1.
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, “Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way.
I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff.
The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death.
“I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens.”
Sam continued, “I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head.”
There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, “Who is Mary?”
A couple was going out
A wife come home from a shopping
2.
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, “I was cleaning the Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!”
“What did you do?” the other nuns asked.
“Well, of course I threw them in the trash.”
The second nun said, “Well, I can top that, I was in Father’s room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of protection!”
“Oh my!” gasped the other nuns.
“What did you do?” they asked.
“I poked h*les in all of them,” she replied.
The third nun said, “Oh shit!”
The doctor entered the room and advised
Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher
3.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
4.
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application.
The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held.
“I must say,” says the executive, “your work history is terrible. You’ve been fired from every job.”
“Yes” says the man.
“Well,” continues the executive, “there’s not much positive in that.”
“Hey!” says the guy as he pokes the application.
“At least I’m not a quitter.”
A plumber was called to a woman apartment
A couple had been married for 45 years
5.
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.
He stayed like that for half an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down.
The poor man started weeping bitterly.
The truck driver said, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just that this day is the worst of my life…
“First, I fall asleep, and I get to my office late. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building, and head towards my car, I find out it was stolen.”
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar.
And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A science teacher asked her students
Two women go out one Saturday night
6.
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
Shortly after British Airways 293 flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain.
Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heath row to Toronto.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So sit back, relax and OH, MY GOD!
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you.
While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap.
You should see the front of my pants!’
One passenger yelled, ‘For God’s sake, you should see the back of mine!’
A elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank
A man from Texas is vacationing in Mexico
7.
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor who was examining him.
“Chain saw accident,” the man replied.
“Well, you’re lucky,” the doctor said; “I’ve seen worse.”
“It wasn’t turned on,” the man replied.
Louisa asked her small brother
I just won the lottery
A man came to the emergency room with a series of long, jagged tear marks on his cheek and neck, as though he had been clawed by some large animal.
“What happened to you?” asked the doctor who was examining him.
“Chain saw accident,” the man replied.
“Well, you’re lucky,” the doctor said; “I’ve seen worse.”
“It wasn’t turned on,” the man replied.
Louisa asked her small brother
I just won the lottery
8.
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.
She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her.
The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in to check whether everything was ready.
A young man wearing a white coat approached her, lifted the sheet up and started examining her undressed body.
He put the sheet back and then walked away and talked to another man in a white coat.
A second man came over, lifted the sheet and performed the same examinations.
When a third man did the same thing, yet even more carefully, she began to grow impatient and blurted out:
“All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?”
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: “I have no idea. We’re just painting the corridor.”
A kid says to his mother
A priest walked into a barber shop
9.
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
The doctor came out and said
Two women were playing golf
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open.
Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”
The doctor came out and said
Two women were playing golf
10.
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry.
Patient: (starts crying).
Dr: Now, now I know you’re upset but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big fronts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes.
Dr: You know the one that’s always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes what about her?
Dr: I finally had make love with her last night.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
A man walks into a butcher shop
A doctor just finishes his check-up with a man.
Dr: I’ve got good new and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?
Patient: I guess the bad news.
Dr: Well, you only have about 3 months to live and there’s nothing else we can do. I’m sorry.
Patient: (starts crying).
Dr: Now, now I know you’re upset but remember, I also said there was good news.
Patient: Yes, I need some good news what is it?
Dr: Well, you know my nurse, Donna.
Patient: (cheering up) Yes?
Dr: You know, the one with the big fronts?
Patient: (more excited) Yes, yes.
Dr: You know the one that’s always flirting with you every time you come in for a checkup?
Patient: (very excited) Yes, yes what about her?
Dr: I finally had make love with her last night.
A salesman was trying to talk a farmer
A man walks into a butcher shop
11.
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
Three men pass away on Christmas Day and arrive at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter greets them and says, “You’re all sinners who should be sent to hell, but since it’s Christmas, I’ll give you a chance to enter heaven if you have something that represents the holiday.”
The first man pulls out a Christmas ornament and is allowed in.
The second man points to some pine needles stuck to his shirt and is also admitted.
The third man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a pair of panties.
Peter, puzzled, asks, “How do those represent Christmas?”
The man grins and replies, “These are Carol’s.”
A watermelon farmer was determined
A special Christmas gift
12.
Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking
Two roosters fought for supremacy in the farmyard.
Finally one was vanquished and he went and hid himself in a corner of the hen-house.
The victor flew up to the roof of the barn and begin to crow,
“I’ve won, I’ve won!”
An eagle swooped down and carried him away and the rooster that had been defeated suddenly found himself unchallenged master of the farmyard.
Moral Of The Story: The enemy is often defeated by his own pride.
A guy driving a Yugo
The cruise ship was sinking
13.
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
“Susie asks, “Mommy, why do you always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it. You’ll have to ask her.”
“Granny”, asks Susie the next time her grandmother visits.
“Why do you and mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh, that’s just the way my mother always did it.”
“You’ll have to ask her.”
“Great Granny”, asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile grandmother in the nursing home.
“Why do you, Granny and Mommy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the skillet?”
“Oh for frick sake”, yells Great Granny.
“Are they still using that small goddamn frying pan??!!”
A man and his wife arrive from trip
A elderly husband and wife noticed
14.
A farm labourer with a sick wife, asked a Buddhist monk to say a series of prayers.
The priest began to pray, asking God to cure all those who were ill “Just a moment,” said the farm labourer.
“I asked you to pray for my wife and there you are praying for everyone who’s ill.”
“I’m praying for her too.”
“Yes, but you’re praying for everyone you might end up helping my neighbour, who’s also ill, and I don’t even like him.”
“You understand nothing about healing,” said the monk, moving off.
“By praying for everyone, I am adding my prayers to those of the millions of people who are also praying for their sick.”
“Added together, those voices reach God and benefit everyone separately, they lose their strength and go nowhere.”
The Bartender Is Impressed
She called in a repairman
A farm labourer with a sick wife, asked a Buddhist monk to say a series of prayers.
The priest began to pray, asking God to cure all those who were ill “Just a moment,” said the farm labourer.
“I asked you to pray for my wife and there you are praying for everyone who’s ill.”
“I’m praying for her too.”
“Yes, but you’re praying for everyone you might end up helping my neighbour, who’s also ill, and I don’t even like him.”
“You understand nothing about healing,” said the monk, moving off.
“By praying for everyone, I am adding my prayers to those of the millions of people who are also praying for their sick.”
“Added together, those voices reach God and benefit everyone separately, they lose their strength and go nowhere.”
The Bartender Is Impressed
She called in a repairman
15.
An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him.
They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food.
Another spits in the truck driver’s milk.
The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground.
So old man gets up and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?”
one of the bikers says to the waitress.
“Not much of a truck driver either” she says.
“He just backed his truck over three motorcycles”
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A magical genie lamp
An old man is eating his lunch in a restaurant when three bikers walk up to him.
They make fun of him for being old, and then one of them stubs his cigarette into the truck driver’s food.
Another spits in the truck driver’s milk.
The last one smashes the truck driver’s food on the ground.
So old man gets up and leaves.
“Not much of a man, was he?”
one of the bikers says to the waitress.
“Not much of a truck driver either” she says.
“He just backed his truck over three motorcycles”
Three old ladies Gertrude, Maude and Tilly
A magical genie lamp
16.
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together.
After the man received the full treatment shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. he placed the boy in the chair.
“I’m going’ to buy a green tie to wear for the parade,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
When the boy’s haircut was completed and the man still hadn’t returned, the barber said,
“Looks like your daddy’s forgotten all about you.”
“That wasn’t my daddy,” said the boy.
“He just walked up, took me by the hand and said,
‘Come on, son, we’re gonna get a free haircut!’”
A older man with several complaints saw a physician
A woman wearing a real tight dress
17.
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns
“Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No
I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods.
If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the third day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh fruit?”
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager, “Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns
“Got any fresh fruit?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh vegetables?”
“No
I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods.
If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the third day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?”
“No.”
“Got any fresh fruit?”
A long day of golf with his golf buddies
Some tourists in the Chicago Museum
18.
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
However, they all fail to notice the stop signs, and all crash into each other at an intersection.
They all arrive at the Pearly Gates where St.Peter is waiting for them.
St.Peter asks, “So, what’s your story?”
The first of the three men replies, “Well, I think I just died in a car crash.”
St.Peter nods and asks, “And what car did you drive on Earth?”
“A Pontiac Fire bird,” answers the mortal.
“Oh, I see
Well, unfortunately that means you’re going to hell, son.”
The second man walks up and gets asked the same question.
The second man looks slightly worried as he replies, “I drove a Ford Mondeo.”
“Sorry, going down,” St.Peter says.
The third man steps forwards gingerly.
“So,” asks St.Peter “What sort of car did you drive?”
“Er, a Land Rover,” comes the shaky reply.
“Well then, welcome to Heaven, son!” says St.Peter.
The Land Rover driver is slightly confused, and says, “I thought I was in trouble there
What gives?”
St.Peter smiles and says, “Son, you’ve already been through Hell.”
A certain Rabbi
A very large gorilla
19.
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last.
“Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim.
“Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”
“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand,
“I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
A terrible motorcycle accident
A lady was walking down the street
Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last.
“Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim.
“Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?”
“Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.”
“You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand,
“I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”
A terrible motorcycle accident
A lady was walking down the street
20.
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking:
Who wants this dollar bill?
Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do.
He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill?
The hands continued raised and what if I do this?
He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled.
He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high.
You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill.
“Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”
A young man from the city
The Lion & Mouse
21.
She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes.
As she’s walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to ignore it and keeps on walking.
A few moments later she runs into another nun who says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
By the end of the hallway and after 5 more encounters the nun is FURIOUS, and marches straight to the head sister’s office and throws the door open.
The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts, “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT’S ALL I’VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I’M FED UP WITH IT!”
The head nun, stunned, says calmly, “I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask why are you wearing the bishop’s slippers?”
The Hunter And A Bear
A guy asked a girl in the library
She gets out of bed and puts on her shoes.
As she’s walking down the hallway to the convent kitchen, another nun looks at her, smiles and says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
She thought this was a bit odd, but decides to ignore it and keeps on walking.
A few moments later she runs into another nun who says, “Someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!”
By the end of the hallway and after 5 more encounters the nun is FURIOUS, and marches straight to the head sister’s office and throws the door open.
The head nun goes to speak, when the other shouts, “DON’T YOU DARE TELL ME I GOT UP ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED THIS MORNING! IT’S ALL I’VE HEARD THIS MORNING AND I’M FED UP WITH IT!”
The head nun, stunned, says calmly, “I was going to say nothing of the sort! I was merely going to ask why are you wearing the bishop’s slippers?”
The Hunter And A Bear
A guy asked a girl in the library
22.
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north.
The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn; the wife preferred to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap.
The wife decided to take the boat out.
She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book.
Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
“Good morning, Ma’am what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies as she thinks to herself, “Is he guy blind or what?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But, Officer, I’m not fishing can’t you see that?”
“But you have all this equipment, Ma’am I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that I will charge you with rape,” snaps the irate woman.
“I didn’t even touch you,” grouses the Game Warden.
“Yes, that’s true but you have all the equipment.
Mother-in-law
Husband in bed with a young
23.
Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession.
This is a hilarious example of exactly that.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be in IT”, says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “you must be a manager”.
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Two old men Abe and Sol
Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession.
This is a hilarious example of exactly that.
He reduces height and spots a man down below.
He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”
The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”
“You must be in IT”, says the balloonist.
“I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”
The man below says, “you must be a manager”.
“I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help.
You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”
The three wishes by the Fairy mother
Two old men Abe and Sol
24.
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.”
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A old man and his wife are in bed
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.”
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.”
“Don’t burden him with chores. Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Do not nag him. Most importantly, make love to him regularly.”
“If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“He said you’re going to die,” she replied.
A husband and a wife sit at the table
A old man and his wife are in bed
25.
After intense partying with their friends, brother and sister got back home late at night…
Dad yells, ‘It’s two days to the exams and where on earth have you both been?
Why weren’t you answering your phones?’
Daughter: I have been studying for the exams all day with my friends and had my cellphone on silent to beat the distractions.
I was so exhausted that I slept on the couch and it was late when I woke up.
Dad instantly calls her friend and asks if she has seen his daughter that day.
She is drunk and high and unwittingly tells the truth. The daughter is grounded.
Now, it’s the son’s turn. He repeats the same story.
Dad immediately calls his son’s friend and asks if he has seen his son that day.
The friend is drunk and high but realizes what’s happening and says ‘Yep, he has been studying for the exams with us all day.
Poor chap, he even slept on the couch.
He was quite exhausted, do you still want me to wake him up now?’
Three men are walking in the desert
A man applies for a job with the FBI
After intense partying with their friends, brother and sister got back home late at night…
Dad yells, ‘It’s two days to the exams and where on earth have you both been?
Why weren’t you answering your phones?’
Daughter: I have been studying for the exams all day with my friends and had my cellphone on silent to beat the distractions.
I was so exhausted that I slept on the couch and it was late when I woke up.
Dad instantly calls her friend and asks if she has seen his daughter that day.
She is drunk and high and unwittingly tells the truth. The daughter is grounded.
Now, it’s the son’s turn. He repeats the same story.
Dad immediately calls his son’s friend and asks if he has seen his son that day.
The friend is drunk and high but realizes what’s happening and says ‘Yep, he has been studying for the exams with us all day.
Poor chap, he even slept on the couch.
He was quite exhausted, do you still want me to wake him up now?’
Three men are walking in the desert
A man applies for a job with the FBI
26.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
27.
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
28.
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game.
She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.
No one raises his/her hand.
The teacher says “See it’s long neck? What animal has a long neck?”
Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe.
“Very good Sally,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up his/her hands.
“See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?”
Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra.
“Very good Billy,” the teacher replies.
Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.
“See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?”
Still no one guesses. “Let me give you another hint, it’s something your mother calls your father.”
Johnny shouts out “I know what it is, it’s a h**rny b*sta*d.”
I need your help
A man had been drinking
29.
Three women were sitting in a bar, burnette, redhead, and a blonde they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, “I know what I’m going to have.”
The other to asked how.
She replied, “Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy”.
The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.
A panel of doctors
Gifts to grandpa
Three women were sitting in a bar, burnette, redhead, and a blonde they were all pregnant.
The burnette says, “I know what I’m going to have.”
The other to asked how.
She replied, “Well I was on top when I concieved so I will have a baby boy”.
The red head said, “If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I concieved.
The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”.
A panel of doctors
Gifts to grandpa
30.
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect.
Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss”.
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said.
“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”
A teacher reprimanded the teenager
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover
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