1.
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.
“I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A customer in a restaurant
Little Pianist
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost.
But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him.
“I’ll take it.” The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager. “Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,” said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager. “He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine explained.
“I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight, beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
A customer in a restaurant
Little Pianist
2.
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
A policeman goes home after a long and exhausting day at work.
He enters the dark bedroom and strips off his uniform, leaving it on the floor.
Being so tired he did not bother to turn on the light, plus he didn’t want to disturb his wife who was in bed.
Just before he got into bed his wife said,
“Honey we are out of bread, please buy one at the corner shop, as I needed it to make breakfast for the kids.”
“Fine,” said the husband,
“but you should have mentioned it before I took off my uniform.”
He then put on his uniform and went to the corner shop.
He took up the loaf of bread and while paying for it, the cashier says to him.
“New job?”
“Nah” replied the policeman.
“Really?” said the cashier, “so how come you have on fireman uniform?”
A husband went to the police station
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
3.
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down.
She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.
When the farmer answers, she says to him, “My car broke down!
I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?”
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messing with my sons Jed and Luke.”
The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer.
“Okay,” she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?” She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.”
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later the old Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
The old Jed says, “Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says the old Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not.”
“Me neither,” says Jed.
“Let’s take these things off.”
Dr. Darns said George
Mrs Jones told her pastor
4.
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
Mr. Evans discovered that her daughter found a boyfriend.
Being a protective father that he is, he starts interrogating her about the mystery guy.
“Did he finish college?” he asked.
“Yes, Dad. In fact, he was always top of his class,” replied the proud girl.
“Well, does he have a decent job?” he asked further.
“But of course!” she said.
“Given his good fortune, does he give to charity?” asked the curious dad.
To which the daughter replied, “He is the most generous person I’ve ever known. In fact, many people think the same.”
“That’s great, Emily! I can’t wait to meet this guy,” he said finally.
Emily smiled at him and said, “Oh you know him, Dad. He’s the priest at our Church!”
A ship captain was alerted
A man goes to a female dentist
5.
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
Little Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad:
“Son, this is your weekend, have anything you want. Ask and ye shall receive.”
After a little thought, Johnny says.
“Dad, dad, dad, I want a donkey.”
The father wasn’t expecting this strange request, but he was a man of his word.
“Okay son, Ask and ye shall receive.”
The next day, they go to the local pets at home and buy a donkey.
When they get it home the Little Johnny chirps.
“Dad, can I call the donkey Wanker?”
“Don’t be so….” And then dad remembers the promise.
“Of course son. Wanker it is.”
Johnny then spends a fantastic day getting to know his new pet.
That evening, they tie the donkey up in the garden.
The next morning, Little Johnny wakes up early and looks out of the window, to his horror the donkey has broken free, jumped the fence and is nonchalantly munching grass half a mile away.
Johnny panics and runs into his dad’s bedroom.
“Dad, dad, dad. Wanker’s off over the field.”
“Look Johnny, I know I made a promise, but there are limits!”
A lady went into the pharmacy
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool
6.
Ever since he was young, the painter Henri Matisse used to visit the great Renoir at his atelier every week.
When Renoir was crippled with arthritis, Matisse began to visit him daily, taking food,
paintbrushes and paint, always trying to convince the master that he worked to hard.
He needed to rest a little.
One day, noting that each brush stroke made Renoir groan of pain, Matisse couldn’t stay silent:
“Great master, your work is already vast and important why continue to torture yourself that way?”
“Very simple,” Renoir answered.
“Beauty remains; pain ends up passing.”
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A guy stood over his tee shot
Ever since he was young, the painter Henri Matisse used to visit the great Renoir at his atelier every week.
When Renoir was crippled with arthritis, Matisse began to visit him daily, taking food,
paintbrushes and paint, always trying to convince the master that he worked to hard.
He needed to rest a little.
One day, noting that each brush stroke made Renoir groan of pain, Matisse couldn’t stay silent:
“Great master, your work is already vast and important why continue to torture yourself that way?”
“Very simple,” Renoir answered.
“Beauty remains; pain ends up passing.”
A shepherd discovered a fat Pig
A guy stood over his tee shot
7.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
The disciple asked the master
A hungry Wolf
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
The disciple asked the master
A hungry Wolf
8.
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
Ana sets up her friend Jenny for a blind date.
Before she goes out of her house, Jenny calls Ana, “Listen girl, my date’s here so I only have a minute. Call me after thirty minutes so I have an alibi in case it’s going bad and I have to bail. Okay? Thanks!”
After thirty minutes, Jenny was anxious to get that call from Ana.
As if on cue, the phone rings. After a quick and mum conversation, she puts the phone down and sighs, “I’m so sorry, but there’s been an emergency.
My sister is sick and I need to bring her to the hospital right now.
I have to go.”
With a big smile on his face, the date exclaimed, “No worries! In a few more minutes my dog was going to get run over by a bus.”
The English teacher called Peter
The teacher asked the students
9.
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
One day, Marie sent her little boy Johnny down to the pond to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in the water, he saw two big eyes looking back at him from the water.
He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to the kitchen.
“Now, where’s my bucket and my water?” Marie asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that pond, Momma” cried Johnny.
“There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down dere!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he ain’t never hurt nobody. Cher, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, Momma,” replied Johnny,
” if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then dat water ain’t fit to drink!”
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
Johnny his brother Jimmy sat down to eat
10.
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath. “You scared us half to death we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!”
A man went to the doctor complaining
The man approached the very beautiful woman
11.
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
Two hunters are in the woods in deer season.
The morning hunt over, they head back to camp together.
As they make their way along the path, they hear a loud crashing noise and look up to see a very large bear charging down a hillside.
Realizing simultaneously, that they are the bear’s intended targets, not to mention lunch, one of the hunters immediately takes off his back pack, drops to the ground and begins to change from his hunting boots to tennis shoes.
The other hunter bewildered asks “You don’t really think you can out run that bear do you?”
The first hunter replies, “No, but I can outrun you.”
Sarah parents are excited to meet her new boyfriend
A businessman is driving down
12.
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
13.
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A man & son going with their donkey to market
I was barely sitting down
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A man & son going with their donkey to market
I was barely sitting down
14.
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
3 thieves rob a bank
They run and try to hide in a farm
The cops follow them into the farm so they hide inside boxes
One cop comes and while searching sees these boxes so he kicks the first one “Baack buck b-buck” “chickens” he says
He kicks the second one “glogloglo “
“Hmm ,a turkey” Kicks the third one , no sound So he kicked harder ,no sound still He kicks as hard as he can and the thieve comes out yelling “a box of tomatoes mother fool ,tomatoes.”
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor
A man get a call girl
15.
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior.
Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu!”
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?”
“Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
“He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital
A doctor and engineer were in love with same woman
16.
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.
Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.
One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them.
So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival.
He was the head of household and the sole bread winner.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute.
One person was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 65-year-old man.
The old man said, “Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you.
So, you take the last parachute.”
The boy asked, “Why, Sir?”
The old man said, “Well, there is only one parachute left.”
The little lad said, “Sir there are really two parachutes left.”
The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, “Yeah? How?”
“Well,” replied the boy, “you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth?
He grabbed my backpack.”
A lady came to the hospital
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes.
Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.
One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them.
So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival.
He was the head of household and the sole bread winner.
So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.
Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute.
One person was a 12-year-old boy, and the other was a 65-year-old man.
The old man said, “Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you.
So, you take the last parachute.”
The boy asked, “Why, Sir?”
The old man said, “Well, there is only one parachute left.”
The little lad said, “Sir there are really two parachutes left.”
The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, “Yeah? How?”
“Well,” replied the boy, “you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth?
He grabbed my backpack.”
A lady came to the hospital
A lady goes to the doctor and complains
17.
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
18.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
19.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
20.
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
A man went to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he doesn’t want to pay up. What should I do?”
“Do you have any proof?” asked the lawyer.
“Nope,” replied the man.
“Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you,” said the lawyer.
“But it’s only $500,” replied the man.
“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him.”
Two men waiting at the pearly gates
This guy says to his buddy
21.
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
Few years have passed and Sally and Meg finally meet after a long time not seeing each other.
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks.
“If there is a memento of some sort inside.”
“Yes,” says Sally, “a look of my husband’s hair.”
“But Larry’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
The visiting church school supervisor asks
A blonde was suffering
22.
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver.
He starts saying things like: If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on, if my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant.
The bus driver said shut up!
Still the boy went on if my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog.
The bus driver got so mad, and asked “If your mom was a call girl, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?
The boy answered: “A bus driver.”
There was an old lady who was very small
When Jane initially met Tarzan of the jungle
23.
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
24.
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
25.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”
The policeman says, “Well… uh… that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second guy smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”
The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks,
“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”
The guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
“Well, that’s an interesting answer wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”
A motorcycle police officer
A man had a parrot of which
26.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.
He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
A old man his annual checkup
This guy goes into a doctor
27.
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A teacher asks her class
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, doctor,” said the curvy girl.
“I feel tired, dragged out. Pooped. No pep. No get up and go. Is it vitamin deficiency, low blood count, or what?”
The physician gave her a top-to-toe examination and then his verdict.
“Young lady, there’s really nothing wrong with you. You’re run-down that’s all. You’ve been working too hard.”
“I suggest you try staying out of bed for a few days.”
A blonde decides to make an experiment
A teacher asks her class
28.
A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget.
“Wow,” comments the midget.
“Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.
Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, “Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they’re so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look.”
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says,
“OK, hand me your wallet, I’ll jump off the ladder.
3 men are sitting on a park bench
Rubbing a toilet paper
A man standing at a urinal notices that he’s being watched by a midget.
“Wow,” comments the midget.
“Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!”
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.
Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, “Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they’re so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look.”
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says,
“OK, hand me your wallet, I’ll jump off the ladder.
3 men are sitting on a park bench
Rubbing a toilet paper
29.
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
30.
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
A man walks out onto a busy New York City street and happens to catch a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, “Wow, perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”
The passenger looks confused, and asks, “Who..??”
The cabby says, “Frank Feldman..!!”
He explains, “He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like when I came along just when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
The passenger remarked, “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
“Not Frank Feldman.” The cabby said with gusto.
He clarified, “Frank Feldmans was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
The passenger said, “Sounds like he was really something special.”
The cabby replied, “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.”
The cabby kept going, “He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman – he could do everything right.”
The passenger was amazed, “Wow, what a guy!”
The cabby continued, “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.”
The cabby concluded: “He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabby: “I never actually met frank. He died and I married his wife.”
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
A burglar is stalking stealthily around
Post a Comment