1.
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah?
Well, that’s nothing.
“My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard
A guy is walking down the street
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, “My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed.”
The second kid replies,”Yeah?
Well, that’s nothing.
“My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the night shift, he sleeps with the lady next door.”
Three boys are in the schoolyard
A guy is walking down the street
2.
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
On the first day of first grade, Mrs. Smith asked her students to name their favorite letter.
One young girl in front raised her hand and said: “My favorite letter is ‘F,’ because the word ‘flowers’ begins with ‘F’.”
“Very good, Marissa!” Mrs. Smith chirped. “Who else?”
A young boy raised his hand and said: “I like the letter “X” because not a lot of words have an ‘X’ in them.”
“That’s also a good one, Kyle.”
Mrs. Smith scanned the room.
“Anyone else want to share?”
A small boy in the back raised his hand about wildly and said:
“My favorite letter is definitely ‘G!’”
Mrs. Smith looked at the boy and asked: “Why is that, Angus?”
Frank came into work late
A cab passenger taps the driver
3.
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank
A 95-Year-old woman goes to the Doctor…
She tells him that she’s lived a long life and that she wants to end it now on her own terms.
The Doc sees her and can tell that she’s in pain and not wanting others to hear him, he decides to whisper some advice to her on how to do it.
A few hours later the same old lady is rushed to the ER with a bullet wound on her left knee.
When she saw the doctor in the hallway as she was being rushed, she yelled, “You told me to shoot myself under my left breast
A 90 year old woman just got married
3 thieves rob a bank
4.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom’s annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love making.
Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn’t quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn’t close a large suitcase.
The groom said, “Darling, you get on top and I’ll try.”
That didn’t work.
Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, “Sweetheart, you get on top and I’ll try.”
Still no success.
So, he said, “Look let’s both get on top.”
At that point the parrot pulled away the towel with his beak and said:
“Zoo or no zoo, I just gotta see this.”
The pastor always said
Who You Are Makes A Difference
5.
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
Three blondes are talking about their boyfriends.
“It’s funny,” says Samantha, “Peter’s nuts are always cold as ice when I’m giving him a BJ!”
“You know what?” replies Jenny, “It’s exactly the same with my Richard!”
They turn to the third blonde and ask: “When you blow Chris, are his nuts cold, also?”
“Ugh! That’s disgusting! I never put his thing in my mouth!”
“You’re crazy,” one of the blondes pipes up.
“A good BJ is the best way to keep a guy! You should try it!”
She says she’ll think about it.
The next morning, they meet at the cafe and the BJ novice is sporting a wicked shiner.
“Whoa!” the first blonde asks, “How did you get that black eye?!”
“Chris hit me when I was blowing him,” she said.
“What on earth for?!” the second blonde asks.
“I don’t know,” she replies. “All I did was tell him how strange it was that his nuts were so warm, seeing as Pete and Richard’s are so cold!”
Three guys are in a Cessna
A woman goes to the doctor
6.
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
A little old lady answered a knock on her door one day to find a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
“Good morning,” said the young man.
“If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I’d like to demonstrate the latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.”
The old lady responded,
“Go away! I don’t have any money,” and began to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
“Don’t be too hasty! Let me show you what this vacuum can do.”
He then dumped a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner doesn’t remove every trace of this mess, I’ll eat the rest of it myself.”
The old lady stepped back, smiled, and said,
“Well, I hope you’ve got a big appetite because they cut off my electricity this morning!”
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
Two teenagers meet after school
7.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
8.
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered “Hello?”
“Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him? ” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
“Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes,” came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
“Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “A policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there? ” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle.
A poor boy who was selling goods
He shot and dropped a bird
9.
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
Johnny went to school one day and later that day his dad got a call saying he needs to pick up his son because he had had bang with a teacher.
When Johnny got home his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike.
When they bought the bike Johnny was offered to ride the bike but he declined it and replied with my bum still hurts.
Superman and flash were in the living room
A guy goes on to a ship
10.
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass, to which the husband answered, “What do I look like to you? A landscaper?!”
Next time the sink was dripping, she asked him again, “Honey, can you fix the faucet?”
The husband replied, “What do I look like to you? A Plumber?!”
Two days later, a light bulb went out and she begged him again, “Honey, can you change the light bulb?”
His reply was, “What am I? An electrician?!”
A few days later, the husband comes home from work to find that the lawn is cut, the faucet is fixed, the light bulb is changed.
Very surprised, he says, “Honey, what happened here?”
The wife replies, “You know our new next door neighbor? He came over and fixed everything.”
The husband says, “Honey, how did you pay him?!”
“Oh, you know,” the wife says, “he told me that I could either bake him a cake or have make love with him.”
Somewhat relieved the husband asks, “Whew, so what kind of a cake did you bake for him?”
The wife replies, “Who do you think I am? Betty Crocker?!”
A couple had been married for 25 years
A little boy asked his father
11.
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched.
The older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no we’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet It’s his turn to use our the teeth.
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A very elderly couple
A man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at a fast food place.
He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and as he watched.
The older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries until each had half of them.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.
The young man decided to ask if they would let him buy another meal for them so that they didn’t have to split theirs.
The old gentleman said, “Oh, no we’ve been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50.”
The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, to which she replied, “Not yet It’s his turn to use our the teeth.
Larry attended a horse auction with his father
A very elderly couple
12.
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
“I can’t wear your trousers” she said.
“That’s right” said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”
With that she flipped him her underwear and said, “Try these on.”
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
“Hell” he said. ”I can’t get into your underwear!”
She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way it’s going to stay until your attitude changes!”
A man was on a bus tour
A newlywed couple on their honeymoon
13.
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bottom deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don’t sell bottom deodorant, and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.
“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”
“But I always get it here,” says the blonde.
“Do you have the container it comes in?”
“Yes!” said the blonde, “I will go get it.
“She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”
The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, “To apply, push up bottom.”
A blonde walks into an appliance store
Three female fugitives escaping from jail
14.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
15.
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her undies line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She said, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanks giving and Christmas.”
A group of young children were sitting
A new firefighter was being trained
16.
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
A carpenter went home after shutting down his workshop.
A black poisonous cobra entered his workshop.
The cobra was hungry and hoped to find its supper lurking somewhere within.
It slithered from one end to another and accidentally bumped into a double-edged metal axe and got very slightly injured.
In anger and seeking revenge, the snake bit the axe with full force.
What could a bite do to a metallic axe? Instead the cobra’s mouth started bleeding.
Out of fury and arrogance, the cobra tried its best to strangle and kill the object that was causing it pain by wrapping itself very tightly around the blades.
The next day when the carpenter opened the workshop, he found a seriously cut, dead cobra wrapped around the axe blades.
The cobra died not because of someone else’s fault but faced these consequences merely because of its own anger and wrath.
Sometimes when angry, we try to cause harm to others but as time passes by, we realise that we have caused more harm to ourselves.
For a happy life, it’s best we should learn to ignore and overlook some things, people, incidents, affairs and matters.
It is not necessary that we show a reaction to everything.
Step back and ask yourself if the matter is really worth responding or reacting to.
Lets treat people with kindness even if they hurt you.
People that show no inclination to change, are best handled with silence and prayer.
This story can help us take some good decisions.
One day a city mouse went to visit his friend
A man walks into the front door of a bar
17.
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt.
Then they went to the Dean and said they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their way back the tire of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back.
So they were in no condition to take the test.
The Dean thought for a minute and said they can have the re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they will be ready by that time.
On the third day, they appeared before the Dean.
The Dean said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were required to sit in separate classrooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.
The Test consisted of only 2 questions with the total of 100 Points:
1) Your Name? __________ (1 Points)
2) Which tire burst? __________ (99 Points)
Options – (a) Front Left (b) Front Right (c) Back Left (d) Back Right
A Swedish truck
A king had his men place a boulder
18.
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
A husband and wife have four sons.
The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.
The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?”
The wife replied, “I swear on everything that’s holy that he is your son.”
With that, the husband passed away.
The wife muttered, “Thank God he didn’t ask about the other three.”
3 men are playing golf
Johnny Big Head
19.
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.
“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike he won’t bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
See – Men just don’t listen!
A Buddhist monk
Father was a hardworking man
20.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.”
The old lady was standing at the railing
A man enters a barbershop for a shave
21.
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets.
We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked, “Hey, should you slow down a bit?”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way.”
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I’m seriously concerned for my life now, “Would you please drive more carefully.”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine.”
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie screeched to a dead stop.
I got curious, “Why are you stopped at a green light?”
“Oh, I gotta be careful ’cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street.”
My mother taught
A man goes to the doctor and tells
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets.
We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked, “Hey, should you slow down a bit?”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way.”
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I’m seriously concerned for my life now, “Would you please drive more carefully.”
“Don’t worry about it all of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine.”
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie screeched to a dead stop.
I got curious, “Why are you stopped at a green light?”
“Oh, I gotta be careful ’cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street.”
My mother taught
A man goes to the doctor and tells
22.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
23.
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door.
Son: “Mommy, may I ask you a question?”
Mom: “Yeah sure, what it is?” replied the woman.
Son: “Mommy, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “That’s none of your business, why do you ask such a thing?” the woman said angrily.
Son: “I just want to know Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
Mom: “If you must know, I make $20 an hour.”
Son: “Oh,” the little boy replied, with his head down.
Son: “Mommy, may I please borrow $5?”
The mother was furious, “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed think about why you are being so selfish I don’t work hard everyday for such childish frivolities.”
The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The woman sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions how dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the woman had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $5 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.The woman went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.
“Are you asleep, son?” She asked.
“No Mommy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.
“I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier” said the woman.
“It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you here’s the $5 you asked for.”
The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
“Oh, thank you Mommy!” he yelled.
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills.
The woman saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.
The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his mother.
“Why do you want more money if you already have some?” the mother grumbled.
“Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.
“Mommy, I have $20 now can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow I would like to have dinner with you.”
The mother was crushed she put her arms around her little son, and she begged for his forgiveness.
It’s just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life we should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts.
A elderly couple was just settled down for bed
A Man And His Wife Go On A Date
24.
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a bared beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had melons bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger “units” than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.
“Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again.
He promptly told his mother,
“Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.
One evening a husband and wife
A woman goes out shopping with her husband
25.
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from sports, so she takes him to a strip club.
The doorman at the club spots them and says, “Hey Roger! How are you tonight?”
His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here before.
“No, no. He’s just one of the guys I bowl with.”
They are seated, and the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says, “Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic as usual?”
His wife’s eyes widen.
“You must come here a lot!”
“No, no” says Roger “I just know her from volleyball.”
Then a stripper walks up to the table.
She throws her arms around Roger and says “Roger!
A table dance as usual?” His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar.
Roger follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat.
His wife looks at him, seething with fury and flips out on Roger.
Just then, the cabby leans over and says, “Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight, Roger!”
A old man goes into Victoria’s Secret
A woman awakes during the night
26.
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
A young blonde visiting her doctor
At the pearly gates he was asked
27.
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves.
He had the manager try them on.
She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up.
When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of undergarment instead.
When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it.
The note read: Dear Honey, Hope you like the gift.
The lady at store said they were perfect.
I had her try them on for me.
She looked more like a lady,
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love, Bobby.
I Gotta Be Drunk
Supermarket Mother
28.
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
A Blonde bought a brand new Car and decided to drive down from some place far off, to meet this friend.
She reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, she decided to return, and called up her mother to expect her in the evening.
But she didn’t reach home in the evening and not the next day either.
When she finally reached home on the third day, her distraught mother ran and asked her “What Happened?”
She got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said,
“Oh these car designers, those people are crazy! They have four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!”
Two old men are sat on a bench
A couple on their first night
29.
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?”
A teacher asks a student
A lady calls the police to report
Two Irish nuns have just arrived to the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
“Two dogs, please,” says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.
Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their “dogs.”
The mother superior is first to open hers.
She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: “Which part did you get?”
A teacher asks a student
A lady calls the police to report
30.
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present.
He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?”
She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says.
“Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture.”
A police officer attempts to stop
Bob was in trouble
Tags:
eng jokes