Royal CB Editing - Hindi Jokes, Royal Images, CB Editing & Motivational Quotes

1.



A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands.
They had been silent for a while, then the lass said, “A penny for your thoughts.”
The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, “Well, I was thinking’ how nice it would be if ye’d give me a wee bit of a kiss.”
So she did so.
But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, “What are ye thinking’ now?”
To which the lad replied: “Well, I was hoping’ ye hadn’t forgot the penny!”
Two old school friends meet on the street
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing

2.



A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest

3.



A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her T-shirt open.
A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, “Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman’s right fronts is hanging out.”
As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her front is hanging out.
When he gets face to face with her he says, “Ma’am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Well, your fronts is hanging out.”
She looks down and says “OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!”
A young female teacher wearing
One late Saturday night a young guy

4.



A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
“I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
‘Dad, what are you talking about?’ the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We’re sick of each other and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they’re getting divorced!”
She shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced don’t do a single thing until I get there, I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
‘Sorted! They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.’
Mailmen Get It Regular
I think you’re bad luck

5.



A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank

6.



A wife was frying some eggs one morning when suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
He shouted, “Careful, Careful! Put some more butter in! Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once. Too many! Turn them! Tum them now! We need more butter.
They’re going to stick! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking. Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget. Use the salt. THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him in amazement, “What is wrong with you? I know how to fry a couple of eggs.”
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
A man and his wife went to a doctor
A man returns home a day early

7.



Anna and blonde are walking home from a night at the bar and have to pee, so they stop at a cemetery.
With nothing to wipe with Anna uses her underwear and the blonde uses a nearby wreath.
The next day anna’s boyfriend calls his friend, “They are never going out again! Anna came home without underwear!”
The other replies, “You think that’s bad?
My girlfriend came with a card in her crack that said,
‘From all of us at the fire station, we will never forget you.
One day a man goes to the beach
A little girl and a little boy

8.



A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
“Tim, you be first,” she said.
“What does your mother do all day?”
Tim stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher.
“What about your father, Billy?”
Billy proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy murders people, steals from them, and drinks.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy’s house and rang the bell.
Billy’s father answered the door.
The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.
Billy’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
A man phones home from his office
Three women are talking about

9.



Three guys are sitting around the campfire…
…exchanging their worst experiences.
The first guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was,
he was up on scaffold 7 stories high washing windows when the scaffold collapsed and he fell, breaking every bone in his body and he was hospitalized for six months.
The second guy says the worst thing that ever happened to him was, he was hitch-hiking and a Greyhound bus ran over him, breaking his back and he wound up in the hospital for nearly a year.
The 3rd guy was not saying anything, so one of the others asked him about his worst experience.
He said, “Well, I’ll tell you about the second worst thing that ever happened to me,
I was out hunting one time and I had to take a shit, so I stepped behind a tree, dropped my trousers, and crouched down into the position.”
“Yeah? What happened next?” asks his friend.
“I got a little too close to the ground and — WHAM — a bear trap snapped shut on my testicles.”
The other guy says, “God! If that was the second worst, what in the world was the worst?”
He calmly replied, “Oh, that would be when I reached the end of the chain
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
Ted was a young boy

10.



A married man decided to work late to be with his hot secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner.
It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great lovemaking for two hours.
Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.
He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife.
After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him.
Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.
Holding his neck with one hand, he said, “Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!”
Hell, she answered, ripping open her T-shirt, “Look what he did to my melons!”
A female reporter was conducting an interview
A business man packing for a trip

11.



A couple decide to take their young daughter to zoo one weekend
While standing around the elephant exhibit the little girl notice that the big bull elephant has huge manhood
She whisper to her mother “What is that between his legs?”
Her mother whisper back “Oh that is nothing darling.”
Not satisfied with mothers answer she whisper to her father
“Daddy what does he have between his legs?
Her father whisper back “That his tool darling.
He put that inside the lady elephant to make baby elephants.”
The little girl get confused & whisper “Mum says it’s nothing.”
Father reply “Yes but I spoil that woman.”
A mother takes her daughter to a clinic
A Husband was a bit embarrassed

12.



The mother came on her little son who was standing thoughtfully before the gooseberry bush in the garden.
She noted that his expression was both puzzled and distressed.
“Why, what’s the matter, little lamb?” she asked tenderly.
“I’m thinkin, mumy,” the boy answered.
“What about, little man?”
“Have gooseberries any legs, mumy?”
“Why, no! Of course not, dear.”
The perplexity passed from the little boy’s face, but the expression of trouble deepened, as he spoke again:
“Then, mumy, I fink I’ve swallowed a catapillar.”
A elderly couple who were childhood
An 18 year old girl tells her Mum

13.



An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’ He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..’
She said, ‘I’m a queer. I spend my whole day thinking about undressed women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about undressed women. When I shower, I think about undressed women. When I watch TV, I think about undressed women. It seems everything makes me think of undressed women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, ‘Are you a real cowboy?’
He replied, ‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a queer.’
A boy is wandering in a hotel
A man hankering after some chili

14.



Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close

15.



A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ‘Please wake me at 5:00 AM. He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, ‘It is 5:00 AM wake up.’
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
A man calls home to his wife
A couple were Christmas shopping

16.



A dentist told a mother, “I’m sorry madam,
but I’ll have to charge you a $100 for pulling your boy’s tooth.”
The mother exclaimed, “A $100!
You said it was only $20!”
“Yes,” replied the dentist,
“but he yelled so loudly that he scared four other patients out of the office!”
The employer asked the candidate
A boss said to his secretary

17.



Whispering firmly to the dying man, the priest said,
“Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!”
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order.
Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, “Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?”
The dying man said, “Until I know where I’m heading, I don’t think I ought to aggravate anybody.”
The story of one 10-year-old boy
A woman walks into the city center

18.



A man was driving his wife home after a night out, when they were stopped by the police.
“Sir, did you know you were speeding?” asked the officer.
“No, I had no idea that I was speeding,” replied the husband.
“Of course you were,” interrupted the wife, “you’re always speeding.”
The officer looked at the rear of the vehicle and said, “And did you know your brake light is broken sir?”
“No, I had no idea that it was broken,” replied the husband.
Again the wife interrupted, “Of course you knew it was broken.
You’re always saying you’ll get it repaired, but you never have.”
The officer began to sympathize for the husband and said, “Does she always talk to you like this?”
The wife said, “Only when he’s drunk.”
A man found a genie in a magic lamp
A woman stood up at a local pub

19.



A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.
“One of the benefits of this profession,” he explained, “is that we have built-in weather predictions.”
“What do you mean by that?” asked one inquisitive visitor.
“When the cows are standing,” the farmer explained, “it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. When they’re lying down, it means it’s going to rain.”
“On our bus trip,” another visitor piped in, “I saw half the herd standing and the other half lying down. What does that mean?”
The farmer flashed a smile and answered, “That means half of them are wrong.”
This man drunk walks into a bar
A man was sitting alone in his office

20.



A businessman was in big trouble
He had put everything into his business, and now it was failing.
It was so bad he was even contemplating suicide
As a last resort he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, “Here’s what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach.
Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water’s edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap.
Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally the open Bible will come to rest on a page.
Look down at the page and read the first thing you see
That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do.”
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him
The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining.
The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor, and was curious
“You did as I suggested?” he asked.
“Absolutely,” replied the businessman.
“You went to the beach?”
“Absolutely.”
“You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?”
“Absolutely.”
“You let the pages rifle until they stopped?”
“Absolutely.”
“And what were the first words you saw?”
“Chapter 11.”
He goes to monastery knocks the door
There was a prince

21.



The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open.
Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate.
Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.
“Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.”
“Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed
“You left with seven!”
A Polish man had married a Canadian girl
A Irishman was terribly overweight

22.



Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?”
“I sure do” Grandpa replied.
“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?”
“How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?”
“Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!”
“Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!”
“Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.
“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
Bob asks his mom
A man and his wife were going

23.



A 15-year-old Little Johnny comes home with a Porsche his parents began to yell and scream.
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money?” Demanded his parents.
“We know how much a Porsche costs!”
“Well,” said the Little Johnny, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder.
“Who would sell a car like this for fifteen dollars!?” They asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy, “don’t know her name they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” Gasped the mother,
“She must be a child abuser! Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in her yard calmly planting flowers.
He introduced himself as the father of the boy she sold the Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why.
“Well,” she said, this morning I got a phone call from my husband.
I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back.
He claimed he was really stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.
Two ladies are walking their dogs
A Man Was At Home Watching TV

24.



One day a man goes to the beach to get a tan, he is wearing no clothes except for a newspaper to cover his privates.
A little girl walk up to him and asks ”What is under the newspaper?”
The man replies ”Oh, that’s my birdy, don’t touch it.”
Soon after, he falls asleep.
When he woke up he realized he was in a hospital and he felt a tense pain in his private area.
He sees the little girl sitting beside his bed.
”What happened?” the man asks ”Oh, uh yeah when you fell asleep I went and played with your birdy but then it spat on me sooo.
I broke it’s neck, smashed it’s eggs and burned it’s nest.
There are three friends
Anna and blonde are walking home

25.



A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There’s hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there’s more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they’ve had make love, he turns to her and asks, “So, how was I?”
She says, “Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.”
He calls the waiter over and asks
A woman went to see her psychiatrist

26.



The farmer agreed to deliver the horse to Tommy the following day.
The next day though, the farmer turned up at Tommy’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.”
Tommy replied, “Well, then just give me my money back that’s fine.”
The farmer said, “Sorry, I can’t do that I went and spent it already.”
Tommy then said, “Okay, then, just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer was surprised and asked Tommy, “Why? What ya gonna do with him?”
Tommy replied, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer laughed and said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse! Who’d buy a ticket?”
Tommy answered, “Sure I can, just watch me I just won’t tell anybody the horse is dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Tommy again and asked, “What happened with that dead horse in the end did you raffle him off?”
Tommy said, “I sure did I sold 500 tickets at $5 a piece.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Tommy smiled and said, “Just the guy who won so I gave him his $5 back.”
A young man was getting ready to graduate college
A Indian Chief in a modern society

27.



A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
Two men are having golf

28.



A lady from the city and her traveling companion were riding the train through Vermont when she noticed some cows.
“What a cute bunch of cows!” she remarked.
“Not a bunch, herd”, her friend replied.
“Heard of what?”
“Herd of cows.”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows.”
“No, a cow herd.”
“What do I care what a cow heard. I have no secrets to keep from a cow!”
A lady calls the police to report
A blonde had just gotten a new car

29.



An elderly married couple is having problems in the bedroom.
So the wife goes to an toy store and asks the worker behind the counter what she can do to spice up her lovemaking.
The worker suggests some privates underwear and takes her to see some.
The wife looks at them and thinks they’re perfect She can’t wait to get home and wear them for her husband.
When she gets home she finds her husband is still out.
She makes her way up the bedroom to put on her new underwear.
She eagerly waits for her husband to get home.
After some time she hears him come in.
He calls out to her, “where are you??”
“I’m in the bedroom, dear!” She replies.
He makes his way up to the bedroom and sees his wife laying back in bed.
“Want some of this?” She asks as she spreads her legs open to give him a nice view.
The man takes one looks and says, “Hell no! Look what it did to your underwear!”
The teacher asked the class to use the word
A few women were sitting around the table

30.



A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror.
However, this does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.
Then one day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now saying that her fronts are too small.
So the husband comes up with a suggestion,
“If you want your fronts to grow larger, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your fronts for a few seconds.”
Goes to fetch paper Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper.
And then once again, she stands in front of the mirror, this time rubbing paper between her fronts.
“How long will this take?” she asks.
“They’ll grow slightly larger every day over the years,” he replies.
The wife stops, turns to him and says,
“Wait, why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my fronts every day will make my fronts grow over the years?”
The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your bum, didn’t it?
A man standing at a urinal
Man decides to rob a Russian restaurant