1.
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
Three guys were walking through the desert.
All of them were thirsty, tired, and hot.
All of the sudden, one shouts that he sees a broken down car not too far ahead of them.
All three men race to the car and the first guy pops the hood and grabs the radiator.
“Whenever I get thirsty,” he tells the other two, “I’ll just take a sip from this.”
The second man runs and pulls a seat from the front and proudly declares, “whenever I get too tired, I’ll just throw this on the ground and sit on it.”
With some effort, the third guy pulls the car’s door right off and begins to carry it with him.
The other two guys, confused, asked him, “What are you going to do with that?”
The third guy replied: “If I get too hot, I’ll just roll down the window.”
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary
A man was driving down highway
2.
A man stops by his doctor’s office.
He tells his doctor of his concern for his wife’s hearing.
“She doesn’t answer me when I ask her questions.” He told his doctor.
After a lengthy conversation, the doctor thinks of a simple test the man can do:
“Stand about twenty feet behind your wife and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move five feet closer and ask again. Do this until she answers you and you’ll know how bad her hearing loss is.”
The man, ecstatic at the idea of having of analyzing his wife’s hearing problem, runs home.
When he arrives he finds his wife preparing dinner in the kitchen.
Following his doctor’s instructions, the man stood twenty feet behind his wife and asks “What’s for dinner, honey?”
No response from his wife, so the man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer again. The man steps five feet closer putting him about ten feet behind his wife and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer. The man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Jesus!” The man’s wife yells.
“For the fourth time: We’re having meatloaf!”
Two old couples got together
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
A man stops by his doctor’s office.
He tells his doctor of his concern for his wife’s hearing.
“She doesn’t answer me when I ask her questions.” He told his doctor.
After a lengthy conversation, the doctor thinks of a simple test the man can do:
“Stand about twenty feet behind your wife and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move five feet closer and ask again. Do this until she answers you and you’ll know how bad her hearing loss is.”
The man, ecstatic at the idea of having of analyzing his wife’s hearing problem, runs home.
When he arrives he finds his wife preparing dinner in the kitchen.
Following his doctor’s instructions, the man stood twenty feet behind his wife and asks “What’s for dinner, honey?”
No response from his wife, so the man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer again. The man steps five feet closer putting him about ten feet behind his wife and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No answer. The man steps five feet closer and asks again: “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
“Jesus!” The man’s wife yells.
“For the fourth time: We’re having meatloaf!”
Two old couples got together
Mr. Smith is reading his morning paper
3.
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two doctors were in a hospital
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two doctors were in a hospital
4.
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F” letters only.
He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T” letters only.”
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, “T-G-I-F” another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, “S-H-I-T.”
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”
The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A blonde walks into an empty bar
Two old women were talking
5.
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gentleman suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained,
“I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said,
“Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman.
She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did.
“I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” She said.
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her.
“Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said,
“Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope.
When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”
George has an operation on his neck,
John was a salesman’s delight when
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.
The older gentleman suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained,
“I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”
The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit.
Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”
As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there?
When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash.
That was what probably making her sick.”
“Huh,” the younger doctor said,
“Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with an elderly woman.
She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did.
“I’m feeling terribly run down lately.” She said.
“You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her.
“Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”
As they left, the elder doc said,
“Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”
“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope.
When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”
George has an operation on his neck,
John was a salesman’s delight when
6.
A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up.
“Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.
“‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”
A woman told to her husband
A blonde wanting to earn some money
A teacher was asking her class: “What is the difference between ‘unlawful’ and ‘illegal’?”
Only one hand shot up.
“Ok, answer, Joan,” said the teacher.
“‘unlawful’ is when u do something the law doesn’t allow and ‘illegal’ is a sick eagle.”
A woman told to her husband
A blonde wanting to earn some money
7.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, “The parrot on the left costs $500.”
“Why does the parrot cost so much?” asks the customer.
The owner says, “Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research.”
The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.
Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000.
Needless to say, this aroused the question, “What can it do?”
To which the owner replies, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.”
The husband and wife have a quarrel
A man working in an IT company
8.
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.
“Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.
I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?” Kid says, “$101,237.64.”
Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job.
The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas.
“Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow.
I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.”
The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?” Kid says, “$101,237.64.”
Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast,
so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said,
‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”
A Man Who Is Dating Three Women
Bush, Trump, and Hillary are all on a plane
9.
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment.
“How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” she asked.”
“It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.
“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous!
There must be a way for you to go cheaper.
“Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.
“Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”
“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.”
“Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
Sally walked in to the Dentist office to make an appointment.
“How much do you charge to pull out a tooth?” she asked.”
“It’s $130”, was the prompt reply.
“$130!” gasped Sally, that’s ridiculous!
There must be a way for you to go cheaper.
“Well,” said the Dentist thoughtfully, I suppose if we don’t numb it, we could knock off $30.
“Only $30?,” countered Sally, “that’s still $100, you’ve got to make it cheaper.”
“Well,” said the Dentist after a long pause, “I suppose if we take it out with a wrench we could knock it down to $50.”
“Perfect”, said Sally happily. “I would like to make an appointment for next Tuesday, for my husband Jack.”
The hospital staff kept telling Jim
Barry and hannah couch watching TV
10.
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day”, the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
A young man called his mother
A man walked into the office of an psychiatrist
11.
Steve got a job as a lumberjack…
and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. “here you go. now get to it.”
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
“How many did you get?”, he asks.
“One”, Steve answers.
“wait, how is that possible?
I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow.”
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:”how many?”
Steve says:”two”
“Hmm, maybe there’s something wrong with your chainsaw.
let me take a look at it.” he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:”What’s that sound?
The teacher was teaching the kids
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
Steve got a job as a lumberjack…
and on his first day his boss gave him a chainsaw. “here you go. now get to it.”
Steve took the chainsaw, and at the end of the day his boss comes over.
“How many did you get?”, he asks.
“One”, Steve answers.
“wait, how is that possible?
I need you to cut down at least 10 tomorrow.”
And after the second day his boss comes over and asks:”how many?”
Steve says:”two”
“Hmm, maybe there’s something wrong with your chainsaw.
let me take a look at it.” he then proceeds to turn it on.
Steve says:”What’s that sound?
The teacher was teaching the kids
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad
12.
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
Little Tommy was doing very poorly in math
His parents had tried everything: tutors, flash cards, special learning centers in short, everything they could think of.
Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face
He didn’t kiss his mother hello
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.
Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work his mother was amazed.
She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before.
This went on for sometime, day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books with great trepidation, his mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.
She could no longer hold back her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, “Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?”
Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, “No.”
“Well then,” she replied, “was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?”
Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy on the wall bared to the big plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around.”
A good cat
She calmly writes down his order
13.
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’
‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,’ he explains.
‘What’s it telling you now?’
‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any undergarment.’
The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing undergarment!’
The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.’
A man is traveling through the jungle
A man is sitting on a train
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?’
‘No’, he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.’
The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?’
‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,’ he explains.
‘What’s it telling you now?’
‘Well, it says you’re not wearing any undergarment.’
The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing undergarment!’
The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.’
A man is traveling through the jungle
A man is sitting on a train
14.
When the manager of a men’s clothing store returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.
“I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive, pink-and-blue, double-fronts thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
A man was called in for an audit
A Wild Boar & Fox
When the manager of a men’s clothing store returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk’s hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
“Guess what, sir?” the clerk said.
“I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we’ve had for so long!”
“Do you mean that repulsive, pink-and-blue, double-fronts thing?!” the manager asked.
“That’s the one!”
“That’s great!” the manager cried, “I thought we’d never get rid of that monstrosity!
That had to be the ugliest suit we’ve ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?”
“Oh,” the clerk replied, “after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me.”
A man was called in for an audit
A Wild Boar & Fox
15.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
16.
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “Attention all!!” and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says,
“Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”
The drunks replies, “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”
A family is at the dinner table
The nervous young bride became irritated
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “Attention all!!” and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says,
“Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”
The drunks replies, “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”
A family is at the dinner table
The nervous young bride became irritated
17.
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.
The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.
At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly:
“Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”
Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!”
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
Earl and Johnny go out on a hunting trip together.
The nights are already cold so they don’t mind sharing the tent for one.
At around 1 am, Earl wakes up suddenly:
“Johnny, what do you think you’re doing?!”
Johnny: “My hands are cold, I was just warming them between these two pillows.”
Earl: “THOSE AREN’T PILLOWS!”
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
A wedding ceremony the priest asked
18.
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant.
While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon.
So the husband says, “what’s with the spoon?”
The waiter said, “well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil.
So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, “I’ll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else”.
While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, “hey, there’s a string on your pants”.
The waiter tells him, “not all my customers are as observant as you… the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time.”
The husband was impressed, but asked, “it’s a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?”.
The waiter leaned close and whispered, “well I don’t know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon.”
A man and his wife were sitting
A guy and a girl are lying
19.
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
A man goes to confess that he’d stolen someone’s cow.
He was very much wracked with guilt in his confession.
The priest forgave him in God’s name, but added that in a secular sense, he still needs to return the cow.
The thief asks, “Will you take the cow, then, Father?”
The priest says, “No my son, I cannot accept.”
The confessor thief leaves.
Hours later, the priest clocks off and returns home.
Only to realize… his cow was missing.
A elderly man goes into a mental institution
Three babies are in their mother
20.
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.
An Arab approaches the husband, saying, “I’ll give you 100 camels for your woman.”
After a long silence, the husband says, “She’s not for sale.”
The indignant wife says, “What took you so long to answer?”
The husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”
Wife sent a message to her husband
A teacher was helping one of her kids
21.
Girl taunts old man and asks if he ever did anything wild
heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.
She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.
Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes.
Her entire face and body were riddled with pierced jewelry and her earrings were big, bright feathers.
She sat down in the only vacant seat that was directly across from us.
My dad raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl.
Finally, the punk got self-conscious and barked at my dad, “What are you looking at you old geezer didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, my dad replied, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and scr*wed a parrot, I thought maybe you were my daughter.”
Mike had a terrible cold
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
Girl taunts old man and asks if he ever did anything wild
heading downtown to go to the movies, when a young punk got on.
She had spiked, multi-colored hair that was green, purple, and orange.
Her clothes were a tattered mix of leather rags, her legs were bare and she was wearing worn-out shoes.
Her entire face and body were riddled with pierced jewelry and her earrings were big, bright feathers.
She sat down in the only vacant seat that was directly across from us.
My dad raised an eyebrow and stared at the girl.
Finally, the punk got self-conscious and barked at my dad, “What are you looking at you old geezer didn’t you ever do anything wild when you were young?”
Without missing a beat, my dad replied, “Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in Singapore and scr*wed a parrot, I thought maybe you were my daughter.”
Mike had a terrible cold
Near Tokyo lived a great Samurai
22.
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
A polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good.
They got along very well.
One day he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions:
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Man: “Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
Man: “It made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Do either of you have real grudge?”
Man: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean what are you relations like?”
Man: “All my relations still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Man: “We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Man: “No, I always up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Man: “She going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?”
Man: “I got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Man: “She going to poison me.”
Man: “She buy a bottle at a drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.”
Man: “I can read English pretty good, and its say right there: Regular polish remover”
A man is playing with a stray dog
Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single
23.
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said,
“We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises do you mind if I take a look around?”
The old rancher replied, “That’s fine, you shouldn’t go over there though.”
As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, “I’m am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!”
With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores about 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier.
All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, “Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!”
Two Irishmen Are Lost At Sea
A John Wayne And His Horse
24.
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
One day, the phone rang, and a little boy answered.
“May I speak to your parents?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The police.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“Oh. Is anybody else there?”
“The firemen.”
“Can I speak to them?”
“They’re busy.”
“So let me get this straight your parents, the police, and the firemen are there, but they’re all busy? What are they doing?”
“Looking for me.”
Two men were golfing
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
25.
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man in Scotland calls his son
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears;
“You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.”
When I got fired, you were there to support me when my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side you know what?
“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck.”
A man in Scotland calls his son
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
26.
His new girlfriend demanded that she should live in Jack’s and Emma’s luxurious house, and since Jack’s lawyers were of a higher calibre, he received the house in the divorce.
He gave his ex-wife Emma 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home Including the curtain rods.
I think my wife is having a affair
The man came to his pastor
His new girlfriend demanded that she should live in Jack’s and Emma’s luxurious house, and since Jack’s lawyers were of a higher calibre, he received the house in the divorce.
He gave his ex-wife Emma 3 days to move out.
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle light, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything: cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked.
People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.
He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.
She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home Including the curtain rods.
I think my wife is having a affair
The man came to his pastor
27.
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
There was once a mysterious man, six feet and seven inches tall who had ventured his way to the freezing north.
Desperate for money in an unfamiliar land, he thought of an idea.
He sat down in the middle of the street, and put up a sign.
It said: ‘Bring excitement to my face, and I’ll give you $1,000,000.
But if you fail, you give me $1.’
Soon, pedestrians started taking a chance on this strong, young man’s bet.
They stood on their hands and did backflips, but to no avail.
Dollar by dollar, the man started accumulating his wealth.
The legend of the unexcitable man soon spread all across the lakeshore.
A solider fired his machine gun in front of our mystery man, but got no reaction.
An ant deadlifted an elephant, but got no reaction.
A woman brought a talking dog to him, but he still showed no emotion.
Years later, after becoming a multimillionaire, the tall man finally took the sign down with his freakishly large hands. It was over.
No one had ever won the bet.
A young girl walked up to him and asked, ‘How were you able to maintain your focus for so long?
What did you think to yourself in your many years of silence?’
The man finally cracked a smile and said, ‘bored man gets paid.’
One smart father goes to his son
3 guys crash land on an island
28.
There was an old man who had a dream one night that he would be protected from a ravaging storm that would engulf his whole village.
The next day, as expected, a terrible storm came to his region.
The first day a neighbor of his offered help for him to flee help that he denied since he was sure God was going to help him.
The second day, when he had to take refuge in the second floor of his house given that the waters had taken over all of the first floor.
A rescue team came to his house and offered him to get out of there help that he again refused given that God had promised him to get out of there.
The third day came a helicopter to rescue him but he was adamant that God was going to save him.
Not long after he drowned and died.
Once in heaven he complained to God, “why didn’t you help me as you promised?”
To which God replied, ” I sent your neighbor, a rescue squad and even a helicopter to which you simply declined!”
One day a friend asked
A priest dies and is waiting in line
There was an old man who had a dream one night that he would be protected from a ravaging storm that would engulf his whole village.
The next day, as expected, a terrible storm came to his region.
The first day a neighbor of his offered help for him to flee help that he denied since he was sure God was going to help him.
The second day, when he had to take refuge in the second floor of his house given that the waters had taken over all of the first floor.
A rescue team came to his house and offered him to get out of there help that he again refused given that God had promised him to get out of there.
The third day came a helicopter to rescue him but he was adamant that God was going to save him.
Not long after he drowned and died.
Once in heaven he complained to God, “why didn’t you help me as you promised?”
To which God replied, ” I sent your neighbor, a rescue squad and even a helicopter to which you simply declined!”
One day a friend asked
A priest dies and is waiting in line
29.
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
The teacher asks to her student
The young couple admired the scarecrow
A teacher asked her students to use the word “beans” in a sentence.
“My father grows beans,” said one girl.
“My mother cooks beans,” said a boy.
A third student spoke up, “We are all human beans.”
The teacher asks to her student
The young couple admired the scarecrow
30.
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question,
“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?”
“None,” replied Johnny, “cause the rest would fly away.”
“Well, the answer is four,” said the teacher, “but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Little Johnny says, “I have a question for you If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was taste it her cone, which one is married?
” “Well,” said the teacher nervously, “I guess the one taste it the cone.”
“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
Puppies For Sale
On his first day on the job
Tags:
eng jokes