1.
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer.
All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror, the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”
The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.
He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.
“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.
“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers.
“We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”
“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk.
“You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Louisa asked her small brother
Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer.
All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror, the cops are on his tail.
His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”
The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”
They pull over and the cop walks up to the car.
He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”
“Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.
“I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.
“Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers.
“We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”
“Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “What on earth are those things on your forehead?”
“That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk.
“You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the patch.”
A lady was sitting with a guy in a plane
Louisa asked her small brother
2.
Three contractors were submitting estimates to replace a large amount of fencing in a large country house.
The estate manager got them all together so that he could study their bids.
The first one took out his tape and measured how much fencing would be needed.
He then produced a notebook and pencil and proceeded to do some calculations before turning to the estate manager and telling him, “I reckon that with the materials and labour, I can do it for £900.”
The second contractor did much the same as the first one and after a while he said, “My estimate for the job, including materials and labour, would be £800 all in.”
The estate manager looked at the third contractor and asked him what his estimate would be.
The man didn’t move at all, but said to the manager, “£2800.”
“£2800?” said the manager, “but you haven’t even bothered to measure up. How did you arrive at that figure?”
The man took the manager’s arm and walked him a few paces away from the other contractors and said to him quietly, “That’s a thousand for me, a thousand for you, and you get the second bloke to do the fencing.”
“Done,” said the manager.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
Three contractors were submitting estimates to replace a large amount of fencing in a large country house.
The estate manager got them all together so that he could study their bids.
The first one took out his tape and measured how much fencing would be needed.
He then produced a notebook and pencil and proceeded to do some calculations before turning to the estate manager and telling him, “I reckon that with the materials and labour, I can do it for £900.”
The second contractor did much the same as the first one and after a while he said, “My estimate for the job, including materials and labour, would be £800 all in.”
The estate manager looked at the third contractor and asked him what his estimate would be.
The man didn’t move at all, but said to the manager, “£2800.”
“£2800?” said the manager, “but you haven’t even bothered to measure up. How did you arrive at that figure?”
The man took the manager’s arm and walked him a few paces away from the other contractors and said to him quietly, “That’s a thousand for me, a thousand for you, and you get the second bloke to do the fencing.”
“Done,” said the manager.
Two guys were hiking in the mountains
Two old retired men are sitting on the bench
3.
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking.
We went to a motel, where I had making love with each of them three times.”
Priest: “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins? ”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old … I’m telling everybody.”
There were Two Nuns
A couple went to a bang therapists office
4.
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.
The shopping center was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.
In a subdued voice he replied,
“Do you remember that jewellery store we went into a couple of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I promised that I would buy it for you one day?”
Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,
“Yes, of course I remember that shop.”
“Well, I’m in the pub next door to there.”
Two elderly people living in a Florida
A guy walks into a drug store
5.
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
A local bar was so sure that its barman was the strongest man in the Village that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The barman would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out and challenge any man to squeeze out another drop.
Weightlifters, arm wrestlers, they all tried and lost the bet.
Then one day, a scrawny wee man, if he stood sideways you would not see him wearing scratched glasses, a ten-year-old polyester suit, walked in and said, “I’d like to take on the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the barman said, “Okay,” grabbed the lemon and squeezed away.
Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the lemon rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the wee man clenched his little fist around the lemon and squeezed it, and a drop fell into the glass.
Then he squeezed some more, and another drop fell from the lemon.
Without a word, the wee man squeezed some more, and a third drop fell into the glass.
The crowd in the bar were astonished and speechless.
As the barman paid the £1000 bet, he asked, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a metal worker, a weight-lifter, or what?”
The little man quietly replied: “I’m a tax collector.”
Two men died and went to Heaven
A elderly man goes into confession
6.
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi.
A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.
Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.
“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
A employee approached his boss
A man gathered all of his children
Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi.
A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way.
Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder.
“AHHHH HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder.
“What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken.
“I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”
A employee approached his boss
A man gathered all of his children
7.
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
A young man and woman got married.
At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet.
Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances.
Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.
One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital.
As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon.
The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side.
“Well” she said, “I suppose now would be the right time.”
The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.
On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars!
“Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll,” said the wife.
The husband was thrilled and thankful.
He absolutely couldn’t believe his wife had only been mad at him two times!
“That is amazing!” said the husband to his wife.
“Honey, I’m grateful beyond belief you’ve only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?”
“Oh, honey” said the wife, “That’s the money I got from selling the dolls.”
A couple is on their honeymoon
A woman was nagging her husband
8.
On New Year’s Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
They were stopped by the police
The Social Security Office
On New Year’s Eve, a woman stood up at a local pub and said it was time to get ready for the midnight countdown.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to stand next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck midnight, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
They were stopped by the police
The Social Security Office
9.
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.
The wife asks, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” sighs the husband, “she’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” says the wife. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
The new wife tells her husband
10.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheelchair?”
Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad
The man gets up and goes to door
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk.
So the bartender says to another man in the bar: “Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door: “Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheelchair?”
Johnny spends a rare weekend with his dad
The man gets up and goes to door
11.
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
This is said to be a favorite story of Lyndon Johnson’s.
A preacher was becoming terribly distracted by a man who came to church every Sunday and slept through the entire sermon.
One Sunday the preacher decided to do something about it.
As he began to preach, the man, true to form, fell fast asleep.
Whereupon the preacher said quietly, “Everyone who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
The entire congregation immediately stood up, except the sleeping man.
When they sat down, the preacher shouted at the top of his voice, “Everyone who want to go to hell, stand up.”
This startled the dozing man.
Still half asleep, he jumped up, looked around to see what was going on, then said to the preacher.
“I don’t know what we’re voting on but it looks like you and I are the only ones in favor of it.”
Drunken Lady
A judge was interviewing a woman
12.
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A school teacher asked her students
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it.
She would stand on her front porch and shout, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, “There ain’t no Lord!”
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance.
She stood on her porch and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries.”
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, “HA…HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn’t!”
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, “PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!”
This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates
A school teacher asked her students
13.
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and asked, “Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?”
The man said, “Well officer I don’t have a license, it was taken away for a DUI.”
The officer, in surprise, said,” What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?”
So the man replied, “No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I saw a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it.”
The officer stepped back, “There is a gun in the glove box?!?”
The man sighed and said, “Yes sir, I used it to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk.”
The officer steps toward the back of the car and says, “Sir do not move, I am calling for backup.”
The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives.
He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration.
The man said, “Yes officer here it’s right here.”
It all checked out so the officer said, “Is there a gun in the glove box sir?”
The man laughs and says, “No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box.”
He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun.
The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it.
The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body.
The second officer says, “Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk.”
The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, “Yeah and I’ll bet he said I was speeding too.”
The doctor tells his patient
The mother asks little Johnny
14.
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” the judge said.
“Well, Your Honor,” Dan started, “every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.
“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
Dan married one of a pair of identical twins.
Less then a year later he was in court filing for divorce.
“Tell the court why you want a divorce,” the judge said.
“Well, Your Honor,” Dan started, “every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are identical twins, sometimes I’d end up love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women,” the judge said.
“Exactly, Your Honor. That’s why I want the divorce.”
A husband woke up his wife and asked her
A police car pulled up in front of grandma
15.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received in the mail two tickets for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor, but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater, and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets: “Now you know!”
A man and woman were having marriage problems
A young honeymoon couple were touring
16.
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies, “Ear sticky.”
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
A old lady headed to church late
A hunter went out to hunt for buffalo.
To help him, he hired an Indian Scout.
The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo.
After riding a while, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says “Humm, buffalo come.”
The soldier scans the area with his binoculars but sees nothing.
He is confused and says to the Indian, “I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come?”
The Indian replies, “Ear sticky.”
A man sees his wife packing a suitcase
A old lady headed to church late
17.
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
An old man accidentally crashed his car into a very expensive automobile.
The owner of the expensive automobile jumps out and confronts the old man and says
“Give me $10,000 cash or I will beat you to a pulp!”
The old man replies, “Woah, wait buddy, I don’t have that much money but let me call my son, he trains dolphins.”
The old man dials his son and as he is about to speak, the owner of the expensive car yanks the phone out of his hand and says,
“So you train dolphins, well your old man just hit and damaged my car, you bring me $10,000 or I’m gonna beat the heck outta him!”
The son answers “Okay, give me 15 minutes and I’ll be there.”
In exactly 15 minutes the son pulls up in a Jeep, Ten men jump out and beat the hell out of the expensive car owner.
Meanwhile the son walks over to his father and says, “Dad I train Navy Seals not Dolphins.”
Two men are working on a telephone pole
A old man was in the hospital
18.
An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him.
They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food.
Another spits in the truck driver’s milk.
The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground.
So old man gets up and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?”
one of the bikers says to the waitress.
“Not much of a truck driver either” she says.
“He just backed his truck over three motorcycles”
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A magical genie lamp
An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him.
They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food.
Another spits in the truck driver’s milk.
The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground.
So old man gets up and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?”
one of the bikers says to the waitress.
“Not much of a truck driver either” she says.
“He just backed his truck over three motorcycles”
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A magical genie lamp
19.
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
“If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?”
“I’d have to say the living one.”
Quasimodo goes to a doctor
This guy walks into a bar
20.
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attached to her eye.
He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.
The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.
This carries on for a while and the bartender eventually decides to tell her to stop.
“Excuse me ma’am, i would appreciate it if you did not hit your son.”
“He is NOT my son! He is my husband!”
The young man notices the quizzical look on the bartenders face and explains.
“I am actually much older than i look. A few days ago, i found a Genie who offered me two wishes. Being an elderly man, my first wish was to look and act much younger.”
The bartender says “Wow, that’s incredible, you don’t look a day over 25! So why does your wife have a phone attached to her eye?”
“Well, since I had wished to look and act much younger, I had a sudden urge to go on the internet, but I had no phone or internet connection. My second wish was to have a mobile phone with permanent wife-eye connection!”
A American girl was visiting England
A firefighter is working on the engine
A young man enters a bar with an elderly woman with a phone attached to her eye.
He goes to the bartender and orders his drink, and sits down with the elderly woman.
The bar tender notices that whenever the young man starts looking at another girl the older woman slaps him across the face, and the bar tender assumes she is an overprotective mother.
This carries on for a while and the bartender eventually decides to tell her to stop.
“Excuse me ma’am, i would appreciate it if you did not hit your son.”
“He is NOT my son! He is my husband!”
The young man notices the quizzical look on the bartenders face and explains.
“I am actually much older than i look. A few days ago, i found a Genie who offered me two wishes. Being an elderly man, my first wish was to look and act much younger.”
The bartender says “Wow, that’s incredible, you don’t look a day over 25! So why does your wife have a phone attached to her eye?”
“Well, since I had wished to look and act much younger, I had a sudden urge to go on the internet, but I had no phone or internet connection. My second wish was to have a mobile phone with permanent wife-eye connection!”
A American girl was visiting England
A firefighter is working on the engine
21.
A man is working in a weapon store, when a brunette walks in.
She asks him how much for the black weapon?
He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one.
She leaves without purchasing anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white weapon?
He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn’t buy anything.
A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a weapon?
He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.
She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him?
He says oh that’s a very special one, that’s $250. She buys it.
At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold.
The man said no weapon but i sold your thermos for $250.
A young woman was stung by bee in golf ground
A young couple with a box
A man is working in a weapon store, when a brunette walks in.
She asks him how much for the black weapon?
He replies $50 for the black one, $50 for the white one.
She leaves without purchasing anything.
A red head walks in and asks him how much for the white weapon?
He replies $50 for the white one, $50 for the black one. she doesn’t buy anything.
A blonde enters the store and asks him how much for a weapon?
He answers $50 for a black one, $50 for a white one.
She asks how much for the plaid one on the shelf behind him?
He says oh that’s a very special one, that’s $250. She buys it.
At closing, the manager walk in and asks the man how much he sold.
The man said no weapon but i sold your thermos for $250.
A young woman was stung by bee in golf ground
A young couple with a box
22.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns.
The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it.
He asked for two more buns, and after eating them again, the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”.
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
A man was sitting at a bar enjoying
A shepherd used to take his herd of sheep
23.
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
When I was interned in Dr
Eiras Hospital, I began to have panic crises.
One day, I decided to consult the psychiatrist in charge of my case;
“Doctor, I am overcome by fear; it takes from me the joy of living.”
“Here in my office there is a mouse that eats my books”, said the doctor.
“If I get desperate about this mouse, he will hide from me and I will do nothing else in life but hunt him.
Therefore, I put the most important books in a safe place and let him gnaw some others.
In this way, he is still a mouse and does not become a monster.
“Be afraid of some things and concentrate all your fear on them – so that you have courage in the rest.”
A State Trooper sees a car puttering
The Infuriated Atheist Neighbor
24.
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
A little girl and her mother are at church when the little girl starts to feel sick.
Her mother tells her to go throw up in the bushes behind the church.
When the little girl returns, her mother asks her if she threw up.
“Yes,” the girl says. “But I didn’t have to go all the way around the back.
There was a box near the front door that said ‘For the Sick.'”
Little Pianist
A 97-Year-Old Man Comes To His Doctor
25.
So I wake up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in her mouth.
The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty.
I know my neighbors raise and care for rabbits so immediately picked the rabbit up and brought it to my sink quickly before my neighbors came home and cleaned it off.
It was stiff and not moving but I know some animals play dead when they are scared I just did not know which ones.
I put the clean rabbit back in my neighbors rabbit cage with the rest of them and went back inside my house.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and asked them what’s wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died 3 days ago and they buried it but now it’s back in there cage
Blowing Bubbles
This woman’s husband had been slipping
So I wake up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in her mouth.
The rabbit’s not bloody, just dirty.
I know my neighbors raise and care for rabbits so immediately picked the rabbit up and brought it to my sink quickly before my neighbors came home and cleaned it off.
It was stiff and not moving but I know some animals play dead when they are scared I just did not know which ones.
I put the clean rabbit back in my neighbors rabbit cage with the rest of them and went back inside my house.
Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and asked them what’s wrong?
They tell me their rabbit died 3 days ago and they buried it but now it’s back in there cage
Blowing Bubbles
This woman’s husband had been slipping
26.
A man stands before St. Peter
St. Peter says “You are in luck today!
All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!”
The man says, “Boy, do I have a story for you!
I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar.
There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman.
Immediately, I jumped in the pile!
I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out.
After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing.
Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out!
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says,”
Wow! You certainly weren’t lying about having a great story!
For my records, tell me when this happened! ”
The man hung his head and said, ” About 5 minutes ago. “
A man walks past a beggar every day
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
A man stands before St. Peter
St. Peter says “You are in luck today!
All you need to do to enter into heaven is to tell me of one unselfish deed you have done!”
The man says, “Boy, do I have a story for you!
I was walking home from work and came to my usual shortcut, an alley behind a bar.
There I saw a gang of five bikers, assaulting a woman.
Immediately, I jumped in the pile!
I grabbed the biggest of them all by the beard and pulled him out.
After that, it was all a blur, i was scratching and clawing.
Throwing kicks and punches. I even pulled one bikers nose ring out!
St. Peter, very impressed with the story says,”
Wow! You certainly weren’t lying about having a great story!
For my records, tell me when this happened! ”
The man hung his head and said, ” About 5 minutes ago. “
A man walks past a beggar every day
A man goes to heaven and is greeted by an angel
27.
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
A work-related accident claim
One night four college students
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
A work-related accident claim
One night four college students
28.
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
Three old men Bert, Arnie and Harry was sitting on a park bench debating what the meanest animal in the world was.
Bert said: “The meanest animal in the world is the hippopotamus because it’s got such huge jaws. One bite and you’re gone!”
Arnie shook his head and said: “No, the hippopotamus may be mean but he’s a private compared to an alligator.”
“An alligator’s got attitude, and one bite from those teeth, followed by the death roll, and you’re gone!”
Harry thought for a moment before saying: “As a matter of fact, you’re both wrong. The meanest animal in the world is a hippogator.”
Bert and Arnie laughed. “What the hell’s a hippogator?” they asked,
“There’s no such creature.”
“A hippogator”, explained Harry, “has got a hippo head on one end and an alligator head on the other.”
“Wait a minute!” interrupted Bert and Arnie.
“If he has a head-on both ends, how does he sh!t?”
“He doesn’t,” said Harry.
“That’s what makes him so mean.”
Three Old Men Were Sitting On A Park Bench.
A husband and wife were grocery shopping
One evening a man was watching TV
29.
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
30.
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”
Kurt answered, “I hunt unicorns.”
Paul was startled, but said, “Really? How do you do that?”
Kurt replied, “I find a pure and hire her to help me.
The pure sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”
Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”
Kurt said, “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!”
Three elderly gentlemen were talking
Three women were sitting around
Tags:
eng jokes