1.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.
In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, “I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!”
The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he’s had the same dream, too.
Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, “That’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing!”
A boy is selling fish on a corner
They slip into a nearby cemetery
2.
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
A man has been drinking all day at a bar.
Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.
“I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder.
At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his blissfully sleeping wife and passes out.
The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”
The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers we didn’t drink much just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”
She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair’s there, idiot.”
A man hankering after some chili
Two pigeons are sitting on a roof
3.
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifts his wife’s coat to show their predicament.
The man asks, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”
“Well, yes,” the doctor replies,
“but not framed like that.”
Little Mary was not the best student
A junior manager a senior manager and their boss
4.
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side.
“Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants.
I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.
They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large.
I said to her, ‘Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.’
Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem.”
Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night.
Then, Jill took off her underwear and gave them to Brian.
“Try these on,” she said.
Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small.
“What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your underwear,” said Brian.
“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”
A drunken man walked into a bar
A young sailor was sitting in a bar
5.
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
My son’s teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.
At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.
“You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style.”
“Oh, wow, that’s—”
“And I have a Master’s from Cornell.”
“Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—”
“You don’t even have a degree! You think you know what your son needs?
You probably don’t even know parts of speech.
Tell me, OP, how do you feel about ‘pronouns’?”
“Well, I think they is great
On the outskirts of a small town
A man walks into a rooftop bar
6.
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
Two well-dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the Brisbane Airport Terminal.
The first lady was an arrogant Victorian married to a wealthy business man.
The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from Mount Isa, Queensland.
After a little while the Victorian woman started by saying, “When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me.”
The lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful Mercedes-Benz again, the lady from Mount Isa commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman went on, “Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”
Yet again, the Mount Isa lady commented, “Well, isn’t that fantastic?”
The first woman then asked, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”
“My husband sent me to charm school,” declared the Mount Isa lady.
“Charm school?” the first woman cried, “What on earth could they teach you?”
A guy calls a company and orders
A man told joke
7.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
8.
Two bachelors are talking and their conversation drifts from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook last Christmas,” says the first, “but I was never able to do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asks the second.
“You said it
Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and …”
Bonus Joke: Brave Pig
A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig.
“That animal saved my life twice,” he said
“Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank
Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids.”
The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal
One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.
“Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?” he asks.
“Neither
An animal like that you don’t eat all at once!”
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
A group of frogs were traveling
Two bachelors are talking and their conversation drifts from politics to cooking.
“I got a cookbook last Christmas,” says the first, “but I was never able to do anything with it.”
“Too much fancy cooking in it, eh?” asks the second.
“You said it
Every one of the recipes began the same way, ‘Take a clean dish and …”
Bonus Joke: Brave Pig
A farmer was in the pub bragging about his pig.
“That animal saved my life twice,” he said
“Once I fell into the river and he jumped in and dragged me to the bank
Another time my house caught on fire and he ran in and saved me, the wife and kids.”
The farmer passes around a picture of the miraculous animal
One of the guys notices the pig is missing a leg.
“Which accident did the pig lose its leg in?” he asks.
“Neither
An animal like that you don’t eat all at once!”
A nine-year-old kid sitting at desk
A group of frogs were traveling
9.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kiting.”
Jimmy got home early from school
A aged farmer and his wife
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.
As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.
They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch.
At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?” She leaned over the counter and said, “Burr-gerr Kiting.”
Jimmy got home early from school
A aged farmer and his wife
10.
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
Bill walks into a bar and finds his friend Joe sitting on a stool.
“Joe,” Bill said, “I’m glad to see that your wife finally let you out of the house.”
“Things have been different with my wife,” Joe said.
“In fact, just the other day, I decided to show her who was the boss.”
“How did you do that?” asked Bill.
“I simply said to her, ‘Mabel, we are going to have it out right now, and I am going to show you who the boss is in this relationship’.”
“What happened?”
“Well, I don’t want to brag, but I managed to get her on her hands and knees.”
“How did you do that?”
“I was hiding under the bed at the time.”
Two doctors were in a hospital
A husband went to a doctor to talk
11.
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
A man was being interviewed for a job.
“Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.
“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.
“Did you see any active duty?”
“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”
“May I ask what happened?”
“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”
“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”
“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”
“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”
Sarah was reading a newspaper
A man walks into a bank and says
12.
A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors!
That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
A lawyer is talking to his client
Three women worked in the same office
A co-worker told John that John’s wife was being unfaithful everyday at 1:30 in the afternoon with John’s best friend.
Worried and hurt, John ran home at 1:30 to see if this was true.
He came back to the office contented and relieved.
His co-worker asked him how it went.
“Look,” said John. “Don’t start such terrible rumors!
That guy isn’t my best friend… I don’t even know him.”
A lawyer is talking to his client
Three women worked in the same office
13.
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
“Brown bears are usually harmless they avoid contact with humans so we suggest you attach small bells to your rucksacks and give the bears time to get out of your way.”
However, grizzly bears are extremely dangerous.
If you see any grizzly bear droppings leave the area immediately.
“So how do we know if they’re grizzly bear droppings?” asks one of the ramblers.
“It’s easy,” replies the ranger.
“They’re full of small bells.”
He didn’t speak for two years
A old Man walked into the bank
14.
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man was driving along the highway
A blind man goes to a restaurant
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says, hello.
He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?”
To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my bum with wet celery?”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
A man was driving along the highway
A blind man goes to a restaurant
15.
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
She called him on the mobile
A Burglar Invades A House
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark
You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added,
“I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
She called him on the mobile
A Burglar Invades A House
16.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict, look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants make love, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was queer, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”
Dylan was practicing his golf swing
A affair with his secretary
17.
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
A man and his wife were driving down the road and talking.
The wife asked her husband, “Honey if I were to die, would you get remarried?”
The husband thought for a moment and then said, “Well, yes I think I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this, she spent some time in quiet thought.
Then, after a while she said, “Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?”
“Well honey, I guess I would.”
The wife wasn’t too happy about this either.
She spent a little more time in thought while they continued their drive and then said,
“Honey, if I were to die and you were to get remarried, would you give your new wife my handbags?”
The husband paused for a moment and then said, “Well sure, I think I would.”
The wife was again a little dismayed with this and spent a little more time in thought.
Then she said to her husband, “Honey if I were to die and you were to get married again would you give your new wife my golf clubs?”
“No,” he said, “she’s left-handed.”
A man working in an IT company
A man and his wife enter a dentist
18.
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
An old man of about 70 years age went to the Bank to give his life certificate.
The young cute lady was very nice and polite.
She thanked him and said “OK Sir”.
He asked her “Do you think that I am alive?”
She was shocked. She looked at him and he smiled.
He said “Miss, you did not check my pulse, you did not check my heartbeat, you neither checked my eyes’ reaction for mental activity. So how did you conclude that I am still alive?”
She smiled mischievously, looked at him and said “Sir, if you think you are not alive, please bring your DEATH CERTIFICATE”.
They both laughed heartily.
Nice flirtation at 70!!!.
The pastors wife bought a dress
He gets a checkup with his physician
19.
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard.
Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head.
He then said: “Sorry, dudes… but MY DAD is the fastest. He’s a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,… and he’s home by 3:45!”
A rabbit hops into a pub and asks the bartender
A mother was teaching her child
20.
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
21.
A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello?”
Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes.”
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900
Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.”
Man: “How much?”
Woman: “80.000.”
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.”
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.”
Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.”
Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Love you too, bye!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar
I left three envelopes in your desk
A mobile phone on a bench rings, and a man puts the phone on speaker and begins to talk as he puts on his golf shoes.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Man: “Hello?”
Woman: “Honey, its me. Are you at the club?”
Man: “Yes.”
Woman: “I’m at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It’s only 1200 dollars right now, down from 1900
Is it okay if I buy it?”
Man: “Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.”
Woman: “Oh, thanks so very much. I also stopped by the Mercedes garage this morning and saw the new models. There was one that I really, really liked.”
Man: “How much?”
Woman: “80.000.”
Man: “OK, but for that price I want it with all the optional extras.”
Woman: “Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house that we looked at last year is back on the market. They’re asking 1,500,000.”
Man: “Well then, go ahead and make them an offer, but no more than 1,250,000.”
Woman: “Wow, great! I’ll see you later! I love you!”
Man: “Love you too, bye!”
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in absolute astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks, “Anyone know whose phone this is?”
A Blonde Guy walks into a bar
I left three envelopes in your desk
22.
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his weapon into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my weapon into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
Two couples go on vacation together
A young lady is buying a box
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years.
One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his weapon into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own.
A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen.
His wife asks, “What’s wrong, Bill?”
“Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my weapon into the pickle slicer?”
His wife gasps, “My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill — I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, um, she got fired, too.”
Two couples go on vacation together
A young lady is buying a box
23.
Michael was thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God: “Why did you make her so kind-hearted?”
The Lord responded: “So you could love her my son”
Next question: “Why did you make her so good-looking?”
Reply: “So you could love her my son”
Third one: “Why did you make her such a good cook?”
Response: “So you could love her my son.”
Michael thought about this for a while, and then he said:
“I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything. But why did you make her so stupid?”
Without hesitation came the answer: “So she could love you, my son.”
A software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart
Little Johnny and Billy are walking
Michael was thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.
He asked God: “Why did you make her so kind-hearted?”
The Lord responded: “So you could love her my son”
Next question: “Why did you make her so good-looking?”
Reply: “So you could love her my son”
Third one: “Why did you make her such a good cook?”
Response: “So you could love her my son.”
Michael thought about this for a while, and then he said:
“I don’t mean to seem ungrateful or anything. But why did you make her so stupid?”
Without hesitation came the answer: “So she could love you, my son.”
A software engineer saw a bull pulling a cart
Little Johnny and Billy are walking
24.
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” one gay says to the other.
“All these unhappy babies.. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!”
The nurse says,
“Oh sure, he’s happy now but just watch what happens,…
When we pull the thermometer out of his ass
An american was touring Mexico
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
Two gay men decide to have a baby.
They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.
Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” one gay says to the other.
“All these unhappy babies.. and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the Superiority of gay love!”
The nurse says,
“Oh sure, he’s happy now but just watch what happens,…
When we pull the thermometer out of his ass
An american was touring Mexico
Romantic Love Night After 50 Years
25.
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.
The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their love lives.
After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.
The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather coat.
When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels.
He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!’
The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When my fiance got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps.
He was so turned on that we not only had make love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!’
The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s.
I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?
A boss says to his secretary
The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance
26.
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two doctors were in a hospital
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
Two elderly ladies have been friends
Two doctors were in a hospital
27.
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
A lawyer trying to get tickets to a Broadway show, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance.
When the exciting night arrived and he sat down in his seat, a woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused.
The lawyer replied that his wife couldn’t make it.
The woman asked him if he didn’t have relatives or friends who could have used the seat.
He replied, “Oh, they’re all at the funeral.”
A wood-chopping contest
A Policeman Catches A Man
28.
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
Attending a wedding for the first time,
A little girl whispered to her mother,
“Why is the bride dressed in white?”
“Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day of her life,”
Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said,
“So, why’s the groom wearing black?”
A couple went on vacation to a fishing
A Married Couple Are Golfing
29.
A Man asks every night before going to bed:
“Oh Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
So it goes year in and year out Man gets old and rickety over the years,
but every evening he asks: “Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
One evening a voice replied:
“ Man, give me a chance! Buy a lot!
A man goes to the doctor
During a visit to a closed institution
A Man asks every night before going to bed:
“Oh Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
So it goes year in and year out Man gets old and rickety over the years,
but every evening he asks: “Lord, make me win the main prize in the lottery!”
One evening a voice replied:
“ Man, give me a chance! Buy a lot!
A man goes to the doctor
During a visit to a closed institution
30.
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
Two ladies are walking their dogs.
As they pass a department store, one lady says,
“Let’s go in and do some shopping.”
The other lady says, “We can’t go in there with our dogs.”
The first says, “Sure we can. Follow my lead.”
She puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
The doorman stops and says, “You can’t bring that dog in here.”
She replies, “This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Doberman seeing-eye dog?”
“Yes. He’s very smart and reliable.” And he lets her in.
The second lady puts on her sunglasses and walks in.
Again the doorman says she can’t bring her dog in.
“This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The doorman says, “A Chihuahua seeing-eye dog?”
She says, “A CHIHUAHUA? THEY GAVE ME A CHIHUAHUA?”
A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home
Johnny Comes Home With A Porsche
Tags:
eng jokes