1.
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
A man enters a barbershop for a shave.
While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
“I have just the thing,” says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. “Just place this between your cheek and gum.”
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech, “And what if I swallow it?”
“No problem,” says the barber. “Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.”
A man and a friend are playing golf
Three guys were drinking in a pub
2.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table…
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.
The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,”
she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”
So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together.
Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar.
They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap.
He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is.
He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital
A Mafia Godfather finds out
3.
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
After 50 Years of Marriage, A Couple Was in Bed at Night, Then Wife Felt Something
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
4.
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver’s window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over. “No,” the man replied.
“You failed to stop at the stop sign,” the cop explained.
“But I did slow down!” the guy argued.
The cop shook his head.
“You are required to stop. That’s why they’re called stop signs.”
The man started to get belligerent. “Stop, slow down what’s the difference?”
The cop pulled out his baton. “I can show you. I’m going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down.”
The mother asked the doctor
A little girl asked her mother
5.
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners.
His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally.
“Yeah, you’re late sit down and speak up!” he greets the woman.
“Doctor, I’m having difficulty falling pregnant, I’ve been trying for years and to no success.”
The doctor doesn’t look up and says, “Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it.
I’m in a hurry.”
So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says, “Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband’s.”
One late Saturday night a young guy
I have become a victim
In a small rural town the local doctor is known for his abrupt bed-side manners.
His last appointment for the Friday afternoon shows up a bit late, and he is more agitated than normally.
“Yeah, you’re late sit down and speak up!” he greets the woman.
“Doctor, I’m having difficulty falling pregnant, I’ve been trying for years and to no success.”
The doctor doesn’t look up and says, “Good get rid of the clothes and go lie on the bed, and be quick about it.
I’m in a hurry.”
So the woman walks over to the bed and as she was undressing she slowly and very unsurely says, “Doctor, I actually would have preferred the baby to be my husband’s.”
One late Saturday night a young guy
I have become a victim
6.
A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
A priest is drowning in a river…
A boat comes along and asks to help him. He says “leave me alone, god will save me.”
The next day another boat came along and asked to help him.
Again he said “leave me alone, god will save me. ”
The next day the last boat came and asked to help him.
Once again he told the boat that god will save him. The next day he died.
He went to heaven and asked god “why didn’t you save me.
” God said “I sent you three f*****ing boats and you didn’t take them! “
I was playing a big game of hide and seek
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home
7.
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A old man was in the hospital
A old lady married four times
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said,
“If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said,
“If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week.”
The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The man said, “Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
A old man was in the hospital
A old lady married four times
8.
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied, “You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch.”
A couple in the backyard
A boy was visiting his grandmother
A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.
The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand.
One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.
He asks: “Why are you holding out both of your hands?”
The beggar replied, “You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch.”
A couple in the backyard
A boy was visiting his grandmother
9.
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “Attention all!!” and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says,
“Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”
The drunks replies, “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”
A family is at the dinner table
The nervous young bride became irritated
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “Attention all!!” and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says,
“Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”
The drunks replies, “I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”
A family is at the dinner table
The nervous young bride became irritated
10.
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
An old lady goes to her bank and presents a cheque for Rs 1000/- to the cashier, a young girl.
Cashier: lady, you should withdraw such small amounts from the ATM outside. Don’t waste a cheque leaf and my time.
Old lady: What’s the problem with giving me Rs 1000/- cash?
Cashier: Sorry lady, can’t be done. You either go to the ATM, or increase the amount to be withdrawn.
Old lady: Okay, I want to withdraw all money in my account, keeping a minimum mandatory balance.
The cashier checks her account balance and finds it to be over Rs 80 lakhs!
She says, “we don’t have that much cash in the safe right now. But if you give me a cheque for Rs 80 lakhs, we can arrange the cash tomorrow.”
Old lady: How much can you give me right now?
Cashier: checks the bank’s cash balance lady, I can give you Rs 10 lakhs straight away.
The old lady tears off the earlier cheque of Rs 1000/-, writes a new one for Rs 10 lakhs and hands it to the cashier.
While the young girl is gone to the vault to get the cash, the old lady grabs a cash deposit slip from the public shelf and fills it up.
The young girl returns with the cash, meticulously counts out Rs 10 lakhs, gives it to the old lady and says,
“there you are, lady. Now you will have to carry this pile home on your own. But count your money before leaving the counter. I won’t entertain any complaint later.”
The old lady picks out two notes of Rs 500/- from the pile, puts them in her purse and says,
“I trust you, I don’t need to count. Now, here’s a cash deposit slip. Please deposit Rs 9,99,000/- into my account and give me the stamped and signed counterfoil. And yes, count the cash in my presence.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends
A grandma was cleaning her attic with her cat
11.
A man goes into the confession booth at the church.
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.
“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up.
After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and… well… partied all night, if you catch my drift.”
“That is bad, but not horrible, my son. However, if it’s a one-time slip, God will forgive you,” said the priest.
“That is just the thing,” said the main,
“About a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well… You know, all night long…”
The priest remained silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “What should I do now, father?”
“What should you do??” screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!”
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
Two nuns happened to pass by the beer
A man goes into the confession booth at the church.
“Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”
“What is your sin, my son?” asks the priest.
“Well, about a month ago I was in the library until closing time, and when I wanted to leave it started to rain very heavily and didn’t let up.
After some time, me and the librarian lost our patience and… well… partied all night, if you catch my drift.”
“That is bad, but not horrible, my son. However, if it’s a one-time slip, God will forgive you,” said the priest.
“That is just the thing,” said the main,
“About a week ago I helped my neighbor fix her shutters, and when I wanted to go home it started raining heavily and… well… You know, all night long…”
The priest remained silent.
The man covers his face in his hands and starts sobbing, “What should I do now, father?”
“What should you do??” screamed the priest, “You should get out of here right now before it rains!”
Johnny preschool class went on a field trip
Two nuns happened to pass by the beer
12.
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date.
He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple.
I just say, I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said “No,” he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?”
He said, “Why,… Yes I am!”
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, lovemaking, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already lovemaking someone.
One knight told his best friend
Young lady drove a little yellow sports car
13.
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her.
The supervisor couldn’t believe it: The nurse’s hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her melons was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
“Miss Jennings! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your melons exposed!”
“Oh,” said the nurse, as she stuffed her melons into her uniform, “It’s those darn interns! They never put anything back when they’re through using it!”
Two businessmen were taking
A young lady meet a man in a pub
14.
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.
The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave.
The blonde yet again repeats “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”
The head stewardesses doesn’t even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blonde is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the co-pilot.
The co-pilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear.
She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section.
The head stewardess asks the co-pilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat.
The co-pilot replies, “I told her the front half of the airplane wasn’t going to Jamaica.”
little Timmy made a wish that Santa
The Christmas carol performance
15.
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
A man observed a woman in the grocery store
A man went to the doctor complaining
16.
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room.
She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination.
Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.
Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his undressed patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation.
“Miss Smith,” he said finally, “it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination.”
The Policeman recently stopped a woman
There was this guy at a bar
17.
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The boss calls his secretary
The barber cut his hair the priest
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day the same parrot again said to her, “Hey lady, you are really ugly.”
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, “That’s not good,” and promised he wouldn’t say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, “Hey lady.”
She paused and said, “Yes?”
The bird said, “You know.”
The boss calls his secretary
The barber cut his hair the priest
18.
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand.
She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her melons are so big she can only fasten eight!”
A dude-up city biker
A young naval student
19.
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.
Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives.”
“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane.
“Very good Jane. OK Johnny, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is dead,” says Johnny.
“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”
“He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”
A man was sitting alone in his office
Three rats are sitting at the bar
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy’s do.
Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people’s lives.”
“That’s wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane.
“Very good Jane. OK Johnny, what does your daddy do?”
“My daddy is dead,” says Johnny.
“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”
“He turned blue and shit on the carpet.”
A man was sitting alone in his office
Three rats are sitting at the bar
20.
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle.
She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for lovemaking.
“What’s that?” he asked.
She explained to him what make love was, and he said, “Oh, Tarzan use that hole in trunk of tree.”
Horrified, she said, “Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly.”
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and open her legs.
“Here,” she said, pointing, “You must put it in here.”
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony.
Eventually she managed to gasp, “Why the hell did you do that?”
“Tarzan check for bees!”
A man walking along the beach
This elderly lady went to the doctor
21.
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
Juan always attended Sunday services at his parish but then he began to find that the pastor always said the same things, so he stopped going to church.
On a cold winter’s night two months later, the pastor paid him a visit.
“He must have come to try to convince me to go back,” Juan thought to himself.
He imagined he could not tell the real reason: those boring sermons.
He had to find an excuse, and as he was thinking he pulled two chairs up close to the hearth and began talking about the weather.
The pastor said nothing Juan, after some vain attempts to start up a conversation, sat in silence too they both sat there without speaking, just looking at the fire for close to half an hour.
Then the pastor rose, and with the help of a branch that had not yet burned, pulled an ember aside and placed it far from the fire.
The ember, without enough heat to go on burning, began to go out.
Juan quickly tossed it back into the middle of the fire.
“Good night,” said the pastor, rising to leave.
“Good night and many thanks,” answered Juan.
“No matter how bright it is, an ember removed from the fire will end up going out quickly.
“No matter how clever a man may be, far from his neighbors he will never manage to conserve his heat and his flame.”
The devil decides to them a visit
I Just Gotta See This
22.
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners and shared everything,
including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant.
They told her not to worry and assured her that they would pay all medical costs and would act as co-fathers when the child was born and provide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived.
Both the lawyers were at the hospital pacing the floor in the waiting room.
Finally one of them said,
“I can’t take this, I’m going down to sit in my car and wait there.
Please come down and tell me as soon as the child is born!”
The partner agreed to do that.
About an hour later the partner approached the car with a very grave look on his face.
“What happened?” asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced,
“They were twins and mine died!”
Tax his land, tax his wage
A teacher told her young class
23.
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
A few women were sitting around the table talking, and the subject turned to their husbands.
One lady said, “My husband just won’t go to church with me, I think he’s going to go to Hell.”
This led to talk around the table and it was generally agreed that, for one reason or another, all the husbands were going to end up in Hell.
So, then the housewives started speculating about themselves.
One woman said, “I try to be good – I’m sure I’ll make it to Heaven.”
Another one said, “No, I did this bad thing. I won’t make it unless I mend my ways and I better start soon.”
At this point, they noticed that one of the ladies the only single blonde women in the group wasn’t saying anything.
They turned to her and said, “You’re such a nice lady, surely you’ll be going to Heaven?”
She says “No way! In fact, first thing in the morning, I’m going to buy me a ticket straight to Hell!”
They were shocked and asked, “Why??”
“Well, you don’t expect me to live in a world without men, do you?”
A elderly married couple is having problems
The elderly lady is in the Supermarket
24.
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be a load of rubbish, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table.
The waiter asks, “What would you like to eat today, Sir?”
Man: “I would like an elephant’s ear and a muffin to eat, please.”
Waiter: “Give us just a moment.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he’s going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else.
At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, “Apologies Sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?”
The man is stunned he didn’t think they’d get to this moment.
Man: “Uhhh… An Indian elephant is fine.”
Waiter: “Thank you.”
The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: “And which side did you want the ear from?”
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: “Uhhhh… Left ear, I guess…”
Waiter: “Splendid.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: “Here is your order sir we do apologize, but we are out of muffins for today.”
A Policeman Catches A Man
The priest asks a little Joey
A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be a load of rubbish, but decides to try it out anyway.
He enters and a waiter takes him to a table.
The waiter asks, “What would you like to eat today, Sir?”
Man: “I would like an elephant’s ear and a muffin to eat, please.”
Waiter: “Give us just a moment.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen.
As a few minutes pass by; the man believes he’s going to get an easy $5000 as he thinks they are taking too long and probably preparing something else.
At this moment, the waiter returns.
Appearing a little anxious, the waiter asks, “Apologies Sir, but do you mind telling me what kind of elephant you want this ear from?”
The man is stunned he didn’t think they’d get to this moment.
Man: “Uhhh… An Indian elephant is fine.”
Waiter: “Thank you.”
The waiter goes back to the kitchen.
1 minute later, the waiter returns again.
Waiter: “And which side did you want the ear from?”
The man is starting to sweat bullets at this point.
Man: “Uhhhh… Left ear, I guess…”
Waiter: “Splendid.”
The waiter leaves to the kitchen yet again.
The man is scared as he has no idea how much this ear is going to blast away his wallet.
5 minutes later, the waiter comes back with a platter of food and $5000 for the man.
Waiter: “Here is your order sir we do apologize, but we are out of muffins for today.”
A Policeman Catches A Man
The priest asks a little Joey
25.
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
As Mr.Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.
He called for the three men he trusted most, his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
Mr.Smith told them, “I’m going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die.
At my funeral, I want you each to place the money in my coffin so that try to take it with me.”
All three agreed to do this and were given the money.
At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, “I have to confess something to you fellows.
Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this.
The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the month he gave me and bought one
I only put $20,000 in the coffin.”
The doctor then said, “Well, since we’re confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn’t put the full $30,000 in the coffin either.
Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn’t afford it then.
I used $20,000 of the money he gave to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient
I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.”
The lawyer then said, “I;m ashamed of both of you.
When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal cheque for the full $30,000.”
The pilot safely performs an emergency landing
The boss of a big company needed to call
26.
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
Two man decide to go duck hunting.
Neither one of them has ever been duck hunting before and after several hours they still haven’t bagged any.
One hunter looks at the other and says, “I just don’t understand it.
Why aren’t we getting any ducks?”
Her friend says “I keep telling you, I just don’t think we’re throwing the dog high enough.”
A blonde was suffering
A guy asked a girl in a university library
27.
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the difference between right and wrong.
“All right children, let’s take another example,” she said.
“If I were to get into a man’s pocket and take his wallet with all his money, what would I be?”
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts out,
“You’d be his wife!”
The girl approaches the boy
A lady goes into a bar
28.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?”
The man replied, “Yep, sure do.”
“Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked.
“Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man.
“Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan.
“Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone.
“Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan.
“Yep,” was the calm reply.
“And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan.
“Nope.”
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man calmly replied, “Been married to your sister for over 48 years.”
She calmly writes down his order
A climber fell off a cliff
29.
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper which read: “Purebred Police Dog $25.”
Thinking that it to be a great bargain, she called and ordered the dog to be delivered.
The next day a van arrived at her home and delivered the mangiest-looking mongrel she had ever seen.
In a rage, she telephoned the man who had placed the ad, “How dare you call that mangy-mutt a purebred police dog?”
“Don’t let his looks deceive you, ma’am,” the man replied, “He’s in the Secret Service.”
A baby elephant and a baby turtle
A old man applies for a job as a woodcutter
30.
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
My friend has trouble attracting women
“Every time,” he says, “they always reject me!”
“It’s okay,” I tell him, “Just find the type of person you want to be with and pursue that type of person.”
“I don’t know what type of person I want. I’ve been getting desperate,” he responds,
“I’ve been targeting ONLY fat, ugly women as of lately!”
I look at him puzzled. Then an idea pops into my head.
“I think I know what type of woman you are attracted to!” I say to him.
He sits up. “What type?”
I reply: “feminists”.
A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar
I just made this one up
Tags:
eng jokes