1.
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
The friendly usher at the country church greeted the elderly woman visitor at the door and helped her up the steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.
“The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
As he walked up to old lady’s car
She noticed a sad man sitting on a bench
2.
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks.
She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”
“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him in a serious voice: “You go out on another date!”
How old are you
A woman came home early from work
A 19-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl cries and says she only dated the father for a few weeks.
She picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.”
“Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him in a serious voice: “You go out on another date!”
How old are you
A woman came home early from work
3.
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
There are three friends
A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset
when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back.
He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying,
“I regret that I cannot remember which one you are.
Please keep your photo and return the others.”
Two blondes, Jane and Sarah
There are three friends
4.
A mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
A guy who has a bad stutter
John and David were both patients
A mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he’s driving a car.
The nurse asks him, “Charlie, what are you doing?”
Charlie replied, “Driving to Chicago!”
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Charlie’s room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, “Well Charlie, how are you doing?”
Charlie says, “I just got into Chicago”.
“Great,” replied the nurse.
The nurse leaves Charlie’s room and goes across the hall into Bob’s room, and finds Bob sitting on his bed furiously wanking.
Shocked, she asks, “Bob, what are you doing?!”
Bob says, “I’m screwing Charlie’s wife while he’s in Chicago!”
A guy who has a bad stutter
John and David were both patients
5.
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
Mrs. Jennings began each vocabulary lesson by asking the students to use a word in a sentence.
“Okay, class,” she announced, “who can use the word ‘fascinate’ properly in a sentence?”
Mary shot her hand up and, before Mrs. Jennings could call on her, she said “I went to Alaska over spring break and it was fascinating!”
Mrs. Jennings replied, “that’s good Mary, but I asked for the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”
Billy threw his hand up next: “My Dad want to see the museum and was fascinated by the paintings!”
Mrs. Jennings again corrected her student: “That’s also good, but remember the word is ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinated.’”
Finally, Carol waved her hand wildly from the back row: “My aunt just bought a new shirt with ten buttons.
She tried to put it on, but her boobs are too big, so she could only fasten eight.”
Thai woman marries American man
Three guys were walking through
6.
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents.
Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents.
After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
“Mom,” said Lisa nervously, “I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.”
After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
“Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!
An old man went to the doctor
Rosanne a beautiful young foreigner
7.
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes into pee.
The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is.
He can’t help himself and asks Bubba what his secret is.
“Well,” says Bubba,
“Every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my manhood on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!”
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night.
So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his manhood and whacked it three times on the bedpost.
His wife, half-asleep, said,
“Bubba? Is that you?”
He walks into a bakery to meet with owner
A young girl wants to meet Santa Claus
8.
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’
Inspiring Husband
Sally was driving home
A confused father goes to buy a Barbie Doll for his daughters birthday.
The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95.
Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95.
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95′.
The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?’
Annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:
‘Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’
Inspiring Husband
Sally was driving home
9.
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”
He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man had been drinking
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”
He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man had been drinking
A blonde was complaining to her friend
10.
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
A beautiful innocent young girl wants to meet Santa Claus.
So she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve.
Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks.
He is about to leave when the girl says in a cute voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
The girl drops the robe to reveal a corset and underwear and says in an even nice voice,
“Oh Santa, please stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa begins to sweat.
The girl takes off her corset and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”
Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go,
Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”
Santa wipes his brow.
She loses the underwear and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay…”
Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow says,
“HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!
The husband is in the bathroom shaving
Johnny down to the pond to get some water
11.
Morris had died.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
Morris had died.
His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Morris’ Last Will and Testament.
“To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 150 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the new Jaguar.
To my daughter Shirley, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Aaron, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my treadmill.”
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
Becky was the manager of a jewelry store
12.
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
A attorney telephoned the governor
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife’s activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it.
Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!
He saw the two of them laughing in the park.
He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.
He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub.
He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
“I just can’t believe this,” the distraught husband said.
The detective said, “What’s not to believe? It’s right up there on the screen!”
The husband replied, “I can’t believe that my wife could be so much fun!”
A attorney telephoned the governor
The priest noticed a boy wearing a raincoat
13.
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant.
When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”
His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”
Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook.”
A old man goes to a doctor
A husband and wife went to marriage Councillor
14.
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
A pig walks into a bar and orders ten beers.
As soon as the pig is finished drinking the beers, he pays the bartender and starts to leave the bar.
“Wait!” says the bartender.
“You drank so much beer. Wouldn’t it be wise to use the bathroom before leaving?”
“Not for me,” says the pig.
“I’m the type of pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home.”
Two 90 year old men Mike and Joe
A guy sits down in a movie theater
15.
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room,…
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight,..
and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?
“Breast-fed,” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.
He pinched her fronts, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both melons for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said,
“No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.
Three friends who were lost in the forest
Adam was talking to his friend
16.
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.
He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”
She said, “No?”
“Well,” he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”
And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make rubber pack.”
A woman meets with her lover
They decided to go for a swim
17.
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
Getting late for a meeting, need to run’, he said, as he slung his coat over the shoulder, and bounded out of the house.
As he drove away, she came running down the stairs two at a time.
‘Wait, wait’, she said, but he had already left.
Her mouth crumpled like used wrapping paper.
‘He forgot to give me a goodbye kiss’, she whispered in a voice that trembled under the weight of her hurt.
She called him, ‘you left without giving me a kiss’, she said accusingly.
‘I am sorry sweetheart’, he said, his voice contrite.
‘It is okay’, she said, trying to be all grown up as she cut the call.
She gulped down her breakfast morosely, wore her shoes, picked up her school bag and started to walk out of the door, her shoulders slumped.
As she climbed down the steps, the car glided to a stop outside the house.
He got out of the car she ran to him, her whole face lit up like a Christmas tree.
‘I am sorry I forgot’, he said, as he picked her up and hugged her.
She said nothing her jaw ached from smiling.
Fifteen years later, no one would remember he was late for a meeting, but a little girl would never ever forget that her father drove all the way back home just to kiss her goodbye!
Do not miss out on the precious moments, priceless life experiences of the time spent with your child.
Create beautiful life experiences you will make a world of difference in their lives.
They need your time and attention more than anything else give it to them.
Little Johnny was sitting in class
One day a farmer’s donkey fell down
18.
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
“Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.
“You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.
“What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.”
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.”
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.”
Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger.”
A man and his wife were in divorce court
A man phones home from his office
19.
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
Three friends were at the bar talking, and after many rounds of beer, one of them suggests that everyone admits something they have never admitted to anyone.
“Okay,” says the first, “I’ve never told anybody I’m a gay!”
The second confesses, “I’m having an affair with my boss’s wife.”
The third, Moishe, begins, “I don’t know how to tell you…”
“Don’t be shy,” the two friends said.
“Well,” says Moishe, “I can’t keep secrets.”
A blonde and lawyer are play a game
I need your help
20.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.
She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am, I had a cat who stuttered.”
The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.
The little girl stands up and says, “Well, we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got loose and jumped the fence.”
She continued, “My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying f****k the rottweiler ate her.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A couple lived near the ocean
A teacher is explaining biology to her 3rd grade students.
She explains that humans are the only animals that can stutter.
A little girl in the back raises her hand and says “No ma’am, I had a cat who stuttered.”
The teacher knowing how precious these stories could be asked her to explain.
The little girl stands up and says, “Well, we had this big tabby cat that liked to annoy the rottweiler next door and one day the rottweiler got loose and jumped the fence.”
She continued, “My cat said fff, fff, fff, but before she could finish saying f****k the rottweiler ate her.”
Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment
A couple lived near the ocean
21.
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
A man and a woman were having drinks
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section.
One asks the other if she would like a beer.
The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it.
The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
The cashier without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer saying, “Here, don’t forget the curlers.”
A man and a woman were having drinks
A man wakes up and looks at his clock
22.
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says,
“Hey Johnny, want to play Mummies and Daddies?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said the bewildered boy.
“I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
A teacher was teaching her class
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day.
The girl approaches the boy and says,
“Hey Johnny, want to play Mummies and Daddies?”
He says, “Sure! What do you want me to do?”
The girl replies, “I want you to communicate your feelings.”
“Communicate my feelings?” said the bewildered boy.
“I have no idea what that means.”
The little girl smirks and says, “Perfect. You can be the husband.”
A Texan farmer goes to Australia
A teacher was teaching her class
23.
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the many posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had been having a pretty good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop,
“I know that on your pensions you could never hope to have a holiday like these, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel.
Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!
About a month later the little old lady came into his shop.
“And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.
“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said.
“I’ve come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me,” she said.
“Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?”
Little Johnny is riding with his Uncle Bob
A man dreams that he is a chicken
24.
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof, watching the world.
One of them notices a jet plane roaring high up at the sky. ?
He nudges his friend,
”Wow, would you look at that! Look how fast he is!”
The other one shrugs,
“You’d fly like the blazes too if somebody lit your bum on fire.”
A man has been drinking all day at a bar
A little old lady answered a knock on her door
25.
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
If you let me touch your wife’s bum and smack it, i will pay you $100,000 says a guy to his best friend.
His friend gets furious and asks him to mind what he is saying.
Later in the evening the best friend tells this incident to his wife, and she got more angry at him to deny such an offer.
She says, “you can stand right there with us, he is not gonna make love me.
I mean $100,000 for touching and smacking my bum is worth it, we can buy hell lot of stuff”.
The husband agrees and calls his friend over the next day to touch and smack his wife’s bum.
Everyone is in the room now, the wife comes over, removes her skirt and his friend starts touching and feeling his wife’s bum.
Two minutes passed and he is still touching and feeling it.
The husband got angry and screamed, “yo idiot, smack the bum now, enough”
The friend replied, “how can I smack dude, I don’t have $100,000.
Grandpa what is couple
A woman meets a man in a bar
26.
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
An elderly gentleman had been experiencing serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect.
Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said,
“Oh, I haven’t told my family yet
I just sit around and listen to the conversations.
I’ve changed my will five times!”
A priest was being honoured
I forgot my teeth
27.
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.
The man then turns to the local and asks, “Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?”
The local replies “No Sir, I have not.”
The man explains how he had “Won the title of the World’s Most Gullible Man”.
The local remarks in awe, and asks, “Wow! How does it feel to be the World’s Most Gullible Man?”
The man replies saying, “I don’t remember, I recently lost the title.”
The local excited by such such news asks, “My god, when did this happen?”
The man looks at the local, grinning from ear to ear and replies, “Just now.”
There was this boy called James
A guy finds his dog with the neighbor’s pet
28.
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off weapon in this place, “she began, “the big ones went for a tenner and the thick ones went for 20.”
“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.
“Those they gave away,” she replied tongue in cheek.
“I had a dream too,” started the husband.
“I dreamt they were auctioning off fannies. The pretty ones went for a 1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”
“And how much for the ones like mine?” required the wife to her husband.
“That’s where they held the auction,” he replied.
A young couple decided to wed
A Russian couple are walking
29.
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.
He yelled
“Hey! What are you doing in there?!”
The rabbit asked back
“Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?”
“I guess… What difference does that make?”
“I’m wasting.”
The teacher asked Johnny
A little old lady went to see the doctor
30.
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
Once upon a time there were two men in a wood-chopping contest.
They were tasked with chopping down as many trees in the forest as they could from sun-up to sun-down.
The winner would be rewarded with both fame and fortune.
From morning till noon, both men steadily chopped and chopped.
By noon they were neck and neck, but then one man took a break and stopped chopping.
The other man saw this and thought to himself: “The lazy fool, he’s probably taken a break for lunch he’s given me a chance to get ahead of him and I will without doubt win this contest!”
A while later the man got back to work.
As the day continued he chopped more trees than his hard-working (and hungry) competitor and by mid-afternoon he had taken a clear lead.
When sundown came, the man who had taken the break at noon had chopped almost twice as many trees as the other man, who was drenched in sweat, hungry and exhausted.
“How did you beat me?” he asked puzzled.
“You were lazier than I and even took a break for lunch!”
“Ah,” said the other man, “I did take a break, but it was during that break, that I sharpened my axe.”
She never took an interest in religious studies
A lawyer trying to get tickets
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eng jokes