi, “let’s try it reversed.
Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them.”
Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice.
The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.
The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking screaming peak.
The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him triumphantly, “You see, THAT’S THE WAY TO WAVE A TOWEL!”
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
A wife found her husband standing
23.
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
On Christmas Eve, the king invited the prime minister to join him for their usual walk together
He enjoyed seeing the decorations in the streets, but since he didn’t want his subjects to spend too much money on these just to please him.
The two men always disguised themselves as traders from some far distant land.
They walked through the center of the city, admiring the lights, the Christmas trees, the candles burning on the steps of the houses, the stalls selling gifts, and the men, women and children hurrying off to celebrate a family Christmas around a table laden with food.
On the way back, they passed through a poorer area, where the atmosphere was quite different.
There were no lights, no candles, no delicious smells of food about to be served there was hardly a soul in the street, and, as he did every year, the king remarked to the prime minister that he really must pay more attention to the poor in his kingdom.
The prime minister nodded, knowing that the matter would soon be forgotten again, buried beneath the day-to-day bureaucracy of budgets to be approved and discussions with foreign dignitaries.
Suddenly, they heard music coming from one of the poorest houses.
The hut was so ramshackle and the rotten wooden timbers so full of cracks, that they were able to peer through and see what was happening inside.
And what they saw was utterly absurd: an old man in a wheelchair apparently crying, a shaven-headed young woman dancing, and a young man with sad eyes shaking a tambourine and singing a folk song.
‘I’m going to find out what they’re up to,’ said the king.
He knocked the music stopped, and the young man came to the door.
‘We are merchants in search of a place to sleep we heard the music, saw that you were still awake, and wondered if we could spend the night here.’
‘You can find shelter in a hotel in the city we, alas, cannot help you despite the music, this house is full of sadness and suffering.’
‘And may we know why?’
‘It’s all because of me.’ It was the old man in the wheelchair who spoke.
‘I’ve spent my life teaching my son calligraphy, so that he could one day get a job as a palace scribe.
But the years have passed and no post has ever come up and then, last night, I had a stupid dream: an angel appeared to me and asked me to buy a silver goblet because, the angel said, the king would be coming to visit me.
He would drink from the goblet and give my son a job.
A old Man walked into the bank
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
24.
The husband slices his tee shot into the trees.
They find the ball resting behind an oak.
The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him.
“Honey, from here I can see the flag stick why not try to reach the green?”
He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.
The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes.
She is killed instantly.
A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife.
He hits an identical slice they find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.
Just as he’s about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, “Wait, honey! From here I can see…”
“Oh, hell no!” he spurts.
“Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!”
A little girl whispered to her mother
A father was reading a magazine
The husband slices his tee shot into the trees.
They find the ball resting behind an oak.
The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him.
“Honey, from here I can see the flag stick why not try to reach the green?”
He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.
The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes.
She is killed instantly.
A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife.
He hits an identical slice they find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.
Just as he’s about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, “Wait, honey! From here I can see…”
“Oh, hell no!” he spurts.
“Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!”
A little girl whispered to her mother
A father was reading a magazine
25.
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.
The creditor said to the judge.
“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.
I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”
“I do owe him money,” said Nasreddin Hodja, “and I intend to pay him, I’ll sell my cow and horse if necessary, but it’ll take time.”
“He is lying,” said the other man.
“He doesn’t have a cow or horse or anything of value for that matter, I am told he doesn’t even have food in his house!”
“When he knows I am so poor, O Judge,” said Nasreddin Hodja, “ask him how he expects me to pay him immediately.”
The judge dismissed the case.
The captain saw a pirate ship
A elderly man Jimmy was walking down
Nasreddin Hodja was once brought before a judge by a man to whom he owed some money.
The creditor said to the judge.
“This man owes me 500 dinars which are long overdue.
I request your excellency to order him to pay me immediately, without further delay.”
“I do owe him money,” said Nasreddin Hodja, “and I intend to pay him, I’ll sell my cow and horse if necessary, but it’ll take time.”
“He is lying,” said the other man.
“He doesn’t have a cow or horse or anything of value for that matter, I am told he doesn’t even have food in his house!”
“When he knows I am so poor, O Judge,” said Nasreddin Hodja, “ask him how he expects me to pay him immediately.”
The judge dismissed the case.
The captain saw a pirate ship
A elderly man Jimmy was walking down
26.
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: “Drinks for all on me including you, bartender.”
So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: “That will be $36.50 please.”
The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender.
Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money.
So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender.
“What, no drink for me?” replies the bartender.
“Oh, no. You get violent when you drink.”
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
Two men died and went to Heaven
27.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
28.
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
On Christmas Eve, little Timmy made a wish that Santa would deliver the best gift ever.
When he woke up the next morning, he ran downstairs to find… a giant pile of socks, mittens, and a sweater.
Timmy was disappointed and said, “Santa didn’t listen to my wish!”
His dad smiled and said, “Well, Timmy, the true Christmas miracle is warmth and these socks will keep your feet cozy all year long!”
Timmy thought for a second, then grinned.
“Next year, I’ll just ask for a heating pad!”
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake
A blonde gets on an airplane
29.
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen — a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others — were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.
The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter.
After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church.
How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him, “While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car.
She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
There was a loser
Morris had died
30.
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
Tags:
eng jokes