1.
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
Two lawyers are having a drink after work.
“The most amazing thing happened to me last night,” said the first one.
“I was working, and suddenly the devil was standing before me, right there in my office!
He told me that in exchange for my soul, I could become a United States senator!”
“Great!” says his friend.
“But what’s the catch?”
A man goes to a female dentist
Three guys are in a doctor`s office
2.
A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A mother took her little boy to church
A mother and a baby camel were talking
A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.
“Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice,
“I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood.
The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.
They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.”
“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife “May I ask who you are?”
The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes
“I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.
A mother took her little boy to church
A mother and a baby camel were talking
3.
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.
He is obviously drunk
So the bartender says to another man in the bar:
“Why don’t you be a good Samaritan and take him home.”
The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times.
They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.
He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.
The drunk’s wife greets them at the door:
“Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where’s his wheel chair?”
Man And Ostrich
The rule of a king
4.
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
An elderly couple was driving across the country.
While the woman was behind the wheel, the couple was pulled over by the highway patrol.
“Ma’am, did you know you were speeding?” the officer said.
The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
“He said you were speeding!” the old man yelled.
The patrolman then asked, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband again, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled back, “He wants to see your license!”
The woman then gave the officer her license.
“I see you are from Arkansas,” the patrolman said.
“I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband again and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man replied, “He said he knows you!”
Two women were playing golf
A Elderly Cowboy Slim Joe
5.
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
A lost dog strays into a jungle.
A lion sees this from a distance and says to himself with caution, “This guy looks edible, never seen his kind before.”
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.
The dog notices and starts to panic but as he’s about tocrun he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea.
He says loudly, “Mmm…that was delicious lion meat!”
The lion abruptly stops and says “Woah! This guy must be tougher then he looks…I better leave while I can.”
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything.
Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return.
So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily, “Get on my back, we’ll go get him together.”
So they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more.
He then gets another idea and shouts, “Where the hell is that monkey?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!!”
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A old hunter was on his way back
6.
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
A couple is throwing a dinner party and the husband who is very thin and bony is walking around the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says,
“Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on.”
“Oh no, I won’t,” he says.
“I want everybody to see how you feed your husband…”
“Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there’s nothing that I should feed you for.”
A woman entered the pharmacy
A Football team was on the field
7.
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
A man applies for a job with the FBI.
The interviewer says: “Everything looks good, we just have one test to prove that you’ll take on any task we ask of you.”
He hands the man a semi-automatic handgun.
“Through that door, your wife is tied to a chair.
I need you to go in there and shoot her in the back of the head.”
Reluctantly, the man goes in and closes the door. A few moments later, he comes back.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t do it.” he says and they let him and his wife leave.
A woman applies for the same job and is told the same thing.
Her husband is tied to a chair in the next room.
She gets up and walks through the door.
The interviewer hears several gunshots and the some heavy grunting from the woman. She comes out of the room, covered in blood.
“This gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with it!”
After intense partying with their friends
A young recruit goes to the military office
8.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
9.
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
Two men are drinking in a bar.
One turns to the other and says, “I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye.”
The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he’s had about enough, so he replies, “OK, you’re on.”
The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
So the second man has to pay.
Awhile later the first man says, “I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye.”
The second man thinks, well, he can’t have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see.
So he says, “All right, you’re on.”
The first man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
A old lady and old man were sitting on their porch
A speeding driver was pulled over
10.
A rather virtuous young couple marry.
The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon.
After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.
The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch.
The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the newly deflowered woman for details.
“Well,” she finally admits, “It was nice enough, once I got over my embarrassment.”
“Embarrassed to see your whole man for the first time?” The older girl teases.
The bride swiftly shakes her head. “No, it’s just that we were stopped by security at the border, and they unpacked my whole bag in front of everyone.”
The other girls agree that this would be embarrassing.
“Well, then the protections from my bag fell onto the ground,” she whispered.
The older girl spoke for them all, “Bless your heart! That would be awful.”
“That’s not the worst of it,” the girl continued.
“After that, my husband got upset, and the security decided he was that he was being aggressive, took him into custody, and strip searched him!”
The other ladies looked stricken. Finally, one hugged the bride amongst murmers of “You poor thing!” “That would be mortifying!” and one or two more “Bless your heart!”s.
The girl nodded her thanks for the support, then continued “and thats when we got to the embarrassing bit.
The border guys were polite through the whole thing, and kept apologizing during the strip search.
But Aaron kept shouting “I’ll sue for that slander! Don’t you listen to them, Honey!”
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
A rather virtuous young couple marry.
The soon-to-be lovers fly immediately after the ceremony to Toronto for their Honeymoon.
After a wet (or at least slightly damp) week on the Canadian side of the Falls, the couple returns and settles into their new life.
The following Saturday, the young bride meets her friends for lunch.
The self- appointed mature one of the lot, a lady married a full two years prior, presses the newly deflowered woman for details.
“Well,” she finally admits, “It was nice enough, once I got over my embarrassment.”
“Embarrassed to see your whole man for the first time?” The older girl teases.
The bride swiftly shakes her head. “No, it’s just that we were stopped by security at the border, and they unpacked my whole bag in front of everyone.”
The other girls agree that this would be embarrassing.
“Well, then the protections from my bag fell onto the ground,” she whispered.
The older girl spoke for them all, “Bless your heart! That would be awful.”
“That’s not the worst of it,” the girl continued.
“After that, my husband got upset, and the security decided he was that he was being aggressive, took him into custody, and strip searched him!”
The other ladies looked stricken. Finally, one hugged the bride amongst murmers of “You poor thing!” “That would be mortifying!” and one or two more “Bless your heart!”s.
The girl nodded her thanks for the support, then continued “and thats when we got to the embarrassing bit.
The border guys were polite through the whole thing, and kept apologizing during the strip search.
But Aaron kept shouting “I’ll sue for that slander! Don’t you listen to them, Honey!”
A Texas State trooper pulled a car
Two immigrants are on a ship heading to America
11.
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then,” he said with a deep sigh, “let’s put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
Three nuns passed every day through a street
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse
12.
A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.
“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.
His mother asked, “What was the question?”
“Where’s Portugal.”
“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”
She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal.
Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal.
She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.
“I swear Portugal can’t be far.
The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”
My wife told me to go to the doctors
A elderly gentleman was on his deathbed
A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.
“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.
His mother asked, “What was the question?”
“Where’s Portugal.”
“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”
She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal.
Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal.
She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.
“I swear Portugal can’t be far.
The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”
My wife told me to go to the doctors
A elderly gentleman was on his deathbed
13.
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
A young man was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor, when someone came by and shouted: “Laloo, your daughter Sweety is badly injured in accident!”
Not knowing what to do, the young man jumped out of his office window in a panic.
While coming down when he was at tenth floor, he remembered he had no daughter named Sweety.
When he was near the fifth floor he remembered he was not married.
When he was about to hit the ground he remembered he was not Laloo.
I just won the lottery
The teacher asks to her student
14.
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
A young blonde lady went on a tour trip on an old steam train that took the passengers through mountains and tunnels.
As the train approached a tunnel, the conductor hurriedly walked through the coaches warning passengers,
“Tunnel ahead. Look out!”
The blonde quickly stuck her head out the window, and her forehead met with the concrete entrance of the tunnel.
After being revived 15 minutes later, the blonde’s words were, “That stupid son of a b!tch he should have told me to look in!”
John goes to the deli for some soup
A Guy walks into a bar and goes up bartender
15.
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
“Now what about the butler?” the rich woman said.
“A set of wine glasses?” the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. “He doesn’t really need that.
A butler never entertains.
He’ll get a tie.”
The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?”
The woman frowned again.
“She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble.
We’ll get her another apron.”
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.
“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?” the maid replied.
“Of course,” the woman replied.
“Then how about five more inches?
Cop knocks on the window
A young woman was stung by bee in golf ground
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
“Now what about the butler?” the rich woman said.
“A set of wine glasses?” the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. “He doesn’t really need that.
A butler never entertains.
He’ll get a tie.”
The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?”
The woman frowned again.
“She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble.
We’ll get her another apron.”
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.
“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?” the maid replied.
“Of course,” the woman replied.
“Then how about five more inches?
Cop knocks on the window
A young woman was stung by bee in golf ground
16.
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor
The Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit.
He asked the driver her name.
She said, “I’m Mrs. Ladislav from the Republic of Uzbekistan visiting my daughter in Tallahassee.”
The cop put away his summons book and pen, and said, “Well… OK… but don’t let me catch you speeding again.”
Frank always looked on the bright side
A young blonde visiting her doctor
17.
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Bob asks his mom
A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.
After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn’t dressed for church.
“Why aren’t you dressed for church?”
“Simple. I’m not going.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why I’m not going.
First of all, the church is cold in the morning.
It’s just cold. Second, no one there likes me.
Everyone is always talking about me behind my back.
And third, most important of all, I just don’t feel like going!”
“Well, I’ll give you three pretty good reasons why you ARE going.
First of all, the church isn’t cold in the morning; it’s warm.
Second, I think, or I’m pretty sure, that there are some people there who do like you, and third you’re the minister, so get dressed.”
A elderly couple visits a doctor
Bob asks his mom
18.
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
“When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After buying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.
I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left.
She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The telegraph operator shakes his head.
“How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it slow.”
A man comes to his doctor and tells
A old man is in the surgery
19.
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other.
The groom’s best friend takes him aside and asks what’s wrong.
“Well,” replies the man, “when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”
“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” says his friend.
“I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years.”
“That’s not the problem, ” the groom says.
“She gave me $20 change!”
A Little Boy Goes To His Father And Asks
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
20.
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
A man and a woman were fast asleep in bed.
Suddenly, at 4 o’clock in the morning, a resounding noise came from outside.
The woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man:
“Oh No! That must be my husband!
The man quickly got out of bed, panicked and undressed.
He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed on the ground, picked himself up and went straight through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run as fast as he could to his car…
A few minutes later the door opened and the man was standing at it, panting hard, with dirt and scratches all over him.
He yelled: “I’m your husband, you mad cow!”
And the woman answered:
“Oh, yeah? And why were you running, you bastard?!?”
A couple were having problems remembering things
A Indian boy goes to his mother
21.
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
22.
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it’s clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day.
One day Mike says, “Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years.
Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s football there.”
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed, “Mike, you’ve been my best friend for many years.
If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favour for you.
Shortly after that, Joe passes away.
A couple of nights later, at midnight, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, “Mike–Mike.”
“Who is it ?” asks Mike sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Mike–it’s me, Joe.”
“You’re not Joe. Joe just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Joe,” insists the voice.”
“Joe! Where are you?”
“In heaven”, replies Joe. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” says Mike.
“The good news,” Joe says,” is that there’s football in heaven.
Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too.
Better than that, we’re all young again.
Better still, it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows.
And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired.”
That’s fantastic,” says Mike. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams !” “So, what’s the bad news ?”
“You’re in the team for this Saturday’s match !
A construction worker goes to the doctor
A guy enters a bar
23.
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer’s field.
The old farmer, after seeing what had happened, went over to investigate
He then dug a hole and buried the politicians.
A few days later the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer said he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, “Were they all dead?”
The old farmer replied, “Well, some of them said they weren’t, but you know how them politicians lie.”
Two friends were walking through
little boys were lying on stretchers
24.
The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”
The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender:
“You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy:
“Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
A new bar manager at a country
A guy with a 25-inch tool
The bartender asked a guy sitting at the bar: “What’ll you have?”
The guy answered: “A scotch, please.”
The bartender handed him the drink and said: “That’ll be $5.”
The guy said: “What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.”
A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, said to the bartender:
“You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.”
The bartender was understandably unhappy, but said to the guy:
“Okay, I’ll let you off this time, but don’t ever let me catch you in here again.”
A new bar manager at a country
A guy with a 25-inch tool
25.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘careful!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?
They’re going to stick! Careful.
Careful! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them you know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt.
Use the salt! The salt!’ The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
Examination At School
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘careful!
Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once.
Too many! Turn them! Turn them now! We need more butter.
Oh my gosh! Where are we going to get more butter?
They’re going to stick! Careful.
Careful! I said be careful!
You never listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them you know you always forget to salt them Use the! Salt.
Use the salt! The salt!’ The wife stared at him.
‘What in the world is wrong with you think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’
Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting
Examination At School
26.
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup
A pretty young woman visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his bared patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
A Amish Lady Driving Her Horse-Drawn Buggy
A old man was having his annual checkup
27.
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, “Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?”
Frank says, “Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We’ve been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you.”
So, they keep walking.
After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, “Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?”
Jim says, “Frank, you and I are like brothers, you were the best man at my wedding, you attended my son’s wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you.”
They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, “Frank, if you had two chickens…”
“Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I’ve got two Chickens!”
A little Johnny reading the story
Jacob and Rebecca age are living in Florida
28.
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office.
Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake…”
The man shook his head.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice your legs. You’re a dragon, right?” The man shook his head again angrily.
“Sorry… a worm?” The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
“Go to hell, you idiot! I’m the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!”
A young banker goes to the tailor
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
A psychiatrist had no patients in his office.
Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs.
His mouth was full with pieces of colored plastic.
He was holding strange objects in his hands.
He was dragging cables along behind himself.
The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed,
“And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake…”
The man shook his head.
“Oh, sorry, I didn’t notice your legs. You’re a dragon, right?” The man shook his head again angrily.
“Sorry… a worm?” The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces.
“Go to hell, you idiot! I’m the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!”
A young banker goes to the tailor
A guy was lost in the Sahara Desert
29.
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.
The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts.
She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the biggest bums.
Woman asked where’s your Ferrari?
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
30.
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
Two elderly women were trying on shoes in our store.
When I slipped a shoe onto one woman’s foot, the end of my tie got caught beneath her heel.
Unaware of my predicament, she stood up and started toward the mirror.
For a few seconds, I found myself crawling along the floor beside her, trying to get her attention.
“Look, Martha,” her friend said. “he wants to go home with you!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
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