1.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
2.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day:
“Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big bum grill for one little weenie?”
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
The mother asked the doctor
A husband exclaims to his wife one day:
“Your bum is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big bum grill for one little weenie?”
A wife was cooking something in the kitchen
The mother asked the doctor
3.
An old man and an old woman are together every night.
They aren’t married, but for years and years they have spent every night together.
All they ever do is sit on the couch buck unclothed and watch TV while she holds his tool.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his tool.
One night he doesn’t show up.
Then a second night goes by no show. She calls him up.
“Where you been?” “Oh … I’ve been down at what’s her name’s.” “What are you doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing we do sitting unclothed on the couch watching TV while she holds my tool.”
“Well, what does she have that I don’t have?”
A mother was reading a book
A hot new secretary
An old man and an old woman are together every night.
They aren’t married, but for years and years they have spent every night together.
All they ever do is sit on the couch buck unclothed and watch TV while she holds his tool.
Every night, like clockwork, they do this sit on the couch watching TV while she holds his tool.
One night he doesn’t show up.
Then a second night goes by no show. She calls him up.
“Where you been?” “Oh … I’ve been down at what’s her name’s.” “What are you doing there?”
“Pretty much the same thing we do sitting unclothed on the couch watching TV while she holds my tool.”
“Well, what does she have that I don’t have?”
A mother was reading a book
A hot new secretary
4.
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
Two blondes were driving along a road
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied “I’m going to Las Vegas.”
He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him “I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free”.
He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife.
She said “And just where do you think you’re going?”
“I’m going too!” he replied.
“Why?” She asked.
“I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year”!
Two blondes were driving along a road
A guy and a girl meet at a bar
5.
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.”
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A business man got on an elevator in a building
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was.
The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip.
The guy says, “I’ll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye.”
The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again.
The bartender reports that his bill now is thirty dollars plus tip.
He bets the bartender he can bite his other eye.
The bartender accepts knowing the man can’t possibly have two glass eyes.
The guy then proceeds by taking out his false teeth and biting his other eye.
A business man got on an elevator in a building
A wealthy boy met a beautiful young girl
6.
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, “Who broke down the walls of Jericho?”
Little Johnny replies, “I dunno, but it wasn’t me!”
The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny’s lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies, “I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.”
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story…
After listening he replies: “I can’t see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!”
A small boy lived in the local village
A man with an elephant walks
7.
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator responded,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
“Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal.
And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me anything.!”
A farmer got in his truck
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital,
And she timidly asked,
“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator responded,
“I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the patient’s name and room number?”
The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said,
“Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied,
“Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes the operator returned to the Phone.
“Oh, good news. Her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; Her blood work just came back as normal.
And her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged Tuesday.”
The grandmother said,
“Thank you. That’s wonderful. I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,
“You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?
The grandmother said,
“No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. But no one tells me anything.!”
A farmer got in his truck
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant
8.
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, “my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Two men are in a doctor office
Two small boys
Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences.
The first man said, “my wife was reading a “tale of two cities” and she gave birth to twins”
“That’s funny”, the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘the three musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets”
The third man shouted, “Good God, I have to rush home!”
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, ” When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves”!!!
Two men are in a doctor office
Two small boys
9.
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known one another for a number of years.
Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another.
As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of ‘careful consideration,’ she answered.
“Yes. Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember.
Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her,
“When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
A city boy driving through passes a chicken farm
A couple were Christmas shopping
10.
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
The town decided to put on a Christmas carol performance, but there was some drama in the cast.
The choir was a mess, the stage crew had forgotten the props, and the lead singer kept missing the high notes.
In the middle of “Silent Night,” the audience started to get restless, and little Timmy, sitting in the front row, loudly whispered,
“Mom, why is everyone singing so off-key?”
Mom, trying to hush him, said, “Timmy, just enjoy the Christmas spirit.”
But Timmy shouted, “I’m enjoying the Christmas chaos!”
A blonde gets on an airplane
Two gas company servicemen
11.
Two men were waiting at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them started complaining about his family problems.
After listening for a while, the other man said,
“You think you have family problems? Let me tell you about mine…
A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.
Then, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became the mother-in-law to her own father-in-law.
But it gets more complicated. My stepmother—who is my stepdaughter—had a son.
This boy is my half-brother because he’s my dad’s son, but he’s also my wife’s grandson.
That makes me the grandfather of my own half-brother!
It didn’t stop there. My wife and I later had a son.
So now, the half-sister of my son—my stepmother—is also his grandmother.
And my dad, who is his brother-in-law, is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!”
The other man blinked, trying to process everything, before finally fainting from the confusion.
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
Two men were waiting at a bus stop and struck up a conversation.
One of them started complaining about his family problems.
After listening for a while, the other man said,
“You think you have family problems? Let me tell you about mine…
A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter, and we got married.
Then, my dad married my stepdaughter.
That made my stepdaughter my stepmother, and my dad became my stepson-in-law. Also, my wife became the mother-in-law to her own father-in-law.
But it gets more complicated. My stepmother—who is my stepdaughter—had a son.
This boy is my half-brother because he’s my dad’s son, but he’s also my wife’s grandson.
That makes me the grandfather of my own half-brother!
It didn’t stop there. My wife and I later had a son.
So now, the half-sister of my son—my stepmother—is also his grandmother.
And my dad, who is his brother-in-law, is the stepbrother of my dad’s wife!”
The other man blinked, trying to process everything, before finally fainting from the confusion.
A elderly man who sold flowers in a small town
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
12.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively,
“Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
“No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says,
“I’m sorry if I embarrassed you see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $300?”
The passenger window and tapped lightly
Lawyer Asks Old Lady If She Knows Who He Is
13.
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
A woman went to doctor’s office for her annual examination.
Suddenly, another older doctor noticed her burst out of the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall.
He stopped the hysterical woman and asked her to sit down and relax.
Then, he asked her what she was so upset about.
A few minutes later, the older doctor marched back to the woman’s doctor and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children, and seven grandchildren… and you told her she was pregnant?”
The woman’s doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn’t I?”
A teacher asks the kids
Two blondes were driving along a road
14.
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:
“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
A husband and wife were sitting
A husband and wife are in bed
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work.
“I have great news for you.
Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing with happiness and kissing his wife when she said:
“I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”
A husband and wife were sitting
A husband and wife are in bed
15.
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
Two women go out one Saturday night without their husbands.
As they come back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt nature calling.
They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery.
Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to pat herself dry with, so she took off her underwear, used them and discarded them.
The second woman, not finding anything either, thought, “I’m not getting rid of my underwear” so she used the ribbon from a nearby flower wreath to do the same.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “We have to be on the lookout. It seems that these two were up to no good last night. My wife came home without her underwear”
The other one responded, “You’re lucky! Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that read: “We will never forget you!”
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together
16.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: “Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”
One night little johnny wakes up
A man and his wife arrive from trip
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter”
Father: “Ohhh I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later.
Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again n she is even hotter!”
Father: “That’s great son. Who is she?”
Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”
Father: “Ohhhh I wish you hadn’t said that.Angela is also your sister.”
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.
Son: “Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”
The mother hugs him affectionately and says: “My love, you can date whoever you want. Don’t listen to him He isn’t your father.”
One night little johnny wakes up
A man and his wife arrive from trip
17.
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
An anthropologist studying the habits and customs of an African tribe found himself surrounded by children most days.
So he decided to play a little game with them.
He managed to get candy from the nearest town and put it all in a decorated basket at the foot of a tree.
Then he called the children and suggested they play the game.
When the anthropologist said “now”, the children had to run to the tree and the first one to get there could have all the candy to him/herself.
So the children all lined up waiting for the signal.
When the anthropologist said “now”, all of the children took each other by the hand ran together towards the tree.
They all arrived at the same time divided up the candy, sat down and began to happily munch away.
The anthropologist went over to them and asked why they had all run together when any one of them could have had the candy all to themselves.
The children responded:
“Ubuntu
How could any one of us be happy if all the others were sad?”
Ubuntu is a philosophy of African tribes that can be summed up as “I am what I am because of who we all are.”
Bishop Desmond Tutu gave this explanation in 2008 :
“One of the sayings in our country is Ubuntu – the essence of being human.
Ubuntu speaks particularly about the fact that you can’t exist as a human being in isolation.
It speaks about our disconnectedness
You can’t be human all by yourself, and when you have this quality –
Ubuntu – you are known for your generosity.
We think of ourselves far too frequently as just individuals, separated from one another,
whereas you are connected and what you do affects the whole World.
When you do well, it spreads out; it is for the whole of humanity.”
The Pencil Maker
A burglar broke into house
18.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish just one.”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ???”
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.
“Where on earth did you get that ???” asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish just one.”
The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “You know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”
The man replies, “Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist ???”
A man was driving and saw a truck stalled
This guy come into a bar and asks bartender
19.
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other, “Just a minute, I’ll be right back.”
He goes into the confessional and says, “Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.”
The Father says, “You need to say 40 Hail Mary’s and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.”
The confessor replies, “Yes Father, they were.”
The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.
The man said, “Father, I don’t kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.”
The priest responded, “Well, was one of them Mrs. O’Reilly?”
The man replied, “No Father, and I wouldn’t say anyway. I’ve told you that!”
The priest says, “Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?”
Exasperated the man said, “No Father, and I told you I’m not telling you the names of the women!!!”
The priest said, “Well then I’m going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!”
The man said, “OK, fine,” and left.
As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said, “So, how did it go?”
The confessor said, “Great! 6 months off, and two leads
Three devout nuns were summoned
A guy’s partner called him late
20.
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on.
The only problem is that she is a nun.
He decides to approach her anyway.
“Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I must have lovemaking with you.” he says.
“I’m sorry but I’ve given my body to God” she replies and then leaves.
Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says “I know a way you can get her in the sack.”
The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon.
The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he’s going to get some.
The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest.
When the nun approaches in the darkness he says “Sister, God has told me I must have lovemaking with you.”
She replies “Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the bum.”
The guy figures this isn’t a problem and proceeds to have the best lovemaking ever.
After it is over he whips off his outfit and says “Surprise I’m the guy on the bus”
With that the nun turns around and says “Surprise I’m the bus driver.”
A little boy was afraid of the dark
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner
21.
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
She was standing on the sidewalk of Atlíântica Avenue with a guitar and a hand-written sign that said: “Let’s sing together.”
She began to play.
Then a drunk arrived, then another old lady and they began to sing along with her.
In a short time a small crowd was singing together and another small crowd played the audience, clapping hands at the end of each number.
“Why do you do this?” I asked between songs.
“I don’t want to be alone,” she said “My life is very lonely, just like almost all old people.”
I wish they all could solve their problems in this way.
The cuckoo clock
The Bartender Is Impressed
22.
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “
Two hunters went moose hunting
Two guys were sitting outside
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What’s your name?” he asked the new guy.
“John,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . “
Two hunters went moose hunting
Two guys were sitting outside
23.
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
A boss says to his secretary, “we are travelling abroad for the week so make arrangements.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss and i will be travelling abroad for some reasons.”
The secretary husband makes call to her secret lover, “my wife is travelling for the weekend so come to my house so that we can be together.”
The secret lover makes call to the child she’s teaching lesson, “i will not be at home this week so don’t come for lesson.”
The child makes call to his grandpa “grandpa, my lesson teacher is not around so i’ll use the weekend with you.”
Then grandpa makes call to his secretary “my grandson is coming to use his weekend with me so we are not travelling again.”
The secretary makes call to her husband, “my boss said his grandson is coming to use weekend with him, so our trip is cancelled.”
The husband makes a call to secret lover, “We cannot spend the week together, my wife has cancelled her trip.”
The secret lover makes a call to little boy, “We will still have classes as usual this week.”
The little boy makes a call to his grandfather, “Grandpa! I’m sorry we won’t be able to spend the week together. My teacher called and said that I have to attend classes.”
The grandpa makes a call to his secretary, “Change of plans! My grandson is no more coming. So we are still travelling this week. Make arrangements.”
A old man and a 20 year old are paired together
Three women friends met for drinks after work
24.
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen had been longtime close friends.
But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs Cohen,
so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.
Mrs Murphy said, “Don’t be holding’ back, Mrs Cohen, how do you like it here?”
Mrs Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility, and the caretakers.
Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said,
“But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.”
Mrs Murphy said, “Now isn’t that wonderful! Tell me all about it.”
Mrs Cohen said, “After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.”
Mrs Murphy said, “For sure it’s a blessing I’m so glad for you Mrs Cohen.”
Mrs Cohen said, “And how is it with you, Mrs Murphy?”
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs Cohen said, “Good for you! So what do you do?”
Mrs Murphy says, “We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”
Mrs Cohen said, “Yes? And then….?”
Mrs Murphy said, “Well, since we don’t know any Jewish songs.”
A farmer decided he wanted to go and see a movie
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen had been longtime close friends.
But being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.
It was not long before Mrs Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs Cohen,
so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.
Mrs Murphy said, “Don’t be holding’ back, Mrs Cohen, how do you like it here?”
Mrs Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility, and the caretakers.
Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said,
“But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.”
Mrs Murphy said, “Now isn’t that wonderful! Tell me all about it.”
Mrs Cohen said, “After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.”
Mrs Murphy said, “For sure it’s a blessing I’m so glad for you Mrs Cohen.”
Mrs Cohen said, “And how is it with you, Mrs Murphy?”
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs Cohen said, “Good for you! So what do you do?”
Mrs Murphy says, “We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.”
Mrs Cohen said, “Yes? And then….?”
Mrs Murphy said, “Well, since we don’t know any Jewish songs.”
A farmer decided he wanted to go and see a movie
The teacher asked for the first volunteer
25.
In ancient times, a king had his men place a boulder on a roadway.
He then hid in the bushes, and watched to see if anyone would move the boulder out of the way some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers passed by and simply walked around it.
Many people blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none of them did anything about getting the stone removed.
One day, a peasant came along carrying vegetables upon approaching the boulder.
The peasant laid down his burden and tried to push the stone out of the way after much pushing and straining, he finally managed.
After the peasant went back to pick up his vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.
The purse contained many gold coins and note from the King explain that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the road.
One night four college students
My son starts school today
In ancient times, a king had his men place a boulder on a roadway.
He then hid in the bushes, and watched to see if anyone would move the boulder out of the way some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers passed by and simply walked around it.
Many people blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none of them did anything about getting the stone removed.
One day, a peasant came along carrying vegetables upon approaching the boulder.
The peasant laid down his burden and tried to push the stone out of the way after much pushing and straining, he finally managed.
After the peasant went back to pick up his vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been.
The purse contained many gold coins and note from the King explain that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the road.
One night four college students
My son starts school today
26.
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
27.
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
It’s demob time in the army, and as things have gone so well there’s a new wheeze.
“Every retiring soldier is entitled to a bonus,” says the captain.
“You’ll be awarded £10 for every centimeter measured between the two body parts of your choice.
Private, you’re first.”
“I’ll have it measured from my feet to the top of my head,” he says.
Out comes the tape, and it comes to 175cm, so he leaves £1750 richer.
“Corporal?”
The corporal’s a lanky guy, so he chooses to be measured from the tip of one outstretched hand to the other.
A few minutes later he’s £1830 to the good.
“Right, sergeant, you’re the last.”
“I’ll take it as the distance from my left eye to my right eye.”
“You sure?”
“Absolutely.”
He takes off his sunglasses and the captain steps up.
“Hang on, sergeant, where’s your right eye?”
“I left it at the battle of Jebel,” the sergeant says.
“I’ll take a cheque.”
Jones came into the office an hour late
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
28.
The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A man walks into a butcher shop
A teacher was telling the story
The Mexican Maid asked for a pay rise.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increase.
The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I a’m a better at make love than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A man walks into a butcher shop
A teacher was telling the story
29.
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
A blonde walked into a department store and said “i would like to buy this tv”.
The manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was so mad, she went home and died her hair black.
She went back to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”, the manager said “sorry we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde was furious.
She went home and died her hair red but waited a couple of days to return.
After a couple of days she returned to the department store and said “i would like to buy this tv please”.
The manager replied with “we don’t sell to blondes”.
The blonde said how do you know I’m a blonde.
The manager said “because that’s a microwave.”
A few months after his parents were divorced
A student at college had failed his final
30.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
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eng jokes