1.
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse of my judgment and I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m simply here to apologize.
So what we came across that day in the woods was obviously unplanned and the reactions you saw on tape were raw they were unfiltered.
None of us knew how to react or how to feel.
I should have never posted the video.
I should have put the cameras down and stopped recording what we were going through.
There’s a lot of things I should have done differently but I didn’t and for that from the bottom of my heart I am sorry.
I want to apologize to the Internet.
I want to apologize to anyone who’s seen the video.
I want to apologize to anyone who has been affected or touched by mental illness or depression or suicide but most importantly I want to apologize to the victim and his family.
For my fans who are defending my actions please don’t they do not deserve to be defended.
The goal with my content is always to entertain to push the boundaries to be all inclusive in the world I live in.
I share almost everything I do the intent is never to be heartless cruel or malicious.
Like I said I’ve made a huge mistake I don’t expect to be forgiven I’m just here to apologize.
I’m ashamed of myself.
I’m disappointed in myself and I promise to be better.
I will be better thank you
There are 2 different approaches for
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
2.
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
A plane crashes
The only survivor is a flight atendant.
She finds herself on a deserted island and after a while gets really hot so she takes her shirt off exposing her cleavege. She sees smoke nearby and arives to see a man cooking some meat.
-Where are you from ?- She asks him
-Great Britian.- He replies.
-How long have you been here ?-
-Fifteen years.-
-Well could you give me some of that meat ? Im mighty hungry.-
-Oh yeah and what will you give me in return ?-
-Something you havent seen in fifteen years.-
She takes off her b*a and the two start kissing as one thing leads to another.
After they finish they lay on the cool evening sand covered only by a thin cloth blanket, the man sits up looks at the beautiful women laying next to him he asks her:
-Now where is the tea that you promised ?-
A ventriloquist was performing at a club
Two Hillbillies sitting in a Diner
3.
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’
Little Larry says: ‘I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.’
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ‘And how about you, Sarah?’
‘I wanna be Larry’s whore.’
A police officer in a small town stopped
A woman went to doctor office
4.
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences.
All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material.
After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys.
First toy has holes in the ears.
Second toy has holes in ear and mouth.
Third toy has only one hole in one ear.
Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy.
The needle comes out from the other ear.
In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth.
And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out.
First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you.
But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone.
So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who does not care for you.
Second toy represents those people who listen to you, all your things and give an impression that they care for you.
But as in the toy, the needle comes out from mouth.
These people will use your things and the words you tell them against you by telling it to others and bringing out the confidential issues for their own purpose.
Third toy, the needle does not come out from it.
These kinds of people will keep the trust you have in them they are the ones who you can count on.
Always stay in a company of people who are loyal and trustworthy.
People, who listen to what you tell them, are not always the ones you can count on when you need them the most.
The Lion & Mouse
A man walks in to a bar with a box
5.
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled.
He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane.
The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence.
Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he’d give her $50.00.
The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.
The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?”
Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”
Well, the lawyer looked puzzled.
He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer.
Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00
The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.
A wife arriving home to find her husband in bed
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day
6.
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions after all, the client is always right an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′ The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president.
‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’
Done, the elderly woman answered.
But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.
During camouflage training
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.
She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions after all, the client is always right an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000′ The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye.
She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president.
‘I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.’
Done, the elderly woman answered.
But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.
During camouflage training
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight
7.
A blonde and brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes the blonde looks up from the book she reading and asks, who needs a OK in beautiful?
The brunette looks up, puzzled, at the blonde and responds, other is no OK in beautiful?
After a few minutes of thinking the blonde looks back up at the brunette and asks, why is there no in beautiful?
Exasperated the brunette responds, WHO NEEDS A IN BEAUTIFUL?!
Hey wait a second, protested the blonde.
LET’S GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!
Isn’t that the question I started off with?! who needs a in beautiful?
Two guys were playing golf
A man died and went up to heaven
A blonde and brunette are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a few minutes the blonde looks up from the book she reading and asks, who needs a OK in beautiful?
The brunette looks up, puzzled, at the blonde and responds, other is no OK in beautiful?
After a few minutes of thinking the blonde looks back up at the brunette and asks, why is there no in beautiful?
Exasperated the brunette responds, WHO NEEDS A IN BEAUTIFUL?!
Hey wait a second, protested the blonde.
LET’S GIVE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE!
Isn’t that the question I started off with?! who needs a in beautiful?
Two guys were playing golf
A man died and went up to heaven
8.
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Two men were walking home
She walks straight to the manager and asks
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
“You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”
“Why?”
“Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”
Two men were walking home
She walks straight to the manager and asks
9.
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”
A car driven by an Englishman
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
Three doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer.
Doctor Watson says, ”I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.”
Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ”I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.”
Doctor Ahn says, ”I prefer lawyers. They’re gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear-ends are interchangeable.”
A car driven by an Englishman
A doctor and a lawyer are talking
10.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
11.
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing
“I’m blessing it,” the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue.
He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut two inches off the tailpipe.
The rule of a king
Two Arkansans Meet On A Dusty, Country Road
12.
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
13.
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.
They happen to walk by the rubber pack display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”
The man matter-of-factually replies, “Those are called protection, son. Men use them to have safe lovemaking.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively.
“Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy.
He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”
“Wow!” exclaimed the boy.
“Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March.”
There is a very special mirror
Two dwarfs go into a bar
14.
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.
Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master.
The boy was doing well, so he couldn’t understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
“Sensei,” the boy finally said, “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”
“This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know,” the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.
Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches.
The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.
Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced for a while, the boy appeared to be over matched.
Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out.
He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
“No,” the sensei insisted, “Let him continue.”
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him.
The boy had won the match and the tournament he was the champion.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match.
Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
“Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?”
“You won for two reasons,” the sensei answered.
“First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo and second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”
The boy’s biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.
One young academically excellent person
Whispering firmly to the dying man
Sometimes your biggest weakness can become your biggest strength.
Take, for example, the story of one 10-year-old boy who decided to study judo despite the fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating car accident.
The boy began lessons with an old Japanese judo master.
The boy was doing well, so he couldn’t understand why, after three months of training the master had taught him only one move.
“Sensei,” the boy finally said, “Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?”
“This is the only move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever need to know,” the sensei replied.
Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy kept training.
Several months later, the sensei took the boy to his first tournament surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two matches.
The third match proved to be more difficult, but after some time, his opponent became impatient and charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the match.
Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in the finals.
This time, his opponent was bigger, stronger, and more experienced for a while, the boy appeared to be over matched.
Concerned that the boy might get hurt, the referee called a time-out.
He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.
“No,” the sensei insisted, “Let him continue.”
Soon after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical mistake: he dropped his guard Instantly, the boy used his move to pin him.
The boy had won the match and the tournament he was the champion.
On the way home, the boy and sensei reviewed every move in each and every match.
Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what was really on his mind.
“Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one move?”
“You won for two reasons,” the sensei answered.
“First, you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult throws in all of judo and second, the only known defense for that move is for your opponent to grab your left arm.”
The boy’s biggest weakness had become his biggest strength.
One young academically excellent person
Whispering firmly to the dying man
15.
A American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a Golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same.
‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had.
The same phone he arrived at Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many Churches.
I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, You’re in New Zealand now, son.
“This is Heaven, so it’s a local call.”
The office manager called a local repair shop
The Surgeon Explains
A American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.
So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando , thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.
On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a Golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read ‘$10,000 per call.
The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.
The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.
The American thanked the priest and went along his way.
Next stop was in Atlanta.
There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it.
He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.
She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.
‘O.K., thank you,’ said the American.
He then traveled all across America , Europe, England , Japan , Australia.
In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same.
‘$US10,000 per call’ sign under it.
The American decided to travel to New Zealand to see if New Zealanders had.
The same phone he arrived at Auckland, in New Zealand and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read ’40 cents per call.’
The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
‘Father, I’ve traveled all over the world and I’ve seen this same golden telephone in many Churches.
I’m told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call.
Why is it so cheap here?’
The priest smiled and answered, You’re in New Zealand now, son.
“This is Heaven, so it’s a local call.”
The office manager called a local repair shop
The Surgeon Explains
16.
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
17.
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
Brian was pulled over for speeding, and as the cop approached his car, he noticed lighter fluid, matches, and torches, all in the passenger seat right next to him.
“Sir,” said the cop, motioning to the paraphernalia.
“Can I ask why you have that stuff in the car?”
“Well officer,” said Brian, “it’s quite simple, I’m a juggler in a circus and this is my equipment!”
The cop, clearly not believing him, insisted that he come over to the side of the road and juggle the torches so he can see if his story was indeed true.
Just then an elderly couple cruised by and the old man turned to his wife, “Susie, am I glad I finally gave up drinking! Can you believe the drinking test they are giving now?!”
John Sam and Abe three retired friends
Harry was working at a construction site
18.
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says, “whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me.”
The bartender replies “I don’t think you want to do that.”
“What do you mean?” yells the polish guy, “Send her the drink!”
“OK.” the bartender replies, “but I don’t think it is a good idea.”
“And why not?” asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says “because she’s a queer.”
“I don’t care, send her the drink.” says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, “so what part of queer are you from?”
Joey was asked by his mother
Mommy has told her little girl
19.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
20.
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims.
“He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
He breaks into a house to look for money
An 80-year-old man goes for a physical.
All of his tests come back with normal results.
The doctor says, “George, everything looks great.
How are you doing mentally and emotionally?
Are you at peace with God?”
George replies, “God and I are tight.
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!
The light goes on.
When I’m done, poof! the light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls George’s wife.
“Ethel,” he says, “George is doing fine!
But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof! the light goes off?”
Oh my God!” Ethel exclaims.
“He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
Juan comes up to the border on his bicycle
He breaks into a house to look for money
21.
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any undergarment.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some undergarment as it is not good to walk around without any undergarment on.”
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy undergarment for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her undergarment,
and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church
. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady $1 and says
“Take this money and for God’s Sake, buy yourself a razor!”
In a small town in the old country
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
There is a girl walking up the stairs in a church one day.
As the priest is walking by, he looks up and notices that this girl is not wearing any undergarment.
He then calls the girl and gives her $50 and says “Little girl, take this money and buy yourself some undergarment as it is not good to walk around without any undergarment on.”
The girl then goes home and gives the money to her mother and asks her mother to buy undergarment for her.
When the mother asks where the girl got the money from, the girl explained what happened.
Upon hearing how the girl got the money, the mother rushes to her room, whips off her undergarment,
and puts on one of her shortest dresses and runs out to the church
. As soon as the mother sees the priest coming, she begins to walk up the stairs.
The priest then notices the lady and calls her down.
The woman not wanting to show that she is expecting anything walks back to the priest very calmly.
The priest then gives the lady $1 and says
“Take this money and for God’s Sake, buy yourself a razor!”
In a small town in the old country
Two brothers enlisting in the Army
22.
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space.
Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”
Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.
The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”
A woman phoned her dentist
A husband comes home to find his wife
23.
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves peak?”
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”
He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
This married couple was sitting
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.
He looks up from the page and says to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves peak?”
She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you prove it.”
He frowns for a moment, then says, “Okay.”
He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.
About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, “Well I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t, but the way that pig’s always squealing, how can you tell?”
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
This married couple was sitting
24.
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
A young Mouse in search of adventure was running along the bank of a pond where lived a Frog.
When the Frog saw the Mouse, he swam to the bank and croaked.
“Won’t you pay me a visit? I can promise you a good time if you do.”
The Mouse did not need much coaxing, for he was very anxious to see the world and everything in it.
But though he could swim a little, he did not dare risk going into the pond without some help.
The Frog had a plan he tied the Mouse’s leg to his own with a tough reed.
Then into the pond he jumped, dragging his foolish companion with him.
The Mouse soon had enough of it and wanted to return to shore; but the treacherous Frog had other plans.
He pulled the Mouse down under the water and drowned him.
But before he could untie the reed that bound him to the dead Mouse, a Hawk came sailing over the pond.
Seeing the body of the Mouse floating on the water, the Hawk swooped down, seized the Mouse and carried it off, with the Frog dangling from its leg.
Thus at one swoop he had caught both meat and fish for his dinner.
She walked to the station to borrow
The Lamaze class was in full swing
25.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
“I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Mrs Santa was in bed
A young man came from the parking
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, “If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.”
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!”
The woman said, “That’s okay.”
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to”.
The woman replied, “That’s okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That’s okay, because what’s mine is his and what’s his is mine.”
So, KAZAM – she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
“I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Mrs Santa was in bed
A young man came from the parking
26.
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle
The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one.
But if he wants to, he can take the cat which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.
The next day the man goes back to store with scratches all over his body.
The clerk, shocked, asks the man what had happened with the cat.
The man replies: “Well, it was fine at first, he even managed to endure the funnel up his a*s… But when it came to the hot water…”
When I was married 25 years
After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince
27.
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had lovemaking for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s make love drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him tablet?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the tablet into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best lovemaking that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man comes to his doctor and tells
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup.
Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, “Doctor, I haven’t had lovemaking for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s make love drive.”
The doctor smiled and said, “Have you tried to give him tablet?”
The lady frowned. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
“Well,” the doctor continued, “let me suggest something. Crush the tablet into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”
The old lady was delighted.
She left the doctor’s office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned.
She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong.
She shook her head.
“How did it go?” the doctor asked.
“Terribly, doctor, terribly.”
“Did it not work?”
“Yes,” the old lady said, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best lovemaking that I’d had in 25 years.”
“Then what is the problem, ma’am?”
“Well,” she said. “I can’t ever show my face in McDonald’s again.”
Jane met Tarzan in the jungle
A man comes to his doctor and tells
28.
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
A blonde was rollerblading with her headphones on.
She stopped at a hair salon and asked for a haircut.
She instructed that the hair stylist could not take off her headphones.
The stylist replied refusing to cut her hair, so she left.
She went to a different hair salon and said the same thing.
This time, the stylist agreed to cut her hair.
After a while, the blonde fell asleep in the chair.
The stylist took off the headphones and the blonde died on the spot.
Confused at what happened, the stylist put on the headphones.
They were saying: “breath in, breath out.”
A beautiful young model boarded a plane
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation
29.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom.
Mother is on top of father.
Suddenly the son enters the bedroom.
Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says,
“I’ll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that’s why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat.” .
Says that little boy: “But mama, that does not make any difference.”
“Oh no?” the mom asks. “
No,” says the little boy,
“When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and she blows his belly up again!”
Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents
2 couples were playing a round of poker
30.
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
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eng jokes