1.
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.”
Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.”
Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.”
Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny replied, “I know, but her chest are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The defense lawyer asks Sam
Three bulls heard that the rancher
Johnny was at school and the teacher said, “Someone use fascinate in a sentence.”
Sally answered, “The zoo was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “Sorry, Sally, I said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Maria suggested, “I was fascinated at the zoo.”
Once again the teacher said, “No, Maria, I specifically said to use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny said, “My sister has ten buttons on her sweater.”
Again the teacher said, “Sorry, Johnny, I said use fascinate in a sentence.”
Johnny replied, “I know, but her chest are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The defense lawyer asks Sam
Three bulls heard that the rancher
2.
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle he’s got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”
“Sand,” answered Juan.
The guard says, “We’ll just see about that – get off the bike!”
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
The next day, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, “What have you got?” “Sand,” says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.
Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something It’s driving me crazy, It’s all I think about I can’t sleep just between you and me, what are you smuggling?” Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”
A married couple is driving along
A frog and an iguana
3.
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop right away they go over to the bird section.
Gerry says to Paddy, “That’s them”.
The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yeah, we’ll take four of the birds in that cage up there,” says Gerry.
“Put them in a paper bag.”
The clerk does this and the two men pay for the birds and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry’s van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop.
“This looks like a grand place, eh?” says Gerry.
“Oh, yeah, this looks good,” replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
“I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?” says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds, followed by a ‘SPLAT’.
As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says.
“SCRW THAT !! THIS BUDGIE JUMPING IS TOO DANGEROUS FOR ME !!”
A minute later…Seamus arrives at the cliff
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar “peeper bag”.
He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun….
“Hi, Paddy – watch this”, Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff.
Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the poor parrot’s head off.
Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT, as he joins Gerry’s remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, “Bejesus, that PARROTSHOOTIN’ is also too dangerous for me.”
A few minutes later, Sean strolls up.
He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar paper bag.
However, instead of a parrot or a budgie, he pulls a chicken out of the bag and launches himself off the cliff with the same result as the other two men.
Once more Paddy shakes his head –
“Ahh, first there was Gerry wit’ his BUDGIE JUMPING, then Seamus PARROTSHOOTIN’ and now Sean with this HEN GLIDING !!!…”
A very complicated operation
Two men were hunting in the woods
4.
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife.
“Talking to the wine.”
A couple attended marriage counseling
He staggers into the bedroom
A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asks the husband.
“It’s me,” says the wife.
“Talking to the wine.”
A couple attended marriage counseling
He staggers into the bedroom
5.
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.”
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.”
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two blonde gals at the casino
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks.”
The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.
“When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds.”
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says.
“Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?”
“No, from skipping.”
A man and his wife are driving they hit a baby skunk
Two blonde gals at the casino
6.
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of shoes she likes and must have…
The husband says, “No bang chance love,
They’re too expensive!”
Later on that night in bed,
The wife is just falling off to sleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hands on her hips….
She turns to him and says, “No bang chance love,
If you aunt prepared to shoe the horse then you aunt bang riding it!!”
A mother took 6-year-old son
Charlie was visiting an old friend
7.
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs.
The waiter, suspecting that they’ve run out, goes back to question the chef.
“Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?”
Gus replies, “I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left.”
The waiter says, “Give him the rotten eggs. He’s so bombed he won’t know the difference.”
Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast.
The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment.
He goes to pay the cashier and asks, “Where’d you get those eggs?”
She replies, “We have our own chicken farm.”
The drunk asks, “Do you have a rooster?
“No,” she says.
The drunk replies, “Well, you’d better get one, because some skunk is bang your chickens.”
A city kid went to his grandpa farm
Mom asks little johnny how his day at school
8.
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth.
“Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster.
“I heard Pa say to Ma, ‘Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'”
A girl came skipping home from school
A young couple were driving down
9.
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew.
She would occasionally walk around to see eachvchild’s work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was?
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
A shy little 4-year-old came in to the dentist
The patient ask to doctor
10.
Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,..
So he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished,
Mary asked: “How much for the teapot?”
Carl replied: “That’s silver and it costs $300!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lot at money!” Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bob had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna bang for that hinge?”
Mary replied:,..
“No, but I will for the teapot.”
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store!
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades
Bob was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,..
So he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer.
When Carl was finished,
Mary asked: “How much for the teapot?”
Carl replied: “That’s silver and it costs $300!”
“My goodness, that sure is a lot at money!” Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Bob had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Carl yelled, “Mary, you wanna bang for that hinge?”
Mary replied:,..
“No, but I will for the teapot.”
This is why you can’t send a woman to a hardware store!
Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades
11.
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
A Football team was on the field during practice, when to their surprise, a big turkey suddenly walked up to the coach and demanded a tryout.
“Are you crazy,” hollered the coach, “we don’t give tryouts to turkeys.”
Before he knew it the turkey started dashing towards the football and made a fantastic catch.
“That was amazing,” exclaimed the coach.
“I have never seen anything like that! How much do you want for a year?”
“Don’t worry about money,” said the turkey,
“let me just ask you something, does the season go past Thanksgiving?”
A man with an elephant walks
The boss dialed his employees phone number
12.
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.
“Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother.
The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully.
That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.”
“Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked.
Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an in make love!”
A woman is standing looking in mirror
One day two young brothers in Rome
Little Jenny walked into the kitchen one day and looked up at her mother, who was busy cooking dinner.
“Mommy, how old are you?” she asked.
“Now dear,” said her mother, “You should never ask a woman what her age is.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it isn’t polite. You’ll understand better when you grow up.”
Jenny thought about it for a moment, then piped up, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
“Jenny,” said her mother, “That’s not a question you ask people.”
“Why not?” demanded Jenny.
“Because it’s not polite to ask grown-ups about how much they weigh. You’ll understand some day.”
“Mommy,” Jenny asked, “Why did you and Daddy get divorced?”
“Darling,” her mother replied with a sigh, “That’s something that’s still very painful for Mommy, and I really can’t talk about it now. I’ll explain when you are a little older.”
The next day, Jenny told a friend at school about the conversation with her mother.
The other little girl explained to her, “All you have to do is get a look at your mom’s driver’s license. It has all the information about any grown-up you want on it.”
So little Jenny sneaked a peek in her mother’s purse when she got home, and looked over her license, examining it carefully.
That evening, she went back into the kitchen and announced, “I know how old you are, Mommy, You are 36!”
Her mother looked down at her, surprised. “And I know how much you weigh!” said Jenny. “You weigh 135 pounds.”
“Jenny, where did you learn this?”, her mother asked.
Jenny just smiled and continued, “And, I know why you and Daddy got a divorce.” Her mother just gasped and asked, “Why?”
Jenny replied, “Because you got an in make love!”
A woman is standing looking in mirror
One day two young brothers in Rome
13.
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
There was this Asian lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London.
The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed to communicate with her husband.
The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs.
She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in Esperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs.
The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken.
Again, she didn’t know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her corset to show the butcher her melons.
The lady got what she wanted.
The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages.
Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
What were you thinking? Hellooo, her husband speaks English!!
A couple was lying in bed one evening
A young man and a young woman
14.
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news.
The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”
They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS.
Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”
The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”
A good looking guy is sitting in a bar
A teacher trying to teach good manners
15.
A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “I come here once a month to donate blood and they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened and the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator and noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him and said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
John goes to a doctor
A guy was in an elevator one day and noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.
He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “
3rd floor” she replied, “I come here once a month to donate blood and they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen and they pay me $200”.
Just then the elevator door opened and the woman stepped out.
The next month the guy was in the same elevator and noticed the same woman running to make it in.
He held the door and as she stepped in he said “I remember you, 3rd floor right?”
With her mouth completely full she looked at him and said “mph, mph, fif floor.”
A bodybuilder takes off his shirt
John goes to a doctor
16.
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
An Irishman is in the bar, drinking a pint of Guinness.
A lady next To him says, “What a coincidence, I am having Guinness too.”
Irish man: “I’m celebrating.”
Lady: “Me too.”
Irish man: “What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?”
Lady: “My husband & I have tried for 4 years for a baby. Today I’m pregnant!”
Irishman: “What a coincidence! I am a farmer. For 4 years my hens couldn’t lay any eggs. Today all are laying eggs!”
Lady: “Wow! How did that happen?”
Irishman: “I used a different tool.”
Lady smiled and said, “WHAT A COINCIDENCE!!!”
She saw her daughter with a vibrator
A old man goes to his doctor
17.
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, “Hello? Pause as he listens. How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
A teacher said to her student
A wife found her husband standing over their baby
18.
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.
As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill.
He replied, in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked if he had money in the bank.
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
The nun asked, “Do you have a relative who could help you?”
He said, “Just a spinster sister, who is a nun.”
The nun, slightly perturbed, said, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday
Two old school friends meet on the street
19.
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
Two guys were playing golf, one of them was about to swing the golf club when he noticed a funeral procession going by on the street.
The man stopped in mid-swing and closed his eyes and said a short prayer.
The other man truly inspired, remarked, clearing his throat, “wow that was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen.”
“Well”, the other man said “I was married to her for 35 years.”
A elderly wealthy man walks
A blonde and brunette are sitting
20.
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.
As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
“Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?”
The employee leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Murphy and his wife went for a stroll
A cop pulls over a car full of nuns
21.
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, “That’s disgusting!”
Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”
A college professor of Psychology
A secretary walked into her boss
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal.
Later, the waitress brings his meal to him.
He takes a bite out of it, and notices there’s a small hair in the hamburger.
He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, “Waitress, there’s a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!”
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit.
He says, “That’s disgusting!”
Then the waitress says, “You think that’s disgusting you should see him make donuts.”
A college professor of Psychology
A secretary walked into her boss
22.
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
“There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed.
“Looks like the Anderson’s have company,” he called out.
“Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopee.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
“How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A girl went to her dad
A woman is standing looking in mirror
23.
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.
She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.
The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.
Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.
After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas, she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient.
Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street.
One of them turned to the other and said, “I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I’m going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life!”
The parts wanted to be Boss
A Young Mouse & Frog
24.
Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution.
The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions.
If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.
Darryl said “yes” and the doctor proceeded.
“Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct, what if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.”
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room.
He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called.
The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
“What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.
“Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
A mathematician and plumber
Teacher & johnny
Darryl and Harold were the best patients in a mental institution.
The place had an unusual annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions.
If they got them correct, they were deemed cured and free to go.
Darryl was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.
Darryl said “yes” and the doctor proceeded.
“Darryl, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Darryl said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct, what if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.”
The doctor stood up, shook Darryl’s hand, and told him he was free to go.
On Darryl’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Darryl mentioned the exam to Harold, who was seated in the waiting room.
He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave him the answers.
So Harold went into the doctor’s office when he was called.
The doctor went through the formalities and then asked, “What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?”
Remembering what Darryl had told him, he answered, “I’d be half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on.
“What if I cut off the other ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Harold answered.
“Harold, can you explain how you’d be blind?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
A mathematician and plumber
Teacher & johnny
25.
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
A man prepares his donkey and dog for a long journey up a mountain.
He places a pack straddle on the donkey’s back and fills everything to maximum weight.
Because of the weight, he decides to pull the donkey along so that it does not become tired as easily.
The man, donkey, and his guard dog now begin the long trip up a mountain to get to the other side.
Hours into their long and quiet trip, the man becomes very tired.
He stops the donkey and decides that he is going to ride it.
Just as he starts to mount the donkey, out of nowhere the donkey says,
“STOP! I’m SICK OF BEING YOUR MULE! I HATE YOU! STOP USING ME!”
The man is bewildered, as he has never once before heard an animal speak, and takes off running as fast as he can back down the mountain, with the dog right behind him.
As he gets to the bottom in record time, he stops and catches his breath.
He is beyond scared and says in a scared tone, “Whoa, I have never heard a donkey speak before.”
The dog replies, “Me neither.”
The phone rings in Dr. Steins house
The pastor found a pink envelope
26.
Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park.
They saw two dogs having lovemaking.
Little Johnny asks, “What are they doing, dad?”
Dad replies, “They’re making puppies.”
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and they are having lovemaking.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
Dad replies, “We’re making a baby.”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies.”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
A elderly couple had been dating
Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park.
They saw two dogs having lovemaking.
Little Johnny asks, “What are they doing, dad?”
Dad replies, “They’re making puppies.”
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and they are having lovemaking.
He asks, “What are you doing?”
Dad replies, “We’re making a baby.”
Little Johnny replies, “Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies.”
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon
A elderly couple had been dating
27.
A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.
He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,
“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”
Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”
“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,” he replied.
“That would be great!”
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple is dressed and ready
A dad was having a conversation with his 8 year old son Little Johnny about what he would like to be when he grew up.
He went over many job ideas, when soon, he came out with,
“I’d like to be a babysitter when I grow up.”
Dad asked him, “Why a babysitter?”
“It’s the only job where you get to play, watch TV, nap and they pay you for it,” he replied.
“That would be great!”
A old man decides to meet his grandson
A couple is dressed and ready
28.
A teacher said to her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”
“It depends on what?” she asked.
“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
A man told his doctor
The husband picked up the phone
A teacher said to her student, “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
After a few moments, Billy answered, “It depends.”
“It depends on what?” she asked.
“It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
A man told his doctor
The husband picked up the phone
29.
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car.
She wanted a fast sports car.
He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
A husband and wife were debating on buying a new car.
She wanted a fast sports car.
He wanted a pickup.
As time passed on, her birthday came up and she thought it a great time to fulfill her wish.
She told her husband, “Look, I want something that can go from 0 to 200. Furthermore, I want it to be able to do it in just a few seconds!”
The husband bought her a bathroom scale.
The funeral is at 3:00pm Wednesday.
A young Redhead goes into the doctor
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar
30.
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers.
Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, “Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?”
“Not so good,” replied Bubba, “I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper.”
A pretty girl Walking up to a department store
He was met at the Pearly Gates
Tags:
eng jokes