1.
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them.
“I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked.
The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life.
“I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.”
“That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“I’m 93,” said the first old man.
The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life.
“I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.”
“And how old are you?” asked the reporter.
“I’m 91,” said the second old man.
Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life.
“I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.”
“Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?”
“29,” replied the third man.
Lying in the hospital bed a dying man
Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket
2.
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”
“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.
“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
A couple invites their family for dinner
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” you don’t understand.
“I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!”
“Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!” says her mom.
“Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said ‘Prepare from a frozen state,’ so I flew to Alaska!”
A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
A couple invites their family for dinner
3.
One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave.
At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion’s body.
Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep.
He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare you tease me? I will kill you.”
The mouse begged for its life.
It said, ‘’You Majesty, I am a tiny creature If you kill a poor creature like me, it will do you no honor save my life for this time.”
Out of pity the lion let the mouse go.
The Lion and the Mouse Some days after, the lion was caught in a hunter’s net.
Lion tried hard but could not get out he began to roar.
The mouse heard the roar of the lion.
It at once came to the net and said, “Your Majesty, please be quite I will gnaw at the ropes of the net with my little sharp teeth you will be released.”
The mouse cut the net into pieces with its teeth and set the lion free.
The lion said, “Dear little friend, thank you very much you have saved my life.”
Moral of the story: Being kind to someone is never a waste.
Amer tells a story
A teacher shows three toys to a student
One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave.
At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion’s body.
Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep.
He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare you tease me? I will kill you.”
The mouse begged for its life.
It said, ‘’You Majesty, I am a tiny creature If you kill a poor creature like me, it will do you no honor save my life for this time.”
Out of pity the lion let the mouse go.
The Lion and the Mouse Some days after, the lion was caught in a hunter’s net.
Lion tried hard but could not get out he began to roar.
The mouse heard the roar of the lion.
It at once came to the net and said, “Your Majesty, please be quite I will gnaw at the ropes of the net with my little sharp teeth you will be released.”
The mouse cut the net into pieces with its teeth and set the lion free.
The lion said, “Dear little friend, thank you very much you have saved my life.”
Moral of the story: Being kind to someone is never a waste.
Amer tells a story
A teacher shows three toys to a student
4.
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
5.
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
One day Jimmy got home early from school and his mom asked,
“Why are you home so early?”
He answered, “Because I was the only one that answered a question in my class.”
She said, “Wow, my son is a genius. What was the question?”
Jimmy replied, “The question was ‘Who threw the trash can at the principal’s head?'”
What is politics
A husband and wife were driving through
6.
The husband slices his tee shot into the trees.
They find the ball resting behind an oak.
The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him.
“Honey, from here I can see the flag stick why not try to reach the green?”
He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.
The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes.
She is killed instantly.
A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife.
He hits an identical slice they find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.
Just as he’s about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, “Wait, honey! From here I can see…”
“Oh, hell no!” he spurts.
“Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!”
A little girl whispered to her mother
A father was reading a magazine
The husband slices his tee shot into the trees.
They find the ball resting behind an oak.
The man is about to chip out onto the fairway when his wife, standing a few feet behind, stops him.
“Honey, from here I can see the flag stick why not try to reach the green?”
He takes a look, decides to take the shot, and pulls out his 9-iron.
The ball ricochets off the oak hitting his wife directly between the eyes.
She is killed instantly.
A year later the man is playing the same hole with his new wife.
He hits an identical slice they find the ball resting in almost the same spot as before.
Just as he’s about to chip out onto the fairway his new bride says, “Wait, honey! From here I can see…”
“Oh, hell no!” he spurts.
“Last time I tried that shot I got a double-bogey!”
A little girl whispered to her mother
A father was reading a magazine
7.
One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having lovemaking, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”
Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having lovemaking and says “What are you doing?”
To which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner now go to bed you little freak!”
About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing.”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?
“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”
A depressed man walks into a bar
A father is talking to his son about girls
One night, Little johnny wakes up and decides he needs to take a p!ss.
So he gets out of bed and on his way to the toilet he stops by his mom and dad’s room and catches them having lovemaking, he then says “Dad what are you doing with mom?”
His dad replies “I’m playing poker, your mum my partner now get lost!”
Then he stops by his sister’s room and this time catches her and her boyfriend having lovemaking and says “What are you doing?”
To which she replies: “I’m playing poker, my boyfriends my partner now go to bed you little freak!”
About an hour later little johnny’s Dad walks into his bedroom and says: “Johnny what are you doing.”
Johnny replies I’m playing poker, why?
“Who’s your partner then?” his dad asks.
To which Johnny says: “Who needs a partner when you’ve got a good hand.”
A depressed man walks into a bar
A father is talking to his son about girls
8.
A old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: “I’m a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
“What, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“Nope,” replied the old man.
“At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a make love maniac.”
A lawyer defending a man accused
This little guy sitting in a bar
A old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog: “I’m a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.
Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
“What, you’re not going to kiss me?”
“Nope,” replied the old man.
“At my age it’s more fun to have a talking frog than a make love maniac.”
A lawyer defending a man accused
This little guy sitting in a bar
9.
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”
Two Polish guys were taking
Three homeless man huddled up close
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he’s afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
He knows he can’t climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy.
He can’t hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy’s chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
“So,” says the little guy, “are you feeling better now?”
Two Polish guys were taking
Three homeless man huddled up close
10.
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book
A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having lovemaking.
The guy lies on his side of the bed and rests.
The girl rolls to her side of the bed and says to herself, “I finally did it! I’m no longer a pure.”
The guy overhears her talking to herself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your privates to me?”
“Well,” the girl explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the man I love to lose my purity.”
Astounded, the guy replies, “So you really love me?”
“Oh God no!” the girl says.
“I just got sick of waiting.”
A man and his wife were in restaurant
A mother was reading a book
11.
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.
“She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
Kid and cop
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: “Why don’t you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?”
He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner.
His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.
“I was totally humiliated,” he moaned.
“She insisted on washing the dishes.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asked his mother. “I think it’s a wonderful gesture.”
“We hadn’t started eating yet.”
Four nuns were attending a baseball game
Kid and cop
12.
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
Mrs Santa was in bed with the flu.
The elves were playing up and had gone on strike for more pay.
The replacement elves were much slower and were behind with the toy making.
Two of the reindeer were pregnant, two more were lame, another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest.
And to top it all, Rudolph’s nose had turned black!
Then Santa discovered that one of the runners on his sleigh had come off and the bells were missing.
What I need, thought Santa, is a good strong cup of coffee.
But when he opened the cupboard, the jar fell out and the coffee split all over the floor!
By now Santa was thoroughly fed up.
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess, but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles!
At that moment there was a knock on the front door.
Upon opening it, Santa was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas tree.
“Good morning, Santa”, she trilled, “Isn’t it a perfectly gorgeous day? I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn’t it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?”
Two young guys appear in court
A frog in a trap
13.
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
Two men are in a doctor’s office.
Each of them are to get a vasectomy…the nurse comes into the room and tells both men, “Strip and put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns and reaches into one man’s gown and proceeds to fondle and ultimately begins to masturbate him.
Shocked as he was, he asks “Why are you doing that?”
To which she replies, “We have to vacate the sperm from your system to have a clean procedure.”
The man not wanting to be a problem and enjoying it, allows her to complete her task.
After she is through, she proceeds to the next man..
She starts to fondle the man as she had the previous man, but then drops to her knees and proceeds to give him make love.
The first man seeing this quickly responds, “Hey! Why is it that I get masturbated and he gets a b*** job?”
The nurse simply replies, “Sir, there is a difference between HMO and Complete Coverage.”
At the pearly gates he was asked
Three men were discussing at a bar
14.
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, “Your bum is getting really big.
It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-bum grill for one little weenie?”
One night at a dance club
A child asked his father
15.
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
When Pat and Mike met each other on the street one day, Pat noticed that Mike had a terrible cold.
“Have you seen a doctor about that cold?” he asked.
“No,” said Mike, “But I probably should do you know a good doctor?”
Pat gave him the name of his own doctor and assured him that he’d be in good hands.
About a week later, they met again and Pat wasn’t sure if the cold was really better.
“Did you see my doctor?” Pat inquired.
“Oh, yeah,” Mike replied.
He was a really nice guy!
“Well, did he give you something to help your cold”?
“Sure did!” Mike answered, somewhat enthusiastically.
“He told me to drink a big glass of fresh orange juice after a hot bath.”
“Well, did it help?” Pat asked hesitantly.
“How do I know?” Mike retorted.
“I haven’t even finished drinking the bath yet!”
A teacher from Primary School
Girl taunts old man
16.
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
A girl is sitting on the couch with her grandpa and studying the wrinkles on his old face.
She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles.
She touches her own face and looks more puzzled.
Finally the girl asks, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, a long time ago,” replies her grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asks the girl.
“Yes, He did, and that wasn’t too long ago,” answers her grandpa.
“Boy,” says the little girl, “He’s sure doing a lot better job these days isn’t He?”
They walked down to their old school
A couple were having problems remembering things
17.
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m.
I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days.
Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again.
My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”
“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply
“It’s after seven o’clock!”
Divorce Agreement
A Old Man And Woman
Arriving home from work at my usual hour of 5 p.m.
I discovered that it had not been one of my wife’s better days.
Nothing I said or did seemed to be right.
By 7 p.m., things had not changed, so I suggested I go outside, pretend I had just gotten home, and start all over again.
My wife agreed.
I went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”
“And just where have you been?” she replied sharply
“It’s after seven o’clock!”
Divorce Agreement
A Old Man And Woman
18.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.
The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks,
“What are you staring at?”
“A spider,” he replies.
“I don’t see anything,” she says.
“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming…
The man says, “While you’re up, can you get me another beer?”
A old man is 85 and take his wife
A angry wife was complaining about her husband
19.
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
Joe was a steward for Fly High airlines.
He watched as an older lady boarded the plane holding a dog in a cage.
“Excuse me,” said Joe “dogs are not allowed on board, you have to check it in with the baggage.”
The lady wasn’t happy, but Joe was an experienced steward and succeeded in convincing the lady without much of a scene.
Upon arrival, Joe took a peek in the cage, and to his great surprise, saw that the dog was dead! Frantic that they may get sued, Joe quickly sent one of his underlings out to town to buy a dog that looked exactly the same.
Just in the nick of time the underling arrived with the dog.
They quickly switched dogs and breathed a sigh of relief.
“This isn’t my dog!” said the lady as soon as she saw it.
“I’m sure it is” insisted Joe “I was very careful about where I put it.”
“It’s not my dog” argued the lady, “you see, I was bringing my dog to my home town to have him buried, and this dog is alive!”
The cop pulled over an old lady
A cop pulls her over and says
20.
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
A doctor takes off his glasses
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
“Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
Michael said, “Just a minute I have to go pee.”
The teacher responded by saying, “That would be rude and impolite. What about you Peter, how would you say it?”
Peter said, “I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?”
“I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.”
A doctor takes off his glasses
The preacher has just finished an inspiring
21.
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.
“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says.
“I’m going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a bl***ob there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”
The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.
“Where do you think you going?” the wife asks.
“I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”
A laywoman was driving down
A horrible sunburn all over his body
22.
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a nice little voice.
“Really, I can’t” he replied, “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
Wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
A little old lady tried to phone
A kid walks into a class
23.
An old man lived in the village.
He was one of the most unfortunate people in the world.
The whole village was tired of him; he was always gloomy, he constantly complained and was always in a bad mood.
The longer he lived, the more bile he was becoming and the more poisonous were his words.
People avoided him, because his misfortune became contagious.
It was even unnatural and insulting to be happy next to him.
He created the feeling of unhappiness in others.
But one day, when he turned eighty years old, an incredible thing happened.
Instantly everyone started hearing the rumour: “An Old Man is happy today, he doesn’t complain about anything, smiles, and even his face is freshened up.”
The whole village gathered together.
The old man was asked: Villager what happened to you?
“Nothing special eighty years I’ve been chasing happiness, and it was useless and then I decided to live without happiness and just enjoy life that’s why I’m happy now.”
A funeral service is held for a woman
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
An old man lived in the village.
He was one of the most unfortunate people in the world.
The whole village was tired of him; he was always gloomy, he constantly complained and was always in a bad mood.
The longer he lived, the more bile he was becoming and the more poisonous were his words.
People avoided him, because his misfortune became contagious.
It was even unnatural and insulting to be happy next to him.
He created the feeling of unhappiness in others.
But one day, when he turned eighty years old, an incredible thing happened.
Instantly everyone started hearing the rumour: “An Old Man is happy today, he doesn’t complain about anything, smiles, and even his face is freshened up.”
The whole village gathered together.
The old man was asked: Villager what happened to you?
“Nothing special eighty years I’ve been chasing happiness, and it was useless and then I decided to live without happiness and just enjoy life that’s why I’m happy now.”
A funeral service is held for a woman
Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
24.
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A man & son going with their donkey to market
I was barely sitting down
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.
When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level.
He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air.
He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.
He jumped in with his bag and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.
The photographer said, “Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures.”
“Why?” asked the pilot.
“Because I am a photographer,” he responded, “and photographers take photographs.”
The pilot was silent for a moment; finally, he stammered, “You mean you’re not the flight instructor?”
A man & son going with their donkey to market
I was barely sitting down
25.
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
An accountant is in a car travelling with a farmer client around his farm.
They pass a large mob of sheep and the farmer says,
“You re pretty good with numbers, Keith. How many sheep do you reckon are in that paddock?”
The accountant looks at the sheep for a moment and says,
“One thousand, eight hundred and thirty-two.”
The farmer is amazed.
“Exactly right”, he says.
“How did you work that out so fast?”
“Easy,” says the accountant
“I counted the number of feet and divided by 4.”
He was sitting in his boat and fishing
A elderly wealthy man walks
26.
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him this
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy
“Quentin, we do NOT shout that word in this house! Next time, just whisper, okay?”
The little boy nods sheepishly
His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time
She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed
“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
“Dad!”, Quentin says softly, “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television
“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”
65-year-old woman has a baby
There lived a peasant with his son
Mummy is embarrassed by her sons choice of words, so tells him this
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.
“MUM,” the boy yells at the top of his voice, “I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!”
Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son’s language in front of her guests and scolds the young boy
“Quentin, we do NOT shout that word in this house! Next time, just whisper, okay?”
The little boy nods sheepishly
His mum takes him to the bathroom and tucks him back into bed.
The next night, little Quentin is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his mother, having a glass of wine with her friends.
“Mum! I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
Mum excuses herself and takes Quentin to the bathroom, smiling at her son’s innocent mistake, but relieved that he was at least more discreet than last time
She takes Quentin back upstairs and tucks him into bed
“Well done, sweetie,” she says, kissing him goodnight, “that was much more polite.”
A few nights go by, and lo and behold, the little boy is busting to go to the toilet again.
So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and there is his dad watching TV.
“Dad!”, Quentin says softly, “I gotta whisper, I gotta whisper!”
“Aw, is that so, little buddy?” says dad, his eyes fixed on the television
“Come on over here and whisper in daddy’s ear.”
65-year-old woman has a baby
There lived a peasant with his son
27.
One old farmer had a large pond in the back,..
fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn’t been there for a while.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned,
“I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim n*ked, or to make you get out of the pond n*ked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
A statue of a Macho athlete
Confession booth
One old farmer had a large pond in the back,..
fixed up nicely with picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look it over.
He hadn’t been there for a while.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
As he approached, he made the women aware of his presence.
At once, they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him,
“We’re not coming out until you leave.”
The old man frowned,
“I did not come down here to watch you young ladies swim n*ked, or to make you get out of the pond n*ked.”
Holding up the bucket, he said,
“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast!
A statue of a Macho athlete
Confession booth
28.
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Taronga Park, Sydney when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has watched the whole event.
The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’
The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’
The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page!’
‘So, what do you do for a living and who do you support?’
The biker replies, ‘I’m a soldier just returned from Afghanistan and I’m not really interested in politics, maybe more right wing.’ The journalist writes it up and leaves.
The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:
RIGHT WING DESERTER RUNS AWAY FROM THE ARMY, ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
That pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days!
Two teenagers meet after school
A Nazi walks into a bar
29.
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend,
“My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her.
Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend,
I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade.”
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight’s best friend.
He said, “Hey, you gave me the wrong key…!!”
Bob was fixing a door
The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang
30.
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
A 17 year old guy walks into a drug store.
He says “I’ve been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend’s house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean.”
Clerk: “How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here’s a pack.”
The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: “you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I’ll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky.”
Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn’t say a word.
After a while his girlfriend says: “if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn’t have invited you.”
The young man replies “if you had told me your dad works at the drug store, I wouldn’t have come.”
A couple were Christmas shopping
Wife sent text to husband
Tags:
eng jokes