1.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
A blonde was trying to sell her old car.
She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.
One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.
The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
“That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I can only sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will ‘fix it’. Then you shouldn’t have a problem anymore trying to sell your car.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!”
A blonde goes to the local bar
A lawyer defending a man accused
2.
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
3.
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.
A speeding driver was pulled over
A young man excitedly tells his mother
On the morning of her birthday, a woman told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”
“Maybe you’ll find out tonight,” he said.
That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.
She ripped off the wrapping paper and found a book titled ‘The Meaning of Dreams’.
A speeding driver was pulled over
A young man excitedly tells his mother
4.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
5.
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into hers, damaging the front bumper, and that she hadn’t made a note of the licence plate number.
“What kind of car was he driving?” asked the husband.
“I don’t know,” she said.
“I can never tell one make of car from another.”
Hearing this, the husband decided it was time for her to learn and for the next few days, whenever they were out on the road, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could identify every make.
It worked. A week later, she bounded in with a big grin on her face. “Darling,” she said. “I hit a Pontiac G8!”
The truck driver stopped
A Texan visitor to England asked
6.
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed,..
His grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
“Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!” he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
“Well… last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”
A couple went to a bang therapists office
When I was married 25 years
7.
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.
As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks,
“what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart
I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
A farmer from the cotton fields
A man puts the phone on speaker
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself.
As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks,
“what’s the matter?”
The Blonde Guy replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart
I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.
“Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.
“What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
The Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “Why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.
A few months later the guy is back in the bar.
The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.
Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems.
I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
The bartender, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!”
The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims.
“I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”
A farmer from the cotton fields
A man puts the phone on speaker
8.
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’
The man says, ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’
A guy is walking down the street
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.
Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
She turns to him… they kiss… and then they rip each other’s clothes off and make hot steamy love.
After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, ‘Well, how was it?’
The man says, ‘You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.’
A guy is walking down the street
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
9.
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
A lady rubbed a bottle and a genie popped out.
“You have one wish” said the genie.
“Hey” countered the lady “I thought I get three wishes?”
“Not from me” said the genie “I’m not that powerful.”
“OK” responded the lady taking out a map, “I am making a wish for peace between this country.”
“I’m really sorry” said the genie, “but I am not powerful enough for that.”
“That’s fine” said the lady, “instead I would like to find a cool, caring man, who loves children, and cooking.”
The genie sighed and said “alright let me see that map again.”
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Two men met at a bus stop
10.
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
Out on the prairie, a farmer is tending to his flock of grazing sheep, when suddenly a brand new BMW pulls up on a nearby road.
The man in the car is dressed in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and an expensive tie.
He sticks his head out of the car window and loudly calls to the farmer, “If I can count how many sheep you’ve got grazing there, would you let me take one of the sheep with me?”
The farmer looks at the man, then at his dispersed flock of sheep, and yells back, “Fine by me!”
The man drives up next to the farmer and sets up his Dell Notebook on his car’s hood.
The man then uses his iPhone to establish a 4G connection to NASA.
He connects to a GPS system, pulls the exact coordinates and relays them to another satellite which subsequently scans the grazing area with a high-definition camera.
Without breaking a sweat he opens the image in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany Within a few seconds his iPad receives an email saying “picture processed and data stored”, after which he logs in to an MS-SQL database via ODBC and exports the data to an Excel sheet containing lots of advanced formulas.
He then relays his data to Xircom, and within seconds he gets a reply.
The man finishes his technical wizardry by printing a 150 page report using his high-tech HP Color Laser Jet.
He casually glances at the documents and says to the farmer: “Hmm… You’ve got exactly 156 animals here.”
“That’s right,” says the farmer, “a deal’s a deal – you’re welcome to one of the sheep.”
The farmer looks on as the man walks around deciding on which sheep to pick, after which the man struggles to get the animal into the trunk of his brand new car.
The farmer then says, “Tell you what, if I can guess your profession, would you give me back my sheep?”
The man considers this for a moment, and then replies, “Sure Let’s hear it then, what do I do?”
“You’re a consultant,” says the farmer.
“That’s right!” exclaims the man with surprise, “How on Earth did you know?”
“It’s a no-brainier,” says the farmer, “you came here without being asked, you charged me for something that I already knew and you haven’t got the faintest clue about my line of work.
So be a sport, open the trunk and give me back my dog!”
A couple stays at the Watergate Hotel
A wood-chopping contest
11.
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my ball black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my ball black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his ball, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his weapon in one hand and his ball in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
A cab driver picked up a nun
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
A male patient was lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four-hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse came into his room, ready to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse,” he mumbled from behind the mask. “Are my ball black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replied: “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body.”
He struggled to ask again: “Nurse, are my ball black?”
Concerned that he might elevate his vitals from concern about his ball, she overcame her embarrassment and sheepishly pulled back the covers.
She raised his gown, held his weapon in one hand and his ball in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she took a close look and said: “No sir, they aren’t. And I assure you, there’s nothing wrong with them!!”
The man weakly pulled off his oxygen mask, smiled at her and said, very slowly:
“Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely….
“A r e – m y – t e s t – r e s u l t s – b a c k?”
A cab driver picked up a nun
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television
12.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
He thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground and called out “Daddy, come and see what these two funny spiders are doing.”
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention
He noticed she was looking at two Daddy Long legs in the process of making baby Daddy Long legs.
The Dad smiled and said “They’re just mating Sweetheart.”
“What do you call the spider on top?” the daughter asked.
“Daddy Long legs” the father replied
“So, the other one is a Mommy long legs?” the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question, he replied “No dear
Both of them are Daddy Long legs.”
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then stood up, says “RIGHT!!” raises her foot and, *CRUNCH*, stomps them flat and said, “We’re having none of that Broke back-Mountain.
The John’s grandpa
Three brothers each marry a woman
13.
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
There is an overweight guy who is watching TV.
A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week.
So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.
Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”
As soon as he sees her, she takes off running.
He tries to catch her, but is unable.
This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds.
After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week.
The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions.
The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.
This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less.
Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program.
Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan.
Still he signs up.
The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!”
The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.
This little guy sitting in a bar
A business man got on an elevator in a building
14.
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have making love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his tool in the mommy’s.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s tool in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor
One night a little girl walks
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have making love.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his tool in the mommy’s.
That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s tool in your mouth.
What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor
One night a little girl walks
15.
A man and his wife are travelling through Florida when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimmee.
They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it.
“KISS-a-me,” says the husband.
“That’s wrong,” says the wife,
“The right way to say it is kis-A-me.”
“Not necessarily,” says the husband,
“It could also be kis-a-ME.”
Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide to stop to buy some lunch.
The husband decides that this is a good opportunity to be proven right, and settle the argument with his wife.
“Excuse me,” he says to the waitress at the counter,
“My wife and I can’t figure out the right way to pronounce the name of this place. Will you please tell us where we are, and say it slowly so that we get it right?”
“Sure,” says the waitress.
“Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiinnnnggg.”
A nun teaching Sunday school
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel
A man and his wife are travelling through Florida when they notice a sign telling them that the town they are entering is called Kissimmee.
They quickly start arguing about the correct way to pronounce it.
“KISS-a-me,” says the husband.
“That’s wrong,” says the wife,
“The right way to say it is kis-A-me.”
“Not necessarily,” says the husband,
“It could also be kis-a-ME.”
Their argument continues as they enter town, and decide to stop to buy some lunch.
The husband decides that this is a good opportunity to be proven right, and settle the argument with his wife.
“Excuse me,” he says to the waitress at the counter,
“My wife and I can’t figure out the right way to pronounce the name of this place. Will you please tell us where we are, and say it slowly so that we get it right?”
“Sure,” says the waitress.
“Buuurrrgerrrr Kiiinnnnggg.”
A nun teaching Sunday school
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel
16.
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
One night, a guy walked into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
Then he asked for another.
After a couple more drinks, the bartender got worried.
“What’s the matter?” the bartender asked.
“My wife and I got into a fight,” explained the guy, “and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days . . .”
He took another drink, and said, “And tonight is the last night.”
The bartender asks the guy sitting
A man walked into a bar and ordered
17.
A fox observing a fish cart coming, lay down and pretended to be dead.
The cart man, tempted by the idea of making some money by selling the fox’s fur, picked up the animal by its tail and flung it into the back of the cart among the fish.
Then he resumed his journey.
The fox ate his fill of the fish and jumped out of the cart.
A wolf saw him jumping out and asked him what he had been doing in it.
The fox told him and also how he had got into it in the first place.
The wolf ran ahead of the cart and lay down in its path, pretending to be dead.
The cart man was delighted to find another animal to sell, but he found the animal too heavy to lift.
So he pushed it into a sack, tied the sack to his cart and dragged it away.
A Little Old Lady Dropping Money As She Walks
The base commander
A fox observing a fish cart coming, lay down and pretended to be dead.
The cart man, tempted by the idea of making some money by selling the fox’s fur, picked up the animal by its tail and flung it into the back of the cart among the fish.
Then he resumed his journey.
The fox ate his fill of the fish and jumped out of the cart.
A wolf saw him jumping out and asked him what he had been doing in it.
The fox told him and also how he had got into it in the first place.
The wolf ran ahead of the cart and lay down in its path, pretending to be dead.
The cart man was delighted to find another animal to sell, but he found the animal too heavy to lift.
So he pushed it into a sack, tied the sack to his cart and dragged it away.
A Little Old Lady Dropping Money As She Walks
The base commander
18.
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
19.
On their wedding night young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,..
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, wife was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had ‘charged’ and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,…
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had s*x only with you.”
That’s when she shot him.
Moral: You know, that’s what happens when you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut…!!!
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A very self-important college freshman
On their wedding night young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years,..
with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, wife was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes
he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate down sizing, and he had been let go.
It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he’d be able to find another job.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million.
Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million.
She explained that she had ‘charged’ and these were the results of her savings and investments.
The husband was so astounded he could barely speak.
Finally he found his voice and blurted out,…
“If I’d had any idea what you were doing, I would have had s*x only with you.”
That’s when she shot him.
Moral: You know, that’s what happens when you don’t know when to keep your mouth shut…!!!
John bought his new colleague Peter home for dinner
A very self-important college freshman
20.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
21.
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
A man who drank a lot was told by his wife “If you ever come home drunk again, I’m going to leave you”.
Regardless, that night he went out to a pub and drank a lot and was sick all over his shirt.
He told his friend, “If I go home like this my wife will leave me”.
His friend said, “I tell you what, put a twenty-pound note in your inside jacket pocket,
go home and show it to her and tell her somebody threw-up over you and he gave you the money for the dry-cleaning bill”.
He goes home and his wife’s angry at the state of him and tells him she is leaving, but he says,
“No, no, no, somebody was sick on me and he put a twenty-pound note in my jacket pocket for the dry-cleaning bill”.
His wife digs into his jacket pocket and pulls out some money.
“Then why have you got two twenty-pound notes in there?”
“Oh, the other is from the man who shat in my pants”
My buddies and I where out for a night
The Nurse Asked My Family’s
22.
A man went to his father and said: ‘Father, I can’t take it anymore, my wife is driving me insane! I want to kill her, but I’m afraid someone might find out I did it Please help me?’
The Father replied: ‘Yes I can help you, but there’s a but… you’re going to have to make amends with her so no one would suspect that it was you, when she dies.
You’ll have to take very good care of her, be kind, grateful, patient, caring, listen more and help her with chores you see this powder here?
Every day you have to put a little in her food so, she dies slowly.’
Thirty days had passed and the son came back and said to his father:
‘I don’t want her to die! I have come to love her and now how do I cut the effect of the poison?’
Then the father said: ‘Don’t worry! What I gave you was rice powder she’s not going to die, because the poison was in you!’
When we feed grudges, our love slowly dies.
When we make peace with ourselves and with those who offended us, then we can deal with the other, as we would like to be treated.
Then, we will have the initiative to love, to give, to offer, to serve, to care for… and not just have the need to win, to be served, or to take advantage of and exploit the other.
We all need to stop, pray and ask for that antidote called forgiveness.
A old couple Abe and Esther
Mother-in-law
A man went to his father and said: ‘Father, I can’t take it anymore, my wife is driving me insane! I want to kill her, but I’m afraid someone might find out I did it Please help me?’
The Father replied: ‘Yes I can help you, but there’s a but… you’re going to have to make amends with her so no one would suspect that it was you, when she dies.
You’ll have to take very good care of her, be kind, grateful, patient, caring, listen more and help her with chores you see this powder here?
Every day you have to put a little in her food so, she dies slowly.’
Thirty days had passed and the son came back and said to his father:
‘I don’t want her to die! I have come to love her and now how do I cut the effect of the poison?’
Then the father said: ‘Don’t worry! What I gave you was rice powder she’s not going to die, because the poison was in you!’
When we feed grudges, our love slowly dies.
When we make peace with ourselves and with those who offended us, then we can deal with the other, as we would like to be treated.
Then, we will have the initiative to love, to give, to offer, to serve, to care for… and not just have the need to win, to be served, or to take advantage of and exploit the other.
We all need to stop, pray and ask for that antidote called forgiveness.
A old couple Abe and Esther
Mother-in-law
23.
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament.
They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.
As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes
“when I was your age we used to hit over the trees not around to the side.”
So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees but can’t clear them and loses his ball.
He tries again and loses that one too.
Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, the trees were only 6 foot tall.”
A truck driver was going down
A boss says to his secretary
24.
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, Sir I must have misunderstood you what did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it I said I want to open a damn checking account now!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank.”
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.
The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that sort of language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says,
“I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see,” says the manager, “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
A cop notices how fast he is going
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
25.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A man was talking to a group
The woman was discussing with her maid
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.
He explains how the game works: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa.”
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:
“Okay, how about this “If you don’t know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $50.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the blonde’s turn.
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?”
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look.
He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up.
He wakes the blonde and hands her $50.
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, so what IS the answer?”
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
A man was talking to a group
The woman was discussing with her maid
26.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A man returns home a day early
A wife asked her husband to drop
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came to see a therapist.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time,
The therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and ki$$$$$$ed her long and passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?”
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
A man returns home a day early
A wife asked her husband to drop
27.
Two Travelers, walking in the noonday sun, sought the shade of a wide spreading tree to rest.
As they lay looking up among the pleasant leaves, they saw that it was a Plane Tree.
“How useless is the Plane!” said one of them.
“It bears no fruit whatever, and only serves to litter the ground with leaves.”
“Ungrateful creatures!” said a voice from the Plane Tree.
“You lie here in my cooling shade, and yet you say I am useless! Thus ungratefully, O Jupiter, do men receive their blessings!”
A cowboy at a bar
A foursome of senior golfers
Two Travelers, walking in the noonday sun, sought the shade of a wide spreading tree to rest.
As they lay looking up among the pleasant leaves, they saw that it was a Plane Tree.
“How useless is the Plane!” said one of them.
“It bears no fruit whatever, and only serves to litter the ground with leaves.”
“Ungrateful creatures!” said a voice from the Plane Tree.
“You lie here in my cooling shade, and yet you say I am useless! Thus ungratefully, O Jupiter, do men receive their blessings!”
A cowboy at a bar
A foursome of senior golfers
28.
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
A wife asked her husband to drop her off at a friend’s house, where a wedding reception was taking place.
He responded that he would be too busy throughout the day in the office, and gave her some money to take a taxi.
He left for the office.
The wife took a Taxi to the wedding reception, there she met a fine Girl and they got talking to each other.
Soon they became friends.
In the evening when everyone was leaving, the Girl asked the Woman how she was going home.
She replied that her husband was too busy in the office to pick her up so she would use a taxi.
The Girl responded, “My boyfriend brought me here and would be coming to pick me up. I just spoke to him on the phone and he’s on his way. Why don’t you join me in his car and we would drop you at your house.”
The woman agreed.
A few minutes later, her husband’s car arrived.
The Girl jumped into the front passengers seat of the car and asked the Woman to sit at the backseat, which she did confused and perturbed.
Then the Girl introduced her new friend to her boyfriend.
When the man turned around to greet the woman, he recognized her as his wife.
Nothing much was said along the way.
He dropped the wife at home first as planned and proceeded to drop the Girl at her house.
The question now is: If you were the wife, what would you do when your husband returns home?
If you were the husband, what would you say to your wife when you return home.
What would you do if you are the wife?
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A Italian couple is their honeymoon
29.
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
30.
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at his clock it’s 3:30 a.m.
He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there.
“Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband
Husband and wife talking in bed
A husband and wife are in bed when there is a knock at the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at his clock it’s 3:30 a.m.
He drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
When he opens the door, there is a drunk slumped there.
“Hi ya,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”
“Get lost,” says the man. “It’s half-past three.”
He slams the door and goes back up to bed. He tells his wife about the drunk.
She says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain and you had to knock on that man’s door? What would’ve happened if he’d told us to get lost?”
Shamefaced, the husband gets fully dressed, puts on his shoes and picks up all his tools then goes to his own car and takes out some cables.
Finally having all he needs to assist any problem the man may have, he opens the door and calls out, “Hey, do you still want a push?”
A voice answers, “Yes, please.”
“Where are you?” calls the man.
“I’m over here…” replies the stranger,
“…on your swing set.”
The newlywed wife said to her husband
Husband and wife talking in bed
Tags:
eng jokes