1.
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
A boss said to his secretary, “I want to have make love with you, but I will make it very fast.
I’ll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I’ll be done.”
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend said, “Do it but ask him for $2,000.
Then pick up the money so fast, he won’t even have enough time to undress himself.”
She agrees. After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks,
“So what happened?”
She responds, “The bastard used coins, so I’m still picking it up and he is still choking me!”
A dentist told a mother
A brunette goes into a doctor’s office
2.
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.
One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars.
Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride.
She refused, quipping “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride.
Again Helen turned it down, saying “50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
The third year the same exact conversation happened, except this time the pilot overheard.
He offered the couple a free ride, but with one condition.
They must not make a sound while in the air, or they would have to pay the 50 dollars.
Bill and Helen agreed and climbed aboard.
As soon as they left the ground, the pilot began performing hair raising maneuvers in the air, but try as he might, he could not get the couple to utter a sound.
When they finally touched down, the pilot turned to Bill and exclaimed, “that was an amazing show of self control, you have earned your free ride”.
Bill replied, “well, I nearly said something when Helen fell out, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.”
She asks the doctor about her baby
A serious drunk walked into a bar
3.
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are “snowbirds” in Texas.
Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely undressed except for the boots.
Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different now??”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
To which Bessie replies, “Should a bought a hat, Ray. Should a bought a hat.”
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Mr. Robinson said to his wife
4.
A lady walks into a pet store.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a night house, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New call girl in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
One of the priests said
A lady walks into a pet store.
She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO
The lady asks the pet shop owner, “Why so cheap?”
The owner says “This bird used to live in a night house, so he says a lot of inappropriate things.”
The lady can’t pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway.
She gets the bird home and the first thing the bird says is “Finally cleaned up this dump, and the new madam isn’t bad looking.”
The lady finds it amusing.
Her two teen daughters get home and the bird says “New call girl in the house, business will be booming tonight.”
The girls are shocked but laugh it off.
A few hours later the woman’s husband gets home and the bird says “Hey Jim.”
Little Johnny is constantly late for school
One of the priests said
5.
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine.
Suddenly, she burst out laughing.
“Listen to this,” she said.
“There’s a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium.”
“Hmmm,” her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.
Teasing him, Sarah said, “Would you swap me for a season ticket?”
“Absolutely not,” he said.
“How sweet,” Sarah said. “Tell me why not.”
“Season’s more than half over,” he said.
A man in a bar sees a friend
A man was being interviewed for a job
6.
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are curious about the latest arrival in their building a quiet, nice looking gentleman who keeps to himself.
Shirley says, “Sophie, you know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely.”
Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, “Excuse me, mister. I hope I’m not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”
“Of course I’m lonely,” he says.
“I’ve spent the past 20 years in prison.”
“You’re kidding! What for?”
“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”
“What happened to your second wife?”
“I shot her.”
“And, if I may ask, your first wife?”
“We had a fight and she fell off a building.”
“Oh my,” says Sophie.
Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, “Yoo-hoo, Shirley. He’s single.”
A young farm girl answers the door
A blonde went to her doctor
7.
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments,
“You look terrible. What’s the problem?”
“My mother died in June,” he said, “and left me $10,000.”
“Gee, that’s tough,” he replied.
“Then in July,” the friend continued, “My father died leaving me $50,000.”
“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed.”
“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”
“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”
“Then this month,” continued the friend, “nothing!”
A drunk was sitting in a bar
Sarah was reading a newspaper
8.
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
9.
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
The 8-year-old girl is asking her mother:
Mom, what is make love?
Mother is not ready for this conversation but she decides to explain everything in details to make sure her daughter gets the information in the safest possible way.
The girl listens without interruption and asks mother again:
Ok, Mom, I got it. Am I supposed to draw this in this tiny box in admission form?
Grandchildren asked their grandfather
A man walks into a bar
10.
The very snobbish woman was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
“Now what about the butler” the rich woman said?
“A set of wine glasses” the maid suggested?
The woman frowned icily.
“He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains. He’ll get a tie”.
The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl”?
The woman frowned again. “She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble. We’ll get her another apron”.
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.
“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam”? the maid replied.
“Of course”, the woman replied.
“Then what about three more inches”? said the maid.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
The very snobbish woman was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
“Now what about the butler” the rich woman said?
“A set of wine glasses” the maid suggested?
The woman frowned icily.
“He doesn’t really need that. A butler never entertains. He’ll get a tie”.
The maid grimaced, but said only, “What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl”?
The woman frowned again. “She doesn’t really need a new dress. She’ll only get in trouble. We’ll get her another apron”.
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer’s arrogance when they reached her husband.
“I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam”? the maid replied.
“Of course”, the woman replied.
“Then what about three more inches”? said the maid.
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting
A old man and his wife lived in the hills
11.
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.
A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother’s left foot were sent instead.
Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfil her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Island to inform the facility of the mistake.
After a long, arduous search, she finds an unmarked building in the middle of a thick forest.
She rings the doorbell and, after a moment, a pleasant-looking man answers.
“Hello. I’m sorry to bother you, but my recently-deceased mother donated photos of her right foot here,” She says, bringing the correct photos out.
“But it turns out we accidentally sent reversed photos of her left foot.
“Oh, excellent!” the man says, carefully taking the pictures. “Thank you so, so much.
She was a long-time dear friend of the academy, and we are so grateful to honor her memory–“The woman puts her hand up.
“What’s that sound…?”Before he can stop her, the woman pushes past him and rushes into an adjacent room.
There, projected on the wall, is a reversed picture of her mother’s left foot…and a room full of people masturbating.
Enraged, she storms back to find the man sitting in the living room, waiting for her.
“WHAT THE F**K IS GOING ON IN THERE?!””Look,” he says. “I think we got off on the wrong foot here.”
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic
Salesman Of The Year Has Rough First Day
12.
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
Two old couples got together to reminiscent about the old times and laugh about life.
One of the gentlemen, Harold, started raving about this great restaurant he and his wife visited not too long ago.
“Really?” The other old man asked.
“What was the name of this place?”
Harold thought for a second before asking, “what do you call those flowers that smell really good?”
“Which ones?” The other guy asked. “Daisy?”
“No, that’s not it.”
“Tulip?”
“No, that doesn’t sound right either.”
“Rose?”
“Yes!” Harold snapped his fingers.
“That’s it!” Harold turns to his wife and asked, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to the other day?”
A man walks into a bar
He tells his doctor of his concern
13.
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
Little Johnny went to the store with his grandmother.
On the way home, he looked through her bags to see what she had purchased.
In one package, Little Johnny found some corset and he began to sound out the words “Queen Size.”
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,
“Look Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”
A little boy first day in school
A man was talking to a group
14.
There was this boy called James that came from a very poor family and as such, he never wanted to go into debt of any kind.
He was that back of the class, noisy kid who wasn’t very smart One morning, this conversation ensued between James and his math teacher.
Math Teacher: Today we will be talking on quadratic equations.
Who can tell me what quad- James!! Its been only 3 minutes in class and you are already distracted, be quiet.
James: Sorry sir it won’t happen again.
Math Teacher: It better not.
So class, a quadratic equation is any equation that…
*Class becomes silent but the voice of James*
James: … and then batman threw the ice batarang but he missed and it hit Robin.
Batman became angrier an-…
Math Teacher: James shut up and pay attention. So as i was saying,…
*James starts to leave the class* Math Teacher: And where do you think you’r going
James: Sir, permit me to leave the class because I currently have no money to pay attention.
A couple of years ago, one night
A man is talking to a local at the pub
There was this boy called James that came from a very poor family and as such, he never wanted to go into debt of any kind.
He was that back of the class, noisy kid who wasn’t very smart One morning, this conversation ensued between James and his math teacher.
Math Teacher: Today we will be talking on quadratic equations.
Who can tell me what quad- James!! Its been only 3 minutes in class and you are already distracted, be quiet.
James: Sorry sir it won’t happen again.
Math Teacher: It better not.
So class, a quadratic equation is any equation that…
*Class becomes silent but the voice of James*
James: … and then batman threw the ice batarang but he missed and it hit Robin.
Batman became angrier an-…
Math Teacher: James shut up and pay attention. So as i was saying,…
*James starts to leave the class* Math Teacher: And where do you think you’r going
James: Sir, permit me to leave the class because I currently have no money to pay attention.
A couple of years ago, one night
A man is talking to a local at the pub
15.
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
A man walks into the barber shop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks, “How do you want your haircut?”
The man says, ” I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top.”
The barber looks puzzled and says, “I’m not sure I can do that.”
The customer says, “Why not, you did it that way last time.”
A blonde goes to the doctor
A couple lays down for bed
16.
A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.
The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’
The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’
‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologized to her husband.
Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.
‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.
The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.
A man and his son were walking together
Husband says to his wife
A husband was sitting on the sofa one afternoon when his wife came up behind him and whacked him on the head.
The husband asked ‘What the hell was that for?’
The wife replied ‘That’s for the slip of paper in your pocket with the name Laura Lou on it!’
‘Don’t worry’, said the husband, that’s just the name of a racehorse I put a bet on a few days ago’. Satisfied, the wife apologized to her husband.
Several days later the husband is lounging on the sofa when his wife comes up behind him and snacks him over the head.
‘WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?’, he roared, leaping up and holding his head in pain.
The wife tossed the phone at him and said ‘Your horse called’.
A man and his son were walking together
Husband says to his wife
17.
A wise old man was sitting at the river bank.
He saw a cat that had fallen into the river struggling to save itself from drowning.
The man decided to save the cat.
He stretched out his hand towards the cat but the cat scratched him.
He pulled his hand back in pain.
However, a few minutes later he stretched out his hand again to save the cat, but it scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain.
A few minutes later he was again trying for the third time!
A man, who was nearby watching what was happening, yelled out,
“O wise man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time?”
The wise man paid no heed to that man’s scolding and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat.
He then walked over to the man and patted his shoulder saying:
“My son It is in the cat’s nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy.”
Why do you want me to let the cat’s nature overcome mine?
“My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs, no matter what they are like and no matter how numerous their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes.
And do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions.”
So never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person did not deserve it.
Jesus treats us according to His nature, just think where we would be if He were to treat us as per our nature.
That is why He saves us in spite of ourselves.
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two men at a bus stop
A wise old man was sitting at the river bank.
He saw a cat that had fallen into the river struggling to save itself from drowning.
The man decided to save the cat.
He stretched out his hand towards the cat but the cat scratched him.
He pulled his hand back in pain.
However, a few minutes later he stretched out his hand again to save the cat, but it scratched him again, and again he pulled his hand back in pain.
A few minutes later he was again trying for the third time!
A man, who was nearby watching what was happening, yelled out,
“O wise man, you have not learned your lesson the first time, nor the second time, and now you are trying to save the cat a third time?”
The wise man paid no heed to that man’s scolding and kept on trying until he managed to save the cat.
He then walked over to the man and patted his shoulder saying:
“My son It is in the cat’s nature to scratch, and it is in my nature to love and have sympathy.”
Why do you want me to let the cat’s nature overcome mine?
“My son, treat people according to your nature, not according to theirs, no matter what they are like and no matter how numerous their actions that harm you and cause you pain sometimes.
And do not pay heed to all the voices that loudly call out to you to leave behind your good qualities merely because the other party is not deserving of your noble actions.”
So never regret the moments you gave happiness to someone, even if that person did not deserve it.
Jesus treats us according to His nature, just think where we would be if He were to treat us as per our nature.
That is why He saves us in spite of ourselves.
A little old lady was walking her dog
Two men at a bus stop
18.
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a veterinarian for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead lay down and wallow in the grass when they are pregnant.
The man hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means HE has to impregnate the sheep.
So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has make love with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.
Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn’t take, and loads them in the truck again.
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around.
One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods.
He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep.
He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.”
A fisherman was lying on a beautiful beach
A young teen aged girl was a call girl
19.
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
This little kid is walking up the street with his Daddy.
They see two dogs going at it.
The little kid says “Hey daddy what are those doggies doing?”
The father says “Ahh, they’re making a puppy.”
That night the little kid walks in on his mother & father and daddies on top driving it home to mama!
The little kid says “Hey daddy what were you doing with Mommy?”
He says “Oh, we’re making it a baby.”
The kid says, “Turn her over, I want a puppy!”
A wife was in bed with her lover
Grandpa and Johnny are sitting on a bench
20.
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
An Irish man went to the courthouse to change his name legally changed.
When he replied, the desk clerk asked “Can I help you sir?”
Our man said “Yes, I would like to change my name.”
“What is your current name?” asked the clerk.
“Martin backside,” replied the man.
The clerk laughed, and said “I can see why you want a change. What would you like your new name to be?”
“Tim.”
A hunter goes into the woods
A Girl Scout troop leader
21.
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
The pilot announced, “Uh, Folks, we just experienced some turbulence, which caused some engine troubles on our left wing.
Luckily, this jet is equipped with 4 engines, and we still have 3 functional engines!
Because of the engine issues we will be arriving at our destination 30 minutes later than scheduled.”
The passengers all groaned and went back to sleeping, reading, and watching their movies.
Not long afterwards, they felt more turbulence, and again heard the pilot say,
“OK so we just lost our second engine, but not to worry, we are still running well on two engines.
We will arrive at our destination 1 hour later than scheduled.”
The passengers exchanged worried looks and started talking among themselves.
Again, they felt the jet dip and rumble, and again, they heard the pilot say,
“We lost our third engine, and we will arrive 2 hours later than scheduled at our destination.
My apologies for the inconveniences this delay is causing all of you.”
This time, a frustrated looking passenger wearing a business suit stood up and yelled,
“At this rate, if we lose another engine, it’ll take all day to get there!”
Three women die together
The detective walks around the scene
22.
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window.
Dylan ran over and rang the doorbell three times.
After no one answered for a few minutes, he opened the door to see broken glass everywhere, a lamp lying on the ground, and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch.
Dylan asked, “Who are you?”
The fat man replied, “I am a genie you have freed from that lamp.”
Dylan questioned, “Oh man, do I get three wishes?”
The genie replied, “Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one.”
Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, “I want to be the best golfer ever.”
The surprised genie said, “You sure?
Most people wish for money, but okay.
Now your wife gets one wish.”
Dylan brought over his wife who wished right away, “I want a million dollars every week of my life.”
The genie said, “Granted. And now for my wish, I have been cramped up in that lamp for many years so its been a while since I’ve been with a woman. I want one day of wild, crazy sex with your wife, Dylan.”
Dylan said, “No way!”
The genie replied, “Not even for a million dollars a week?”
Dylan turned to his wife, who said, “I guess for all that, I should. Well, not until Dylan leaves.”
Dylan said, “Okay, have fun, I guess,” and left.
Dylan’s wife then proceeded to have wild make love for the rest of the day with the genie.
When they were finished, the genie asked how old her husband was.
She said, “Forty-five.”
The Genie laughed and said, “Isn’t he a little old to be believing in genies?”
Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner
They each go into the woods find a bear
23.
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
24.
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
A group of blondes walk into a bar
A woman said to her friend
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, “I’ve got news for you. You’re going straight to hell!”
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, “Man, I’m on the wrong bus!”
A group of blondes walk into a bar
A woman said to her friend
25.
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish.
He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn’t help but to think that he had met her before.
“I can’t help feeling that we’ve met before.” he said.
“Yeah, I know,” sighed the girl stretching.
“It happens to me a lot.
I think they call this ‘de ja mating.’
Jones who had been away on an extended trip
A blonde is pregnant
26.
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
Three fathers we sitting in a bar bragging to each other about how successful each of their sons was.
The first father declared, “my son is a successful doctor. In fact, he just bought his best friend a brand new car.”
“That’s all fine and good.” Said the second father.
“But my son is a successful lawyer. He just bought his best friend a brand new yacht!”
“Ha!” Laughed the third father.
“My son in an incredibly successful CEO of a large company. He just bought his friend his own private jet!”
Just then, a fourth father walked in and sat down with them.
“What does your son do?” asked the first father.
“My son is a gay stripper.” The fourth father replied.
The other fathers looked at each other.
“You must be disappointed in how his life turned out then.”
“Nah.” said the fourth father.
“In fact, he has three boyfriends and they all just bought him a car, a yacht, and a private jet.”
A young man was watching the news
The English teacher called Peter
27.
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
How to catch an elephant.
Go out deep into a forest that an elephant might be in.
Start digging a really big pit, it also needs to be relatively deep.
Take a knife and scrape off the bark of some of the trees in the forest.
Once you have about 2 pounds of tree bark, return to the home you dug and throw all of the bark into it.
Throw a lit match into the pit, after the bark has been burnt, it will create s ton of ash.
Lay down 20 peas equally far apart in a circle around the ash pit and then wait in a hiding spot.
Stay there until you spot an elephant and when the elephant goes to take a pea you kick it in the ash hole.
After their baby was born
Jenny was explaining to her husband
28.
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
A recently divorced man, heartbroken and down on his luck, comes across a magical genie lamp Thinking his luck has finally changed, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
“I am an all and powerful genie you get three wishes, but I must tell you in advance, anything you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
So the man thinks for a few moments and asks for his first wish.
“I want a beautiful mansion.”
The genie grants his wish of a brand new, beautiful mansion, and his ex-wife got 2 beautiful mansions.
A few minutes later he asks for his second wish.
“I want 100 millions dollars.”
The genie grants his wish of 100 million dollars and his ex-wife got 200 million dollars.
On his final wish he takes some time to really think of what he wants finally… he asks for his third wish.
“I want you to scare me half to death.”
A old man is eating his lunch
A very wealthy lawyer
29.
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,
“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.
Insurance doesn’t work quite like that
An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
“If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A man was telling his co-worker
Are you still going to that memory clinic
Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said,
“We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute.
Insurance doesn’t work quite like that
An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.”
There was a long pause, and then Susan replied,
“If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”
A man was telling his co-worker
Are you still going to that memory clinic
30.
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
A young lady was waiting for her flight in the boarding room of a big airport.
As she would need to wait for a long time, she decided to buy a book to read and a packet of cookies to snack on.
She sat down in an armchair in the VIP room of the airport to relax and read in peace.
A man sat down in the next seat, opened his magazine and started reading when she took out the first cookie, the man took one also.
She felt irritated but said nothing.
She just thought: “What a nerve! If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
For each cookie she took, the man took one too this was infuriating her but she didn’t want to cause a scene.
When only one cookie remained, she thought: “Aaah… What will this rude man do now?”
Then the man, taking the last cookie, divided it into half, giving her one-half that was too much!
She was really angry now.
In a huff, she took her book, the rest of her things and stormed off to the boarding place.
For the next hours, she found it hard to forget what happened.
She couldn’t even focus reading her book how dare that guy, right?
When she sat down in her seat on the plane, she looked into her purse to take out her reading glasses, and to her surprise, her packet of cookies was there, untouched and unopened.
She felt so ashamed.
She realized that she was wrong.
She had forgotten that her cookies were kept in her purse.
The man had divided his cookies with her, without feeling angered or bitter, while she had been very angry, thinking that she was dividing her cookies with him.
And now there was no chance to explain herself… nor to apologize have you ever lost your cool and then realized later that you were in the wrong?
I’m sure that most of us have let’s save ourselves some embarrassment and make sure that we are in possession of all of the facts before reacting.
There are four things you can never recover… The stone after the throw;
The word after it’s said; The occasion after the loss, and The time after it’s gone.
A beggar knocked at the door
A poor boy who was selling goods
Tags:
eng jokes