1.
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, “Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?”
“But what if my wife finds out?” asks Bill.
“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!” said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”
“Forget it,” said his wife.
“I’ve tried that it didn’t work.”
There was a man sitting at a bar
A taxi passenger tapped the driver
2.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
“Hurry!” she said.
“Stand in the corner.”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered.
“Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, its just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly.
“The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
“Here,” he said to the ‘statue’, “eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water”.
She was in bed with her boyfriend
A old couple are sitting
3.
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
Once there was a young man whose friends made fun of him for not being good at anything.
As time passes by, the young man loses self esteem and spends more and more nights crying in bed.
But suddenly a geenie appears and grants him one wish.
The man has the perfect wish right away; and tells the geenie that he wished to be able to walk on water.
The next morning, he wants to try his new ability and visits the local swimming pool.
And indeed, it works, the man is mind blown. He’s so happy and thankful to finally have a real ability.
His friends won’t no longer make fun of him.
But then, one of his friends swims by and spots him there standing on the water surface.
He bursts out laughing and shouts: -Look at him, swimming he can’t either!
Two drunks are talking in a bar
A chemist comes back from his lunch break
4.
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.
‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A man and his wife went without talking
A husband and his wife are having a fight
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Walmart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans.’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them.’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful.’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.
‘On the PA system: ‘Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’
A man and his wife went without talking
A husband and his wife are having a fight
5.
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years,
they always left the lights off when having fun.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big tool on her.
All these years she had no clue.
One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a tool.
She said “I knew it, bastard, explain the tool!”
He said, “Explain the kids’s.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years,
they always left the lights off when having fun.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big tool on her.
All these years she had no clue.
One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a tool.
She said “I knew it, bastard, explain the tool!”
He said, “Explain the kids’s.
A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding
Three desperately ill men go to their doctor
6.
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind.
She hated everyone,except for her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything.
Even her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her,”now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too,and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears,and later wrote a letter to her saying, “Just take care of my eyes dear,I love you.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she was blind.
She hated everyone,except for her loving boyfriend.
He’s always there for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marry her boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she could see everything.
Even her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her,”now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend was blind too,and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears,and later wrote a letter to her saying, “Just take care of my eyes dear,I love you.
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor’s office
A 91-year-old lady comes to the dentist’s office
7.
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to do something about my husband he thinks he’s a refrigerator!”
“I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” the doctor replies.
“Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.”
“But you don’t understand,” the woman insists.
“He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.”
A old man ordered one hamburger
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter
8.
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on they blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a 308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black-eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underwear.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
Examination At School
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills.
The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.
But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet h*le he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal.
The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on they blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.”
Then he felt the bullet h*le and declared, “Shot with a 308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk.
He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle.
He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it.
Where did I get this black-eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you got into bed and put your hand down my underwear.
Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe.”
Examination At School
He sadly packed his belongings into boxes
9.
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class.
On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green.
Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him,
“Little Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?”
Little Johnny replied, “The same number of times I’ve seen a duck holding an umbrella.”
A old lady tried to phone
A wealthy man walked into a bar
10.
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”
A lady was filling her tank
The pretty teacher was concerned
Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor.
When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
The Doctor said, “Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table.”
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her private parts.
After a couple of minutes he asked, “How does that feel?”
“Wonderful,” she replied, “but the discharge is from my ear!”
A lady was filling her tank
The pretty teacher was concerned
11.
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
A beautiful young model boarded a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.
She looked at the seats in economy, and then looked into the forward cabin at the luxurious first-class seats.
Seeing that the first-class seats appeared to be much larger and more comfortable, she moved forward to the last empty seat in first-class.
The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the woman that her seat was in economy.
The blonde replied, “I’m a famous model, and I’ve never had this problem before. I’m going to sit here all the way, until we get to New York.”
Flustered, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and informed the captain of the problem.
The captain went back and told the woman that her assigned seat was in economy.
Again, the blonde replied: “I’m a famous model. I’m sitting here all the way to New York.”
The captain didn’t want to cause a commotion, and so returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot.
The co-pilot said that he used to date a model like her, and that he could take care of the problem.
He then went back and briefly whispered something in the blonde’s ear.
She immediately got up and said, “okay, thank you”.
She then hugged the co-pilot, and rushed back to her seat in the economy section.
The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, asked the Co-pilot what he had said to the woman.
He replied, “I just told her that the first-class seats aren’t going to New York.”
A woman went to a pet shop
A blonde goes to a salon for a haircut
12.
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol.
At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
”Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow,” the man exclaimed.
“What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
3 guys crash land on an island
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing
13.
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
A man enters a police station and says to the officer
14.
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
His voice softens. “Anything??”
“Absolutely anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”
A man was out hunting
A man walking along the beach
A student comes to a young professor’s office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.”
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do…anything.”
He returns her gaze. “Anything?”
“Anything.”
His voice softens. “Anything??”
“Absolutely anything.”
His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you…study?”
A man was out hunting
A man walking along the beach
15.
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,”
She replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.
So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”
A married man decided to work late
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
A business man packing for a trip glances in his briefcase.
“Honey?”
“Yes, darling?”
“Honey,” he says, in mild exasperation, “why do you persist in putting a protection in my briefcase every time I go on a trip?
You know I only have eyes for you. I’d never be unfaithful.”
“Oh, I know, darling, and I trust you,”
She replies sweetly, “It’s just that, well you know, with all those terrible diseases out there, it would make me feel better to know that if anything did happen, you’d be protected.
So please, darling, take it with you, won’t you? For my peace of mind?”
“Oh, alright, if you put it that way,” he relented, “I’ll take it along. But for safety’s sake, better give me more than one!”
A married man decided to work late
A farmer who had a herd of pigs
16.
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
So my mom decided to sell her house, but she’d always promised she’d get the boulder out of her front yard.
It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend,
I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home.
We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.
So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.
So we get scientific, try to wedge a metal beam from the garage under it, and slip an old tool chest in as a fulcrum, hoping to pry it loose.
The beam bends, and the tool chest actually snaps.
By now, it’s been a few hours, most of the group is ready to give up, and the pizza and drinks I’d offered and running out, when I see Nate pull in next door.
He was our neighbor’s son, rarely showed up to visit her, but felt like a godsend at that moment.
I convinced myself one more man would make a difference, which seems a little less crazy when you know Nate.
He’s 6’8″, and pure muscle. He holds back when shaking hands so he doesn’t hurt people, and still feels like he’s going to crush you hand.
He grabbed me by the arm to pull me out of the way of a speeding car once, and they had to put the arm in a cast, because his grip broke it. Saved my life at least.
Plus, Nate is a landscaper, and I figured he might have trick to help us.
So I thought with everyone and Nate, we got this.
I ask Nate for help with the boulder, start waving everyone else over. Only Nate doesn’t wait for us.
He just grabs the boulder and pops it up into the truck.
And that’s how I learned a valuable lesson: better Nate than lever.
°°°°°°°°°
I’ve seen the punchline here a few times, but never caught it with this set up, so thought I’d share, as it was my dad’s second favorite joke, only beat out by the string joke, which I have seen here plenty.
Have a Happy Father’s Day.
A woman had twin boys
A man’s walking home late at night
17.
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
A man owns a rabbit farm and is known around the world for his rabbits who can lift more than any man.
A little boy asks him “How do you keep your rabbits so strong?”
The man replies, “It’s no secret.”
He pulls out a bottle of shampoo and says,
“Keeps your hares strong!”
George raises his beer mug
He looks around and takes a seat
18.
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
A woman went to her dentist to have her dentures adjusted for the fifth time.
She said they still didn’t fit.
“Well,” said the dentist, “I’ll do it again this time, but no more.
There’s no reason why these shouldn’t fit your mouth easily.”
“Who said anything about my mouth?” the woman answered.
“They don’t fit in the glass!”
A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident
The retired guy goes to the doctor
19.
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
Quasimodo goes to a doctor for an annual checkup.
“I think something is wrong with your back,” the doctor says.
“What makes you think that?” asks Quasimodo.
“I don’t know,” the doctor replies.
“It’s just a hunch.”
The lady sitting next to a man
A office exec was interviewing a blonde
20.
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water.
The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, “I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it’s today.”
The bartender said, “Well, since it’s your birthday, this one’s on me.”
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink, too.”
The lady said, “Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming up,” said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, “I’d like to buy you a drink too.”
The lady said, “Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I’ll have another Scotch, with two drops of water.”
“Coming right up,” the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, “Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?”
The old woman giggled, and replied, “Sonny, when you’re my age, you’ve learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue.”
Two little kids are in a hospital
A young boy says to his father
21.
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said “Yes.”
The hunter asked, “How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”
The pigmy said, “I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
The pigmy replied, “There’s about 90 of us.”
Mr. john goes to the doctor
The old man was a witness
A Hunter walking through the jungle found a huge dead elephant with a pigmy standing beside it.
Amazed, he asked: “Did you kill that?”
The pigmy said “Yes.”
The hunter asked, “How could a little fella like you kill a huge beast like that?”
The pigmy said, “I killed it with my club.”
The astonished hunter asked, “How big is your club?”
The pigmy replied, “There’s about 90 of us.”
Mr. john goes to the doctor
The old man was a witness
22.
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
A 97-year-old man comes to his doctor looking depressed.
He says “Doc, I think I’m impotent.”
The doctor sits him down and begins the standard speech he gives to senior citizens about how as the body ages, bodily functions slow down, and it is completely normal to suffer some decrease in physical desire.
How the man shouldn’t worry or become upset about it, but should just relax and things will probably be completely fine and blah blah blah.
Finally the doctor asks
“When did you first begin to think you were impotent?”
“Three times last night, and again this morning.”
A little girl and her mother at church
A boy who was a witness
23.
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a call girl before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a Police Officer.
Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.
‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
Teacher asked a question to kids
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
‘Twenty pounds,’ she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a call girl before but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty pounds.
So they hid in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them.
It is a Police Officer.
Allo, Allo, Allo, What’s going on ‘ere, people? asks the cop.
‘Ta be shure, Oi’m making love to me missus,’ Paddy answers, sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop,
‘I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!’
Three little boys visiting their grandparents
Teacher asked a question to kids
24.
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
A farmer decides its time to tell his son how he breeds the animals.
He explains about the cows and the bull, the mares and the stallion and the ewes and the ram.
But he also decides to tell his boy about their one lame pig.
‘Unfortunately she can’t walk far, so when she’s in heat I put her in the wheelbarrow and cart her down to my friend’s farm for some alone time with his boar’.
A few weeks go by, and the boy is looking out the window.
He says ‘dad, the pig is in heat’
The farmer peeps over his newspaper to look at his boy and says, ‘how can you possibly know that from just looking out the window’
‘Well’ says the boy, ‘she’s in the wheelbarrow.’
A boy was cycling with a basket of eggs
A woman went to a lawyer to discuss
25.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, undressed, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the undressed man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
He paid for your Football season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
A man returns home a day early from a business trip.
It’s after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.
For £50 quid, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights yank the blanket back and there is his wife, undressed, with a man.
The husband puts a gun to the undressed man’s head.
The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
He paid for the Porsche I gave you.
He paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat .
He paid for your Football season tickets.
He paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
He paid for our country club membership and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side to side, the husband lowers the gun.
He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do’?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.’
This woman asks her husband why he Is acting crazy
A husband and wife came to see a therapist
26.
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. “Using your logic, I sentence the defendant’s arm to one year’s imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses.”
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer’s assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
A blonde was trying to sell her old car
A old man was walking in the forest
27.
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber runs out and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay and the surgeon decides to leave the bullets where they are as it is too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.
“What’s wrong,” asks the mother.
“Well, mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out,” replies the daughter.
The mother tells her it is okay and explains what happened 16 years before.
About a week later the second daughter walks into the room in tears.
“Mum, I was having a wee and this bullet came out.”
The mother tells her what happened 16 years before and tells her not to worry.
Another week passes by and the son walks into the room in tears.
“It’s okay,” says the mother, “I know what has happened, you were having a wee and a bullet came out.”
“No,” says the boy,
“I was having a wank and I’ve shot the dog
A priest is walking down the river
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish
28.
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
On his first day on the job, the trainee dialed the kitchen and shouted into the phone.
“Get me a cup of coffee, quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded,
“You fool, you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No,” replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, idiot!”
The trainee shouted back: “And do you know who You are talking to, you idiot?”
“No!” replied the Managing Director indignantly.
“Thank god for that!” replied the trainee and slammed down the phone.
Johnny was sitting in class
The captain saw a pirate ship
29.
Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
A man goes to confess
Two turtles walk into a bar
Three babies are in their mother’s womb.
One of them says, “I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here.”
The next one says, “I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here.”
Then the last baby says,” I’m going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again I’m gonna chop that damned thing in half!”
A man goes to confess
Two turtles walk into a bar
30.
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
After a tiring day, a young lady settled down in her local train seat and closed her eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her, pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice.
“Hi Sweetheart, its john, I’m on the Train”
“Yes, I know it’s Six thirty and not four thirty, but I had A Long Meeting”
“No, honey, I was not with Cathy from the Accounts Office, I was with the Boss attending the meeting”
“No Sweetheart,
You’re the only one in My life”
“Yes, I’m sure dear”.
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the Young Woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
“John darling, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
That was the last time john used his cell phone in Public.
A elderly couple was celebrating their anniversary
A man and his wife were awakened
Tags:
eng jokes