1.
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day.
Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”
“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”
So they approached God with their plea.
God sat for a moment, pondering the request.
Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.
God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.
Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry.
This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good.
The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.
God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”
This young couple invited their parson
He picked up the phone
A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day.
Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. “Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?”
“Hmmm,” replied St. Peter, “I don’t recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let’s take it up with God and see what he says.”
So they approached God with their plea.
God sat for a moment, pondering the request.
Then he looked down and said, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage.
God paused for quite a while, musing over their request.
Then he spoke, “Come back in five years and ask me again.”
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God’s permission for the third time to marry.
This time God smiled broadly and thundered, “Yes my children, you may marry!”
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until…
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good.
The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn’t last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder.
God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, “Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!”
This young couple invited their parson
He picked up the phone
2.
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
The English teacher called Peter for a graded recitation.
“Peter, recite a sentence that begins with I.”
Peter thought for a moment and slowly said, “I is the…”
The teacher interrupted him and said,
“No, Peter. You say ‘I am’ instead of ‘I is’. Now, try again.”
“Okay,” Peter said. “I am the ninth letter of the English alphabet.”
Three fathers we sitting in a bar
Ana sets up her friend Jenny
3.
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
There was once a couple that had been married for 20 years.
They had a fine love life, with one exception:
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights completely.
Well, at first it wasn’t so annoying, but after so many years of marriage the wife felt it was foolish.
She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit.
So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down and saw her husband was holding a specially made pleasure device.
She got very angry.
“You impotent bastard!” she screamed at him.
“How could you have been lying to me all these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly:
“I’ll explain the toy if you explain the kids.”
A husband said to his wife
A man and his wife were having an argument
4.
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”
He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man had been drinking
A blonde was complaining to her friend
A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed.
He’s laying in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
His wife wakes up and asks, “What the hell was that?”
He replies, “Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing.”
She thinks to herself “I’m gonna fix him.”
Then she lets one loose.
He yells at her, “What was that?”
She replies “Touchdown, tie score.”
Now he thinks, “I’m gonna fix her.”
He’s laying there for about 10 minutes trying to work one up.
He tries so hard he shits in bed.
The wife asks, “Now what the hell was that?”
He replied, “Half time, switch sides.”
A man had been drinking
A blonde was complaining to her friend
5.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem:
The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
Look, it’s not the same hat.
Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.
One day the ship had an accident and sunk.
The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said:
OK. I give up. What’d you do with the boat?
Three women are talking about
There was an old lady who was very small
6.
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not what I want.
I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
Girl: “Oh. You’ll have to see my father about that because I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
A young farm girl answers the door and sees an older neighbor there.
Girl: “My father isn’t home, but I know what you want and I can help you.
You want our bull to service your cow.
Well, my father charges one hundred dollars for his best bull.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have a young bull who is just starting out.
My father charges fifty dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not I want.”
Girl: “We have an old bull out in the pasture.
He can still do a job.
My father charges only ten dollars for him.”
Neighbor: “That’s not what I want.
I came here to see your father about your brother.
Your brother Elmer made my daughter pregnant.”
Girl: “Oh. You’ll have to see my father about that because I don’t know what he charges for Elmer.”
The doctor and his wife were playing golf
Sophie and Shirley two elderly widows
7.
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.
“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said.
“I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”
“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly.
“Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”
“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”
Kid and cop
Two blondes had driven across the country
8.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out.
“What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!”
Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch.
“We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
Jane gasped. “Oh my God- that must have been horrible!”
“Tell me about it,” replied Sam. “For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…”
A Man Was Driving Down the Road
A group of kindergartners were trying
9.
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile ?
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
Actual Instruction Labels
1) All of your friends have @ in their names
2) You can’t call your mother…she doesn’t have a modem
3) Your spouse makes a new rule… Computers don’t come to bed.
4) You laugh at people with 56K modems.
5) You start tilting your head to smile ?
6) Your phone bill comes to your house in a box
7) You find yourself typing com after every period
8) You start introducing your self
Dennis Fowler Gym Dilemma
Actual Instruction Labels
10.
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
Once upon a time a river ran through a green field.
There lived an ant beside the stream.
One day the ant went to stream to drink water.
While drinking water, suddenly the ant fell into the running water.
“Help! Help!” shouted the ant but no one heard him.
A dove was sitting on a tree near the stream and saw the miserable condition of the ant.
The dove felt pity very quickly the dove broke off a wide leaf and throw nearer to the ant.
The little ant climbed onto the leaf soon the leaf struck in some reeds and the ant climbed onto the bank.
What a lucky escape!
After a few days the ant was looking for food beside the stream.
He stood still hearing the cooing of a dove.
The ant saw that it was the same dove that saved his life.
It was very happy to see the dove and wanted to show his gratefulness by waving but of no use.
Then to his utter horror he found a hunter carrying a bow and an arrow.
The hunter quietly drew took his gun and aimed at the dove.
Just at that moment the ant bit very seriously on the hunter’s leg.
So, the hunter’s aim failed and it hit a branch of the tree.
The dove flapped her wings and flew off in a hurry.
The hunter bent down to look
There was a tiny red mark on his leg.
And the ant? It was nowhere to bee seen!
A Samurai who was known
A teacher in New York
11.
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
A blonde had just gotten a new car
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
A man walks into a store to buy a Barbie doll for his daughter.
“How much is that Barbie in the window?”, he asks the shop assistant.
In a manner she responds, “Which Barbie? We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $395.00. ”
The guy asks, “Why is Divorced Barbie different from all the others ?
“That’s obvious,” the assistant states, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
A blonde had just gotten a new car
A small boy is sent to bed by his father
12.
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
A young couple got married and went away on their honeymoon.
After two weeks they came back and finally put away all of the presents they received from friends and family.
Since this was a new home, the process took some time.
A week later, they received two tickets in the mail for a popular show where tickets were impossible to get.
They were very excited and warmed by the gesture of the person who sent this.
Inside the envelope, however, was only a small piece of paper with a single line, “Guess who sent them.”
The pair had much fun trying to identify the donor but failed in the effort.
They went to the theater and had a wonderful time.
On their return home late at night, still trying to guess the identity of the unknown host, they found the house stripped of every article of value.
And on the bare table in the dining room was a piece of paper on which was written in the same hand as the enclosure with the tickets:
“Now you know!”
She comes home to find her husband in bed
A old man and his grand daughter were sitting
13.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
14.
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
An elderly wealthy man walks into a bank New York City and asks for the loan officer.
He says he’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the elderly man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, which costs quarter of a million dollars.
“The car is parked on the street in front of the bank,” says the man, “and I have all the necessary papers.”
The bank officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
After the old man leaves, the loan officer, the bank’s president and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Rolls Royce as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
One of the employees drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the elderly wealthy man man returns, repays the $5000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, “Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you’re a multimillionaire. Why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The old man replies, “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41?”
A accountant is in a car travelling
Two guys were playing golf
15.
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday.
During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: “Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second Guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third Guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they ask him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth Guy: “I don’t want to talk about it. Let’s just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday.”
A couple had been married for 45 years
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
16.
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
About 3:30 in the morning, a wife wakes up to find she is alone in the bed and she can hear her husband crying uncontrollably
She gets up and starts to look for him.
He’s not in the bathroom, living room, or in the kitchen
As she passes the laundry room, she hears his faint sniffles coming from the basement.
She turns on the light and goes downstairs to find him
Finally, she finds him huddled in the corner, rolled up into a ball, and crying hysterically.
She runs over to him and asks why he is crying.
He says, “Do you remember when we got married twenty (20) years ago?”
She looks at him and says, “Yes”.
He says, “Well, a couple of months before, your dad said that I could marry you or go to jail.”
She says, “I already know that
I don’t see what the problem is.”
He says, “Don’t you see!!! I would have gotten out today!”
A man’s wife asks him to go to the store
A mother took her little boy to church
17.
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says
“Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search’”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying coc@@@@@@ine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a boom!”
A old man was seated by the shoreline
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in between them.
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he’s allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he’s a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.
“His name is Sniffer, and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says
“Watch this. He tells Sniffer to ‘search’”.
Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “Good boy”, and he turns to the man and says:
“That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Say, that’s pretty neat.” replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent’s arm.
The agent says, “That man is carrying coc@@@@@@ine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“I like it!” says his seatmate.
The agent then tells Sniffer to “search” again.
Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, “What’s going on?”
The agent nervously replies, “He just found a boom!”
A old man was seated by the shoreline
A doctor goes out and buys the best car
18.
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.
Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
“Pardon me,” she said, “I’m sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable It’s just that you look just like my son who just died recently.”
“I’m very sorry,” replied the young man, “Is there anything I can do for you?”
“Yes,” she said.
“As I’m leaving, can you say ‘Goodbye mother’? It would make me feel much better.”
“Sure,” answered the young man as the old woman was leaving, he called out, “Goodbye mother!”
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50
“How can that be?” he asked, “I only purchased a few things!”
“Your mother said that you would pay for her,” said the clerk.
A man went to a gift store
A security guard has a dream
19.
Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close
Two medical students were walking along the street.
When they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought but you are wrong.”
So they asked him, “Well, old-timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas but I was wrong, too!”
The old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon
Two old men decide they are close
20.
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his tool.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
There are three women
Why do you want to talk to me
A husband suspected his wife was cheating on him.
He explained his situation to a pet shop owner who replied,
“I have a parrot that will let you know daily what goes on in your house.
The bird has no legs, so he holds onto his perch with his tool.”
Reluctantly, the husband brought the bird home.
At the end of the first day, the man asked the bird, “Did anything happen today?”
The parrot said, “Yes, the milk man came over.”
The man asked, “What did he do with my wife?”
The bird said, “I don’t know; I got hard and fell.”
There are three women
Why do you want to talk to me
21.
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip:
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says.
“I’ve just been molested!”
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.
So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just flirted.
The driver thought he had a busload of old wackos, but who would be flirting with these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she’d too.
The bus driver decides that he’d had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
“Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?” Says the bus driver.
“I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!”
A old man and his wife are in bed
A old lady calls 911 late one night
22.
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, “Wow! You wouldn’t believe the dream I had…”
The wife replies, “Yes, go on tell me.”
So the husband says “I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married.”
The wife says, “Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare.”
The husband says, “No, I am sure it was a dream.”
She told her mother
A man and his wife were sitting
23.
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
A man went into a bar in a high rise
A woman was nagging her husband to cut the grass
24.
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
“You know,” he says, “I’ve heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let’s talk.”
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” says the guy. “How about nuclear power?”
“OK,” says the blonde.
“That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first:
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff–grass.
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?”
The guy is dumbfounded. Finally, he replies, “I haven’t the slightest idea.”
“So tell me,” says the blonde,
“How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know jack sh*t??”
One man was reading the newspaper
A 6th grade teacher asks a question
25.
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, “I heard you died.”
“But you see I’m alive,” smiled the ex-patient.
“Impossible,” said the psychiatrist.
“I was told you’d died by a colleague who’s had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion’s bound to be much more reliable than yours.”
A lawyer a stop over by a Scottish police officer
A man goes into a bar and seats himself
26.
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
A guy is at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted, while St.Peter is leafing through the big book to see if the guy is worthy of entering.
Saint Peter goes through the book several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, “You know, I can’t see that you did anything really good in your life, but, you never did anything bad either.
Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you’re in.”
The guy thinks for a moment and says, “Well, there was the time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a group of biker guys gathered around this poor girl.
I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, there were about 20 of ’em tormenting this girl.”
“Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear.
As I walked up to the leader, the gang formed a circle around me so, I ripped the leader’s chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.
Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, ‘Leave this poor, innocent girl alone! You’re all a bunch of sick, deranged animals!
Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!
St.Peter, impressed, says, “Really? When did this happen?”
“Oh, about two minutes ago.”
They were reaching a stalemate
The General went out to find
27.
A young pure couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
“Pop, what do I do first?”
“Get undressed and climb into bed,” his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
“Get undressed and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
“Now what do I do?” he asks.
His father replies, “Look at her undressed body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama.
“What do I do now?” she asks.
“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.
“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
A young couple met with their pastor
9-year old son comes home
A young pure couple is finally wed.
Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither is willing to admit it or ask each other about it.
Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father.
“Pop, what do I do first?”
“Get undressed and climb into bed,” his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised.
The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
“Get undressed and join him,” is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
“Now what do I do?” he asks.
His father replies, “Look at her undressed body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she urinates!” is the dad’s advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama.
“What do I do now?” she asks.
“Well, what is he doing?” mama asks.
“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”
A young couple met with their pastor
9-year old son comes home
28.
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
One night a lady came home from her weekly prayer meeting, found she was being robbed, and she shouted out, “Acts 2:38: ‘Repent & be baptized & your sins will be forgiven.'”
The robber quickly gave up & the lady rang the police.
While handcuffing the criminal, a policeman said, “Gee mate, you gave up pretty easily.
How come you gave up so quickly?”
The robber said, “She said she had an axe and two 38’s!”
A radical feminist is getting on a bus
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church
29.
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
A country guy in a bar was becoming irritated by a flash city type with a vacuous blonde on his arm.
Both had loud, braying voices and a seemingly endless supply of cash.
Eventually the country guy went up to him and said: “You know, you’ve got yourself a real trophy girlfriend there.”
“Why do you think she’s a trophy girlfriend?” said the city boy proudly.
“Is it because she’s got long blonde hair and lovely melons?”
“No,” said the country boy, “because she’s got big ears.”
A gang of armed robbers
A new bar manager at a country
30.
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely.
‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’
A man meets a woman at a bar
A elderly woman went into the doctor
A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
‘We need a fourth for poker,’ said the friend.
‘I’ll be right over,’ whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?’
‘Oh yes, quite serious,’ said the doctor gravely.
‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!’
A man meets a woman at a bar
A elderly woman went into the doctor
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eng jokes