1.
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what?” “What dear,” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck..
I wake up and my dog is with a rabbit in her mouth
A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital
2.
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”
“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me melons out to here, Mike…melons out to here!
She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blonde came up to me…melons out to here, Mike, melons out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took here way out Mike.
Way out much further that the last one.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so sad about?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya…yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me…melons way out to here Mike, melons way out to here.
She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!
I turned off the key, looked at her melons and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and…She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And… I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman is alone at home
Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a big smile on his face.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so happy about?”
“Well Mike i gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat and a redhead came up to me melons out to here, Mike…melons out to here!
She says, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’ I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat!’ So I took her way out Mike.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
The next day Mike walks into the bar and sees Pat siting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face.
Mike says, “Well what are you so happy about today Pat?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and a beautiful blonde came up to me…melons out to here, Mike, melons out to here! She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I told her, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took here way out Mike.
Way out much further that the last one.
I turned off the key and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’ She couldn’t swim Mike, she couldn’t swim!”
A couple of days pass and Mike walks into a bar to see Pat down there crying over a beer.
Mike says, “Pat what are you so sad about?”
“Well Mike I gotta tell ya…yesterday I was out waxing my boat, just waxing my boat and the most desirable brunette came up to me…melons way out to here Mike, melons way out to here.
She said, ‘Can I have a ride in your boat?’
I said, ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’
So I took her way out Mike, way way out much further than the last two!
I turned off the key, looked at her melons and said, ‘It’s either bang or swim!’
She pulled down her pants and…She had a pecker Mike! A great big pecker! And… I can’t swim Mike! I can’t swim!”
A new firefighter was being trained
A woman is alone at home
3.
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
The doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’ about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way: ‘Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand and took four leaks behind big trees.’
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, ‘You must be one hell of an outdoors man!
‘NAH,’ he replied, ‘I’m just a shitty golfer.’
A elderly couple had been experiencing
A man and his son were walking together
4.
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:
Paddy says to Murphy.
“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts!
“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site:
Paddy says to Murphy.
“I’m gonna have the day off,I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!”
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts
“I’M A LIGHT BULB! I’M A LIGHT BULB!”
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts!
“Paddy you’re mad, go home!”
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where the hell are you going?” Asks the Foreman.
“I can’t work in the dark!” Says Murphy!
A woman wearing a real tight dress
A group of tourists was visiting a crocodile farm
5.
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read: Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension yesterday someone stole my purse it had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment next Sunday is Christmas.
And I had invited two of my friends over for dinner without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna.
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
He goes to his local priest
A car accident
6.
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day and found him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a protection onto his weapon.
In an attempt to hide his full self enjoyment, Johnny’s father bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously, “What ya doing’, Dad?”
His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”
Johnny replied, “What ya gonna do, bang him?”
A queer couple celebrating birthday
After a wonderful night of lovemaking
7.
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”
Two hunters Paul and Kurt
A woman starts dating a doctor
8.
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
Two men are having golf
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show.
On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.
After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar
Two men are having golf
9.
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, “You Can Be THE Man Of Your House.”
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of make love that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, “The damn funeral director would be my first guess.”
A little girl asked her Mom
A guy goes over to his friend house
10.
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
“I have an idea,” says the father.
He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table.
“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker if he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”
So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.
The boy saunters over to the coffee table.
He picks up the ten-dollar bill, looks at it, then sets it down.
He picks up the bottle of whiskey, uncorks it, sniffs it, then sets it down.
He picks up the Bible, leafs through it, and sets it down.
Then the boy takes the money and stuffs it into his pocket, grabs the whiskey, and walks off with the Bible under his arm.
A Woman Wants A Compliment From Her Husband
So he asks his father
11.
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.
His parents look at the truck and ask, “Where did you get that truck?!”
“I bought it today,” he says.
“With what money?” says his mother.
They knew what a new F150 cost.
“Well,” he says, “this one cost me just fifteen dollars.”
The father looks at him like he’s crazy.
“Who would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?” he says.
“It was the lady up the street,” says the boy.
“I don’t know her name they just moved in.
She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my Goodness!” says the mother.
“Maybe she’s mentally ill or has Alzheimer’s something. John, you better go see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting petunias.
He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.
“Well,” she says, “two days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.”
“Oh, my goodness, I’m so sorry,” the father says.
“But what does that have to do with my son and your truck?”
“Well, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash.
He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.”
A old man came to his doctor office
A lady is working at old people home
12.
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh!”
The man asked the doctor, “What’s the problem?”
“Well,” said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”
“No,” replied the man.
“Do you drink in excess?”
“No.” replied the man.
“Do you have a make love life?”
“Yes, I do!”
“Well,” said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your make love life.
“Looking perplexed, the old man said, “Which half the looking or the thinking?”
A pastor told the congregation
A Texan was taking a taxi tour
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical.
As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, “Oh oh!”
The man asked the doctor, “What’s the problem?”
“Well,” said the doc, “you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?”
“No,” replied the man.
“Do you drink in excess?”
“No.” replied the man.
“Do you have a make love life?”
“Yes, I do!”
“Well,” said the doc, “I’m afraid with this heart murmur, you’ll have to give up half your make love life.
“Looking perplexed, the old man said, “Which half the looking or the thinking?”
A pastor told the congregation
A Texan was taking a taxi tour
13.
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
There are three friends.
Shut the hell up, Your manners, and Bear Shit.
One day they’re in the woods and bear shit gets lost and your manners looks for him.
Shut the hell up goes to the police station “my friend is missing can you help me?”
The officer says “what’s your name?” “Shut the hell up” “what?” Shut the hell up” “say that again?
” Shut the hell up!” “Son where’s your manners?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you! He’s out in the woods looking for bear shit
A soldier girl wrote to break off their engagement
One day a man goes to the beach
14.
She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.
“I’m looking to take out a personal loan of $5000,” the frog said.
The loan officer stared at him skeptically. “Do you have anything to offer as collateral?”
The frog dug around in his pockets, and after a moment he produced a small, badly misshapen clay statue.
“What on Earth is that?” The loan officer asked.
“It’s just a trinket. I don’t have much to offer as collateral, I live in a swamp you see. But I swear I’m good for it!”
The loan officer crossed her arms. “Is it valuable? The bank is not a charity, sir!”
At this, the frog burst into tears. “Please! I’m desperate! My wife is pregnant with our 4000th-8000th kids, and things are tight! Can’t you help me???”
Hearing the commotion, the bank manager came over and asked what the trouble was.
The loan officer explained: “This frog wants a $5000 dollar loan, and all he’s offering for collateral is this little… thing. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be!”
The manager looked at the clay statue, threw his hands up and said,
“It’s a knock-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Big People Words
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.
“I’m looking to take out a personal loan of $5000,” the frog said.
The loan officer stared at him skeptically. “Do you have anything to offer as collateral?”
The frog dug around in his pockets, and after a moment he produced a small, badly misshapen clay statue.
“What on Earth is that?” The loan officer asked.
“It’s just a trinket. I don’t have much to offer as collateral, I live in a swamp you see. But I swear I’m good for it!”
The loan officer crossed her arms. “Is it valuable? The bank is not a charity, sir!”
At this, the frog burst into tears. “Please! I’m desperate! My wife is pregnant with our 4000th-8000th kids, and things are tight! Can’t you help me???”
Hearing the commotion, the bank manager came over and asked what the trouble was.
The loan officer explained: “This frog wants a $5000 dollar loan, and all he’s offering for collateral is this little… thing. I don’t even know what this is supposed to be!”
The manager looked at the clay statue, threw his hands up and said,
“It’s a knock-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan, his old man’s a Rolling Stone!”
Big People Words
A big city lawyer went duck hunting
15.
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
A priest is walking down the river one day
As he is strolling along he sees one of his parishioners fighting to land a fish.
The priest jumps in to help land what they discover is a very large trout.
“Will you look at the size of that son of a bitch!” says the parishioner to which the priest is quick to chastise him for his bad language.
Thinking quickly the parishioner explains that this type of fish is actually called a son of a bitch and for penance he gives it to the priest to take home for his supper.
At home, the mother superior is in the kitchen when the priest walks in and presenting the fish exclaims
“Would you look at the size of this son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior recoils in horror, but the priest explains again that this is what the fish is called.
They then decide to take it to the Bishop as it is a very fine fish.
At the Bishop’s house they show him the fish and exclaim what a fine son of a bitch this is.
The Bishop goes mad until they manage to calm him down and explain that is the fishes name.
He relents and then takes a look at the fish, exclaims what a glorious son of a bitch it is and that the pope is coming to dinner and they should serve it as the main course.
Pope comes around and they serve up the giant and very tasty fish.
All very proud they take it in turns to share their part in it
The priest boasts “I helped catch the son of a bitch!”
The Mother Superior beams “And I cooked the son of the bitch!”
And the Bishop states “And I thought you should be the person to eat this son of a bitch!”
The pope looks at them all in turn.
Then he leans back in his chair, puts his feet on the table, crosses his arms behind his head and says
“You know what?
You fool are allllriiiiggghhtt
One day Little Johnny’s class
A woman pregnant with triplets
16.
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he’s topping 100 mph.
The man eventually realizes he can’t escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, “It’s been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I’ll let you go.”
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, “My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago.
I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!”
A doctor says to them
Ralph is driving home
17.
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A blonde goes to the local bar, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it.
She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking.
After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, “I won a motor home! I won a motor home!”
The waitress runs over and argues, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stereo system!”
The blonde replies, “No. I won a motor home!”
By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, “You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as one of our prizes.”
Again the blonde says, “There is no mistake! I won a motor home!”
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, “WIN A BAGEL.”
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
18.
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
A State Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!”
He turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies two in the front seat and three in the back looking absolutely terrified, eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The lady driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked.
“No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says proudly.
The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in the car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”
A young man came from the parking
When I was interned in Dr Eiras Hospital
19.
There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
There are two siblings.
A little brother and a big brother.
Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have s***.
So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night, and take her home.
So they get to the bigger brothers house, and walk in his room.
Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk bed.
When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have making love.
The big brother says, “whenever you feel good, say lettuce, and whenever you want to switch positions say tomato.”
The girl constantly is saying “lettuce, tomato” and then the little brother wakes up.
He quietly remarks, ” can you guys stop making sandwiches, you’re getting mayonnaise all over me.
Teacher asks what is love
Johnny catch’s parents having lovemaking
20.
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino’s car parking facility
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to car as about to get in after leaving the casino.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their melons almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say
“No” and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat.
On the way, they start make love with each other.
Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs make love on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday… Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.
Doctor I’m having difficulty falling pregnant
Cop knocks on the window
21.
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
Alan’s wife called him as he was at in the pub last night.
“I’ve cooked dinner,” she screamed,
“And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I’m going to feed it to the dog.”
“Woooah! That’s bang out of order!”
Alan said, “It’s not his fault.”
A woman saw an ad in the local newspaper
A sweet old lady telephoned
22.
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past ‘so, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster It’s no big deal.
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.
“Ray, wake up! You shit on the bed!”
Wife had delivered twins
A old couple Abe and Esther
Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, ‘You died in your sleep, Ray.’
Ray was stunned ‘I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for send me back!’
St. Peter said, ‘I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.’
Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past ‘so, you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?’
‘Not bad,’ replied Ray the hen, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m gonna explode!’
‘You’re ovulating,’ explained the rooster don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?’
‘Never,’ said Ray.
‘Well, just relax and let it happen,’ says the rooster It’s no big deal.
He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood.
He soon laid another egg – his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.
“Ray, wake up! You shit on the bed!”
Wife had delivered twins
A old couple Abe and Esther
23.
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
The disciple asked the master
A hungry Wolf
A young man walks into a supermarket and buys a bar of soap, a toothbrush, toothpaste, a loaf of bread, a container of milk, two boxes of cereal and a frozen dinner.
The girl at the cash register looks at him and says “Single, huh?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “because you’re ugly.”
A Swedish truck driver once got stuck in a tunnel in Norway.
Soon a Norwegian came by the tunnel and found out that the truck was wedged in with the load stuck against the ceiling.
The Norwegian suggested that the Swede let the air out of the tires.
The Swede looked angrily at him, “You moron! The truck is stuck up on top.”
The disciple asked the master
A hungry Wolf
24.
Two men were traveling in company along the road when one of them picked up a well-filled purse.
“How lucky I am!” he said.
“I have found a purse judging by its weight it must be full of gold.”
“Do not say ‘I have found a purse,’” said his companion
“Say rather ‘we have found a purse’ and ‘how lucky we are travelers ought to share alike the fortunes or misfortunes of the road.”
“No, no,” replied the other angrily.
“I found it and I am going to keep it.”
Just then they heard a shout of “Stop, thief!” and looking around, saw a mob of people armed with clubs coming down the road.
The man who had found the purse fell into a panic.
“We are lost if they find the purse on us,” he cried.
“No, no,” replied the other, “You would not say ‘we’ before, so now stick.”
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
One day a friend asked
Two men were traveling in company along the road when one of them picked up a well-filled purse.
“How lucky I am!” he said.
“I have found a purse judging by its weight it must be full of gold.”
“Do not say ‘I have found a purse,’” said his companion
“Say rather ‘we have found a purse’ and ‘how lucky we are travelers ought to share alike the fortunes or misfortunes of the road.”
“No, no,” replied the other angrily.
“I found it and I am going to keep it.”
Just then they heard a shout of “Stop, thief!” and looking around, saw a mob of people armed with clubs coming down the road.
The man who had found the purse fell into a panic.
“We are lost if they find the purse on us,” he cried.
“No, no,” replied the other, “You would not say ‘we’ before, so now stick.”
A merchant sent his son to learn the Secret
One day a friend asked
25.
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
Paddy was summoned to court to appear as a witness in a lawsuit.
The prosecutor opened his questioning with,
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
“Objection!” said the defense attorney.
“Irrelevant!”
“Oh, that’s okay,” said the Paddy from the witness stand.
“I don’t mind answering the question.”
“I object!” the defense said again.
“No, really,” said the Paddy.
“I’ll answer.”
The judge ruled: “If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object.”
So the prosecutor repeated the question:
“Where were you the night of August 24th?”
Paddy replied brightly, “I don’t know.”
A blonde was summoned to court
A man decided to go jump from an airplane
26.
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs.” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
“Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly.
I said: “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH… I get it!” she beamed,
“So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.”
“Exactly.” I replied back with a big smile on my face.
A priest and a nun are on their way
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter.
She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my daughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs.” I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
“Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly.
I said: “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
“OH… I get it!” she beamed,
“So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.”
“Exactly.” I replied back with a big smile on my face.
A priest and a nun are on their way
The Devil invites Mike Tyson to hell
27.
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand.
“Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor.
“I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear.”
“What about the other ear and your hand?” the doctor asked.
She replied, “I tried to call for an ambulance.”
A high school student came home
A man walks into the barber shop
28.
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
A young lady came home from a date, rather sad.
She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
“Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
Because he also told me he was an doubter.
“Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway.
Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
Three guys die and go to heaven
A elderly couple is having their 75th anniversary
29.
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.
They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.
She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
A man is in a hotel lobby.
He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he acciedently bumbs into a woman besides him, and as he does his elbow goes into her huge melons.
They are both quite starled.
The man turns to her and says, “ma’am if your heart is as soft as your fronts, I know you’ll forgive me”.
She replies, “if your tool is as hard as your elbow, i’m in room 436.
Three fathers are talking about their sons
A first-grade teacher Ms Brooks
30.
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
An Engineer and his wife were always fighting with each other.
When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.
The woman would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life.”
Neighbors feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.
To everyone’s relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58.
Her husband had a closed casket at the wake.
After the burial, Engineer went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow.
His neighbors, concerned for his safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??”
The Engineer put down his drink and said, “Let her dig. I had her buried upside down.” These Engineers… I tell you… They think of everything.
A very sick woman on her bed
Two deaf men were talking
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eng jokes