1.
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check.
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
First check up with his new Doctor
Jim grabbed his suitcase
An employee approached his boss regarding a dispute on his pay-check.
Employee – Sir, this is $100 less than my salary.
Boss – I know. But last month, when you were overpaid $100, by mistake, you didn’t complain!
Employee – Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake, sir, but it seems to be becoming a habit, now!
First check up with his new Doctor
Jim grabbed his suitcase
2.
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook.”
A husband and wife were debating
A man visited the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea.
The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, “So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?”
The pirate replies, “We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” said the seaman. “What about your hook”? “Well”, replied the pirate, “We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.”
“Incredible!” remarked the seaman.
“How did you get the eye patch”? “A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replied the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?,” the sailor asked incredulously.
“Well,” said the pirate, “it was my first day with my hook.”
A husband and wife were debating
A man visited the doctor
3.
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
One evening, Little Johnny, his brother Little Jimmy, and their dad, sat down to eat supper.
The dad turned to Little Jimmy and asked,
“Little Jimmy, what would you like to eat first?”
To this Little Jimmy replied,
“I want some of them bang’ peas.”
In a flash, dad slapped the sh!t out of Little Jimmy.
“Now what did you want to eat first Jimmy?” asked the dad.
“I want some of them bang’ peas,” said Jimmy.
Dad then backhanded Little Jimmy clean out of his chair and halfway across the room.
Little Jimmy shook it off and promptly returned to the table.
Returning to the table, short of breath, and trying to regain his composure, the dad turned to his other son Little Johnny and calmly asked,
“Well Little Johnny, just what would you like to eat first?”
Little Johnny, glancing at his brother on the floor, turned back to his dad and quickly exclaimed,
“Well you can bet your sweet bum, it ain’t none of them bang’ Peas!”
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
The teacher asked Little Johnny
4.
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.
He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”
In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”
Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.
And both together smiled and said, “That’s multiplication.”
Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.
He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”
This fisherman goes to the river
Two hunters went moose hunting
5.
A man died and went to straight down to hell.
The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place.
He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man could”t even breathe.
He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured.
It looked so painful the man could not watch.
He told the devil he definitely did”t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing.
The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat.
He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice.
After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
Three men are playing golf
A man died and went to straight down to hell.
The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place.
He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man could”t even breathe.
He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured.
It looked so painful the man could not watch.
He told the devil he definitely did”t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing.
The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat.
He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice.
After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!”
He starts dialing numbers on his hand
Three men are playing golf
6.
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.
She jumped up and slapped him silly.
He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”
“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.
“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
A elderly couple named Bill and Helen
A man was going up to bed
7.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
8.
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn’t worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him.
They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly.
Then, to everyone’s amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well.
He was astonished at what he saw.
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer’s neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up.
Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt.
The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up.
Each of our troubles is a steppingstone.
We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.
NOW, Enough of that crap.
The donkey later came back and bit out of the farmer who had tried to bury him.
The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY’S LESSON: When you do something wrong and try to cover your bum, it always comes back to bite you.
Getting late for a meeting
A man’s favorite donkey
9.
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
A 5-years-old was visiting his grandmother.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while Grandma was dusting.
He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me fell good and the comedies make me laugh. I’m happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”
When grandma turned on the TV, the reception was terrible.
She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandmas’ Minister.
The Minister said “hello son is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied, “Yeah she’s in the bedroom banging her boyfriend”
The Minister fainted.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner
A gentleman wife is planning on dinner party
10.
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr.Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious.
Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy “Oh my Lord,” says Farther Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up.
It’s a mir….Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle.
I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it.
He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos and a statement etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome Italy.
No expense is spared.
There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, (quite outside the natural laws of the universe).
Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling it a miracle.
All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
A very large gorilla
Two men were marooned on an Island
11.
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery,
and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”
A very wealthy lawyer
A man went to his lawyer
12.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
13.
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it’s sitting in the seat next to him.
He thinks it’s unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it’s not a distraction he won’t mention it.
The movie starts and pretty soon there’s a funny part.
The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter.
In a little while there’s a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping.
This continues throughout the film and the man sitting behind the dog is astounded.
When the lights come up he taps the dog’s owner on the shoulder and tells him,
“I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie.”
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods.
“I know, it really is weird,” he says,
“because he absolutely hated the book.”
A pig walks into a bar and orders
A guys walking down the street
14.
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
At a wedding ceremony the priest asked if there was anyone who had any reason why the marriage shouldn’t go on, it was time to stand up and speak, or forever hold his or her peace.
The moment of utter silence was interrupted by a young beautiful woman carrying a baby.
She started slowly walking toward the pastor.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom and stormed out of the church.
The groom’s mother fainted.
The groomsmen and brides maids ran away in all directions.
The priest asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”
The woman replied, “I can’t hear anything from the back….so am moving to the front seats.”
The nights are already cold so sharing the tent
A little boy said to a little girl
15.
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
Two hot young ladies are talking one afternoon about the weekend just past.
The first named Faba, and the second, Mujo, discussed Faba’s last date.
“You know what Mujo, I was out last night with an intellectual type” Faba declared.
“What’s that? What’s do you mean intellectual type?” Mujo asked with curiosity.
“Well, I mean I was dating a man who is very intellectual and intelligent,” explained Faba to her friend.
Mujo giggles, and asked, “So, how was it?”
“First, he took me to dinner. Then he took me to a cinema movie. And then he took me out for a drive.
After all that, he took me to his house. He began an intellectual conversation.
And finally, he took out his manhood.”
“What is this word, ‘manhood’,” Mujo asked, unfamiliar with the clinical terminology.
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator
One knight told his best friend
16.
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
that turns the waters into any substance of your choice
if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.
The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting “Sakeeee!!”
He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine.
The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming “Vodkaaaa!” as he lept in the air.
He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after.
The Filipino threw aside the banana he was eating and shouted “Lambanoggg!” as he somersaulted into the pool, landing in 5 feet of the best coconut wine.
The American threw his iphone aside and ran towards the pool but slipped on the banana peel before flailing into the pool screaming “Shittttt!”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool
that turns the waters into any substance of your choice
if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.
The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting “Sakeeee!!”
He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine.
The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming “Vodkaaaa!” as he lept in the air.
He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after.
The Filipino threw aside the banana he was eating and shouted “Lambanoggg!” as he somersaulted into the pool, landing in 5 feet of the best coconut wine.
The American threw his iphone aside and ran towards the pool but slipped on the banana peel before flailing into the pool screaming “Shittttt!”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
A man is lying on the beach and reply to hot girl
17.
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
An old biker walks into the front door of a bar.
He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him?
The biker is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door.
A few minutes later, the same biker stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar.
He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink.
The bartender comes over and, still politely but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab.
The biker looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.
A few minutes later, he bursts in through the BACK door of the bar.
He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink.
The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.
The surprised biker looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries “MAAAN! How many bars do you work at?!!?
A man and his dog walk into a pub
The old man placed an order
18.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks
He looked around frantically.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
“What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.
“What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A anthropologist studying
A little bird was flying
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly froze in his tracks when a loud cried out:
“Jesus is watching you.”
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks
He looked around frantically.
In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
“Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?” he asked.
“Yes”, said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot:
“What’s your name?”
“Clarence,” said the bird.
“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar.
“What idiot named you Clarence?”
“The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus,” the parrot replied.
A anthropologist studying
A little bird was flying
19.
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
An old french man moves to America and begins looking for a job.
He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner.
The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.
“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”
And the old man says, in his thick accent,
“In France, we have a lot of trees. So tree plus tree plus tree equals nine.”
The owner, surprised, nonchalantly says
“Well, that was an easy one. Now I need you to express the number 99 with the same rules.”
The old man responds, “In France, we have a lot of trees and sometimes you see a lot of mud on the trees. So dirty tree, plus dirty tree, plus dirty tree, equals ninety-nine.”
The owner is impressed but worries that he’s actually going to have to hire the man.
“Okay, if you can answer this last question, you’re hired. Express the number 100 using the same rules.”
The old man replies “Well I have a doggy, and he no like dirty trees, so I take him for a walk and he goes to each of the trees and takes a tiny little sh!t right next to each one. Dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, plus dirty tree and one turd, equals a hundred. So when do I start?”
A man was riding on a full bus
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
20.
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
“Bob, I’m sorry I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess,
I have been helping myself to your wife when you’re not around, probably more than you It’s been so incredible and fun, I’ve not been able to stop myself sometimes it goes on for hours and hours.
I know it’s no excuse but I don’t get it at home, I can’t live with the guilt any longer, I hope you’ll accept my sincerest apology it won’t happen again.”
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text,
“Bloom-in’ auto-correct, it’ll be the death of me! I meant to say ‘wife’”
A blonde and a lawyer
She opened the door to see a well
21.
Harry and his buddy Sam were going for a stroll.
“Sam” said Harry “You know my wife?”
“Sure do” said Sam.
“Well she ain’t gonna be my wife anymore! Right after the weekend it’s gonna be over! I’m divorcing her!”
Sam was aghast, “Harry, I can’t believe it! You seemed to get along so well together! And she seemed like such a nice wife too!”
Harry stopped walking and and turned to Sam.
“Sam, take a look at the loafers I’m wearing. Don’t they look comfy? They have a nice stylish shape, and they look mighty comfortable. Don’t they Sam?”
“They do Harry” said Sam, “but I’m not quite sure what you are getting at.”
“Well guess what Sam?” said Harry raising his voice, “I’m the only one who knows that they are pinching my darn feet!!!”
A man was married to a woman
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
Harry and his buddy Sam were going for a stroll.
“Sam” said Harry “You know my wife?”
“Sure do” said Sam.
“Well she ain’t gonna be my wife anymore! Right after the weekend it’s gonna be over! I’m divorcing her!”
Sam was aghast, “Harry, I can’t believe it! You seemed to get along so well together! And she seemed like such a nice wife too!”
Harry stopped walking and and turned to Sam.
“Sam, take a look at the loafers I’m wearing. Don’t they look comfy? They have a nice stylish shape, and they look mighty comfortable. Don’t they Sam?”
“They do Harry” said Sam, “but I’m not quite sure what you are getting at.”
“Well guess what Sam?” said Harry raising his voice, “I’m the only one who knows that they are pinching my darn feet!!!”
A man was married to a woman
Bill’s second Anniversary was coming
22.
A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus.
She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again.
Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck.
She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast.
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
Paddy and Murphy are working
A woman wearing a real tight dress, and carrying a bunch of packages tries to get on a bus.
She can’t get up the step so she reaches behind and drops the zipper on her skirt a little, tries again.
Still can’t make it, so she drops her skirt zipper a bit more, still no luck.
She reaches back drops her skirt zipper a bunch and the guy behind her grabs her, picks her up, carries her on the bus, pays both fares, sets her down and kisses her left breast.
The woman slaps him, and the guy says, “Honey after you pulled my zipper down the third time, I figured we were friends.”
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop
Paddy and Murphy are working
23.
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
A man hires a blonde to paint stripes down a road, but she has to keep the contract and do at least four miles each day.
The first day, the blonde does 8 miles.
The boss is extremely impressed.
The second day the blonde does 4 miles.
The boss is somewhat impressed, but not as much as before.
The third day, the blonde does two miles.
The boss thinks she is just having a bad day,
so he still lets her keep the job.
The fourth day, the blonde only does 1 mile.
The boss asks, “You were doing so well before.
Why aren’t you doing well now?!”
The blonde replies, “I can’t get far because each day I’m getting further and further away from the bucket.”
He decided to go see the doctor
Sally a blonde was seen going
24.
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.
“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A tornado hit a farmhouse
Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said.
“I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”
A guy walks into a bar and orders
A tornado hit a farmhouse
25.
An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady.
“So tell me why did you steal the peaches?” to which the old lady replied,
“Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat”.
The judge then asked the old lady “How many peaches were in the tin?”
“Six” she replied.
“OK i’m going to give you one day in prison for each peach.”
All of a sudden, the wife’s husband stood up and objected the judge’s ruling.
“Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas”.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
Two men were having a of golf
An 80 year old women was caught shoplifting a can of peaches.
During her court appearance the judge asked the lady.
“So tell me why did you steal the peaches?” to which the old lady replied,
“Your honor I was very hungry because my husband and I have no money to eat”.
The judge then asked the old lady “How many peaches were in the tin?”
“Six” she replied.
“OK i’m going to give you one day in prison for each peach.”
All of a sudden, the wife’s husband stood up and objected the judge’s ruling.
“Your honor I have to admit, last week she stole a can of peas”.
Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby
Two men were having a of golf
26.
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at his clock it’s 3:30 a.m.
He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there.
“Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband
Husband and wife talking in bed
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at his clock it’s 3:30 a.m.
He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there.
“Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband
Husband and wife talking in bed
27.
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center
28.
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road.
He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.
The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over.
She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
“I feel terrible,” he explained.
“I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it.”
The woman told the man not to worry.
She knew what to do.
She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can.
She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.
Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it’s paw at the two humans and hopped down the road.
50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.
The man was astonished.
He couldn’t figure out what substance could be in the woman’s spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded,
“What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
A accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer
A guy goes to the supermarket
29.
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder.
She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, “Stop! Acts 2:38 meaning, repent and be baptized…!”
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”
“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “I thought she said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Three older ladies were discussing
30.
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies, “Ear sticky.”
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
A old lady headed to church late
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies, “Ear sticky.”
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
A old lady headed to church late
Tags:
eng jokes